Story Charmed, A story I wrote.

[Heart]

Flames. They dance about my room, flying around and echoing through the halls. Precious things of mine fade to black, seperating. My hands, my ankles bound. I am struggling, I am fighting, it's useless. I lay in broken glass, charred floor, and fire. So. Much. Fire. I'm about to die. I'm about to cry. But I'm not about to give in. I roll in the painful fire, to my back. My arms are behind me now. Struggling, I lifted my knees and managed to get my arms around myself and no longer behind my back.


"Ropes..." They looked breakable. I bit into them, occationally lifting my back off of the burning wood I lay on. I was only wearing my shorts, my belt of potions and trinkets, and a black tank. I didnt know where my hooded cape and staff were. I felt dizzy and weak as I breathed toxicated air and smoke. I twisted my head back, as though I were slapped across my face, hurting just as much. The ropes finally snapped between my teeth.


I awkwardly rolled around, trying to get up. When I finally did, I bounced to my bed, having my feet bound still. Most of it was free of flame, but I knew where to look. I felt about my bottom layer of sheets and got my pocket knife. I broke apart the ties at my feet. I screamed as flames tickled my legs. I jumped, kind of stomping really, toward the door. My boots stood near the doorway, just a charred nothing. It looked intact besides being licked by fire a few times. I shoved them on, a slight tingle sensation was at my neck. instinctively, I ignored it.


I shouted as I kicked at the door. It was burnt and worn, so the hinges ripped apart. I ran out of the room and quickly looked left and right, looked ahead. There was a window. Finally, something good. I had burns all over me, I was cut from broken glass, I was tired and worn. Smoke was filling my lungs. But I had enough of it.


I knew that Dharc and Hiita had done this. I knew that they were attempting to get rid of me so I would be out of the Magyk Competition. My life had been put at risk and I was almost out of reach, but I inhaled fresh, clean air. It was like drinking water after working out for a long time, or laying down after having done all of your chores. It was a lovely feeling, even with a piercing pain in every corner of my body. But it ended too quickly. The open window was framed in a beautiful art of reds and oranges. Unfortunatly, this was not a time to admire nature's work.


Or in this case, the work of a Fire Charmer.


My bestfriends have betrayed me for the Magyk Competition, something they'd known I would win. Eroi, Dharc, Hiita, Aussa, Wynn, Lyna, and Krysa, the Charmers have almost all lost control.

 

[Estillum]

I enjoyed it.

 

[Heart]

thanks but some people dont like it, im convinced its bad.

 

[Heartsteal]

If you were to establish your character and setting a little more, you may find some improvement. The story time thread here in the creative corner was made to post up short stories here too, so you can feel free to post more there any time you want to.


Don't think too negatively of your work, it certainly shows potential. At least you wrote it down; it's the best way to improve.

 

[Heart]

"potential" wasnt the word I was hoping for...


--- Merged Double Post ---


... that kind of hurt actually ...

 

[Heartsteal]

You know, now I'm just not sure what to say. If you're going to talk yourself down, why look for praise? Sorry, but I'm just giving an honest critique.


You did display excellent visualization, but you were lacking in exposition, and actual depth. Given context, this could be a rather nice scene in a novel with only minor edits. In a short story, you need to drop this context pretty quickly or the character is hard to relate with, it's just a sudden action with little reason.


I made similar mistakes in my most recent short in the story time thread.


Antagonizing wasn't my intention, so if you're not interested in my advice, I can stop.

 

[Heart]

It's just suppost to keep the reader wanting more... I tried to keep from adding any personal details about the character so they dont know which of the charmers is the one in this fragment.


Sorry but I was seriously hurt by someone's comment. I just dont feel like a good enough writer anymore, maybe thats why I was lagging in this story fragment. I'll try better next time i guess.

 

[Estillum]

Criticism is essential to successes, if everyone told you your work was flawless you'd never grow as a writer. As callous as that may sound, it's the truth.

 

[Hatchet]

I work from a perspective of realism, though I do recognize there's an element of magic involved. This is not comprehensive.


Semi-colons are your friend and there are places that they would work to your advantage. “I am struggling, I am fighting; it's useless.”





"So. Much. Fire.” This sort of emphasis works in dialogue or conversation, less so with internal monologue.


“I roll in the painful fire, to my back.” Rolling in fire is not only incredibly painful but debilitating and will permanently kill your nerve endings and create lifelong scarring.


If you’re in a room that’s burning all around you, chewing through your ropes is a fatal waste of time. Since you’re already in the flames burning them off would work just as well. If the floor is burning you’ll have fallen through. If the roof is burning it’ll have caved in.


Toxicated is not a word; toxic is what you what, but poisonous is just as effective.


Flames do not tickle. They really don’t.


“My boots stood near the doorway, just a charred nothing.” I assume here you mean the door is charred to nothing, but later on you have her kicking it down. Which is it? If the door is still solid by kicking the door down you’re introducing oxygen to the flames, which will make it explode out


I assume the whole building would be burning if the room is so cheerfully destroyed


“instinctively, I ignored it.” Capitalize.


“There was a window. Finally, something good. I had burns all over me, I was cut from broken glass, I was tired and worn. Smoke was filling my lungs. But I had enough of it.” I assume that means she escaped out the window, but you don’t really go into it. Is it a ground level window? Does she jump? Is she just hanging out of it for air?


The rest of it is fragmented references to what I assume is the rest of the story; in my opinion dropping a cast list at that point is an unnecessary infodump.

 

[Heart]

do you not get that I write as Inferritive? Like how I said "the flames tickled my legs" I was refering to the way fire would move.


"I roll in the painful fire" this is fantasy, a magic theme, they can do things people cant normally do. (AKA, dont try this at home)


"Bit into the ropes" I dont suppose holding your hands in fire would feel too good, even IF she is a Charmer (wizard).


"There was a window, finally something good" I added soon after that, "..I breathed in fresh air.." "..the open window was framed.." explaining what she was doing.


As for the mistakes, this is my first draft, its not like I did my usual twice-over of spelling mistakes and grammer issues.


I hope that takes care of that. And If not, at this point I simply thank you.

 

[Heartsteal]

Right now, you just seem to be arguing further, defending your work little Heart.


This is the time to nod, smile, and read your work backwards.


If you released a product, you'd have no way to explain something to readers beyond what's written, so when people have criticism like this, just read it again, and find a way to answer as many questions as you can without telling them directly.


Brutal honesty is the best route at the moment, so I'll apologize in advance for any misunderstandings.