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I wrote a bunch of poetry, a few years ago...

Charming Mouser

New Member
I was wondering what other people would think of it, so I decided to post it here.


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This is one of my favorites. Oddly endearing, while still being starkly depressing.


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"The Rose,"


Walking slowly, with a rose,


no one knows, just where it goes.


Faulty mecha kill mankind;


loudly screeching metals grind.


Flaming bones, they burst and blow,


trees and poles all in a row.


Birds and bees, and cats in trees,


men and women, on their knees.


There are so many times, that we all can see.


The pain so deep inside, the World has caused to be.


There are so many times, that we all can know.


The damage that the world can't hide, the damage it can show.


But the fact, it still remains, that through the hurts and fears and pains.


Hardest, coldest, snows and rains. Melting rocks and candy canes.


Love's the only answer, as I slowly walk the row.


I mourn at how she'll never grow, and drop the rose upon her bow.


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This is one of my favorites that I wrote. It's a little long, though. It could almost be two poems. However, it all fits under the title.


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"Hypocrisy"


Most know not, of loneliness, all that they can do, is guess.


To be alone, it rots your soul; so, you're stuck, not being whole.


The ones you love, they'll be around, but, there is a deep surround,


it's the darkness, from inside, killing me, like pesticide.


At times, the blankness of my mind. It puts me in a bind. Makes it known,


just how blind; do you think I am? That one last lie, inside my head. Dirty little scam;


artists, like to draw, and paint, and write, and find each flaw. Like the ones who found


their flaws; ripping through them, eating of them, picking, poking, with their claws.


"Why can't people just accept?"


"No!" I cry, "Must we lie?!"


"Secret's to be kept."


"But, lie?!"


"Die!"


"Why cry?"


"Patience is in short supply,"


"Please don't cry, you'll make me lie,"


"If you lie, you'll surely die!"


"What am I supposed to do?"


"Lie until your face turns blue,"


"And you sir, how bout you?"


"I'm the Nazi, you're the Jew,"


One man, can kill a million, and another, kill a billion.


Hitler didn't kill a billion, cigarettes, they kill a million;


each and every day, and still, smokers, they all pay.


Pay a billion bucks a day, just to keep the pain away.


It's real funny, don't you know? Dying children, in the snow.


Each and every Eskimo, they all know, where men go;


deep into the dirt, after all their blood does spurt;


trudging through the snow, crimson rivers start to flow.


Most have never seen their blood. Flowing freely, like a flood.


Bullets do that, can't you see? All this inhumanity.


Lying face-down, in the mud, then it hits me, with a thud.


Men are killing, in a spree. To be free. Hypocrisy.


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This one is pretty short, simple, and to the point. It's really just letting everyone know how disappointed I am with my country. I hope you all feel the same.


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"America, The Beautiful"


Walking slowly, by myself, through a foreign land.


Put the gun upon the shelf, blood is on my hand.


Killing comes so naturally, to those who have a need.


Men all fall like flies in war; bleeding for the greed.


Politicians wave their wands, aging wizards' magic.


Youth die on the battlefield, leaving families tragic.


Tanks and planes bomb other lands, false justification.


Cover-ups and quick, rich schemes, sweep across the nation.


America the beautiful. Oh, for spacious skies.


Trying, dying, in our land. Trusting all the lies.


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If you like these, I can show you more. Anyway, enjoy, and let me know what you think!


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-The Charming Mouser
 
I really like the dialogue in "Hypocrisy" and liked your last one, as well. I feel like you could publish if you wanted to =P. They're nice and convey feelings and images really well. I like poetry a lot, but was always pretty poor at it because I can only do it in spurs of the moment, and I write it like a song, with the music in my head... and so the rhythm is off for most other people. Anyways, I admire these. You're talented.
 
I think one or two lines might've thrown me off, but nothing extreme. I'm also slightly dyslexic so there's times where something obvious just wont click for me when it should've xD .


(( Sent this from my iPhone via Tapatalk.))
 
Choice of words is occasionally poor, or outright incorrect. Very, very simple rhyme schemes, erratic structure that doesn't add enough to justify itself. Conceptually they're not bad. There's potential here, certainly.


I'll have to read them once or twice more to make a suggestion, but they could probably benefit from more disciplined structure (America, The Beautiful and The Rose might work better as sonnets) until you've got enough practice to go full-Ginsberg on it.


No, wait, what I am thinking? You said years ago - this is about right for juvenalia. Do you have anything more recent?
 
I do have more recent stuff, but I definitely can't say it's any better in the areas that you mentioned. Perhaps, however, I haven't done any study on structure at all. I have often read my poetry and felt that it was stale, not quite lacking flow, but... just, with the same flow. I believe that your critique is accurate, and I would like to improve my work. =) Thank you, Grey.
 
As with most literary pursuits, the most important thing is to always be reading. If you want to write poetry, read poetry. I've always argued it to be most difficulty form, and therefore unless someone is incredibly talented, best studied intensely.


So what I would say is read some Wiki pages on poetic structure to get you started.


Are there any poets whose work you really enjoy?


You are very welcome - I'm here to assist.
 

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