Story Blind

Heart

BLACKJACK!
Blind ~ 1


Rose petals drifted in the breeze, everything calm and quiet as Princess Mona Bloom walked by, her gown of pure white glistened in the sunlight. Petals fell from the rose bunch she held and her caramel-colored hair bounced along with every step she took. The guests stood and watched her walk toward Prince Abel Nesing. I gazed in awe as my older brother gazed into Mona's sparkling eyes that seemed to dance, she seemed so elegant and peaceful. The Justice of the Peace spoke, but I didn't listen. I was too busy looking into the crowd of people sitting politely and watching. I stood still, holding up a white rose for what seemed like forever. Tuning out the priest, I lowered my gaze at Jessamine sitting in the crowd, willing her to glance at me. After a little while, she finally did.


"Meet me in the garden after the dinner," I mouthed to her. She lowered her head, gazed up at me and slowly winked her left eye, making her dark eye shadow stand out. It was a gesture she used to let me know she understood.


I suppose the ceremony was over, because Abel and Mona were inching away from each other while the crowd clapped and cheered. There was quite a few of them, so many that the sound hurt my ears though I didn't dare cover them. As the bride and groom made their way down the isle, I rolled back my shoulders, stuck up my chin and smiled as the other bridesmaids and I followd them. I raised my hand to chin level and dropped the rose onto Jessamine's lap. I'm not sure why I did that, actually. It just seemed right to do so. The party walked into the castle, just a few yards away from the spot of the wedding.


Once inside, everyone was either talking, drinking or dancing to the classy music being played. My mother placed a floral circulet atop my black, silky curls, as well as the other two bridesmaids, probably in relation to Princess Mona. A few people stopped me to say their greetings or talk for abit but I was in somewhat of a hurry. Jessamine was talking to Princess Mona's cousin Marcus, and Mother was sitting with my grandmother, looking down on her gown and pinching the fabric. After a long time of searching for Mona, I managed to spot her from across the room, holding a glass in her gloved hand and chatting with my Father.


"Congradulations, Princess Mona." I curtsied as I greeted my sister-in-law. Her hair had not fallen flat or frizzed, her eyes did not redden and her dress did not loose it's flow after she had woken up so early and gotten ready quite a long time ago. She was a natural beauty, I decided. I waited for her to curtsy back but she did not. She couldn't take her eyes off of Abel, and I mustn't take offence to such a thing.


Abel thanked me for her, and continued on with his conversation with father. I did not want to miss this, but I also didn't want them to believe I was eavesdropping, so I sat in a chair from not too great a distance and casually listened in.


"Son, I'm mighty proud of you..." It was hard to hear so I moved a few chairs over. I tucked my legs underneath the chair and placed my folded hands in my lap. "...to take the throne in my place now," He let out a hearty laugh. "I'm getting too old!"


I glanced at my brother. His forehead was creased as if he were trying to understand an algebra problem that has him beat. "Father, Mona and I have talked about this-" He glanced at the blushing bride. "-and we don't want to take the throne."


King Roland held his breath. I turned my head towards him, my hair bounced over my shoulder. His face was reddening, and I slowly inched backward and made a face of terror. My heartbeat quickened as he opened his mouth and-


"YOU WHAAAAT?!" Father bursted, his face was beet red and the veins in his hands bulged as he clenched his fists. Everyone turned and stared as the King started shouting and scolding the Prince as though he were much younger than twenty-three. My mother rushed over and placed a hand on his shoulder. I backed away from his spouting and realised it was time for dinner. I could not miss the time I planned for Jessamine and I, so I decided to leave.


Ignoring the havoc behind me, I gallently walked over to a table, plucked an apple from the basket of fruit ment for the royal family and walked out of the castle, staring upward at the giant menacing gates and it must have been night by now, because I then looked at the stars. The moon shone brightly and full, the stars just a frame to it's glowing greatness. As I entered my rose garden, I quickly scanned the broad area for a place to lie down. I chose right near the upper middle, so I can see more stars and constellations oncovered by the tall trees not too far away from the castle. I was so intent on looking for the Leo sign, that I did not notice my little sister, hobbling over to see me.


"Sherlotta!" Marion called, stomping her feet into the grassy field around my roses to come and see me. I stood, waiting for her to jump into my arms. The little four year old cuddled into my embrace, her blonde hair standing out against my black-as-night Italian black curls. I must not be fully Italian, because my skin was pale and bright instead of ivory colored like my sister. She had my magenta colored eyes though, so I saw her as a little version of myself. Maybe that's why I always considered her as my favorite family member. "Sherlotta! Jessamine is coming!" She said in a sing-songy voice.


I smiled at her and set her down. I walked over to a flower frame and plucked a white rose that looked pink, and gave it to Marion. She giggles and held it carfully, picking off all of the thorns. She did that because she didn't like that such a beautiful thing had such a dark flaw, and mercifully helps the flower beautify. Footsteps could be heard in the distance.


"Jessamine?" I called out, hoping for an answer. I waited for something that wouldn't come. Marion held up her acomplishment like a gold medallion, the rose was spike free.


"Hmm?" Marion said, obviously hearing more footsteps than I did. They sounded like clanking, really. Like armour, almost. I held her tightly in my arms, knowing that whatever that sound is, it's not Jessamine. I could barely see anything in the darkness of the night, but there were people approaching the castle, wearing dark armour and holding what looked like spears. Marion whined but my grip did not loosen, I backed away behind a flower frame and let my hair fall into my face. With one hand I felt on my head, but my Mother's floral circulet was gone.


"Don't say a word." I whispered, barely loud enough for her to hear. She got the message and bit her lip.


I watched from behind the blood red roses as dark knights marched closer and closer to the castle. I held my breath, then exhaled slowly. I felt Marion shaking, from either cold or fright, and I lowered my head closer to her. Screaming erupted from inside at the party, they probably see the knights by now. I backed away slowly, towards the back of the garden, towards a fence door to get out. Everything was going to be oka-


"Theres someone in the garden!" Someone shouted through a helmet.


Several knights rushed toward my sister and I, destroying patches of roses under their hefty metal armour. I shrieked and sprinted out the fence door as Marion cried in my arms. Looking over my shoulder, I see bows and arrows being prepared as they run, one knight on horseback and catching up very quickly. I made a quick and abrupt turn around a tree, looking behind me as the horse slid a bit, digging up dirt with it's hooves and galloping in my direction yet again. My white dress tore from loose branches and roots grown out of the ground, yet Marion was untouched, gripping the thornless rose tightly. I made another sharp turn, this time I had to jump to the side in time so the horse would run ahead of me. Why arn't they shooting arrows? I thought. Or am I not noticing this?


I could hear definate shouting of orders to catch up to me, but the horse wasn't in sight. He might have gone the wrong direction, but I doubt that he would-


The horse jumped in front of me, the knight on top holding his arrow in position to shoot. To the right of me was a tree, I obviously couldn't climb that in time, and to the left was a river, singing quietly. The arrow was shot, I turned and jumped back behind the tree, the arrow so close to my face that I could see where the arrowhead was tied to the wood, and ran off in another direction. I had no idea where I was going, I was in the middle of a dark and endless forest.


The horseback rider was no where in sight by the time I stopped to catch my breath, my hands shaking and my body sweating. I listened to my panting breath, the only sound I could hear besides Marion's crying. I held her closely and sat on the prickly fallen leaves and branches, running my hand along her short hair. I couldn't really bear to think that I held her for so long, she may be young but I wasn't exactly strong. I looked a Marion, who had a look of horror on her face.


"Marion don't be scared," I tried to soothe her. She looks like she just witnessed a murder, which she almost did. "Everything is okay." I was lying through my teeth but anything to stop her shaking with fear. Or was it from the cold?


I looked at her rose. It was hard to see in the dark, but I knew it was red. "Marion, wasn't this rose pink before?"


Marion shook out of my arms onto the dirt and hugged her knees. She still looked mortified as she nodded.


"Marion, are you hurt? Are you bleeding?" I couldn't find a possible explaination otherwise. She shook her head and I eased up a bit. "Then why is it red? Did you pick a new rose?"


She raised her arm off of her knee, and unable to speak, she pointed her shaking hand at me. I stood up enough to come at her eye level. "I need you to talk, sweetie. What happened to your rose?"


Marion stared at her shoes. I tilted my head for about a second and glanced at the rose again. This time, a drop fell on to it. It wasn't raining, this was red. I blinked, raised my hand to my face and lowered it, it was covered in blood. My eyes widened. I wiped it off on my already ruined dress and dropped the rose. Marion held out her arms as I stood up all the way, and I carried her with what little strength I had left. The wind picked up, it whispered around us and twisted up to the trees. My hair flew from my face as I dashed, looking to find that river from earlier. I now felt it, the pain spreading near my right eye. How did I not notice this happening? How did I get hurt?


I kept the right eye closed as I ran around trees, holding my sister closely. I could tell she was staring at me but I wouldn't look at her. I finally found the twisting river, yards away. I set her down as we got close and dropped to my knees in front of the water. My reflection shocked me. My face was covered in dirt, my arms were cut and my dress was torn. I looked dead, to tell you the truth. I couldn't stop looking at my right eye. It was hard to open, it was very red and I couldn't see through it at that moment. Blood was dripping down my face and I felt weak and dizzy. I tried to get up off my knees but I couldn't move. I stared at Marion, crying because I was hurt. I pulled her closer and hugged her, before everything went black, and I fainted.
 
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Interesting story, it really is. Definitely seems like it would fit with more story.


For areas of improvement, as Hatchet says so often, formatting could prove beneficial, and more than anything else at the moment, proofreading.


Keep writing, and they'll keep improving ^^
 
The spelling and grammar errors are very off-putting. It looks to be some blend of historical fantasy; further chapters would detail that I presume.


Why would her hair bounce if she’s moving slowly? Even if it’s riotously curly, if her momentum is minimal it’ll stay in place.



Priests and Justice of the Peace are not the same thing.



I reiterate: learn to use semi-colons.



“…smiled as the other bridesmaids and I followd them. “



Congradulations --> Congratulations



“…her dress did not loose it's flow…” Two things wrong: lose, not loose, and its, not it’s. Contrary to every other usage of the apostrophe, it’s is the contraction of ‘it is’ whereas ‘its’ is the possessive form.



*curtsy singular



*offense



You seemed to switch from Mona talking to ‘father’ to Abel talking to him



"Son, I'm mighty proud in you...” In you?



Personally I think it’s unwise for a prince to drop that kind of thing on a ruler in such a setting, but it’s your story.



Just to verify, Mona has a cousin named Roland AND the king is named Roland?



*realized



Plot note, she told Jessamine to meet her after; am I to understand she left early and skipped the meal entirely? In that vein, I have to assume it would be explained later what the relevance of Jessamine is.



*gallantly, is how you spell it, but it’s not really appropriate usage in context



*meant



Must have been night? At the beginning, instead of just saying how pretty the sun was, maybe denote that it was evening sun so the sudden switch to dark isn’t as jarring.



oncovered --> uncovered



The general set up and description of the garden is very confusing, though



Hobbling usually indicates an injury or other handicap impairing one’s ability to walk. And not going to lie, but who lets a) a four year old wander off on their own and b) more importantly a ROYAL four year old. Which seems to be the implication if Sherlotta’s brother is crown prince and Marion is sister to both.



“I must not be fully Italian…” Royals pretty much can trace their lineage back generations. What’s the confusion?



“…a white rose that looked pink…” Not even going to touch that one.



*accomplishment



"Hmm?" Marion said, obviously hearing more footsteps than I did. à How is Sherlotta able to know what Marion hears?



“I watched from behind the blood red roses as dark kights marched closer and closer to the castle” and the guards and soldiers that come part and parcel with royalty are where? Also, *knights



*there’s



 

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