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Realistic or Modern Hell is a Stranger

"Well, we'll be in the same boat then," he replied with a lighthearted snort. He couldn't blame him, that was arguably the best thing that man had done. He purposefully didn't bring up the worst, knowing well that even for someone like him, things got too bad with that.

So it's like that. Painful memories all piled together, only to resurface in ones own pain. A terrible illness that hurt the person it affected and drove those around him mad with an attempt to fix it. To an extent, he could understand the idea of going to the ends of the Earth for the person you care about so much, but at the end of the day, there was no excuse for that. Ironic coming from someone like Jae-Hwa, he recognized, knowing the things he would do.

Moving carefully, he was surprisingly quiet in getting off the bed and moving closer. The loneliness that had crept into the room like a fog, leaving a mist of exhaustion and sadness in its wake, left a bitter taste in his mouth. Alone. That was how he described Vadim in that moment, even with himself only a foot away. Now he could truly see that he made the right choice.

Now, Jae-Hwa was never the personal space person. He invaded everyone's at some point, be it to absolutely annoy them or simply for his own comfort, but he was sure that everyone he had met knew him to be touchy when he wanted to be. So, he did what he did best, which was invade his personal space for the moment. Standing behind Vadim, he moved, wrapping long arms around the shorter and resting his head on his shoulder.

"You've been alone for a long time, then," he muttered lowly, lacking the normal mockery his tone usually held. "You won't be anymore."

Truth be told, he didn't understand the care for a mother or father, especially not enough to pray and cry for them, but he could try to. He could watch and observe behaviours as he did with other creatures, and attempt to understand. A futile attempt, maybe, but an attempt nonetheless.
 
He froze, hands stopping right in the middle of their task, still as a photograph. His breath trembled. It was near impossible for him to remember the last time he’d been embraced. The feeling of being held on all sides, covered and shielded from cruelty while the shared warmth kept the chill away. Jae-Hwa’s arms were thicker than his own, the weightiness of them felt comforting on top of his withering body. “H-...” Words failed him, only a small noise of surprise that caught awkwardly in his throat.

Don’t touch him, he’s diseased.....
Do you think he’ll able to get up if we knock him down, with us leg like that?....
Stupid streetrats expecting handouts...

His grasp weakened, letting the small screwdriver and tiny wire cutters fall to the desk with a small thud. His fingers were left shaking as he brought his hands to the arms around him. With the kill of his head, he let his cheek rest against the wrist in front of him, suddenly feeling very tired. He’s so warm, he thought to himself, eyes fluttering. So warm and so bright. “Just like solntse...” he mumbled, so tired he could barely pick which language to speak in.


He had been alone for a long time, it was loneliness for most of his life. After being left orphaned and deformed there was no one who would pay him any mind. Children mocked him and adults pretended he wasn’t there to make them feel better about themselves. The last hug he’d had was the one his father had trapped him in while he waited for death to take them both.

As hard as he tried to restrict it, the tears in his eyes still came. Still left his vision cloudy and made little dark spots on the desk. His throat ached and his shoulders began to quake. Vadim tried to pull his lips tightly together but the muffled little cries quickly broke out into sobbing. It didn’t take long before the sobbing turned to wailing, something awful and raw unleashing with it.

The cries were nearly hysterical, his inhales desperate gasps and his cries halfway to actual screaming. All the floodgates were shattering, all the years without any human touch or compassion crashing against him over and over again. His fingers dug into Jae-Hwa’s arm, nails leaving indents in their wake. After a few minutes of finally died down, leaving his eyes and nose tinged red and only little hiccuping sobs. He was barely conscious now, soft breaths and sniffles pulsing against the arms around him.

No, he would never hate Jae-Hwa. No matter what happened, this gift he was giving him was too good for him to ever resent.

“Thank you,” he spoke hoarsely.
 
He half expected an emotional reaction, but he wouldn't lie and say he wasn't surprised by the loud wailing. He wasn't bothered, far from it, but it was a surprise to hear. Then again, he supposed he shouldn't be, considering what he'd heard and seen so far. Loneliness was a crushing thing, something that ruined people regularly. He supposed that, in the end, humans were social creatures after all.

He didn't really know how to comfort people, it was something he hadn't seen done regularly, and most of his attempts had been violence against what had caused the pain. He couldn't exactly stab or punch a concept like loneliness, as much as he wanted to, and he wasn't going to go searching for someone to blame just yet. That would come later, when he selfishly wanted to destroy everything that dared touch his specimen and muse.

As it ended, slowly but surely, and the silence was filled with soft hiccups and sobbing, he couldn't help but find himself endeared. He considered himself sadistic, it was something he would easily admit, but this was nothing like those tendencies. Instead of excitement and joy, he felt a small bit hollow, concerned even. It was definitely something he wasn't used to, but it was nice. A nice change in the flow of time, breaking up the constant that he'd been stuck in. He nodded, letting out a hum as he moved slightly, very carefully wiping Vadim's face. "You should get some rest, hm? I'll wake you up when food arrives."

And in the mean time, he could figure out particularly what he'd be doing with this new situation. New emotions and new wants and needs all piling together, he'd need to plan things out a bit more. His impulsivity truly did leave him in situations, but this was one he was thankful for. He even dared to think of calling in a favor with his father.

He did what he thought was best, given the obvious touch starved nature of the man in front of him. It was a dumb idea to fully untangle himself after such an intense emotional response to contact, even he knew that from his limited psychology knowledge. So, while he pulled away, he replaced his arms with intertwined fingers. Something to ensure that he was still there, even if he wasn't keeping himself as close as could physically be.

"I'll be here when you wake up."
 
Drifting into sleep Vadim found himself in the midst of a dream. He stood at the center of his childhood home, or what remained of it. The wooden floorboards were marred with char and the support beams were all collapsed upon each other in towering heaps. The ceiling was gone entirely, leaving the area upon to the chill of the air outside. Powdery floated around him like snow, a weightlessness in the specs made them seem otherworldly in a way.

Vadim stepped forward, glancing at the shapes on the ground he couldn’t quite make out. Upon closer inspection, he could see the shapes on the floor were human bodies. Well, almost human. Parts of them seemed to transition into that of insects. There was a woman who’s lower legs had morphed into the spindly limbs of a cricket, a man who had the wings of a beetle growing right out of his eye sockets. All of them lay still. All except one. Vadim focused on the man who’s entire head was fly-like. The abomination lay twitching on the ground, a pathetic garbled buzzing the only sound it could make. Vadim watched it writhed and thrash unnaturally, frozen in place with horror.

Without warning, a boot came crashing down onto the creature’s head, exploding its eyes onto the burnt floor and giving its convulsing body silence. His amber gaze trailed up, realizing the man who’d crushed the creature was Jae-Hwa. He was absolutely covered in blood, so much so it seemed he’d been baptized in the stuff. It made his hair sticky and cling to his forehead, his green eyes piercing into comparison to the dark crimson around it.

Jae-Hwa put his blood stained hand’s on Vadim’s cheeks, smearing blood onto them with his thumbs. “Do you trust me?” He asked, voice low and terrifying. Vadim kept glancing back at the mess of gore that had once been the creature’s head. “Did you...kill all of them?” He asked, horror dripping off his tongue. Jae-Hwa laughed at the comment, through his head back and let his smile reach God. “Oh come on, would it matter if I did?” All Vadim could perceive was the thick scent of iron permeating from all the blood in front of him. It made him feel sick. The hands on his cheeks shifted downward to his shoulder blades.

There came a horrifying snap as the other bent his upper arm at an impossible angle, tendons ripping and bones shattering in an instant. It hurt so bad, but when he screamed no sound came out. From his broken bones and shredded muscles, wings began to burst, ripping the thin, pale skin on his back right open. Vadim felt boiling tears stream down his face, still unable to produce sound. Jae-Hwa pushed a stray curl out of his face and when he spoke his voice was doubled with that of Vadim’s father, “I hurt you because I love you, Vadim.”

With a twitch, he awoke, eyes blinking open to reveal how bleary they were. For the briefest moment, seeing Jae-Hwa in front of him startled him, still haunted by the dream. He relaxed though once he realized their hands were interned. “Sorry,” his voice was groggy as he rubbed at his eyes, “I had a nightmare.” The aroma of food quickly caught his attention. He wasn’t well versed enough in cuisine to know which spices they were, but he was hungry enough to know it was delicious. It reminded him of the little spice markets he passed living on the streets in his youth.

While fully aware it was rude to immediately start devouring food, the kid who’d suffered through eating molded bread in his adolescent years couldn’t really help himself. He hadn’t even asked what was what. With a swallow, he forced himself to stop, “Ah, I’m sorry....I skipped lunch with the move and everything...” Vadim began work on his fingers again, picking at a hangnail fervently. “Can I ask you a philosophical question?”

The imagery from his dream flashed around him. “If you had a gun to your head, and the person with the gun told you you had to kill someone you didn’t know or he would kill you....would you do it?”
 
It was fairly obvious a nightmare was happening, the quiet whispers and jerks and jostling in sleep were telltale signs. The only reason he could recognize them was because of Michiru, so he was at least a bit thankful. When Vadim startled for a moment upon seeing him, he figured he was in the nightmare to some extent. He had to admit, it was a little funny to imagine himself in a nightmare, something fiendish and horrifying but nothing compared to the real thing.

He figured asking was a bad idea, so he nodded simply and handed off food. It was understandable that he went all in, he had realized by the time the sun set that it was probably going to happen, since he hadn't seen the man eat. Not to mention, he was already thin and wiry, so he was hardly going to scold someone for finally getting their nutrients. "Don't worry, you've still got better table manners than Fedir," he joked casually, moving to hand over some naan as he grabbed some for himself. "I didn't know if you ate meat or not, so most of it's vegetarian or vegan, including the dal chaawal you're eating," he explained casually.

Sitting up for a moment, he paused his own eating to think. "Well... It's hard to say," he started, kicking one leg over the other, "I'm not a person who takes orders well. I'd probably pull the trigger for my own brain before I listened to some fucker trying to get me to do something idiotic," he answered honestly.

It wasn't that he was particularly stubborn, but he was defiant. It was part of the reason Uwe and him fought so frequently, and the reason his father sought to get him to settle down. As he thought more on it, gears turning, he continued. "However, I'm not going to say I'm not willing to kill for my own survival," he added on, looking at the food in his hands for a moment, swirling around the container's contents with a fork. "Besides," he cracked his neck to one side then, letting out a low sigh, "I.. said I was a bad person. I don't need the threat of a gun to do awful things," he glanced over, but there was no smile.

He had spent many years trying to blind himself into believing he was doing good, that the people he hurt and killed were worse off than himself. Sure, some were, he could argue that. However, his thoughts went to politicians who just wanted to do right by their people, the innocent who stumbled too close to the sun, and Hu's wife. He clenched his fist thinking on that woman, so kind and caring even to someone like himself and Hu, punished for the fact she wanted them to stop this nonsense. Punished because she cared too much. He made it quick. It was quicker than he'd make anyone else's. Instead of peeling skin back and keeping her on an adrenaline drip, he quietly cut her throat and waited until the fire died out to do his work. He had to pretend he had done it to her in life rather than death, but lying was the easy part. Seeing her face as he did those things, hearing Hu's begging and pleading..

He did not regret it, but he was not stupid enough to think he was doing anything good. He was, after all, a monster.
 
The gesture of guessing his dietary preferences was sweet but made him smile with the irony of it, “I eat anything,” he clarified, knowing at points he’d forced himself to consume things that were barely even edible. It suddenly occurred to him that this food must’ve cost money. “Boze moi, I’m sorry I-I should’ve offered to help pay earlier.” His wallet proved light as always, but he offered up all the money he had on him, only around eleven dollars, “I promise I’ll make up the rest to you, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have accepted all this without thinking...”

He nodded slowly at Jae-Hwa’s answer, expecting him to say he’d kill to survive. “I know the answer I’m supposed to say, I’m supposed to say I’d rather die than hurt someone else,” he tilted his head, brows furrowing. The words the other had used to soothe him swirled in his mind. The words about how it wasn’t his fault the word put him in unimaginably cruel situations. If that sort of situation were to occur and he did kill the person well...that was just coping. Just coping, right? “But….I don’t know if I’d have the strength to do anything. I don’t think I’m strong enough to kill someone, but I don’t think I’m strong enough to sacrifice myself either. I’d probably freeze up and end up dying. They’d probably kill the other person anyway too.”

He groaned, popping another pill into his mouth, “This is why I hated all my philosophy classes. All these thought experiments on if saving one person or saving five people is more moral and the like...I just like it when things are logical and have an actual answer.”

There he was, accusing himself of being a bad person again. Vadim expected another playful smile at the insinuation, a nonchalant shrug, anything to indicate it wasn’t completely true. There wasn’t though, gaze and expression so cold and certain it made him shudder. For a moment Jae-Hwa’s face flashed to the one in his dream, drenched in drips of blood and lacking any hint of remorse. Maybe...he was starting to believe there was at least a little bit of truth to that statement. Vadim cleared his throat, taking a large bite of his food so he wouldn’t have to address the words.

Something primal made him suddenly feel like he was in the presence of the predator, but he tried to shrug it off as his dreams were trying to taint reality. Still...if he kept lingering on the thought he knew it would become unbearable. Once again the roulette of conversations spun in his mind until he landed on one random. “You must have a girlfriend,” he opened, hand over his mouth while he chewed. “Someone that looks like you must have to practically fight people off in that regard,” he laughed lightly, “Handsome and smart is a rarer combination than you’d think.” He’d already consumed an entire container of food, but moved onto the next one without hesitation. With a dismissive gesture toward himself he continued, “See, I only got the intelligence,” he jested with self deprecation.

Despite trying to break the ice, his morbid curiosity about the darkness lying just under the surface of his new acquaintance persisted. “So in terms of our….arrangement,” he pushed his food around, not immediately attacking the bit as he had been. “I propose we engage in an experiment of sorts.” Vadim began to crack his own knuckles, bones popping loudly, “You think of something you want from me,” he let his curls fall over his eyes, “It can be anything, I’m dying anyway so danger wouldn’t really be an issue. And then, in return…” His amber eyes burned, the desire for knowledge, the one that he’d nearly killed himself over, killed other things for burning in the flecks of yellow. “You have to tell me about the worst thing you’ve ever done.”
 
Jae-Hwa paused, letting out a loud laugh at the concern of money. He supposed it was fair, it wasn't like he had mentioned the fact he gained money passively from his family. "Don't worry, consider it a housewarming gift," he replied, waving the money off. "If ordering dinner would've busted my bank, I wouldn't have done it. Besides, it's not like I didn't order some for myself," he instinctively waved his cup of chicken tikka around, offering a playful smile. He had to admit, it was cute that the other was concerned, but he had nothing to worry about. The things he did for Michiru for work paid enough for someone like him, especially living in this place, to last months at a time.

"People lie," he replied, crossing his arms. "They say they'd never kill someone to survive, but they lie. In real life? They'd pull the trigger on someone without hesitation. At least you're honest about it," he stated, shaking his head. "People think that morality is a perfect, linear thing. It's not, even with the most simple of things. It's highly subjective to the person you're talking to. Like," he thought, tilting his head to the side, "If you asked one person if it was moral for homeless people to steal to survive, they could answer yes. You ask another, they say no. There's no right or wrong answer, it's not an objective thing, and moral compasses are suited to one's situation entirely," Jae-Hwa replied. He couldn't blame Vadim for hating something for not having a direct, logical answer. He had thought a lot on morals as a child and teen, especially after his eye, only to come to the conclusion that it didn't matter. "No matter your answer, someone will find issue with it. So, go with what you feel is right," he added on, nodding to himself mainly. That was all one could do in that situation.

There was a small pause at the comment of a girlfriend. He wanted to laugh, and he was holding back snickers very poorly, but he didn't want to make it seem like he was laughing at the self deprecating comment that followed it. "Sorry, I'm not laughing at you, I just... A girlfriend is really funny to me," he admitted, rubbing his face to calm himself down.

"I'm stupidly gay," he replied without hesitation, letting out a snort. "I was called a fruit cake and fairy back in high school, I thought it was a lot more obvious now," he joked, gesturing to his hair and piercings. Of course, he didn't do those things for that reason, but it definitely helped. "A boyfriend, however, I do not have," he added on casually. "As for yourself, though, I wouldn't put the looks thing behind yourself. You're quite the looker," he offered with a hum. It was true, despite what he may have thought, Jae-Hwa was being truthful in the statement.

That sort of experiment, huh. Jae-Hwa had to admit, that was going to be a fun talk. His thoughts ran through everything he'd done, cruel images displaying themselves together in a collage of blood and organs. "Well then, that sounds like a deal," he replied, moving to sit up. "Then, for your end, how about," he paused, moving to stroke his chin. He set the food down, trying to think. It popped into his head, then, and he grinned. "Two things," he started, sitting up entirely. "Firstly, you'll stop covering your mouth when you smile. You are my specimen, and I tend to enjoy looking at all parts of my specimen," he explained, nodding to himself. "And secondly, you'll allow me to take care of you regularly. All of my live specimen have been pets, so I did pretty much everything, but you are human. So instead of the normal, you'll allow me to buy food and things like that. Before you worry about money, I make a passive income outside of my work, so it's not something for me to deal with," he waved his hand casually then.

He figured out as he finished exactly what the cruelest thing was. The worst, most deplorable. He moved, setting his food down as he leaned back. "And my end," he hummed, low and quiet.

"I tortured and killed a man and tormented his family until they died." And that's only the beginning.
 
The clarification on his sexuality made Vadim nearly choke on his food. Not picking up on something like that was another obvious sign that most social cues and understandings of society weren’t things he was familiar with. “Oh,” was all he could manage to say, dumbfounded and weirdly giddy. What do you think you have a shot because he’s into men? The cruel little voice in his head that was constantly shoving him down was already hard at work. Between that and the statements about his own looks he really was close to suffocating on a piece of samosa.
Vadim’s lips curled as he attempted to restrain a smile, but shot both hands up over his chin when he felt unable to stop it from coming. “You’re certainly good at flattery,” he spoke behind his hands, his palms muffling his voice.

Vadim braced for the request, literally squinting his eyes a bit to shield himself for whatever might be thrown at him. Perhaps Jae-Hwa would insist they go hunting, force him to watch the life fade from something's eyes and then make him take it apart right then and there with his bare hands. Maybe he would ask to measure him, taking note of every small detail of his ‘specimen’, make him undress and count his scars and ask where each one came from.
Maybe he’d ask to break his remaining leg so he wouldn’t even be able to leave the apartment building. He had lost himself so much in the hypotheticals that when the actual answer came he did a double take.

“That’s...it?” he asked, genuinely surprised at how innocent the requests were. As per the deal, he forced himself to pull his hand down and let it fiddle with the box of cigarettes in his pocket so it wouldn’t spring right back up. “I”ll be honest, I was expecting a lot worse,” he admitted, voice a bit shaky from the adrenaline of anticipation. Vadim rubbed at the back of his neck anxiously, “It almost feels a bit unfair...I feel like on both sides of this I gain something. Letting you pay for things for me hardly feels like a sacrifice.” Still, that was the only protest he was going to give the scenario. Having a supply of money would do amazing things for research and the thought that things like food wouldn’t be a worry was an immense relief on his psyche.

He sat up now as he waited for the answer that was absolutely killing him to know. His gaze became laser focused, the same way it did when he worked or sat in lecture. Every word of the statement made it exponentially worse. Tortured. Killed. Tormented. Family. Died. If the statement had any fewer words it could’ve been more bearable, but in its completion it was absolutely horrific. There was no way. There was just no way he was serious. To be capable of something like that...you’d have to be a monster. And to admit it to a stranger, you must really feel nothing at all. Part of him believed it to be true, the one that couldn’t shake the image of Jae-Hwa with thick blood crusting his hair. The other part had to believe it was false, just to keep sane. Vadim forced himself to hum, halfway to a laugh. “If you’re trying to scare me, you’ll have to try harder than that.”


Pulling a cigarette he lit it electronically, purposefully avoiding the use of a lighter. Smoking being bad for his health didn’t really matter this late in the game. “For argument’s sake, let’s say you did do all that stuff…” Despite the fact that his body was trembling, legs bouncing anxiously, his mind was still locked in its search for answers, pushing further and further. “Why did you do it?” He reached for his notepad, fully prepared to write something down about this bizarre situation. “And...and why the family too?
 
"What about yourself, hm? I hear professors are into their students pretty regularly," he teased, but a small part of him felt a bubble of rage at the idea. Someone else seeing what was rightfully going to be his specimen left a feeling of anger in his chest. Raw and rubbed aggressively. He would snuff out whatever someone did, he had the resources, a person like that who fraternized with his specimen was hardly going to stand for it.

It was fair that the other was expecting something far worse, that was his sort of M.O. anyway. He had thought about it, of course, of the things he could do that would ensure the other stayed close and never left. Then he realized that he didn't have to go as far, and he didn't have to ruin his masterpiece to get him to stay. Simple things, small, caring gestures were far more appropriate and easy to use. He knew enough about human psychology to know that positive reinforcement, especially in this case, would work well. "I said I'd treat you like my living specimen, right? But you seem like the type to not accept extravagance, so this works in my favor," he replied easily, nodding. It was easy to use things like gifts and care to win people over, he knew this all too well.

A joke. Oh how he wished it was, how he never had to see that man again. The only good part of the story was that he would be in a more sympathetic light. He laughed dryly, void of any positive emotion. "I wish I was joking you, trying to scare you. I told you before, didn't I? I am a bad person, Vadim," he began, shaking his head out. "But that... bastard was worse. I told you about my little sister, right?" he smiled gentle, thinking of soft hands and long hair. A small, small girl, gripping onto him and pleading with him. Bruised, mangled, his stomach knotted. "She's 6 years younger than me. Even at 13, she was only a baby to me. She was acting out, doing stupid things to get attention."

Going out at night, returning in the morning. If only he'd been there. He tightened his fist, knuckles turning white as his face dropped. "He was a cop. He got away with hurting her. Everyone knew it happened, and yet no one did a fucking thing. That bitch, his wife, even blamed her. She was fucking 13 and that fucking mongrel of a woman blamed my baby sister for what that rotten bastard did," the venom that dripped from his words was suffocating even to himself. He could feel the anger crawling back up as he moved, rubbing his face. "She cried to me. She cried so hard. I've never seen my sister cry until that moment, and she wailed," his thoughts went to Vadim earlier, anger rushing once more. He'd do it to everyone that cause that to him as well, he'd destroy them.

"She was scared to exist. Every night she'd cry, tell me he would come for her and kill her. So I taught him a lesson," his voice lacked emotions then, clinical and cold. "I tortured him for 3 months. He died of heart failure one day, probably from exhaustion. I sent pieces of him to his family, I ruined their ability to exist like they had ruined hers. For every night she cried, I made them cry. For every time she begged me to check around the corner, I made sure they had to. They let him get away with his crime, so I got away with mine," he muttered, looking at his hands.

"..I had to take her to make sure she wasn't pregnant. Waiting in that hospital room, holding her and listening to her heart beat," he whispered, quiet and so full of rage that it was hard to tell if he would snap, "I truly thought that I would destroy everyone who hurt what was mine."
 
The idea of anyone being interested in him, let alone a professor, made him laugh so hard a little snort escaped him, immediately making him blush bright red. He rolled his eyes, “I sincerely doubt that, they’re all old as time and married anyway. There's this one guy though...” He waved a hand to shoo away the idea, "He's the golden boy of the whole academy, there's no way he'd even look at me."

The smoke in his lungs faded out slowly while he listened. The story was horrible, it was so horrible it made him want to crawl into himself and never come out again, never have to hear about something so tragic, so complicated. Living on the street he has seen suffering of a similar kind. Young girls who had to sell themselves for money, ripping the sleeves of their sweaters and getting blackened, frostbitten limbs all in the name of trying to come across as ‘available’ to whoever would pay. They’d almost always come back battered, eyes hollow and voice lacking any intonation when they spoke. They were shells. Shells in tiny doll bodies that were bought and sold as easily as the objects they resembled. Poor little matryoshkas, Vadim would call them from a distance. Ghosts on freezing streets, practically dead before their teenage years. Vadim figured they were just about the only people who had gone through as much as he had in their brief little lives.

“I’m so sorry…” his voice was so small. “For you and your sister.” It was especially hard for him to cope with situations like this being a man of scientific thought. If he held the comforts of God and Heaven and Hell, he could believe the man’s rotting soul was suffering for all eternity. But really….it probably wasn’t. The man was likely just dead, lost to a void of anything, especially suffering. Was it right then-- what Jae-Hwa had done? If the law wouldn’t punish him, if God wouldn’t punish him, then was it really so wrong to have brought Hell to Earth for three months? To play Satan, cracking his fiery whip unto those who deserved it most? To those who brought the worst kind of suffering imaginable?

Vadim removed the cigarette from his mouth, grip tightening around it. “People who search for power and by taking what they want from the weak, the small, the innocent…And the people who can just stand there and watch it, snickering or ignoring it...” The end of the cigarette lit bright orange and he inhaled against it, a thick cloud brushing past his pursed lips. “They deserve no mercies in this world.” The line about pregnancy made him physically ill, thinking back to the little girls with swelling bellies under their thin shirts. It wasn’t right for children to bear children. It was against anything right or just in the world. “Whatever you did, he deserved. They all did.”

Reminiscing on all the people he hated, the ones that had contributed to his suffering, he wondered if he may have done the same given he held the power to do so. If he was so fragile, would he have snapped by now? Shanked some cruel old man who spat on him with a piece of glass or ripped the teeth from the mouth of the doctors that refused him any aid? He shifted from his seat on the desk to a spot directly next to the man who’d just bore a dark part of his soul. Tentatively, he let one of his hands rest on the other’s shoulder, a tiny comfort that he didn’t know would be accepted. “You know, if that was supposed to convince me you’re a bad person, I’m sorry but…” He gave the other a sad smile, “I still don’t believe you.”
 
Someone special, someone he was interested in. How infuriating. He ignored the rage that bubbled under skin, threatening to spew lava from his mouth as soon as he heard. He let out a hum, leaning back on his elbows. "I wouldn't put it past yourself. You've encapsulated me, who's to say you haven't caught his attention as well?" he asked, offering a smile. He would find out who this golden boy was in due time. When he did, well, it would be a blood bath waiting to happen.

He nodded quietly in acknowledgement, the memories always flooding back. "I should've done more to him," he replied honestly, cracking his knuckles by pulling his fingers casually. Stress relieving, he reminded himself. "I heard he did it to another kid. Sometimes I think I went too soft on him," he breathed out, closing his eyes. No, he didn't. He did as much as he physically could without killing that man. The end of his life was nothing short of genuine hell, Jae-Hwa knew that. He thought to a filleted face, all muscle and blood crying out at him, begging for it to end. He thought of a chest cavity, completely opened and the sight of lungs breathing in and out. He even thought to the small things, things he did that reminded himself of his father. Whipping his feet until he bled was probably one of the smallest grievances, yet it felt the most empowering to enact his own childhood on someone who actually deserved it.

"This was only the worst, though. There's many.. many more. When you realize it, I might grieve this sort of conversation," he replied, but offered his own sad smile back. Hope was something he stomped from himself as young as he could, not wanting to feel the harsh sting of disappointment over and over again. That small light was only going to drive him insane, he realized, as he watched honey eyes closely. He would drown himself in that honey, searching for the hope that these little comments were bringing him. When he saw the true monster that lurk beneath the surface, all teeth and scalpel, he would stop giving him this hope. He knew it, he always knew it, but he wanted to think that for maybe a moment, that hatred wouldn't come. It was a childish dream, one he'd given up on a long time ago when he learned unconditional love didn't apply to a Satomi. No one could love a monster, and he was sure that rang true here as well.

"None of my specimen have eyes like yours," he muttered, moving to touch Vadim's face. "I wondered for a long time what sort of specimen I was searching for. I traveled the world for insects, animals, everything. I spent years researching," he whispered it, low and quiet. "Now I realize exactly what I was looking for."
 
He laughed lightly, there was a shake to it, as the string of compliments and doting were overwhelming him. “I appreciate you saying that, but there’s no way,” he muttered, taking another hit of his cigarette. “He’s top of our class, good at public speaking, everyone’s enamored with him. His current work is similar to mine, trying to improve people’s lives as much as possible.” Sure he was nice to him, but only in the polite sort of way that well mannered people with good upbringings were. In truth, he had no idea how much of it was a well-to-do facade. They seemed almost completely opposite, the other young man radiating confidence and carrying all the honor of his name while Vadim shrunk into himself and had long abandoned his surname. “He probably doesn’t even know my name.”

Another child...how awful. As if one poor life wasn’t enough. “I’m sure you did everything you could. You did enough.”

Jae-Hwa spoke like both their fates were doomed, like he was waiting for the moment Vadim would be horrified and disgusted by him. “You have to stop talking like that,” the hand he had on the other’s shoulder squeezed gently. “I...might not know everything about you, but I know you’ve been more compassionate to me than anyone has been in a long, long time. So stop worrying I’m going to turn and run, it takes a lot to scare me.” He smiled, noting not to cover it, “Plus, we have a deal, right? I already agreed to let you do...whatever it is you want to do, yeah?”

Vadim’s weak heart began to pound so fiercely the blood in his ears roared with each pulse. A deep blush kissed the high points of his face and made the tips of his ears burn. Everything was too warm, even in the poorly heated apartment building. The delicate flap of butterfly wings rushed from the pit of his stomach all the way up past his rib bones.

The hand on his face was scalding hot but without any pain. The fingers on his face were so gentle, perfect for the delicate work he specialized in, so capable and precise and sweet. Everything about the other seemed perfect in that singular moment, his gaze so impossibly tender despite the piercing color. He couldn’t even think of words to say, whether to thank him or deflect the compliment or start pouring his guts out about how handsome the other was.

“They’re from my mother,” was all he could think to say, warm golden flames burning in his irises. It was nearly impossible for him to look away now, locked in the soft warmth of being so close to another person, and another person who seemed to value him so deeply already. He subconsciously pushed himself the smallest bit closer, just to feel a bit more of that warmth.

Rummaging through this wallet, he took a creased photo out. He handed it to Jae-Hwa, pointing at the figure. The woman in the photo was young, still a teenager. Her face was soft, a tiny little chin and button nose with tight curls. Her curls were tighter than Vadim’s, her hair in light brown ringlets. Perhaps most striking of all were her eyes, large and round and shimmering gold. “That’s her,” he spoke gently, leaning onto the hand on his face. “She’s pregnant with me in this picture but not enough to show yet.”


“I’m sure she would’ve loved to know that someone was out there looking for me.”
 
If his brothers or sister were here, they might comment on his almost puppy like pout from behind. Despite how innocent that sort of pout was, anyone who knew Jae-Hwa knew it held much darker meaning. He wasn't the type of person who accepted being second best to anyone but his choosing, and he was hardly going to let some prep school graduate who'd never tasted the rot of the world take what was his. Still, he figured it be best to avoid mentioning the swirling, violent thoughts that plagued him. He didn't want to come off the way he truly was just yet. No, that would come in due time. "Then he's a blind fool, which says far more about him than it ever could about you," he replied, nodding to himself. "If he hasn't thought to engage you in conversation nor learn your name properly, then it's obvious his brains only extend towards books," he added on, smiling easily.

Everything he could, how he wished that were true. If he had stayed in Japan, if he hadn't wandered off for a few weeks to try and find a specific bug, if he had just listened to her. How he wished with all his heart that this was nothing close to his fault. Still, he nodded, trying to hold onto that hope.

He should've figured that response was coming, but he was still the slightest bit surprised. Jae-Hwa knew, though, that unlike this story, most of his tortures were hardly heroic. He knew that he was easily overpowering, he could take what he wanted even if it did come down to it, but there was a sense of dread at the idea. Perhaps it was because he'd have to harm his specimen more, create more fight than need be, or because he was the type who preferred to be less barbaric with his own things. Either way, he still knew, in the back of his mind, that there had to be a time. No one would accept a man who tortured others for their own gain with open arms, not even the monsters who did the same. "Hope is hardly something I tend to keep in my heart for good reason," he replied, a soft, sad smile. Doomed was the best way he could put it, as unfortunate as it was.

His mother. He should've figured that was the case, but it was still enough to get him to smile, hand pressed lightly into Vadim's cheek gently. His eyes only left to look at the photo, looking at the woman closely.

"I see where you get your looks from, she's beautiful," he commented lowly. The visage of a mother, caring and warm. Large doe eyes that couldn't pierce a person even with the sharpest of blades, endearing in a way. He wondered, vaguely, if his own mother had large doe eyes like those. "She'd be proud of you," he added on, truly believing it. "Though, I would never believe anyone else if they said she was pregnant here," he joked, letting out a low laugh.

Glancing between the picture and Vadim for a moment, he nodded, seemingly to himself. "You're right, though. They're just likes hers," he added on, letting himself stare with intensity between the two. Rather than research or focus for a clinical reason, he knew that he was more interested in the look. He was a vain man in some aspects, he enjoyed looking at beautiful things, and a pair of eyes that could rival even the most gorgeous of citrine gems was going to interest him more than he'd let on.

"..When's your birthday?" the question came from left field, but a small idea popped into his head the moment he thought of that, a certain giddiness following right behind the question.
 
Vadim let smoke brush past his lips lazily, head now fully resting most of its weight against Jae-Hwa’s hand. It was strange, the man from his class and the man in front of him were so similar on paper, but so vastly different in actuality. Both were charming, good looking, intelligent, successful, and yet when all that was peeled off they were probably as opposite as could be. “I was going to ask him to collaborate on our research but I don’t think I’ll be able to muster the guts to do so.” He shrugged, sighing contently “I don’t know how you manage to do it but you always manage to find the kindest things to say to me.”

With a toss, he let the butt of the cigarette hit his desk, ash spilling next to his pill bottle. The comment about not keeping hope crushed him, it was hard seeing someone so giving so broken down. “Listen,” he spoke softly, honey gaze rapidly shifting all over his face and locking onto the curtain of hair that he knew hid something awful. “If you want to talk about being doomed, I’m practically the poster child. There’s almost no way I’ll be able to survive another year...” With an open palm, he gestured to his equipment by the desk, “But I still try to find a way. I’m trying to save myself as much as I’m trying to save others. That...tiny possibility that I can figure something out before it’s too late, that’s what keeps me from laying down and dying every day.”

His eyes caught on the tiny golden bird on the desk, “Hope is the only thing I have left,” he spoke quietly, “Hope is as important to survival for the soul as food and water are to the body.” As philosophical as it sounded, those with strong convictions really did live longer, those who could cling onto something could hold onto this world longer. “So please, don’t give it up entirely. I know it’s hard, but if someone like me, someone whose fate is already sealed can hope...then there’s no reason for someone with the world at their fingertips like you can’t.”

The mention of his mother being proud made him smile sadly, “There isn’t much to show for but...I think she’d be proud of me for holding on for as long as I have...I think for her, just doing that would be enough to make her smile.” Gently, he folded the photo along its crease and tucked it away, “Spi spokoyno, mama.”

The question around his birthday caught him entirely off guard. He could only rationalize that Jae-Hwa was asking to know when he might find the frail man toppled over dead in this very apartment. Birthdays were hardly something to celebrate in his life. It was another click on the hand of the clock that was counting down his days on Earth. His birthday was simply a way to landmark how much time he had left, an opportunity for the grim reaper to edge his scythe closer and closer. Usually he ignored the date altogether, trying his best not to acknowledge it was his birthday. The worst of his birthdays had been the first one after being orphaned. Even though his parents were dirt poor they had always put something together for him, humble as it was. That first year with nothing...that was the hardest.

“My birthday? Ah, it’s the tenth of February, why...do you ask?” It was always especially cold on his birthday, the kind of cold that made him wrap scrapped scarves around his face and huddle into local libraries for warmth. In truth, he really dreaded everything about his birthday, but this one was going to prove especially hard. His mother had died at twenty five, the very age he was turning. He brushed a stray curl out of his face. “Are you into that astrology sort of thing? I don’t really remember what mine is...There’s no real scientific basis to it so I never paid the concept much mind, I find astronomy to be much more fascinating.” Vadim had to restrain himself from going into a full blown rant about constellations. "When's yours?"
 
Well wasn't that just a pickle. On one hand, two people doing research together would get farther than just one, but on the other hand, Jae-Hwa wasn't the generous type in any sense. The idea of him being around his little puppy crush would, normally, be enough to send him into a rage. Thoughts of forcing Fedir or Hu to handle the situation did cross his mind, the satisfying image of a young man splattering across the sidewalk in a 'freak hit and run accident' only pushed him further. He couldn't do that, not yet. Not yet. "Well, that's a loss for him entirely. Though if it's something I can offer, then you don't need to ask him at all," he offered with a hum. He may not be in engineering at all, but he did have money and influence, and that went fairly far. "My nanny said I had a way with words ask a kid, glad I still kept that," Jae-Hwa joked casually.

Snap. That was how it would be described by anyone who'd find out about this, Jae-Hwa was sure. The smallest cord of his own restraint snapping in response to the smallest bit of true, genuine kindness. It was unfortunate for everyone involved, the snap of a cord that would whip around violently and destroy everything. He knew this was the beginning of the end now, the real final straw breaking the camel's back. Any hesitance in keeping his specimen kept in a glass case, under lock and key and eyes at all times was wiped away. He almost felt bad, knowing that Vadim had no clue what he'd just done, but that was overridden by every other emotion. Jae-Hwa could count the number of people on one hand that had made him feel anything positive, but something like this was far more than positive.

"You... are really going to regret saying that one day," his voice was far lower than it had been, a certain sharp edge to it. A promise, painted in blood and sugar, an unfulfilled ending to come. He didn't seem to be bothered by that fact, not now. "You better be prepared for that, since you're really not getting rid of me now. Not even after you die," despite how gentle his hand was, there was a surprising intensity in his words. If the regret was a promise, this was an oracle. A future unseen by eyes untrained, only to be uncovered by Jae-Hwa himself. How he planned to do that, only he would know, but he seemed confident in his own prediction. Concerning, if anyone else were to see it, but there was a fondness in it that offered at least a little shield from the burning heat that came with it. He could practically hear his father reminding him that he could take what he wanted in this life, and for once, he was going to listen to that old bastard.

"She'd be happy to know you're doing what you want, and that you're here," though maybe not in this specific apartment, as he noted the small bits of mold. That would need to be fixed up, but there was time for that. Time that may be small, but it could be filled easily.

He let out a noise of content, seeming to think for a moment. Yes, yes, he could get some good birthday gifts in time. It wasn't hard with his family's influence and money, though he'd have to be careful to not let on what he was doing. Pausing, he let out a snort at the mention of zodiacs. "You're an Aquarius, though I only know that because my brother Fedir told me when 'Aquarius season' is... Whatever that means," he admitted. "Outside of that and my own sign, you could tell me a caprisun was a star sign and I'd probably believe you," he joked, but there was some truth. He knew, at least vaguely, that Michiru was... a Sage? Sagittarius? Yes, that one, but he didn't know any others and had no interest in learning.

"As for why I wanted to know," he grinned, all tooth and fang, "We'll be celebrating. To be specific, I already have a few things in mind for presents, so you'll be hard pressed to escape now," Jae-Hwa hummed out excitedly, almost childlike. Birthdays were one of the few non-tainted things in his life, and he was considered the best part coordinator in the family, so he was hardly going to pass up the opportunity to show his skills off. "As for my own, November first," he replied with a grin as he moved, standing up tall once more. He hadn't celebrated since he turned 21, and Michiru got Hu to kick his ass for trying to celebrate her birthday, so he was far too excitable. He even had ideas, things like renting out a library for a small dinner and relaxing time, or--

Pausing, he looked over. "What would you think about getting a telescope and star gazing?"
 
“Even...after I die?” In all likelihood Jae-Hwa would be the one to find him dead first. Vadim wasn’t super fond of going out. The idea of going to a bar and listening to the sounds of intoxicated people scream at a sports game or watching the way strangers would entangle their tongues and sneak away to a bathroom stall made him physically ill. Even the necessary outings like food shopping or the laundromat could be exhausting; both. It was a good chance he would be at home when he died due to his hermit type of lifestyle. With Jae-Hwa being so close and the unlikeliness that Vadim would ever bring someone else back to his apartment, his new neighbor was the number one contender to discover him. Fantasies of how that would play out began to swim around his mind. Would he shed a tear over his body? How long would he wait to call someone? Would he call anyone at all? Would he sell his organs to his father’s company? Would he take out his eye and use it to replace the synthetic one? Would he simply drag him back to his own apartment and keep him locked up somewhere?

Despite how morbid and twisted his thoughts became, nothing of them particularly bothered him. Once he was dead, there was no way for him to be concerned about the body he was leaving behind. If someone cut his corpse into a thousand tiny pieces, he would feel no pain. If someone strung up his naked dead body for display, he would feel no shame. If someone sold it to some fetishist to desecrate he would feel no violation. For he would be dead, and death was absolute nothingness. He’d never even considered what to do with his body besides the passing thought of donating it to science. In reality he didn't care if he was reduced to ash or buried in a shallow grave under a porch. This vessel had done nothing but fail him, and he didn’t care for it at all. “It would be nice for you to keep me company after my passing.” he spoke gently, “But I’m afraid no matter how many loved ones are beside them as they depart…” He looked out the window for a moment, out at the endless vacuum of space above them. “All living things are destined to die alone. Death is a solitary walk.”

“November 1st? That just passed, did you do anything with your family? Family might've been the wrong word, he realized with a wince, remembering those neat little scares behind the blanket of bubblegum hair. “Er I mean...with your sister?” Vadim perked up, remembering the gift his mentor had given him last Christmas, the one he’d left basically untouched since he’d gotten it. “Ah wait here,” he lifted himself up by leaning heavily on the poles of the bedframe before rummaging through another box amidst the pile of cardboard. It was a large bottle of high end Vodka, one slightly crusted with dust that dulled the shine of the bottle. “It’s good luck to take a shot on your birthday, my dad used to do it on his birthday every year.” Awkwardly, he unscrewed the top and handed Jae-Hwa the booze, “Sorry I/..don’t have glasses. I never had anyone to share this with so I didn’t bother to open it. Also I think the good luck still works even if it’s a bit belated.” It was his best attempt at a joke.


The mention of a telescope and stargazing made him laser focus on the other. “Ah, really? You’d do that for me?” he leaned it excitedly, eyes shining bright, like pools of sunshine were reflecting inside of them. He had gotten so excitable in fact that his voice was much louder than normal, less airy and more confident. The little jump he’d done had brought their faces far too close together, only a few inches keeping them from bumping foreheads. Vadim could literally feel the warmth radiating from the other at that distance. It immediately flustered him so bad he went red all the way down to his neck. “I mean-” with an immediate retreat, his voice was back to its weaker state while he twisted a finger around and around one of his curls. “That sounds...fun.” Though his gaze was rapidly searching for anywhere besides Jae-Hwa’s face, there was still that crooked smile on his face, the one that gave him dimples around the corners of his mouth. “O-only if you’re okay listening to some academic drone on and on about every tiny dot in the sky, that is.” He moved a cold hand onto the back of his neck to try and ease the blood rising to the surface of his skin. ‘I’d really like that.”
 
A lonely death. How sad to think of, something truly disheartening in the idea. Truth be told, he had always assumed there was some part of a person that felt relieved with someone close by in their last moments, but he supposed that was his own way of thinking. Vadim was right, at the end of it all, they would be dying alone. Walking down the darkest hallway, never escaping, never looking back. Nothing but the void and themselves. Truly, a final note in an opera, alone and dying to never end. What a horrifying way to end an existence. It didn't change his thoughts on his own crimes, no, but it did change his thoughts here and now with this specific person.

Perhaps it was the fact that any resemblance of restraint had left him, or the darkness of night creeping in and messing with his brain, but he was making an idiotic decision. Hands moving on their own, he was surprisingly gentle, used to working with fragile insects that would break at even the slightest of twitches, and he grabbed Vadim's hand. Cold, cold skin pressed into his own, a fire with water thrown on it. "Then, should we walk it together?" he asked, no hint of hesitation. Jae-Hwa wasn't a suicidal man, no, he was far from it. Death was never something he envisioned himself in, much like his father, he had assumed death would never knock on his door. He wasn't stupid by any means, he knew he would die, but there was always a lingering assumption that a monster like him never truly dies. He'd live on, in spirit, with the people he'd hurt. Grandkids would hear about their beloved grandparent who died to his hands, the media would use his face if his crimes ever came to light, and Michiru would spread his existence to her own family. As he sat there, staring up at what was his rightfully, he was more than willing to prove that fate. A monster never dies, especially not in this world, and not in his family.

The silence that passed after he asked it made him realize exactly what he'd said, letting out an awkward laugh as he moved on. Something reminded him that people, real people with emotions unlike his, were far more disturbed by that sort of thing than he was. "Sorry, that was a weird thing to say, hm?" he didn't let go of the hand that he held as delicately as he held orchid mantises, but it was easy to see his facade come back. For a moment, he had let the beast slip, and he was truly understanding regret already. "Anyway, my sister was in Japan at the time, but I did treat myself," he changed the subject, moving to look at the bottle with a grin. "To be more specific, I bought some new specimen," he added on.

He paused, laughing out at the glasses comment as he took the Vodka, careful to not drop the bottle. "It sounds like a good luck charm, honestly. Well, since you don't have glasses, would you like to come to my apartment? We can have a drink together, consider it a middle-birthday celebration. Though, I think it's more like one third between our birthdays, but that's neither here nor there," he joked, gesturing vaguely. Despite how private Jae-Hwa normally was, he figured it was fine. Though he was vaguely worried for the reaction his walls usually instigated, he was more than willing to see how Vadim reacted to the other specimen. Not to mention, he'd have to do repairs on Vadim's room as he'd done on his, so they'd get to talk about that as well.

"Of course, I enjoy hearing academics talk. You'll have to dumb it down for me though, I was never good at anything relating to space science," he replied, a grin plastering his own face. There was a temptation to truly keep his specimen locked up, but then he'd never see that. That smile that had proven exactly what he was looking for. "There's a spot a bit out that has a lot less light pollution as well, it's nothing big in terms of how much better it is, but it's something. And worse comes to worse, I take you back to where I was raised. Absolutely no light pollution all the way out there," he seemed joking, but the hint of truth that laid beneath that popped out instantly. He thought back to his first home, and the stars that surrounded it at night. That could be a good trip, should they ever get a trip, after all.
 
The proposition for them to face his own death together stunned him so bad his mouth hung agape. His own father hadn’t even been willing to witness and share in his slow, sad, death. And yet, here was a virtual stranger offering to weather his ultimate burden with him. His amber gaze fell down to how delicately his hand was being held. Tenderly, like he was breakable and sweet like they had been lovers for years. It made his ears burn and his eyes shine. “Erm..No- It’s not weird-” he was struggling to speak, to think of anything to say. “You don’t have to do that for me. Or take me all the way out to a beautiful place, I wouldn’t want to inconvenience you like that.” Vadim glanced at the unfinished mechanical eye on his desk.

“You’re inviting me over?” It would seem like a small, simple gesture to anyone else, but it was rare that someone would open their home to someone like Vadim. Most people would rather pretend he didn’t exist altogether let alone wanting to invite him in.Vadim had a complicated relationship with alcohol. On the one hand he associated it with holidays in his youth, the sound of laughter from inside the bars he’d sit outside during cold nights, the way it brings a gentle rosiness to people’s cheeks. On the other hand, it was his father’s vice as his downfall began following the passing of his mother. The way it made his Russian was indecipherable when he spoke, the acidic smell of vomit crusting onto the floorboards, the sound of glass shattering.

This was an opportunity to repair that, to associate it with nice, new, and warmer feelings. “I’d love to come over,” he spoke with a shy smile, already worrying about knowing what not to touch or where this hospitality was going to reach its limit. He held the bottle awkwardly in his arms, elbows feeling knobby and jutting in bizarre ways. He let Jae-Hwa lead him into the neighboring apartment, fumbling and ranting nervously along the way. “Ah, should we do a... toast or something? I wouldn’t really know what to say if we did, I've always been terrible with coming up with something like that

The sheer number of insects along the walls was startling. Obviously, Vadim had expected Jae-Hwa to adorn his home with his most prized specimens, but this was more than he could’ve imagined. “Woah…” he regarded breathlessly. The pieces were as gorgeous as they were initially startling. The colors, the perfect state of preservation, all of it was fascinating. Jae-Hwa had been right about his favorite specimens being those who were imperfect.

The one that caught his eye most especially was a spider missing half of its legs. Vadim could only imagine the way the poor creature has suffered before it’s death, confused and having to contort itself to walk. It felt like a mirror as he suddenly became especially aware of his own prosthetic. His slender fingers ghosted over the glass, acting as if he was reaching to pet the creature. “Do you know how it lost them?” he asked, mesmerized.

“I’m being so rude,” he scolded himself with another harsh blow to his own head, shuffling back over to the vodka bottle and turning it about in his hands. “You know I actually really dislike the taste of vodka, I’m a bad Russian in that regard, I think. I've never even gotten drunk before.”
 
Jae-Hwa let out a snort then, moving and knocking the other with his finger on the forehead, though it wasn't hard. "I told you before, I don't offer things that inconvenience me. If I didn't think I could handle it, I wouldn't offer," he replied, offering a smile. "Things that annoy me aren't things I do, so you don't have to worry," he added on, nodding to himself. He was blunt in that regard, having no care for if others were hurt by that. It wasn't in his will to care about pain that other people felt, even if he should or wanted to, it was simply how he was built. A broken clock that was right twice a day, but never more. Missing his gears and having too many in places there shouldn't be, a mistake.

He listened to the awkward fumbling with a small sense of pride, knowing he was causing the awkward mess that was happening in that moment. He was definitely sadistic, he realized, as he held back little snorts and laughs to himself. "We can toast, I'm pretty good at them," he replied, opening the door to his room. Wall to wall, covered in insects and arachnids in glass frames, with only a few things standing out. There were a few pieces that stood out, but the one that had caught Vadim's notice had to be a spider with half of it's legs missing, in a case of glass, mahogany and emeralds on each corner. It wasn't anything large, but it was one of Jae-Hwa's favourites.

He glanced over, moving to pick up the case gently. "Do you want to touch her?" he asked, moving to open the glass of the case. If his hands had been gentle with Vadim, they were practically ghosts now, slowly moving the pinned specimen's board out of the casing. "She's a wolf spider," he explained, moving to carefully extend the spider. He spoke of the spider like a person, so careful and soft, eyes holding an almost childlike joy at he watched her. "She was actually a pet I had when I was young, I found her in the basement when my matron locked me in. Wolf spiders aren't dangerous to humans, but they're not friendly either. She was, though. She climbed on me all the time, she even reared at my matron. When she had hatchlings, they all grew up, but one was incredibly aggressive and ripped her legs off. She lived for two weeks after that, but she refused to eat and eventually starved," he explained, fingers ghosting the top of her cephalothorax.

He smiled then, so soft and caring towards the creature beneath his fingers, "Out of all of them, she and my goliath beetle are my favourites," he explained, gesturing to another insect. This one much larger, in a case of glass, oak, and rubies around the corners. Despite the wing casing being open and the wings being displayed, it was easy to see where the insect was wrong. Wrinkled and ripped wings, that was what Jae-Hwa had meant. They were useless, nothing more than decoration on a bug that needed them, already missing two legs.

"If it helps, I hate the taste of sake," Jae-Hwa joked, carefully setting his specimen back into the case. "So we're not too different. If you want, after we shoot our toast, we can have some mixed drinks. I'm sure I have the stuff to make tequila sunrises," he joked, offering a light grin.
 
“Your collection really is impressive,” he spoke, still in awe at the sheer number of them lining the apartment. He had the passing thought of wondering if Jae-Hwa kept specimens in his bedroom, all their beady little eyes watching him while he slept. Vadim was terrified to touch the spider. Not due to any sort of fear around insects but because of how clearly precious it was. He almost didn’t trust himself with something so precious. When the four legged spider finally was in his hands, he couldn’t help but smile at it. “You and I are kind of similar, you know,” he spoke to the specimen in his hand as though it were another person. Gently, he lowered the spider to his ankle where he raised a pant leg so it could see it was entirely metal and wood and not flesh and bone.

The story of Jae-Hwa being locked away and finding solace in a creature most would find horrific was heartwarming to him. “Not exactly Fido,” he joked, knowing there were probably far fewer family spiders than family dogs on Earth. Hos honeyed gaze drifted across the room to the beetle, completely inept. “They’re beautiful,” he mused, trance-like.

His attention returned to the spider once again as he reminisced over her little life. The thing that was supposed to love her unconditionally was the very thing to rip her to pieces. All three of them shared that awful tragedy in common to be betrayed by their own blood for one reason or another. Vadim felt condemned to speak to a creature that couldn’t understand him even if it was living. In truth, he knew very little about the relations of spiders, why their offspring would be compelled to mutilate their own mother in such a way.

Perhaps it was to feed, a means of survival. Perhaps it was spite, some awful hatred the tiny creature held for being forced to exist in such a world. Perhaps it simply loved her too much for their own good. “I remember thinking it was strange, not hearing the sound of crickets,” he spoke quietly, as if just to the spider in his hands. “We always kept the windows open because we loved to hear their music in the summertime. But it was so quiet that night…” he trailed the ghost of a finger over where a leg should be.

“All the windows were closed. They were sealed shut with wax. Red wax, the candles we’d kept from her wake…” his voice was hoarse, barely above a whisper. “And the smell,” he cringed a bit at his recount, “it hurt to breathe, it was so strong…” His reverie ended abruptly as the reality of his scenario sank in. Here he was rambling to a dead spider about the worst day of his life. Perhaps he was sicker than he thought.

“Ah, sorry, I just got lost for a second there…” With the utmost care he returned the spider the way he’d found it and positioned him at the table with the alcohol and glasses. He poured himself a shot and held it up weakly, anxiously twisting his hair in his free hand. “Let’s get my attempt at a toast over with first so you can save the situation,” he spoke shyly. “Uhm...here’s to new friends and….to broken things.”
 
"I've had it for as long as I can remember," he replied earnestly, thinking to his childhood. Only the oldest specimen meant the most to him, locked away in a drawer to never be seen by anyone but himself. It had been the creature that started his interest in bugs, and had been there for him at the worst of times. A creature he hated, loathed with all of his soul, but loved at the same time. Some day he'd show Vadim, show the little creature that he was essentially merged with in soul, and he'd show the horrors that lie beneath the insects that lined the walls. The rotted roots that pushed Jae-Hwa up and out of the ground, gasping for air and life.

As he watched Vadim talk to the spider, he was reminded of himself for a good moment. He felt his heart ache as he thought to a small child, covered in bruises and exhausted, whispering the secrets of pain and wishes of a better life to a little creature. Though he never heard any praise or care back, the comfort of understanding one another was brought. Insects were seen as filthy, irredeemable creatures, monsters like him. He knew then, in that moment, that Vadim was the same. A monster hidden under layers of clothing and exhaustion, pushed back into the ground and forced to drown in the dirt and rot he was surrounded by. He would pull him out before his death, even if it ripped the roots and Jae-Hwa's hands were cut by thorns. He would destroy what rooted him under the dirt and leaves.

Silently, he clinked glasses, taking his own shot before he moved, sitting up. He seemed to look around for a moment, taking in the situation that had been implied. Something had happened, and Jae-Hwa was going to offer his condolences the best way he knew how. Breaking something. He clicked his tongue as he opened a door, pulling out a wrench casually and tossing it in the air to catch it.

"To broken things, and to an open window," he replied, setting his glass down before aggressively slamming the wrench into the window. The sound of shattering glass and the feeling of tiny particles slicing him were all ignored by the rush of cold air coming in, knocking over a few pieces with more shatters. Taking a deep breath, Jae-Hwa turned towards Vadim then, taking his glass once more, he poured a bit more Vodka in, raising it. "We'll shatter the windows one by one before you die. I will destroy every window in your house, melt the wax sealing, and climb out. We will be covered in cuts and bruises, and you will never make it off the front lawn alive, but I will drag your body through the shattered glass and sit on the side walk. You will leave this shit infested house once and for all, Vadim. I swear on my life."

Throwing back the shot, ignoring the feeling of blood now rushing down his cheek, he raised the glass and smashed it once more. "To new beginnings."
 
“Aplodismenti,” he gave cheers as the glasses came together with a bright click. Vadim mirrored Jae Hwa’s movements, bringing his own shot to his lips before tipping his head back to slam it back. It burned all the way down, that sting of sterility reminding him of the sterilizing alcohol his father would pour on his wounds in his youth. The taste made him shudder and scrunch up his face, a laugh capping off the disgusted display, “Wow, that’s vile,” he remarked with a weak smile. Even after the one shot he could feel the warm tingly feeling of intoxication brush against him the tiniest bit, “I should be careful with how many of these I have.”

In an instant Jae-Hwa was up, and wielding a wrench. “What’s that f-” The sound of glass being fractured rang all the way down to the marrow in his bones. The whole display happened in slow motion, the way Jae-Hwa wound the objects up, the way Vadim realized where it was going to make contact, the way shards exploded in all directions in time moving through water. The spray of fractals made him flinch, curling in on himself to protect anything vital. In truth, the glass didn’t reach him. Part of him wondered if Jae-Hwa had calculated in his brain, the fact that Vadim wouldn't be put in any real danger. The other part wondered if he’d even considered the consequences at all.

Gingerly, Vadim uncurled himself, letting his eyes fall to the pile of clear pieces scattered around his neighbor. His gaze traveled up to the now open window, a chilled breeze pushing a curl over his eyes. Jae-Hwa’s speech seemed manic and unhinged, the ramblings of a nearly mad man. It was the first time Vadim had felt genuine fear towards the other since meeting. Watching the man smile and speak so enthusiastically while now dotted with blood and swinging around a weapon, there was a genuine glimpse of a monster there. The panicked part of him wondered what exactly the speech meant-- was he going to toss him out the window right now? Bash his skull in with that wrench and then drag him down the stairs to the front lawn? His heart was starting to beat so hard his fingers were going a bit numb.

Any sensible person would likely leave now. Leave while they were sober enough to escape easily and could give some halfhearted excuse about studying or work. Vadim was smart, but certainly not sensible. The underbelly of his psyche kept him right where he was. The sick parts of him, the ones he’d maybe inherited from his father kept staring out that window, out at the dark sky with a few sparse stars.

Suddenly he was back there, back in that house, his tiny hands desperately trying to push open a window, screaming his little throat raw for his father to stop. “He looked freshly baptized when I found him in the living room,” he stood up unsteadily and stepped toward Jae-Hwa. “He was soaking wet, hair slicked back and miniscule drops on his eyelashes. He looked so at peace when he beckoned me over…” Another step, this one crunching glass beneath it. “The smell was awful, but I still went over to him, kneeling in a puddle on the carpet. It made rainbows on the rug, the liquid. I remember thinking it was so pretty…” More glass snapped underneath him until he was right next to his neighbor. “He hugged me and pet my hair, promising me all these things, rambling on and on about how nice heaven is or something.”

Vadim reached his hand out the now open window, letting his fingers touch the cold, fresh air. “And then he lit a match.”

If just one person had come to help him, things would be different. Jae-Hwa would’ve saved him. Jae-Hwa was still saving him.

He eyed the vodka bottle, holding his own glass out, “You know what? I’ll take another one of those.”
 
Perhaps it was the cold air finally reeling him back in, or the ever tight muscles finally feeling the release of breaking something, but Jae-Hwa was finally coming to his senses about what he'd just done. He didn't regret it, of course not, but he was certainly sure for a moment that Vadim would leave. Make the smart choice, leave him in the broken glass and cold air filling the room, and try to avoid him for the rest of his time here. He wouldn't blame him if he did, he smashed a window and went on a tangent about dragging his dead body onto the lawn, most people would've sprinted away at that point.

But he was reminded once more that Vadim was not most people, listening to a tale with horrific implications. A man so driven by his own desperation that he did the unthinkable, yet there were shards of his glass still left. Broken pieces to the tale not entirely turned to ash, standing right before him. Perhaps this was exactly what Jae-Hwa's father meant when he said that love was never beautiful, an emotion that only brought pain.

Yes, he was right, Jae-Hwa thinks. Love is ugly and hideous and painful, a shitty cake filled with razors and barbed wire, frosted in pink icing to make it enticing. Love was as dangerous as rage or even apathy, fueled by delusional, self fulfilling thoughts. He almost laughed at himself, knowing that his own thoughts were probably delusional as well. He wondered, then, if he cared. If he had to choose between rage or apathy or love, he'd much rather lose his mind to love. He steadied himself, throwing the wrench haphazardly towards a random point in the room, the feeling of cold air mixing with the now drying dots of blood on his face. He picked up the bottle of vodka, pouring out another glass, before moving to take a swig.

"Do you hate him?" the question came with no hesitance, taking a seat on the couch arm. He gestured vaguely, a small invitation to make himself at home, though he would move to sweep some glass off the couch a moment after. He hadn't truly thought much past his impulse, the clean up was something for a future Jae-Hwa to deal with.

For now, he would simply sit and listen as much as he could while getting hammered. He was almost reminded of his teen years, throwing back shots and complaining to his older brothers about things.

This was different in every way, but it brought a warmth to his chest as he took another swig. Smashing the drinking glass was a dumbass idea, though.
 
The question caught him off guard. So much so that he choked a bit on the shot he was taking. It sent him into a violent fit of coughing, one that revealed freckles of blood in his palm. He closed his hand in on itself to tuck away such gruesome reminders. Normally Vadim would never divulge such details, but the way Jae-Hwa had proven to understand him in ways other people couldn’t, and the way his third shot of vodka hitting his veins was making him feel uncharacteristically open. “Mmm,” he hummed, face starting to show splotches of red across his cheeks from the alcohol, “...Sometimes,” he answered honestly. He rested his jaw in his palm, tilting his head while old reveries played in his head. “I hated him most when I woke up. When I realized my leg was gone. And more especially...because now I was alone.” He laughed, but the sound was impossible melancholy, “I wished he was alive so bad at that moment. So that I could scream at him and punch his teeth red. But...” he shrugged, now laying his entire cheek in his hand, “There was no one there. No one to blame.”

He tilted the shot glass with his finger, letting it almost fall over each time before pushing the other way. “I still love him though. He was a depressed, terrified man. He loved me so much...and he just couldn’t cope with the thought of me suffering through existence that way. To love someone so much that you would do something unthinkable...It was noble in a fucked up sort of way.” He laughed then, burying his forehead into his palm. “God I sound as crazy as him, don’t I?” He waited to Jae-Hwa to finish swigging from the bottle before pouring himself another, swinging it back. “Y’know this stuff gets better every time I take another sip,” he smiled, crooked and intoxicated. A moment of quiet passed. “I see his face a lot. I see it in flames. I watch his eyeballs melt like candle wax and I hear those awful screams of his begging me to stay with him. And somehow, I still miss him because...” heartache crossed over his face, “I don’t think anyone’s ever going to love me that much ever again.”

He was getting more and more giggly by the second despite the excruciatingly morbid subject matter. “Y’know, a long time ago, there was a day where I looked up at the stars and I wanted to ask them why life was so cruel to some and so kind to others. But I realized then that the stars are merely observers, they don’t dictate who lives and who dies it’s all just....” he made an explosive sort of hand gesture, “Chaos.” Vadim laced his fingers together, “Chaos with moments that sometimes line up together quite perfectly. I guess that’s the closest thing to fate I believe in.” His laced fingers closed and wrapped around each other, “Like me meeting you, verno? Maybe that’s one,” his words were starting to slur, a lazy smile stuck on his face while he slipped sometimes back into his native tongue.

The now open window pouring in cold air was finally starting to catch up with him, the swirl of dizzy warmth from being drunk the only thing keeping him from being far colder. Still, he rubbed at his arms a bit to keep heat in. “What about you? Do you hate your father and brothers?” He laughed, snorting a bit on it, “You probably can afford to, you don’t have to worry about no one loving you. You’re an easy person to love, lots of people could love you.” Again he found himself laughing, another uncharacteristic habit coming out of nowhere. He was nearly resting his head on the table now with how far he was leaning over it. Gingerly he reached up to the cut in the other’s face. He gently swept his thumb over it, trying to clean up the blood but instead basically smearing it across the other's mouth. “You look so familiar like this,” he muttered, eyes glassy and lidded from the booze, “Like you were always meant to be covered in blood,” it was hard to even understand him at that point with how thick his accent had gotten. “Ubiytsa…” he mumbled, giggling at the word, “Why does it not seem so bad when I say it about you?”
 
The coughing was a tell tale sign he'd caught him off guard, moving to pat his back awkwardly to help move the coughing along. He felt a bit bad about that, if only because he knew choking on alcohol was like lighting your nose on fire and suffocating half the time. He listened closely to each word, the loneliness from Vadim's words creeping in like the cold from the window. Losing someone you love in such a horrible way, losing yourself the same day, it was all things he could see happened. He couldn't be mad, nor truly blame the man, he understood those emotions swirling and swimming around and clouding judgement.

"You don't sound crazy," Jae-Hwa replied, leaning back into the couch with a certain slowness to it. Unlike his earlier movements, jerky and sharp, he was slow paced now. A snail compared to his general anxious movement before, the alcohol slowing him down. "It's natural, I think. Even with what he did, you still live with the positive memories, right? Is it not fair to love him then?" he asked, head resting back for a moment. "Even if he ruined everything he built for you, you still love the ashes he left, because they're for you. I get it, maybe," he nodded, breathing out as he sat up to take another swig. The feeling of alcohol going down burned, but it was providing more warmth that he'd thought was possible. "To love someone so much you'd do unspeakable, unthinkable things in exchange for what you perceive as their happiness.. Isn't that true love?"

The question rang in his ears then, thoughts slowly as he sat up once more, taking a long swig. He didn't know why that question hit him in a sore spot, but it did, and suddenly he felt like throwing things around. Instead, he opted to speak again, avoid having a tantrum once more. "I understand being alone," he muttered, moving to run a hand through his hair, "I am alone. I told you my sister is open, right? That includes how she feels about me. I'm a pawn to win over father, a glove to keep the blood off her hands," he laughed, hollow and agitated. He moved then, throwing a pillow away casually as he leaned closer. "I was solely raised by a matron I saw three times a week until I was 12 in a shack on the outskirts of our property, I learned to do everything on my own, and even when I finally met my brother for the first time... Within a week," he moved, pushing the curtain of hair up and making a popping noise. "Bye bye, eye."

He paused, watching Vadim closely as his own face flushed. The cold air pressing against the nape of his neck and the feeling of blood smearing against his face, Russian he couldn't quite understand or make out, and the alcohol settling in his stomach all wrapped together into a realization. Hand moving to press into Vadim's, he ignored personal space, moving to sit in front of him.

"Actually, I'm not alone. And neither are you," he muttered, low and so soft one would think he was singing hymns. "Because I have you, and you have me," he continued, pressing his forehead against the other's. The feeling of heat finally flooding the once cold room as he pressed another hand into the couch, eyes unwavering and sharp despite the wavering of breath and voice. "And I won't let you go. You're not allowed to leave now, I won't leave you alone. I won't leave you alone even if you beg and cry and plead," Jae-Hwa whispered. "We'll ruin each other, and when you die, I'll die with you, and I'll take everyone who's ever hurt you down with me. I'll fucking kill them all for you, Jagi."
 
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