Experiences Is being ghosted on this site a normal thing?

[Yog-Sothoth]

I probably shouldn't complain, out of 6 people I PMed 3 turned out nice and responsive, and there really is no point in being overly sensitive. Admittedly however I think it would be good etiquette if people can't just say "no thanks I'm not interested" or 'never mind I've found partners I think might be a better match for me, so I'm not open to rp anymore." I'm just wondering if I've been unlucky or if it's common place.

 

[DisneyGirl]

Hey there, sorry to hear you're having a difficult time in finding folks to roleplay with and I totally agree with you on the good etiquette thing. As someone who's been roleplaying for 14 years on several different roleplay sites, let me tell that this is common place in all roleplay communities. You gotta kiss a lot of frogs in order to find your prince, so to say. On average, I say with every 10 potential roleplay partners I PM with, only one or maybe two ends up working out. Ghosting is just a thing that every and I mean every roleplayer goes through. It sucks, but it's worth it when you find the right person(s) to roleplay with

 

[rae2nerdy]

It’s actually pretty common part of roleplaying. I tend to not let it get me down. I have several people who contact me and will just never respond to my reply.

I give people 1 week then send them an update reply just to see if they are still interested and just go busy/forgot to respond.

If I don’t get a reply then I move on

 

[PhoenixMire]

As someone who’s RPed for about nine years now, ghosting happens everywhere, not just here. It’s extremely common no matter where you go. So yeah, ghosting can be a common occurrence. I don’t mind it and don’t take it personally since I’ve ghosted before myself (even though... I know I probably shouldn’t have), but yeah, I try to shrug it off. But I do agree, it would be nice if people would let you know before dropping an RP - which I’ve also had happen, and I appreciate the heads up.

 

[Jet]

People on this website are all anti confrontational and don't like being rude. Counter-intuitively, they end up being more rude/annoying by ghosting (because they're anti confrontational).

A simple "sorry I lost interest in the idea" would be nice, no one ever says it though and the GM/Parter has to sit around wondering.

 

[rae2nerdy]

People on this website are all anti confrontational and don't like being rude. Counter-intuitively, they end up being more rude/annoying by ghosting (because they're anti confrontational).

A simple "sorry I lost interest in the idea" would be nice, no one ever says it though and the GM/Parter has to sit around wondering.

That is why I think people just just move on. So say Susie stops responding on Tuesday. I send her one reply asking her if she's okay on Thursday. Then I wait until the following Tuesday for a response. If there is no response at that time I send her another reply telling her to get back to me when she can and I close the roleplay.

But that is because I have very slow moving roleplays and a lot of my partners have real life obligations that take them away from the roleplay.

If however I was in a roleplay with Jan and we were chatting every day and sending multiple replies back and forth. I would likely wait for a shorter time. Ex. Jan replies on Tuesday I ask her if everything is okay on Thursday. And on Saturday I tell her I'm closing the roleplay and to get back to me when she has a free moment.

 

[Jet]

That is why I think people just just move on. So say Susie stops responding on Tuesday. I send her one reply asking her if she's okay on Thursday. Then I wait until the following Tuesday for a response. If there is no response at that time I send her another reply telling her to get back to me when she can and I close the roleplay.

But that is because I have very slow moving roleplays and a lot of my partners have real life obligations that take them away from the roleplay.

If however I was in a roleplay with Jan and we were chatting every day and sending multiple replies back and forth. I would likely wait for a shorter time. Ex. Jan replies on Tuesday I ask her if everything is okay on Thursday. And on Saturday I tell her I'm closing the roleplay and to get back to me when she has a free moment.

You sound measured in how you cut things off. Seems fair to me overall.

Your point about the real life obligation thing triggers me lol. Having flashbacks, hand is shaking.

Mainly because it is used so often by people that are just lying. Obviously it happens but I'll have people that post three times a day for a week go ghost for the next week. I tag them, asking what's up and they pop up in the discord or OOC like "Busy with homework, don't feel like catching up with all the new posts, sorry guys"

Now Ive just become paranoid. I see "real life obligations" anywhere in someone's post and I automatically assume they're dropping out of boredom.

 

[Idea]

It happens a lot and in fact it's one of the things one ought to be most aware about. Because aren't (usually) ghosting because of anything you did, and as such, it's important to grow a degree of backbone to these things.

 

[Jet]

It happens a lot and in fact it's one of the things one ought to be most aware about. Because aren't (usually) ghosting because of anything you did, and as such, it's important to grow a degree of backbone to these things.

It can be difficult to shake it off when you do everything right (at least in your own perspective) and people still slink off. Especially when people drop and you see them joining other similar RPs....

Like damn, do I really suck at this GM thing? Haha

On a serious note I do tend to have decent success with my RPs and I'm hyper active/aware/on top of things. People still leave, join another similar RP, put the same OC, just to write the same intro posts they wrote in my RP, without advancing as far. It is mind blowing.

 

[PhoenixMire]

It can be difficult to shake it off when you do everything right (at least in your own perspective) and people still slink off. Especially when people drop and you see them joining other similar RPs....

Like damn, do I really suck? Haha

Don't worry about it, please! As someone with a pretty crappy attention span and various other... mental issues, I sometimes just struggle with inspiration and motivation for absolutely no feasible reason. It has nothing to do with a GM or my RP partner. It's all me. I think I've been getting a lot better at not losing motivation so easily, but it's not always you. Sometimes it's just the RPer themselves and not you.

 

[Idea]

It can be difficult to shake it off when you do everything right (at least in your own perspective) and people still slink off. Especially when people drop and you see them joining other similar RPs....

Like damn, do I really suck? Haha

I won't deny that. Especially considering the percentage of people on the site who have some form of anxiety. However, that is why I am saying you need to grow a degree of a backbone: Because either way it's going to happen. If you don't develop a tolerance and ways to cope with it, then it can drive you off roleplaying, ruin your experience etc...

One way of thinking about it is with a hobby I find very similar, fishing: If you don't develop the patience to accept you're often going to come back empty handed, or with way less than the effort you put in, you will not be able to enjoy it.

 

[Jet]

I won't deny that. Especially considering the percentage of people on the site who have some form of anxiety. However, that is why I am saying you need to grow a degree of a backbone: Because either way it's going to happen. If you don't develop a tolerance and ways to cope with it, then it can drive you off roleplaying, ruin your experience etc...

One way of thinking about it is with a hobby I find very similar, fishing: If you don't develop the patience to accept you're often going to come back empty handed, or with way less than the effort you put in, you will not be able to enjoy it.

Oh trust, I have enough backbone. I'm a stubborn piece of shit haha. I just take pleasure in the fact that whatever GM my members run off to will undoubtedly run a comperably terrible RP because I cook it up when I run a RP. That might be complete delusion though (spirals into self questioning)...

 

[Jet]

I won't deny that. Especially considering the percentage of people on the site who have some form of anxiety. However, that is why I am saying you need to grow a degree of a backbone: Because either way it's going to happen. If you don't develop a tolerance and ways to cope with it, then it can drive you off roleplaying, ruin your experience etc...

One way of thinking about it is with a hobby I find very similar, fishing: If you don't develop the patience to accept you're often going to come back empty handed, or with way less than the effort you put in, you will not be able to enjoy it.

Oh and it definately did drive away my enjoyment of RPing but not because of self questioning and despair. More frustration on the fact that my record for most pages ever completed in ANY RP out of HUNDREDS is the one I'm currently GMing and it's at EIGHT and the momentum is, ofc, slowing to molasses. And I don't mean record as in my RPs, I'm including all those I've joined. A complete story? More like

"Hi"

----

"Bye"

 

[Idea]

Oh trust, I have enough backbone. I'm a stubborn piece of shit haha. I just take pleasure in the fact that whatever GM my members run off to will undoubtedly run a comperably terrible RP because I cook it up when I run a RP. That might be complete delusion though (spirals into self questioning)...

Oh and it definately did drive away my enjoyment of RPing but not because of self questioning and despair. More frustration on the fact that my record for most pages ever completed in ANY RP out of HUNDREDS is the one I'm currently GMing and it's at EIGHT and the momentum is, ofc, slowing to molasses. And I don't mean record as in my RPs, I'm including all those I've joined. A complete story? More like

"Hi"

----

"Bye"

Quite indeed. Hence my advice. XD

 

[rae2nerdy]

You sound measured in how you cut things off. Seems fair to me overall.

Your point about the real life obligation thing triggers me lol. Having flashbacks, hand is shaking.

Mainly because it is used so often by people that are just lying. Obviously it happens but I'll have people that post three times a day for a week go ghost for the next week. I tag them, asking what's up and they pop up in the discord or OOC like "Busy with homework, don't feel like catching up with all the new posts, sorry guys"

Now Ive just become paranoid. I see "real life obligations" anywhere in someone's post and I automatically assume they're dropping out of boredom.

Whereas I have people tell me their family members are dying/died. Or like their internet is out, they are on vacation, they have finals or long shifts.

I find in general for them to be telling the truth. At least I hope they aren’t lying about death in the family.

I think OOC chat helps though. I am a very friendly person and talk to my partners a lot about what is going on in my life, my post progress, and when I am just plain not feeling something.

They mostly don’t reciprocate but I have found they are more likely to be open about things holding them up or roleplay concerns. Because they know I’m pretty easy going and god knows I keep them up to date so it’s not like I mind if something is a little late or helping them out if they are stuck.

 

[laughingman12]

hm

 

[TiltProof]

It's the rule, not the exception, I'm afraid to say. The first time I was ghosted (this was about a decade ago, when I first got into RP, and oh boy my age is showing) I was worried. My partner made one excuse after the other before falling off the face of the earth. Eventually moved on, went to a few different sites (those PHP/Jcink/What-have-you hosted ones), finally got ghosted enough times to make me realise what was going on. I was upset, then pissed off, then after a while, accepted that it was a thing that happened. Not proud to admit, I may have done it twice myself, because blah blah blah you either die a hero or you live long enough to become that jerk leaving people hanging.

 

[Pandaskel]

Hi, I’m a ghost! Going through this thread and getting called a lying asshole has been fun. Now let’s present my side of the story!

I lose interest. I do. Has literally NOTHING to do with the person on the other end. One day I’m pumped, the next day I’m not. The cool thing is, this isn't a job or a school, so I’m under no obligation to continue if I don’t feel like it anymore. I’m also under no obligation to say anything to anyone.

So let’s talk courtesy. Etiquette is subjective. In America, eye contact and smiling at strangers is commonplace, but in Russia, that’s hella weird. (According to my Russian classmate. Don’t quote or @ me) So to call something “bad etiquette” isn’t all-encompassing. For me? I really don’t care if someone doesn’t get back to me. I don’t even notice. To me, you guys just sound kind of clingy and over-invested. However, that’s not “the truth”, just as me being an inconsiderate asshole is also not “the truth”. It’s a subjective, personal opinion.

Now let’s talk “real life obligation”. Again, you guys are sounding reeeaaal clingy. Frankly, it’s none of your business what anyone has or does not have going on. Simply not wanting to RP with you for reasons that may have nothing to do with you is completely valid. You want my father’s death certificate as validation for why I shouldn’t have to play with you? Yeesh. So yeah, I really don’t think you should care whether or not someone is lying about their IRL obligations. Maybe it’s a fabricated excuse so that you don’t go thinking about what you did wrong, because it had nothing to do with you. Maybe that’s their good manners. Maybe they’re doing it for you.

This has been a message from your friendly neighborhood ghost.

 

[PhoenixMire]

Hi, I’m a ghost! Going through this thread and getting called a lying asshole has been fun. Now let’s present my side of the story!

I lose interest. I do. Has literally NOTHING to do with the person on the other end. One day I’m pumped, the next day I’m not. The cool thing is, this isn't a job or a school, so I’m under no obligation to continue if I don’t feel like it anymore. I’m also under no obligation to say anything to anyone.

So let’s talk courtesy. Etiquette is subjective. In America, eye contact and smiling at strangers is commonplace, but in Russia, that’s hella weird. (According to my Russian classmate. Don’t quote or @ me) So to call something “bad etiquette” isn’t all-encompassing. For me? I really don’t care if someone doesn’t get back to me. I don’t even notice. To me, you guys just sound kind of clingy and over-invested. However, that’s not “the truth”, just as me being an inconsiderate asshole is also not “the truth”. It’s a subjective, personal opinion.

Now let’s talk “real life obligation”. Again, you guys are sounding reeeaaal clingy. Frankly, it’s none of your business what anyone has or does not have going on. Simply not wanting to RP with you for reasons that may have nothing to do with you is completely valid. You want my father’s death certificate as validation for why I shouldn’t have to play with you? Yeesh. So yeah, I really don’t think you should care whether or not someone is lying about their IRL obligations. Maybe it’s a fabricated excuse so that you don’t go thinking about what you did wrong, because it had nothing to do with you. Maybe that’s their good manners. Maybe they’re doing it for you.

This has been a message from your friendly neighborhood ghost.

People aren't saying that they want to know everything you're doing all the time... nor are they being clingy. It is just politeness to let them know you don't want to continue an RP. You don't even have to get specific, you could literally just say "Hey I won't be able to continue this RP anymore, I'm sorry!" and leave it at that.
It's frustrating to be invested in something and be checking back every now and then, hoping for a reply, only to not see one at all, and eventually lose hope that you'll ever get one. It can be a pain. Even though I totally understand ghosting, it can still be a bit of a letdown when someone vanishes without a word. It's kind to let people know that you won't be continuing.
I'm not clingy at all. I don't care if someone leaves the RP for any reason. I just do highly appreciate it when they let me know beforehand...

 

[Pandaskel]

People aren't saying that they want to know everything you're doing all the time... nor are they being clingy. It is just politeness to let them know you don't want to continue an RP. You don't even have to get specific, you could literally just say "Hey I won't be able to continue this RP anymore, I'm sorry!" and leave it at that.
It's frustrating to be invested in something and be checking back every now and then, hoping for a reply, only to not see one at all, and eventually lose hope that you'll ever get one. It can be a pain. Even though I totally understand ghosting, it can still be a bit of a letdown when someone vanishes without a word. It's kind to let people know that you won't be continuing.

Again: that’s subjective. You’re saying it like it’s a fact. “It is just politeness”, “they’re not clingy”. On my side of the story, they are very clingy. And you have solidifed that they are also overly invested. Y’all get THAT into it? Checking back and getting your feelings hurt? BIG yikes from me, dawg.

 

[Jet]

Hi, I’m a ghost! Going through this thread and getting called a lying asshole has been fun. Now let’s present my side of the story!

I lose interest. I do. Has literally NOTHING to do with the person on the other end. One day I’m pumped, the next day I’m not. The cool thing is, this isn't a job or a school, so I’m under no obligation to continue if I don’t feel like it anymore. I’m also under no obligation to say anything to anyone.

So let’s talk courtesy. Etiquette is subjective. In America, eye contact and smiling at strangers is commonplace, but in Russia, that’s hella weird. (According to my Russian classmate. Don’t quote or @ me) So to call something “bad etiquette” isn’t all-encompassing. For me? I really don’t care if someone doesn’t get back to me. I don’t even notice. To me, you guys just sound kind of clingy and over-invested. However, that’s not “the truth”, just as me being an inconsiderate asshole is also not “the truth”. It’s a subjective, personal opinion.

Now let’s talk “real life obligation”. Again, you guys are sounding reeeaaal clingy. Frankly, it’s none of your business what anyone has or does not have going on. Simply not wanting to RP with you for reasons that may have nothing to do with you is completely valid. You want my father’s death certificate as validation for why I shouldn’t have to play with you? Yeesh. So yeah, I really don’t think you should care whether or not someone is lying about their IRL obligations. Maybe it’s a fabricated excuse so that you don’t go thinking about what you did wrong, because it had nothing to do with you. Maybe that’s their good manners. Maybe they’re doing it for you.

This has been a message from your friendly neighborhood ghost.

You want to say that things are subjective than go on to say that it doesn't make you an asshole or inconsiderate if you just leave people hanging.

Well in my subjective view that makes you an inconsiderate asshole.

Send a DM, it's a nice courtesy. You know it's a a nice courtesy. Yet you don't do it anyway and want to rationize it using yee-old "SOCIETAL CONVENTIONS" excuse. Look man, everything is a societal convention. Murder being illegal is a societal convention, for example.

 

[Jet]

Again: that’s subjective. You’re saying it like it’s a fact. “It is just politeness”, “they’re not clingy”. On my side of the story, they are very clingy. And you have solidifed that they are also overly invested. Y’all get THAT into it? Checking back and getting your feelings hurt? BIG yikes from me, dawg.

Youre saying on one hand that you're not being inconsiderate and then saying that it's everyone elses fault for being sensitive. My man, the essence of being considerate is acknowledging the feelings of other people and trying, when you can, to not hurt them. This is a you problem, not an everyone else problem.

 

[PhoenixMire]

Again: that’s subjective. You’re saying it like it’s a fact. “It is just politeness”, “they’re not clingy”. On my side of the story, they are very clingy. And you have solidifed that they are also overly invested. Y’all get THAT into it? Checking back and getting your feelings hurt? BIG yikes from me, dawg.

You're right. It is subjective. And on my side of the story (and a LOT of other people's), it's not very polite to ghost without a word. Yes, RPing is supposed to be fun. But because it's fun, it can be a big letdown and pretty sad when the person you were writing a fun story with just vanishes without saying anything. Being left hanging is not fun.

 

[rae2nerdy]

I think a good way to look at this is this : You catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Rather than viewing Ghosting as a negative thing being done TO YOU, look at it as something that happens to EVERYONE.

I don't take ghosting personally. I don't think it's rude. I don't even really care when someone does it to me. And honestly I have found that it has helped me significantly in dealing with partners. I am able to give them a easy way to save face and I am never waiting around for replies that I know won't be coming.

I don't sit and stew when a partner leaves. I have had a few bad days in the past where I maybe didn't handle things with a lot of grace but I have gotten much better. Now if my partner seems anxious over ghosting or if they ask for my feelings on ghosting I just tell them. "I give you one week to reply to my last response then I'll leave the conversation. If you pop up later you're welcome to message me about starting things up again."

And if I'm not feeling things I just tell people outright. But at no point do I expect my partners to reciprocate. And I don't even do it for politeness. I just do it because I like to keep my PMs Organized and if I let people know the roleplay is done I can remove a conversation and free up space.

EDIT - because I realized the first part could be seen as condescending. I am not saying you can't get mad when people Ghost. I am saying that a good way to handle that anger is to just set clear posting deadlines. So rather than stewing about people not contacting you, you can just know in advance. Hey if this person isn't going to give me a heads up about leaving then I'm ditching the roleplay after XX days.

 

[PhoenixMire]

I think a good way to look at this is this : You catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Rather than viewing Ghosting as a negative thing being done TO YOU, look at it as something that happens to EVERYONE.

I don't take ghosting personally. I don't think it's rude. I don't even really care when someone does it to me. And honestly I have found that it has helped me significantly in dealing with partners. I am able to give them a easy way to save face and I am never waiting around for replies that I know won't be coming.

I don't sit and stew when a partner leaves. I have had a few bad days in the past where I maybe didn't handle things with a lot of grace but I have gotten much better. Now if my partner seems anxious over ghosting or if they ask for my feelings on ghosting I just tell them. "I give you one week to reply to my last response then I'll leave the conversation. If you pop up later you're welcome to message me about starting things up again."

And if I'm not feeling things I just tell people outright. But at no point do I expect my partners to reciprocate. And I don't even do it for politeness. I just do it because I like to keep my PMs Organized and if I let people know the roleplay is done I can remove a conversation and free up space.

I don't get deeply upset over ghosting. I know it happens a ton, and I pretty much shrug it off when it happens. But it's nicer in my opinion to let people know you want to leave an RP. I try my best to consider other people's feelings, so I deeply appreciate it when someone does the same for me, tells me they're leaving rather than just vanishing off the face of the earth.