Roseblood18304
The Seeker of Sun and Moon
Hello, I'm writing up an introduction for an rp that I'm going to be doing but I am not sure if it catches one's attention or not.
Advice/Help Does an introduction capture attention?
- Thread starter Roseblood18304
- Start date
Roseblood18304
The Seeker of Sun and Moon
'As you walk up the large bridge to a gate, you get a feeling that the school is by far the most expensive, impressive, and biggest schools a lot of people know and send their kids to. You've heard of Moriko Academy before in the news and from friends, how jealous they are of those who go to the school. You see the highly stylish and possibly also expensive uniform some students are wearing as you walk past them in normal wear as you had just arrived or came back from vacation.
Whether your a new student or returning, you notice a pair of gates on either side of the entrance building. You also see many other students very hesitant to step beyond the gates but others just walk by like it was nothing, though you do see a couple grimace or grip their uniform as they walk past the gates. You walk past the gates and immediately feel like something was gripping your throat and trying to suffocate you...A hand settles on your back with a soothing touch. You look up to see a man with a friendly smile and face. "First time getting past the veil? Happens to all who pass through it. Be sure to get used to it. Don't want to get sent to the infirmary on the first day now do you?" The man said as he patted your back to send you on your way as he went off to help another student that was in distress about entering past the gates as well.
As you look around the main hall of the school, you see the same man from before. The smiling man and another one, this one with a heavy scowl on his face. He seemed to be angry about something. You can't hear the entire conversation but you catch snippets of the convo..."Are you kidding me?! Why.....This isn't fair to them.....Not me! Why.....Dammit!" "Now now....It's all for safety.....The ruling hasn't changed.....We can't be sure....Because the ruling....Just be glad the school is still here...." With that, the smiling man turned about face and walked away, an unpleasant looking grin on his face as you watch the scowling man grit his teeth and the banister as well. Seems like the conversation didn't go his way and the smiling man was now going to gloat about it.
You walk away from the unpleasant sight/scene with a shiver down your spine. This can't be good....As you make your way to another part of the main hall, you hear people talking and cannot but overhear something about hunters. Most of it was laughter and joking but a few were fearful and scary. From what you know of hunters, they are humans or other supernaturals that hunt down those they can for pleasure or some alternative reason and sell the parts they can from their dead quarry on the supernatural black market. Those parts sell for big bucks for those who want them and there's always a demand. A very recent uptick of supernaturals dying is a recent rumor. You don't know what rumor it is but you get bad vibes when you think on it.
Time passes and the day comes to a close. The entrance ceremony is tomorrow and your giddy with excitement but also filled with other emotions as well. Dread, concern, and trepidation. All of them circle around what you have seen today. Is the smiling man two faced to the scowling man? Is the rumor about recent deaths of other supernaturals leading up to an ancient supernaturals death? Are hunters gathering to cash-in on this rumor to test it out or see if its true? All that remains is to see the morrow....'
This is all for an Academy rp that I wish to do. It’s a group rp.
Whether your a new student or returning, you notice a pair of gates on either side of the entrance building. You also see many other students very hesitant to step beyond the gates but others just walk by like it was nothing, though you do see a couple grimace or grip their uniform as they walk past the gates. You walk past the gates and immediately feel like something was gripping your throat and trying to suffocate you...A hand settles on your back with a soothing touch. You look up to see a man with a friendly smile and face. "First time getting past the veil? Happens to all who pass through it. Be sure to get used to it. Don't want to get sent to the infirmary on the first day now do you?" The man said as he patted your back to send you on your way as he went off to help another student that was in distress about entering past the gates as well.
As you look around the main hall of the school, you see the same man from before. The smiling man and another one, this one with a heavy scowl on his face. He seemed to be angry about something. You can't hear the entire conversation but you catch snippets of the convo..."Are you kidding me?! Why.....This isn't fair to them.....Not me! Why.....Dammit!" "Now now....It's all for safety.....The ruling hasn't changed.....We can't be sure....Because the ruling....Just be glad the school is still here...." With that, the smiling man turned about face and walked away, an unpleasant looking grin on his face as you watch the scowling man grit his teeth and the banister as well. Seems like the conversation didn't go his way and the smiling man was now going to gloat about it.
You walk away from the unpleasant sight/scene with a shiver down your spine. This can't be good....As you make your way to another part of the main hall, you hear people talking and cannot but overhear something about hunters. Most of it was laughter and joking but a few were fearful and scary. From what you know of hunters, they are humans or other supernaturals that hunt down those they can for pleasure or some alternative reason and sell the parts they can from their dead quarry on the supernatural black market. Those parts sell for big bucks for those who want them and there's always a demand. A very recent uptick of supernaturals dying is a recent rumor. You don't know what rumor it is but you get bad vibes when you think on it.
Time passes and the day comes to a close. The entrance ceremony is tomorrow and your giddy with excitement but also filled with other emotions as well. Dread, concern, and trepidation. All of them circle around what you have seen today. Is the smiling man two faced to the scowling man? Is the rumor about recent deaths of other supernaturals leading up to an ancient supernaturals death? Are hunters gathering to cash-in on this rumor to test it out or see if its true? All that remains is to see the morrow....'
This is all for an Academy rp that I wish to do. It’s a group rp.
Last edited:
junnn
★ 爱
usually some people use fancy font for the title to catch some people’s attention. it really does for me. They also use BB coding to present it, making it look fancy but that’s in my opinion. Then they sometimes do a summary or introduction. I think the introduction is pretty catching but that’s my opinion ! 
Steve Jobs
Died of ligma
I like that it takes you through a typical-ish day of the school in the POV of a student and alludes to something sinister.
That being said, I do find the post to be rather wordy and that there are a fair number of run on sentences. I would trim down the post to the most important plot/setting points and do some proofreading (either through a friend, Grammarly, or by yourself, doesn't matter).
In terms of formatting, I would break everything up into smaller paragraphs and put a double space between each because it's a bit hard for me to read in it's current state.
I like the concept over all, I just think it needs a bit of polish
That being said, I do find the post to be rather wordy and that there are a fair number of run on sentences. I would trim down the post to the most important plot/setting points and do some proofreading (either through a friend, Grammarly, or by yourself, doesn't matter).
In terms of formatting, I would break everything up into smaller paragraphs and put a double space between each because it's a bit hard for me to read in it's current state.
I like the concept over all, I just think it needs a bit of polish
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