Land of Crypts and Frogs (Ron) [Sburb Beta 0.1.2.]

[Unbridled Originality]

The village decides that, on the whole, you are probably not a monster, and that you're alright, you know, for a non-turtle. "You're a credit to your people," is the general consensus.


In light of your increased reputation with the village of Shithole, Nowhere, the inhabitants decide to allow you access to the CRYPT UNDERNEATH THE NOBLE TREES just outside town.


The crypt itself is a fairly large building, and according to your small turtle friend, who introduces himself as Roger, extends some distance underground. The elder, with considerable fanfare, produces a large silver key and unlocks the gates of the structure, revealing a flight of stairs that descends and then curves sharply left, lined by flickering torches.

 

[Direhuman]

CS: alright babe i'm gonna have to call you back.


CS: this crypt is open now, the turtles popped it open now that i'm worthy.


CS: sacred site i guess


CS: it's a big, scary legend of zelda graveyard thing.


CS: staircase into a big, gaping hole


CS: all gross from the swamp and shit


CS: probably not a lot of good reception underground, is what i'm saying.


CS: have fun with those tentacle monsters.


CS: if you don't hear back from me in a while, i've probably been trapped forever in a creepy mausoleum and turned into a sexy, buff as hell mummy.


CS: entombed, i think is the word we're going with here.


CS: wish me luck.


You take in a deep breath, then begin your descent into the crypt. The damp smell hits you immediately, and so you spray a bunch of AXE on yourself to block it out with something more familiar and to instantly seduce any hot ghost chicks you may encounter. Feeling like Indiana Jones you take one of the torches out of its sconce, your hockey stick in the other hand ready to whoop some ass. Finally, something interesting! Here it is, Level 1, the start of your grand adventure. A chance to really test your mettle, to face mankind's darkest fears and explore the unknown and prove yourself to be the hero that you truly think you not only should be, but deserve to become. You'll need might. You'll need cunning. You'll need fortitude, and the strength of conviction to fight your fears and triumph over any obstacle. You are going to win. You are going to be perfect. You are destined for greatness, and nothing will deter you from becoming a champion. You are the hero this Land needs, and you are the hero it deserves. You-


CS: haha oh man, crypt underneath noble trees, i just got that.


You step to the bottom of the staircase and take a left.

 

[Unbridled Originality]

At the end of a short corridor, you come upon a massive stone door, the likeness of a massive woman, her body that of a snake, her arms replaced by a massive bloom of quills. As you watch, the carving shifts and moves, turning to look at you with the sound of stone grating on stone, and a voice rings out through the crypt. "Welcome, champion. In order to pass this door, you must first overcome the Test of Knowledge. Are you prepared?"

 

[Direhuman]

Okay! Cool. Test of Knowledge. Getting this one out of the way early, I guess, so that you can move on to more awesome ones later. That's nice of them, getting the nerd shit out of the way so that you can get to interesting things when it really matters. Yeah.


totally prepared. lay it on me, girl.


You hope it's about Call of Duty. You know a lot about Call of Duty. And comic books. And MMOs. And nutritional supplements! Man, you are like the Steven Hawking of proteins, you swear to god. All the other dudes at the gym are always asking your advice about that stuff, they know what's up. Like this one time, this guy Marty was talking about bulking powders, and somebody had called you over because you're like the guru about this shit, and you instantly pegged him as an endomorphic kind of dude and were like, woah, no, packing that kind of stuff is just going to increase adipose tissue with that type of metabolism, you need to look into low-carb bulking powders and meal replacement supplements, and he was like 'what's the difference?', and you were like it's a matter of training for strength or aesthetics and he totally was there to get cut, and you were like do you want to look like Arnold Schwarzenegger or Hossein Rezazadeh, they have totally different body-type requirements, and he totally got it and was like 'well what would you recommend?' and you were recommending this one brand you had ordered online a few years back before you settled on your current regimen, which is totally available over-the-counter even though it contains-


Your train of thought goes on in this direction for quite some time.

 

[Unbridled Originality]

The carving, seeing that you've zoned out, clears her throat.


"AHEM. Question the First: Which of the following is NOT an Omega-Level mutant in Universe 616? Your options are: Jean Grey, Franklin Richards, Quintavius Quire, or Scott Summers. Your answer will be recorded and stored for reference by future generations in the created universe."

 

[Direhuman]

You physically stumble backwards. Did... did that just happen? You blink a couple of times. That. That just happened.


Marvel! Marvel question. Fucking hell, Marvel question. Christ, X-Men, okay, you can do this, one second.


[dice]1576[/dice]


cyclops! fuck cyclops! everybody on that list is a badass except for that prick. the answer is scott summers!

 

[Unbridled Originality]

"Correct."


The door nods, then continues. "Question the Second: In the Kingdom Hearts Series, what are the names of all the Keyblade wielders as of Birth By Sleep?"

 

[Direhuman]

uh... what?


w-why


why would you think i would know that.


i don't play that shit!


fucking disney and jrpg white haired whatever nerds for pussies i don't even own a


[dice]2147[/dice]sora rikku kairi aqua plus terra and xehanort who are currently the same person also yen sid who's retired and erauqs who's dead and roxas and ventus don't count because they're technically a part of sora fucking choke on it i hate this place

 

[Unbridled Originality]

"Correct." The figure engraved on the door moves, settling down in a slouched sitting position. "The third, and final question is this: In Chrono Trigger, what is Magus' real name?"

 

[Direhuman]

that... is... an excellent question. yes. an excellent final question that i am going to answer right now:





[dice]2251[/dice]


Oh shit oh shit oh shit you are fucked. You are 100% fucked. The last god damn question, too!


Ok, stay calm, you can do this. You've bluffed your way past high school teachers, university heads, angry roommates, angry exes, cops for fuck's sake, you can do this. Just let that silver tongue of yours roll.


[dice]2252[/dice]


Chrono Trigger was about time travel, right? And changing the past or whatever? 90's Kid Rep aside, you've never played it, but you've heard enough shit about it from gushing JRPG nerds that you think you can pull this one off. Come on, man, do this!


that's... a... trick question? you learn, uh, magus's real name, right, but it's not his real name by the end of the game? because you've gone back and changed history so much that... that he might not be the same person? in the new timeline? and so even though you know magus's name from your timeline, he might have a different real name in the new timeline. yeah. trick question. we'll never know! i don't know his real name, and we'll never know.

 

[Direhuman]

Spoiler

Double post, please ignore.

 

[Unbridled Originality]

"Incorrect. Your Knowledge has been found to be lacking. Prepare yourself, therefore, for the Test of Might."


As she speaks, the figure on the door crawls downwards, breaking free with a sound like cracking stone as she reaches the floor. Soon, she stands before you, a fully three-dimensional figure nearly twice your size.


"The Test of Might is straightforward enough, a trial by combat. Do you accept the challenge?"