Advice/Help First Time GM - Premise Feedback?

Duke

Lord of the Lurkers
Hello! A small introduction first - this is my first post here, and while I've participated in a boatload of both group role-plays and 1x1s, this is my first time actually creating one (and I'm a little overwhelmed to say the least).

To prioritize matters, I should mention that this is a role-play still in its stages of infancy. I have only a inkling of knowledge in what the world is going to present itself as, and even that is liable to change.

What I'm more concerned about - and what I now present - is the premise that I'm hoping will serve to both interest (and remain interesting to) a small (3 or 4) group of RPers. Here it is (all still WIP, btw):

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SYNOPSIS FOR [AFTERWORLD - HEIST OF A LIFETIME]

A crew of accused criminals are caught, convicted, and executed. In the space between the 'concrete' world and the afterlife, however, their life-forces are 'snatched' by a rather devious trickster entity that calls itself Jydo and who claims to be the minor God of Chaos.

Settling the jarred group down in his so-called pocket realm, Jydo explains that, due to his tendency of severe procrastination, he has ignored his task of retrieving another god's desired talisman from the clutches of an eldritch entity known as 'Lightwalker' for roughly three centuries, and now (due to what he says is a 'booked schedule') has decided to employ the help of us 'lucky' souls to go steal it.

It becomes clear that this is just another errand to Jydo and a task of little importance in the grand scheme of pantheon politics; Jydo even admits that the possession of the talisman is only meant to be a way to curry some good favor from the higher gods.

But to us, it means the world.

Jydo promises us that if we are successful, he'll do his 'good deed of the millennium' and pull some strings from his higher-ups that'll allow us a second chance at life. We shall be reincarnated as champions, kings, and queens, and live a life of glory and fame.

And if we refuse? Or, daresay, fail? Jydos, being a god of trickery and chaos, will condemn our souls to what they were originally meant to do - wander, till the gods croak and rot and the world turns to dust (at least, that's how Jydo paraphrased it). But is it really worth the risk to go against our possible salvation?

Literary Introduction (WIP)
The Ocheon Republic has never taken kindly to criminals.

In a turbulent political landscape, even the pettiest of crimes are being enforced with renewed vigor; the threat of an advancing imperial army looms, and the Republic is taking no chances when it comes to its internal security. In such a tense atmosphere, nobody is safe: thieving children are caught and routinely find their offending hand severed, lower noblemen are discovered garroted and thrown in canal waterways, and even menial citizens are brought under heavy scrutiny for suspicious behavior of any sort.

Unfortunately, whatever you've done is enough to call for a death sentence.

Maybe you've done nothing, but even so, your pleas of saintliness fall on deaf ears. Or maybe you've done everything, and you walk to the gallows with your head held high, damnably defiant till the end. Whatever choice you've made, you're sentenced - by the Republic of Ocheon, Most Honorable Fatherland - to death.

And so you die, hoisted on an execution platform, surrounded by fellow criminals and crowds of indifferent citizenry.

In most tales, that is where your story ends. But one minor deity has decided it is only your beginning. (wip)

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Some further notes:
- Basically, it's a heist plot in a setting known as the Afterworld (which serves as this role-play's 'underworld', with slight variations). To spice things up, I tried raised the stakes enough to immediately invest the players' characters in the plot - it's a gamble for their futures, and, ultimately, their very lives. I also thought the inclusion that they're freshly dead could give them some interesting inner conflict.

- I'm also planning the crew of criminals to already be somewhat acquainted with each other (not enough to be friends, mind; just enough so that the role-play doesn't grind to an immediate halt with introductions and whatnot). The in-universe reasoning for this would be that they were a new thieving crew assembled by some shady nobleman who double-crossed them and essentially caused them to get caught in the first place. Enough for them to know each other by name and skills, perhaps, but nothing close to resembling personal relationships.

GM Notes (if this ever gets off the ground):
- As already established, your character is - technically - not alive. For the sake of this RP, though, expect the physics of a normal world to still apply to your character's body (essentially, sure, you're a spirit, but please don't think about it in terms of being immaterial or such. You can't walk through walls or hover or some shit.)

Another important matter to address is that your character can still get hurt. Badly so. Lore-wise, the afterworld recognizes what is considered the duo-mortem, or 'second death'. Like death in the previous world, it is widely unknown and feared by the other spirits in the afterworld, who claim it’s the 'destruction of the soul' (i.e. there is no further place your soul can go - you essentially cease to exist). So, yes, the characters should still fear getting hurt/dying (otherwise, there's no tension). Even more importantly, in the Afterworld, there are fates way worse than the duo-mortem.
 
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Honestly, this seems like a pretty good simple plot. It has a clear linear direction, somewhat focused appeal and doesn't require anything major to work, perfect for someone's first time GMing.

I do have to disagree with one of your decisions though. This one:
I'm also planning the crew of criminals to already be somewhat acquainted with each other (not enough to be friends, mind; just enough so that the role-play doesn't grind to an immediate halt with introductions and whatnot). The in-universe reasoning for this would be that they were a new thieving crew assembled by some shady nobleman who double-crossed them and essentially caused them to get caught in the first place. Enough for them to know each other by name and skills, perhaps, but nothing close to resembling personal relationships.

The mystery of who another is is a strong part of these "afterlife" kind of stories, bearing not just internal and external conflict for the characters, but also enormous character development and dynamics potential in the form of exploring the meaning of having died to the characters and how their deaths impact them and anyone who finds out about it. By making the characters know each other from the start, you kind of shoot yourself in the foot in this regard for what appears to me to be little to no gain.
This isn't to say characters shouldn't be allowed to know each other, but I wouldn't make it a rule or even necessarily promote it in this case.

And one last note before I go, if you do not have the setting or anything like that in here, do not put it in the title. Seeing a title asking for feedback on premise AND setting, then seeing this:
Once again, please note that I'm aware there is an absence of any setting or lore

...feels a bit mean-spirited.
 
Honestly, this seems like a pretty good simple plot. It has a clear linear direction, somewhat focused appeal and doesn't require anything major to work, perfect for someone's first time GMing.

I do have to disagree with one of your decisions though. This one:


The mystery of who another is is a strong part of these "afterlife" kind of stories, bearing not just internal and external conflict for the characters, but also enormous character development and dynamics potential in the form of exploring the meaning of having died to the characters and how their deaths impact them and anyone who finds out about it. By making the characters know each other from the start, you kind of shoot yourself in the foot in this regard for what appears to me to be little to no gain.
This isn't to say characters shouldn't be allowed to know each other, but I wouldn't make it a rule or even necessarily promote it in this case.

And one last note before I go, if you do not have the setting or anything like that in here, do not put it in the title. Seeing a title asking for feedback on premise AND setting, then seeing this:


...feels a bit mean-spirited.

Yeah, it wasn't meant to be mean-spirited. Looking at the comparison of title and content, that was my bad. If it's possible, I'll edit it so that it only says premise. My purpose of re-iterating that statement though (to make things clearer) was mainly just so that I didn't get critique back that only focused on that aspect of the idea. A way of dissuading 'pointing out the obvious' somewhat. But I can see in foresight how it was a dumb decision to put 'setting' in the title and then sort of go against my initial question.

Thank you for your feedback, though! I genuinely appreciate it, and seeing your explanation for why I shouldn't already have the players know each other somewhat, I sort of understand now that, if anything, I'm removing a good source of natural conflict from the story.
 

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