BYOC (Bring Your Own Coffee) - Now With More Coffee!

[Sunbather]

(totally forgot to vote, there we go - Not that it changed the leader. )


I really like that, Grey. I feel it's... Okay, so I know very little about the technicality, so I might be wrong, but this feels weaker on a technical level and all, but I very much like how it walks the thin line of maintaing a sense of longing and delicate emotion while feeling mundane enough to b accessible. It feels raw and real, and I really like that.


Here's mine. Whereas last time I went with spoken words in mind, I tried (emphasis on tried) to make a more proper poem this time around, though I think I failed miserably. It does rhyme nicely though, at least. xD


Catalan Boy


Often we don't live life, we just spectate from behind our walls of glass


You ignored the stones that it smashed, and when I begged for your approval you broke my chest


Then you crushed my brittle spine too as I sprawled underneath


Asked you to keep making the world around us grow sharp teeth


Your touch like a dog dug into a sanguine beach, surrounded by a moat


Taste the colors of our home, free like a dove


'til the vultures came squeezing, out through my throat


Now you can hear the violins crying, they're the sound of my love


The rats in my cellar, I know what they are, with wondrous stars I'm the ghost in a jar


Your selfishness escapes me whenever I'm hazy, pleadin for perfection away oh so far


The last three had the audiacity to call it crazy, but I've been on this train, see


Hear occeans and rivers sing with your voice, but it just rains into the dead sea


Catalan boy, just keep swallowing all that is bright


Please keep me in your kingdom for when I go home I become ungentle and unkind


Now I'm alone by myself instead of in his wake.


Now I am afraid of myself instead of someone else


A stranger in your world, you saved me from the flood


Just weeks later and - again - you're covered in my blood


Drunk on fire, my desire's burnin' like a common night


Funeral pyre emits light for extraordinary lives


We all have our chains, binding to invalidation of the mind


My darkness long accepted, I'm always just a toy, blind


Forfeit my sight for a moment whenever you attack


If my heart could die it would to get away from you and...


If it could cry it would cry for you to come back

 

[Grey]

Thank you, 'bather. That's pretty much where I was going, working with limited tools.


I've actually edited it a small bit now.


Your one is interesting - a lot of intriguing images, some quite powerful, and the rhythm is nice. Feels more like a song than anything - the metaphors are quite opaque and some of the words don't make a lot of sense in their context. I can extract the narrative, sort of, but a lot of it just sounds pretty.

 

[Semblance]

So poetry is definitely not something I do often, but I'm glad I stumbled upon this thread, bc I'm prepared to go beyond my comfort zone and receive some much needed criticism/feedback. I loved reading all of your pieces by the way, and I feel very inexperienced in comparison, bc you all should just become poets right now. Alright well here goes nothing-

With Tired Eyes, Tired Minds, Tired Souls


Separated by


Hundreds of miles,


Divided by


Three time zones,


Brought together by


A single screen,


His shattered heart pierced through the glass


With tired Eyes.


How could you-


I never thought-


Why did you-


Who are you?


Who am I?


No longer caressed;


Replaced by daggers;


Guarded by soldiers.


The gates slam shut


One last time


With tired Minds.


Who is that?


Eyes gaze back


In a starry pain.


Not the night stars,


But the dizzying, blinding stars


While rising briskly.


Words that burned,


Tears that fought,


Looks that scorned


With tired Souls.


Caught between


Heart and Reason,


We breathed


A final parting.


And with tired Eyes, tired Minds, tired Souls, we Slept.
​

 

[Grey]

The tone rises slowly,


with it gently rises his soul.


Then, along with melancholy,


the wretched painfully falls...


Forever stuck in the middle,


it spends eternity whole.


Between the dead and the living,


A soul ascends.....


only to descend once more.

It's short, which makes it hard to talk about primarily because you don't do enough with the words you have. I think I see what you're aiming for, so a more disciplined metre and a bit more context would really help. I get how it is when you want to evoke a mood, though.


You should consider meta-textual references! Sometimes intentionally using a line from another source to establish the idea of a dialogue can have a dramatic impact on a piece of writing - my favourite example is the way The Wasteland drops direct and oblique references to The Tempest more or less throughout.

With Tired Eyes, Tired Minds, Tired Souls


Separated by


Hundreds of miles,


Divided by


Three time zones,


Brought together by


A single screen,


His shattered heart pierced through the glass


With tired Eyes.


How could you-


I never thought-


Why did you-


Who are you?


Who am I?


No longer caressed;


Replaced by daggers;


Guarded by soldiers.


The gates slam shut


One last time


With tired Minds.


Who is that?


Eyes gaze back


In a starry pain.


Not the night stars,


But the dizzying, blinding stars


While rising briskly.


Words that burned,


Tears that fought,


Looks that scorned


With tired Souls.


Caught between


Heart and Reason,


We breathed


A final parting.


And with tired Eyes, tired Minds, tired Souls, we Slept.
​

Welcome to the group!


Alright, so I see what you're doing conceptually and of course I like it, but structurally it's working against itself. The stanzas are inconsistent, and I don't really see a coherent metre and some word choices are a little poor. I do quite like the last stanza, though.


Keep it up, keep reading, keep practicing!


On which note, I think it's about time this was linked here: Tutorial - Between the Words - A Poetry Tutorial

 

[Aur0ra]

It's short, which makes it hard to talk about primarily because you don't do enough with the words you have. I think I see what you're aiming for, so a more disciplined metre and a bit more context would really help. I get how it is when you want to evoke a mood, though.
You should consider meta-textual references! Sometimes intentionally using a line from another source to establish the idea of a dialogue can have a dramatic impact on a piece of writing - my favourite example is the way The Wasteland drops direct and oblique references to The Tempest more or less throughout.

thanks Grey, i'll look 'the westland' right away, and will look up meta textual references. The reason why i made the poem that short is because the theme was 'feather weight' and i didn't want it to become too long

 

[Grey]

Here, it's one of my favourite poems: Eliot, T. S. 1922. The Waste Land


I can understand wanting to keep it short for the theme, but remember the shorter it is, the more carefully you have to choose every word.

 

[Semblance]

It's short, which makes it hard to talk about primarily because you don't do enough with the words you have. I think I see what you're aiming for, so a more disciplined metre and a bit more context would really help. I get how it is when you want to evoke a mood, though.
You should consider meta-textual references! Sometimes intentionally using a line from another source to establish the idea of a dialogue can have a dramatic impact on a piece of writing - my favourite example is the way The Wasteland drops direct and oblique references to The Tempest more or less throughout.


Welcome to the group!


Alright, so I see what you're doing conceptually and of course I like it, but structurally it's working against itself. The stanzas are inconsistent, and I don't really see a coherent metre and some word choices are a little poor. I do quite like the last stanza, though.


Keep it up, keep reading, keep practicing!


On which note, I think it's about time this was linked here: Tutorial - Between the Words - A Poetry Tutorial

Ah thanks for the pointers! This tutorial is actually really helpful


Hopefully one day I'll be as well-versed as you seem to be ahaha

 

[Grey]

Ah thanks for the pointers! This tutorial is actually really helpful
Hopefully one day I'll be as well-versed as you seem to be ahaha

I'm just a dabbler, really. Studied English Lit., scrawl a poem every so often, and spend the rest of the time writing. You work at it and you - and everyone here - can be doing better inside five years.

 

[Semblance]

I'm just a dabbler, really. Studied English Lit., scrawl a poem every so often, and spend the rest of the time writing. You work at it and you - and everyone here - can be doing better inside five years.

Ahaha hopefully, although I do have to admit that prose is definitely more my style


Thanks for the encouragement nonetheless!

 

[simj26]

Week is almost over.


I'll drop one anyway. I assume the theme is still Featherweight. Have a haiku.


Soul, light as feather


Lifted by wind of her words


Damned to fall in rain.

 

[Ozmic]

Something short for Monday morning while I fight to wake up.

Cold

The morning air was bitter and dry.


It caught in the throat at every breath and tried to tug it away; raked at exposed flesh, crippling each movement with a slow, burning frost.


The thing in gray suit basked in the cold as it walked onto the icy pond. Muffled giggles could be heard around and above, echoing faintly in the dim and wavering light.


"Any second now," it croaked and cooed, voice hissing out and seeming to freeze in the crisp air.


It leaned down and slid spindly fingers over the thin, wet ice, beginning to murmur to itself in giddy anticipation.


Crack.


A small splinter in the ice below and a surprised, echoing shriek.


Crick. POP!


A small foot, clad in a tiny ice skate broke up through the ice, right into the creature's waiting grip. Screams and sobs broke through the quiet of the dark pond for a moment, but when the gray suited thing pulled, everything was much quieter. The muffled echoes of panic continued, but the wee form in his hands was still and frozen.


Gasping for air.


The thing made an expression that was almost a smile and started away from the pond with its meal.

 

[Tronethiel]

What a bum I've been, I'll definitely get something up this week. It looks like some great stuff went up, so I applaud everyone who contributed. Keep at it!

 

[Grey]

Damn, Sim. That's functionally immune to criticism.


Grin - I am now pulling my hair out because I didn't think of that first. Much as I love brevity you could get away with drawing that out a bit more, and I think you're... hrm, under-committed to some of the images, if that makes sense? Still, I enjoyed it. 8/10 would steal for a game.

 

[Ozmic]

Grin - I am now pulling my hair out because I didn't think of that first. Much as I love brevity you could get away with drawing that out a bit more, and I think you're... hrm, under-committed to some of the images, if that makes sense? Still, I enjoyed it. 8/10 would steal for a game.

Thanks! And yeah, it might be something I work on a bit more later and expand upon. I agree that it's... well, it's sort've 'cut off' feeling. Like there should be a bit more.


I was just freezing my ass off this morning and the idea came to me. One of those 'stop what you're doing a jot this down, idiot' sort've feelings. Hah!


EDIT: Also, feel free to totally steal 'Winter' for RP things if need be. Bwahaha. I've got the idea of the creature down in my head if you'd like more details.

 

[Aur0ra]

Before we wrap up the week, I've been introduced to a new form of poetry called a Senryu which is a human Haiku. so i figured i'd try

Blood spills gently

crimson roses so neatly lay

a shot in his head​

 

[Dusky]

I'm really sorry for being late with this turnover and skipping the last one, guys. I swear I'm trying. (>.<)


Critic of the Week: @Mr. Grin[/td]@Aur0ra@Grey@Sunbather@Semblance@simj22[/tr]


Judgement || ColdUntitled (Lacrimosa) || Untitled (Senryu)It Was The Romance That Doomed UsCatalan BoyWith Tired Eyes, Tired Minds, Tired SoulsUntitled[/table][/center]


Poll here.

All responses were deleted at 6:30 PM EST today.

​

This week's theme: Magnetic.

 

[PopcornandCaramel]

Can we post something once a week or does it have to be on Saturdays? I work on Saturdays so it wouldn't be ideal for me. I really want in on this especially since I just bought s new prompts book.

 

[Dusky]

Any day of the week!

 

[PopcornandCaramel]

So I wish I saw this thread before I posted this, so I'm just going to copy the link here for you all to read. I'd really like some feedback.


Other - Ignoring the voices is no longer a possibility.

 

[simj26]

@Aur0ra


Very nice, very nice form.


The only criticism I can give for it is that a senryu mostly doesn't cover the human body or parts, and I assume (perhaps wrongly) that that is what you are trying to convey with. When a Senryu is described as "human haiku", it actually refers to the behaviour and foibles of human nature, and are usually funny, cynical, and/or darkly humorous. Most of them are recounts or experiences as well, and do not have actual thematic weather/season words that a normal haiku possesses. A haiku tends to be more serious and dramatic, while a senryu sort of plops the meaning and the story in your lap.

 

[Aur0ra]

@Aur0ra
Very nice, very nice form.


The only criticism I can give for it is that a senryu mostly doesn't cover the human body or parts, and I assume (perhaps wrongly) that that is what you are trying to convey with. When a Senryu is described as "human haiku", it actually refers to the behaviour and foibles of human nature, and are usually funny, cynical, and/or darkly humorous. Most of them are recounts or experiences as well, and do not have actual thematic weather/season words that a normal haiku possesses. A haiku tends to be more serious and dramatic, while a senryu sort of plops the meaning and the story in your lap.

Well right but not exactly, i thought that Senryu represented everything a haiku didn't, like human behaviors, experiences, even things that humans don't interact with which don't connect to nature. I didn't think it was about body parts, though putting the things i've just said into consideration, then yeah i think i did include 'human body parts' in my field of expectation to what a senryu was ,if we say that it's everything a haiku isn't.


the thing which i didn't know though, was that a senryu is cynical, darkly humorous or funny, from this perspective it's kind of the opposite of a haiku which to me is melancholic most of the time. Knowing this is going to help me create a better senryu possibly cynical in the future.


Thanks for the feedback Sim

 

[Ozmic]

So I wish I saw this thread before I posted this, so I'm just going to copy the link here for you all to read. I'd really like some feedback.
Other - Ignoring the voices is no longer a possibility.

It's not a bad idea for a story, altogether, but it seems very disjointed and busted up - seeming like a small glimpse into what might be something larger, or small parts of a full narrative.


The quickly shifting tenses throws me off badly. Switching mid-sentence from past to present tense is very confusing to the reader. Simple fix, but it can make all the difference.


The ending is very abrupt as well, though explained in the post that this was just an idea you were working on cooking up. I say, flesh it out a bit more, fix some of the tenses and clean up a bit of the conversation and presentation and you should be on your way to something groovy.


By 'clean up' the conversation and presentation, I mean something like adding some more returns between back and forth dialog. It can break it up and make things seem less jumbled around for the reader's eye.

 

[PopcornandCaramel]

Thanks a bunch

 

[Grey]

Yeah, I'm with Grin. It's a reasonable seed, but it needs more work and time before there'll reasonably be useful criticism I can make.

 

[simj26]

have a limerick.


There once was a pretty woman from the Baltic (sea)


Who was known to be quite magnetic (you see),


When asked how she drew in forks and knives to her table (for afternoon tea)


She simply answered quietly that she was able (here's the key)


Because they came with the men energetic (tee hee hee)