Poetry Gerodotus' "Beyond Mortal Eye"

Grey

Dialectical Hermeticist
I beseech thee, O Principles,




Sing thee now of truth




And let me be thy avatar and vessel




That with vision beyond mortal eye




And mine own sight divine




Thy prison be revealed.








Know now of darkness,




The night which is without beginning or end




Whence all come, to which all proceed




And draw back the inner eye, reveal




The sphere of light which confines the dark




Though it persists.








Know now of light, which cannot be seen




For it blinds mortal eyes




And troubles mine own sight divine.




This light is Pride, First Circle here;




The sun of which the sun men know




Is but a pale shadow cast




Upon empty, paltry heavens.




Witness now the palaces and balconies,




And shining devas of might and beauty




Who light the heart of this realm.








Know now of night, which is felt,




Velvet and woven of sleep,




And is ever where light is not;




The Second Circle, Sloth,




Primal and serene where walk




Those devas of nightmare and of dreams.




A shadow cast, and thou art blind




Unless they feel mercy for mortal eyes




Or spite of sight divine,




And wander here forever.








Know now of fire, and of stone,




Of crackling storm and heat,




Where roam beasts of rage and flame




And all Circles meet.




The Third Circle, which is Wrath




And walked in mighty tread




By hooves of basalt, blood of iron




And swept by gaze which sears the flesh




Whether mortal eye, or sight divine.




These devas are vengeance, and thou hath sinned.








Know now of ice, and of tears




The bitter chill and loathsome sting,




Stalked by shadows from the deep,




Hunted by silent wings.




Fourth Circle; Envy,




Salt and sea and crippling cold.




Words of venom,




Palaces but temporary




That taunt and fade




Before mortal eye, or sight divine.








Know now of flesh, and hunger




And all indulgences and deprivation.




All pleasures and pains




And their meeting-place.




Fifth Circle, that of Lust




Which wanders as it please




Bound not by place or form




Nor taboo nor law.




To mortal eye or sight divine




It revels in perversity.








Know now of glass and steel,




All things made one, and none




The crash of iron, the choking smog,




Devices which devour.




Greed, Sixth Circle,




Covetous of jewels




Of mortal eye or sight divine




Of hope or love




That they be made to obey




The order of cog and gear.








Know, then, of Pandemonium




Of the Demon City!




How beautiful in aspect, how vast in scope.




It is forever under the sun, forever




Beyond your vision.




It is without end, though it begins




At the Spire 'round which revolves




The Palace and Prison wherein they wait.








Beyond this vision, draw back




The inner eye, and see




We return to but a sphere of light,




In darkness it recedes, that night




From whence all come, to which all proceed.





 
I hope you do not mind the very late critique, and if you want commentary on more recent/other pieces of your work, please let me know where I can find them.


Now into the critique itself, I really like the imagery you provided for each of these vices, they all serve to reinforce the feeling of the vice and you can feel the vice coming before it is named through the imagery, and what comes after further reinforces it.


The thematic as a whole is a nice one, as well. Wisdom within darkness, truth within these vices as inherent natures of man. To be struggled against perhaps, but not to be treated as something that can, or should, simply be excised. At least, that's what I got from it.


The one of which I found the imagery most problematic was Greed, unlike the others it focuses on a very specific kind of it. It takes steam-based machinery and elevates that to the only kind of greed by its absence of almost any mention of what greed is about in the first place: the accumulation of material wealth.


If we leave behind the imagery and head to structure, I could not find a coherent meter, which made reading through the poem a slog. Poetry is to be read aloud, its structure to have a metric that is ideally subtle but definitely always there. If the metric is unpredictable, the reading is complicated as you have to do more work to predict where the stresses are supposed to fall.


Perhaps the problem is not in the meter but in the lack of enjambments to help make the meter more clear, as it always did feel as though there was some thought put into the meter, it's just that due to the varied line lengths and incoherent start of meters on lines that, while reading it aloud to myself, I kept stumbling over the words as what I expected the meter to be could not be found.


The verses felt thematically coherent, which is always nice, but the differing lengths compounded with the metrical issues to make this poem, as a whole, seem a bit messy/
 
Thanks! Much appreciated this, and always better late than never.


I wrote this as a bit of in-universe fiction and a lead-in to one of my games, so some of the messy elements are intentional, and some are unfamiliarity with the particular style - I was aiming for something that evoked a direct translation of early Roman poetry, with an emphasis on 'early', like the art was yet unrefined.


I could stand to tidy it up, though, you're right. Have a more refined version. Choose my words far more carefully.


As for other work for which I'd appreciate criticism - there is scads of the stuff.


Really, a lot.


I'd run out of things to name these links, possibly
 

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