Character Critique Thread

welian

welian

#BlackLivesMatter
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This thread is for critiquing new character apps that have been posted in the Profile subforum. When you’ve posted a new character for critique, please link your new thread here. Everyone else in the roleplay is invited to discuss, critique, and ask questions about your app.


When your character has been officially approved, a GM will post a “APPROVED” stamp in the thread.
 
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@Gus


Yo~ Which one are you wanting to be reviewed more at the moment? Per the rules of character creation (over in the mess that is now Character Thread V1), ya gotta post five times for a character you submitted before you can get another one in.


I know the literal wording says second character, but from what I understand, it applies to all characters you create after your first.
 
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Suzuki Mine said:
@Gus


Yo~ Which one are you wanting to be reviewed more at the moment? Per the rules of character creation (over in the mess that is now Character Thread V1), ya gotta post five times for a character you submitted before you can get another one in.


I know the literal wording says second character, but from what I understand, it applies to all characters you create after your first.
Click to expand...

Approve one, I bet I can post five times before RPN can load the other link. ;)


Edit: Lars is the one I am mainly hoping to get added; I actually have a couple of things I'd like to squeak into 2.5 for him. At best, Manami would show up on school's doorstep with her parents seeking asylum after 3.0 is well underway. She may well have issues getting approved anyway, being a D rank bioweapon. Just want to get thoughts thinked and feedbacks fed.
 
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Right. So. Critiques! On with them!


Tomoko. Two words: Kwaii zo!  I, personally, would like to see more of the nicknames for students and staff. (I realize there is no place for that on the CS, I just want to see that…) 


Minor edit: you put 9 into Will instead of Intelligence, which I presume is a slip of the mouse.  On that topic, wanted to make sure you knew that all ranks get one additional point to account for the energy stat (So E max points is now 12, D 15, C 18, B 21, A 24, S 27)   Also, given that she is so stubborn, I would put the extra points into Will rather than Energy. My understanding of the new stat is the ability to project or externalize some kind of mystical or other pseudoscientific internal energy, like shooting lasers or flames or lightning bolts from body. So unless her screams can bowl over grown men or something, 1 will probably do for that.


Lastly, super minor edit: maybe bold the name of the supporting power, and remove the [supporting power a] text?


Generally, very happy for the prospect of working with Tomoko. 


Up next: Nike!
 
Nike Deschain


Easygoing seems at odds with Dynamic. I see where the descriptions fit, but maybe a different keyword? Carefree, tolerant, self possessed, unflappable, flexible, adaptable, open-minded, broad-minded, supple, or even, and this is a stretch (ha!) willowy.


Likewise, moralistic, to me, has connotation of being more 'sitting in judgement'  with a pejorative sense of looking down on inferior behavior. What you describe seems more like a strong sense of fair play combined with a respect for life, so maybe Code of honor, honorable, fair-play, or chivalrous?


Strong soul might need a little bit more explanation? Not the concept, mind you, I get that, just in terms of what it can do?  I am sort of picturing green lantern here, except the energy comes from you rather than a ring.  That doesn't seem to pop up until the weakness section thought where it says you can make a barrier as long as you are touching it.  So maybe put something like "Ability to manifest and maintain virtually any physical shape from pure energy as long as she is in contact with it."


Over-all, very cool and well thought out!  Looking forward to meeting her!
 
Ophelia.


First of all, great name. Should definitely add supporting power to breathe under water. Just gotta. Because:


A.) Ophelia was Hamlet's girlfriend and drowned herself for lack of access to abortion. So let's head THAT off at the pass.


B.) Manami needs friends. Especially friends who can join her on underwater adventures and keep her focused and remind her to come home again


C.) Because, c'mon! Tentacles! Who has tentacles that doesn't live under water at least part time. 


Name of condition: How about polydactentilium? Or Hyperdactentillium?


Polydactyl and Hyperdactyl are when cats have extra toes, and tentillium is the lattn for little tentacles.  Good placeholder until somebody with more latin chops than me comes up with something better?


Abilities need to come down to 15 total to stay D rank.  I'd suggest something like 2 4 2 4 1 1 1 or maybe 2 5 2 3 1 1 1  (Tentacles are strong!) Maybe a good weakness though would be no punching and limited lifting?  Maybe in exchange for increased gripping squeezing and flinging?


Other personality trait possibilities: Shy, sensitive, angry, bitter, devious, murderous, kind hearted, promiscuous, straight edge, humorless, hilarious, witty, emo, goth, whatever the heck the opposite of goth is, ironically goth, musical prodigy (except on strings) 


I'm out!


Did I mention Ophelia is perfect name?  I want her to find Manami washed up on shore now while Ophelia goes for walk before classes start.
 
@too much idea


In regards to Tomoko - aside from me personally feeling super sketch about a character being so young both with how the roleplay is, and with them having such a high placement in the R&D Division - I do gotta point out that Commonwealth isn't a global presence. They deal with the US and the US only, and other countries more than likely have their own systems (or not, I ain't gonna pretend I know their lives). As such, unless Japan was like "Hey, yo, wanna poke at our child genius?" and Commonwealth was like "Lulz why not?", I can't exactly see any reason why Commonwealth would go out of their way to bring a child from another country into their system. D;


I'd say go totes hit @Gus up, 'cause he totes has a character from Japan he's wanting to get in on the action as well, and you two could probs figure out the state of Japan in that regard, but Manami isn't quite in the right position to be accepted just yet, so I dunno.


[isn't very helpful]
 
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Maybe Japan in this world is banned from developing supers due to constitutional concerns about self defense forces vs potentially aggressive military? That is why I had stingray developed in a secret lab.  Perhaps there are no facilities for super education in Japan, leaving average supers to fend for themselves, while wealthy families send their children stateside for training?


(I can say that while I was teaching in Japan in the 90s there was an enormous pressure to mainstream children with special needs. Being placed in a special education program was shameful and avoided at all costs. Only one of the schools I taught in even HAD a special ed teacher, and most kids who needed such a program were out of luck and had to be satisfied with sitting at the back of the classroom, ignored by students and teacher alike.)
 
Also, it might be worth noting that something like 70 percent of the students at 108 are international.


(That statistic may indeed have been pulled directly from a figurative event horizon, but I stand by the fact that our international presence is significantly more than zero.)
 
They may be international in heritage, but they all have been living State-side as far as I'm aware, and as such fall under Commonwealth's laws without them reaching to other countries for them.


There's totes a difference in living in the melting pot that is the US and being pulled from another country entirely.
 
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Sure. But I also knew a number of wealthy families that were adamant their kids go to college stateside. Which effectively she is doing, just at an impossibly early age.


All I am saying is that it is not high on the list of impossible things I have had to believe before breakfast so far today. :)
 
In her bio it says that Commonwealth reached out to her, not that her parents reached out to Commonwealth.


That's the part I'm having issues with.
 
@too much idea I too, have issues with parts of Tomoko's backstory due to Commonwealth not being an international organization and finding it implausible that a young child would be given so much responsibility. However, those are details that can be revised without impacting her character much. Maybe up that age by a year or two, and then write her as having recently immigrated to the USA with her family? I also just got home so excuse any misunderstandings, I still need to catch up on things. <3
 
I agree with Welian's statement of her being too young.


Pretty sure Child Protection Services and all that would flip their utter shit at having a Seven-Year-old who still maintains the psyche of a child working full-time for the Common Wealth in such a high up position. 


Jordan's a genius as well of probably equal or higher level but he's not being taken into AEGIS as a Head Level Scientist or whatever. That and I do think she'd actually have to work with them before attaining such a position...Being the Head of an entire Department is a LOT more than simply being a Tech Genius and all. 


I'd personally suggest either she was born in Japan but her family moved very early in her life or her parents are Japanese Immigrants who've made America their home.


I also feel like Japan wouldn't simply give her away because the C.W, who aren't an international organisation, thought she'd be a good fit for working with the Commonwealth.


Another thing as well, not sure If this was thought of whilst making the character, but Japan have amazingly strict Citizenship laws and everything.


If she were to be integrated fully into the Commonwealth and everything, I don't think she'd be allowed a Duel Citizenship, given that the Japanese government don't recognise such a thing. She'd basically be forced into permanently moving into America and becoming a Citizen or remaining in Japan and being a Japanese Citizen. She wouldn't have to choose If her parents and family are with her but It seems she isn't. Which reaffirms my and other's suggestions of tweaking that bit slightly. 


@too much idea
 
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I really like Hamaki and the concept, though I do have a moderate issue with one thing.


I feel like no LEGAL Japanese organisation would even attempt to delve into such dodgy Super Experimentation given their horrific past.


I don't know the Universe as I'm not Welian, but I'm 100% sure, America would have placed HEAVY Scientific restrictions in regards to Supers when they demilitarised Japan and everything. 


Her literal existence being revealed would bring all sorts of shit onto Japan. Human rights activists and all that would flip their shit world-wide. 


The Japanese government probably wouldn't endorse it either, given the strict culture of Saving face and looking the best whilst also maintaining utter discipline. Even mere rumours of them doing such a thing would probably make most of the Japanese governmental officials be forced to resign and move away to a distant Island so they can be swept under the rug along with their WW2 crimes.


Hooowweevveerr...


I personally feel like It would not only be more believable but cooler, to change the experimenters from SDF to a Japanese terrorist organisation who have deep roots with Japanese Imperialism. Basically, the Japanese equivalent of Neo-Nazi's. 


It would also make a bit more sense, given that the Japanese SDF wouldn't have much use out of a Biological weapon given they aren't officially allowed to be used as a traditional Military. An Illegal and illicit Terrorist organisation, though? 


Definitely.


@Gus
 
St Indigo said:
I really like Hamaki and the concept, though I do have a moderate issue with one thing.


I feel like no LEGAL Japanese organisation would even attempt to delve into such dodgy Super Experimentation given their horrific past.


I don't know the Universe as I'm not Welian, but I'm 100% sure, America would have placed HEAVY Scientific restrictions in regards to Supers when they demilitarised Japan and everything. 


Her literal existence being revealed would bring all sorts of shit onto Japan. Human rights activists and all that would flip their shit world-wide. 


The Japanese government probably wouldn't endorse it either, given the strict culture of Saving face and looking the best whilst also maintaining utter discipline. Even mere rumours of them doing such a thing would probably make most of the Japanese governmental officials be forced to resign and move away to a distant Island so they can be swept under the rug along with their WW2 crimes.


Hooowweevveerr...


I personally feel like It would not only be more believable but cooler, to change the experimenters from SDF to a Japanese terrorist organisation who have deep roots with Japanese Imperialism. Basically, the Japanese equivalent of Neo-Nazi's. 


It would also make a bit more sense, given that the Japanese SDF wouldn't have much use out of a Biological weapon given they aren't officially allowed to be used as a traditional Military. An Illegal and illicit Terrorist organisation, though? 


Definitely.


@Gus
Click to expand...

Beautiful. Excellent points, all around. Will make necessary changes to bio in the morning.
 
@Gus @welian @St Indigo @Suzuki Mine


Thank you for all the input guys!


I will make her older a bit, 9/10 years old.


And about how she ended up in Facility 108, what about the Japanese government 'lending' her to the US Government?


So instead of the head of R&D she's there as 'exchange student' who 'will be studying with the R&D department'? And they put her in 108 because it's too risky to put her in bigger cities?
 
Does anybody have any thoughts on Lars?  Anything should be fixed or tweaked? I'm a go work on some prompts from last week.
 
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