Poetry irrelevant thoughts

[bayleen]

Forewarning~
Nauseating poems by me.​

 

[bayleen]

Perfectly Imperfect
Stop daydreaming; Your imagination is infesting your brain; kill it before it kills you; Don't be so sensitive you're not made of glass, you won't break; Don't eat that, you'll get fat; If you're fat, no one will like you; What will people think?; Think before you speak; You know nothing; I'm only helping; Tell me what you're thinking?; Your heart will get you in trouble. Your brain will get you a degree; Don't scream; hold it in; Don't show them your feelings; Like a snake, like a serpent, sell them; Step on them before they do you; Don't trust your friends Julius Caesar was killed by his; Kindness is a weapon; use it only when it benefits you;

You're slowly erasing me; I'm losing grasp of what I thought I knew; I don't even know who I am anymore; Buried beneath layers of unfamiliar faces; I'd rather go to the movies; I'd rather devour a three hundred tier cake; Drown in my sadness; Dance even though I can't dance; You've tucked me away into the earth's soil; Without you, I'm a Giant, and a giant will never falter from a dwarf; You're chained to society standards; one hundred pounds to fat, nothing a surgeon can't fix; You'll deface yourself to please this society, but I'll escape;

I'll jump into a blue abyss; Their words won't reach me; They can try, but I can't promise their sanity; Six thousand six hundred feet in the absence of light is more merciful than your society; Fishes aren't ones to judge unlike your society; I declined Noah's Ark and embraced the ocean's tides; This isn't my demise this is my beginning; Who would hurt me when I have an army of sharks?; You'd be envious to know the sirens are friends of mine; I can't swim, I'll eventually descend into everlasting peace; Never been good at soccer but this time I've scored;

The sea will be my shelter, escape, and retreat; Left my outer shell in the hands of the Kraken; My soul at peace riding on the back of the great white whale, Moby Dick; Captain Ahab could never hurt us because where we're traveling is out of his reach;

Your mind couldn't fathom how such a place exists; A euphoric feeling, and I don't mean drugs and alcohol; A place where I will forever be loved; A place where I am an impenetrable fortress; A home where I can be just as I am perfectly imperfect.​

 

[bayleen]

I'm Empty,
Not like a mason jar because mason jars,
in the end, will be filled.
Not like a blank canvas because that has potential.
Not like a sinkhole because sinkholes absorb their surroundings.

I can pretend to be a mason jar filled with ice coffee, but I would still feel hollow.
I can act like I'm art, but I'll still be lacking.
I can sink everyone around me, but I'd still feel starved.

​

 

[bayleen]

My safe space
What's the safest place for you?
Where is the place that you would run to-to feel like satan's whispers cant reach you?
I can guess that you didn't say your home.
Why is that?

Why is it the I don't feel safe at home?
I feel safer in an elevator filled with men rather than my own home.
I feel safest far away from home.
I feel safe in school with the chance that I might die in a school shooting.

I feel safer under the sea because that's more predictable than my own home.
My safe space is not a place.
It's a mindset.
I'll take myself under the ocean.

When it gets too hard to breathe, I'll take myself to the tallest mountain, and when the breathing becomes too much.
Then I'll go to outer space.
The space vacuum will pull the air from my body.
​

 

[bayleen]

I felt ugly
I wanted to feel pretty so badly
So I got a nose job

Now I'm on a high
I feel like I'm happy
I'm not

I'm lying to myself
I'm not good with confrontation
Lying is easier

College was a hard path
Living was a hard path
I'll take the easy path

Creating a new me
A captivating me
It's time for an updated me

A new version of me
Decoding this sad me
And encoding a happier me

I can't know for sure
If this is good or bad
I least I look pretty
​

 

[bayleen]

I always feel like I'm chasing after time
trying to keep up
but I could never catch up
makes sense
I never made the track team
​

 

[bayleen]

Tons of Redbull
There's a party going in this body
A party of one
A party every day at the expense of my liver
Red flags in my brain
I must be color blind
Because I can't help taking another sip
I just hope my doctor has a cure
what's the cure for self-destruction?
It's inevitable
Unavoidable
​

 

[bayleen]

My heart
A trouble maker
A flaw in the system
The inventor of stupid ideas
Emotional wreck thanks to this organ
Likes to mess with my brain
Takes over at the worst of time
Wishing I could survive without it
Teach me how to step on my heart
This body needs new management
Let's do what the French did to Marie Antoinette



​

 

[bayleen]

I want to be loved
I'll accept all kinds of love
Shove your love at me

Make me your beloved
I don't have to be respected
I just have to be accepted

Lack of value unlocked
Don't be so shocked
Or you'll get docked

Rough me up
This isn't a bluff
snuff me out

Let's not be civil
Let's skip the formalities
Forget the casualties

Let me take you under
Satisfy my hunger
Now I'm the hunter
​

 

[bayleen]

If I go, let me go like Princess Diana
Give me the pleasure of a thousand prayers
I stand before you as Icarus
Shinning so bright
I burned away my potential

If I go, let me go like Marie Antoinette
Give me the pleasure of a tragic ending
I stand before you as a piece of cake
A cake dressed in velvet
So sweet everyone wanted a piece

If I go, let it be big
Give me the pleasure of being remembered
​

 

[bayleen]

2020 was a gift from satan himself
Decoratively decorated put under a tree
A ticking time bomb
I couldn't breathe
Runny nose
But I still held on
By the end of it I thought,
"Hey! At least we have an extra bed now!"

2021 was a lover
He tried everything but could never get it right
Shut down the city
Gun to my head
Trapping me in my own home
But I still held on
And by the end of it I thought,
"Hey! At least I don't have to go to work."

2022 was an ex lover obsessed with the idea of you
He wore balenciaga to impress you
Running across the soccer fields
Protest after Protest until
he was denouncing balenciaga
Unfriending Russia
And suddenly Ukraine was his twitter buddy
But I still held on
And by the end of it I thought,
"Hey! At least we dodged World War three."​

 

[bayleen]

How come nobody cares about my pain
It's like I'm laying all my emotions on the table
and all I get back is, "it's gonna be ok."
when you can't see the future
so fucking stop lying to me
and just hug me
dont give me empty words
Don't tell me, "I'm ok."
or "I'm gonna be fine."
because you dont know that

How come when I express my pain
I'm selfish
and I only think of myself
and "this is such bad timing."
Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I bottle things up
because I thought I could handle it until I couldn't
that's my mistake, but u made me like this
you turned me into this
I thought that if I kept
everything that I was feeling in
no one would see my pain
or that I'm suffering
and it worked, but sometimes I didn't want it to work
sometimes I wanted you to notice there's something
wrong with me because you're my mom.
I blew my own cover, and I opened up
and I got NOTHING
not even "you're ok."
just "where did this come from?"
"there's nothing wrong with you."
"I gave you everything."
"Out of all the kids god gave me, why you?"​

 

[bayleen]

22 years feels like nothing
a dot in the time spectrum
I'm a dot in the time spectrum
A small particle floating through time and space

I feel like I've been running a marathon my whole life
And I'm losing
It's like 6th-grade gym all over again
Trying to catch up, I forget my surroundings

Not stopping to smell the flowers.
Or take in the scenery
Kissing mama goodbye doesn't seem so important now
my goals weigh more in gold

focusing on the finish line
even though the idea scares me
I'm traumatized by my own uncertain future
But I can't look away

The anxiety I get when I think I'm nearing my end
The anxiety I get when I wake up, and it's already Friday
The anxiety I get when I blink and it's already March
The anxiety I get when time is slipping through my fingers like sand

Clawing my way to the finish line
unable to catch my breath until
It, too, is sucked out of me
and I become a hallow shell ​

 

[bayleen]

You liked me, but you didn't love me.
Your love was materialistic at best.
You went into the mall looking for a specific pair of jeans,
but there's a big difference when you walk into a store and try on a pair of jeans, love it, and buy it,
then when you try it on and keep it on hold till you see the rest of the stores.
And if you find another pair you like, you'll buy it,
and if you don't, you'll return to that pair of jeans you left on hold.
That's your love for me. You didn't love me; you loved that I would wait. ​

 

[bayleen]

They had it all,
Adam and Eve,
but it was never enough—
the self-sabotage humans possess.
More money? You're killing me.
War after war, loss after loss.
Killing fathers, brothers, and husbands.
Just for a gallon of oil.
Nuclear bombs are in the hands of a fat man who probably can't touch his toes.

More till money buys love
100k in love
more till money buys happiness,
pop a Prozac
more till we lose everything
Heaven looks like a dying earth to me
acid rain every week
inhaling the man-mad oxygen just for us
black, just like our future
on Wednesdays instead of pink we'll wear our red suit
it's the death penalty for us
it's the electric chair for you

Why are we so obsessed with getting into heaven?
Chained to the idea
what makes you think we'll get in when we have destroyed the heaven on earth
that was so beautifully made for God's favorite creation.​

 

[bayleen]

In what sick world do we live in
destroy me and heal me, sick.
Erase my soul, sick.
Corrupt me till I forget my morals, sick.

I'm your jester.
Fool me, or I fool you.
A game of chess, but it's rigged.
Is it the truth, or is it a lie?

Country leaders are sitting on their thrones,
sipping alcohol, numbing their hearts.
While mothers send their sons to war
to protect themselves from enemies that don't exist.

Humans are corrupt by nature.
By nature, flawed.
By nature, sinners.
By nature, prone to deception.

​

 

[bayleen]

It's 3:00 a.m., and I'm three-quarters away from a panic attack
three-quarters away from letting it suck me dry
Three-quarters away from giving up
I thought I was better
I thought I was an A+ waiting to happen
but at the end of the day, all I'll ever be is an E.
You can't even round me up. It is zero point zero—nothing to offer you, not even a smile. ​

 

[bayleen]

In my madness is my salvation
In my sanity, I am sane.
In my madness, I'm loyal to your message
A well-mannered madwoman.
Mad for the scent of him.

His scent smells like my salvation.
His scent smells like home.
Ask the people of this world.
Who are the people of generosity
The fire of his generosity
It ignites me from within.

In this season of love
I havrested generations of this love
"A lot" is too little to express this love.

During this time we'll walk till we drop.
During this time, we'll call your name till our voices reach you on the other side.

Our calls shook the seventh heaven.
The seven wonders are amazed by our service.
And the on-lookers will ask, "Walk some steps on our behalf."
Everyone goes to learn the lesson taught by your spilled blood.​

 

[bayleen]

Im a student learning anatomy
what's the fibula and what bone is it attached to?
Ever tissue every vein has a specific function
and every function has a message
every blood vessel knows what to do
What does this mean if my whole body is giving life to me
and I feel so dead ​

 

[bayleen]

Dear October lover,
You smell like a delicate blend of autumn's first breeze,
Infused with a hint of cinnamon,
I'd trade you three snickers for just one of your kisses
I'll be your sally and you my pumpkin king
Bake me like pumpkin pie and eat me on hallows eve

​

 

[bayleen]

Time, you are so funny,
Mocking me with your constant ticking,
You slow down when you want to, speed up when you want to,
Never in my favor, always leaving me behind.


I wish you would slow down, just for a little while,
So I can savor every moment, embrace it with a smile.
It's getting hard to enjoy the scenery,
As you rush me through life.

But perhaps there's a lesson in your relentless pace,
To remind me that moments are precious,
To cherish each second,
For time is fleeting,

So, time, though you may mock me with your ceaseless ticking,
I'll learn to dance with you, in this rhythm we're both living.
For life is but a fleeting melody.

We must learn to embrace the present, for it is all we truly have.​

 

[bayleen]

My fate is sealed to the strip
Its long and narrow like the graves of my people
I could leave but the tears of my mother trace the borders
My fate is to sleep with tears in my eyes
My fate is sealed like the coffins of my people

My fate is sealed to the cobble stones
Their small and strong like the faith of my people
I could leave but the screams of my people are caught in the wind
My fate is invisible cries and unwanted eyes
My fate is to sleep with an empty stomach

My fate is sealed to the olive tree's
Their tall and give life just like the hands of my father
I could leave but who will water the olive trees?
My fate is sealed, and who am I to defy its decree?

​

 

[bayleen]

You're asking about me?
My heart is broken,
yet your heart soars on the embers of my pain.
Thank you for the cuts and bruises.

After everything you did to me
and now you knock on my door,
full of regret
"I'm tired."
You're tired?
your medicines with me
I will make you converse with your own shadow,
to forget your very name,
to loathe the person you've become.

There's a fire that erupted in my heart
only your tears can put it out
your pain might heal my soul
your pain might lessen my pain
but it'll never heal it. ​

 

[bayleen]

Daughter of a Martyr
If you saw that manners ceased to exist,
If you saw an infidel become a king,
If noble chests were crushed,
And the mother of purity became a captive,
Bound in chains, her dignity stripped away,
Then know that my father was slaughtered.
They tormented me in your absence; they oppressed me after your departure.
I have become pale since then,
With no one to complain to.
I sought refuge from the scorching sun between the camel and the hills.
a woman among strangers,
Left without a guardian, my protector strewn on the battlefield.
We heard our men fall,
Remembered the sweet days, and wept.
We listened to their oration of carnage.
Cover the looted bodies.
I searched for you and your final words; they butchered you along with my childhood.
From now on, I am estranged.
This world is a paradise for people without morals; It crowned the infidels and fought the martyr's daughter.​

 

[bayleen]

Mundane Monday on a Tuesday
patient after patient
blurred numbers and barcodes
from a patient to a paycheck
not a nurse but a debt collector
not a doctor but a cashier selling your milk and cookies in the form of colored pills
when did the lines get so blurred that we stopped caring?
​