Advice/Help Are these good ground rules for rp?

[nerdy tangents]

I am hoping the rules will chase away people who think they can break them and bully me into something I don't want to do. I am dead beat tired of assholes.

On the topic of common sense, that which is common sense to you does not mean it is common sense to another. I once had a teacher say, "why is it called common sense when it seems to be so rare." He wasn't wrong, I run into many people where something should be common sense but isn't for someone else.

So I will agree with Daisie that rules don’t deter assholes. I mean do you think your previous partners would have acted differently if you showed them these rules before you started roleplaying?

Or would they have pretended to agree to them and then treated you exactly the same way. If memory serves that was one of your complaints wasn’t it? That one of the partners lied about changing his ways and then turned around and did the same toxic stuff as before.

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So if you really don’t want to deal with assholes your far better off calling out controlling behavior when it shows up.

Or just drop someone if they start to behave in a manner that you don’t like. You don’t owe anyone an explanation and you are free to leave a roleplay whenever you want.

So I would instead focus less on trying to “chase people away” and instead on finding someone who is a good fit for you.

So I do think Daisies suggestion of putting a bit more information about what you are bringing to the table or what your actively looking for would help.

Even if it’s a separate section to the rules (it’s what I do, I make a little about me section to introduce things like post length, when I am available for writing, etc.)

 

[faerylunala]

Reading through this thread, I can definitely relate to your experiences and understand where you're coming from. I also believe it comes down to setting proper boundaries and expectations for the roleplay before you begin, which the rules would help get these ideas across in anyone who isn't disrespectful. That said, anyone who is committed to disrespecting a person's rules and boundaries will attempt to cross them regardless of how many of them you set. Having rules both parties can agree on is beneficial to the both of you, as it prevents problems such as what you had in the past, but it is also a matter of accepting there will always be people out there who don't have that same courtesy.

Personally, so long as both sides agree on each other's rules and limits, I see no issue with your revised list. They're clear, to the point, and get your expectations across. Having been in your position before, I can see why you worded them the way you did. Keeping that in mind, though, the way they are worded can be perceived as harsh and can definitely be a contributing factor in potentially turning people away. It all comes down to how individuals interpret them, as I've seen in this thread. While I see no issue with them and can personally relate, I also can see why other people would believe they are too strict or harsh.

I believe a lot of it does come down to finding a person or even people who are respectful to your boundaries. If someone is being disrespectful and only doing what they want in the roleplay, then it is, in my opinion, grounds to tell them, "This isn't going to work." and then discontinuing the roleplay, as other users have said. A huge part of roleplay is having open communication and collaboration with your partner, so if there is no real collaborating and someone is just wanting to tell their story and not really allow you to contribute, I believe it isn't really worth the time to continuously put effort into it if you are being talked over in the process. And, honestly, if someone isn't listening to what you have to say for the roleplay during the planning phase, there is nothing wrong with telling them it won't work out and then leaving. You're allowed to back out at any time if the other person isn't listening or expecting you to go along with everything they want.

In the end, I wish you luck in figuring this out, and I hope my input is able to help at least a little!

 

[ButterflyBlueLady]

Reading through this thread, I can definitely relate to your experiences and understand where you're coming from. I also believe it comes down to setting proper boundaries and expectations for the roleplay before you begin, which the rules would help get these ideas across in anyone who isn't disrespectful. That said, anyone who is committed to disrespecting a person's rules and boundaries will attempt to cross them regardless of how many of them you set. Having rules both parties can agree on is beneficial to the both of you, as it prevents problems such as what you had in the past, but it is also a matter of accepting there will always be people out there who don't have that same courtesy.

Personally, so long as both sides agree on each other's rules and limits, I see no issue with your revised list. They're clear, to the point, and get your expectations across. Having been in your position before, I can see why you worded them the way you did. Keeping that in mind, though, the way they are worded can be perceived as harsh and can definitely be a contributing factor in potentially turning people away. It all comes down to how individuals interpret them, as I've seen in this thread. While I see no issue with them and can personally relate, I also can see why other people would believe they are too strict or harsh.

I believe a lot of it does come down to finding a person or even people who are respectful to your boundaries. If someone is being disrespectful and only doing what they want in the roleplay, then it is, in my opinion, grounds to tell them, "This isn't going to work." and then discontinuing the roleplay, as other users have said. A huge part of roleplay is having open communication and collaboration with your partner, so if there is no real collaborating and someone is just wanting to tell their story and not really allow you to contribute, I believe it isn't really worth the time to continuously put effort into it if you are being talked over in the process. And, honestly, if someone isn't listening to what you have to say for the roleplay during the planning phase, there is nothing wrong with telling them it won't work out and then leaving. You're allowed to back out at any time if the other person isn't listening or expecting you to go along with everything they want.

In the end, I wish you luck in figuring this out, and I hope my input is able to help at least a little!

Thank you.

To me the rules aren't overly harsh, they indicate that I want to communicate, I have boundaries and people can't just do what they want for the sake of it and it should be talked about. Both parties should be comfortable with what we are going to do. They aren't just for my future partner, they are for me too. I like to be able to talk about things, my last two partners had a very strong my way or the highway attitude, they didn't really want to talk with me but at me and demand I do something. \

My second partner was so pissed about not getting what he wanted that at one point he deleted all his comments from one of the stories we were writing to try and force me into something I didn't want to do. I hadn't even noticed he'd done it because we hadn't touched my post in so long because he couldn't get his own going. His first post bombed, his second didn't even make it past the concept phase because it involved something I didn't want to do and it was the same with his third try. My dumbass has always been a little nicer than it should be and I stupidly give people three chances.

I can tell some people aren't realizing that it's also about comfort and boundaries, maybe they haven't had the same experience and that's fair. If I can find a way to sugar coat the rules, that would be awesome.

I need a middle ground for them. Not too kind but not too harsh, and still completely makes sense while expressing boundaries.

I wonder if there is actually a word simulator or something for that?

 

[faerylunala]

You're very welcome!

I understand that, and I agree. I remember, back in the day, I worded rules as bluntly as possible to avoid people like who you have had to interact with. I enforced strict boundaries and basically didn't roleplay with anyone if they did anything that disrespected the rules I had established. More often than not, I dropped roleplays and would only give individuals a second chance on the grounds that they respected my limits. For me, this worked well as it established I wouldn't put up with anyone's nonsense and it also allowed me to see who was actually serious about wanting to roleplay with me and respect me as a person. This was also, however, on an entirely different website where it was a bit more of a free for all in terms of who would roleplay with you.

So, it kind of comes down to wording it gently. I'll provide a couple of examples for how I would word it, to ideally help a little bit better.

For rules one through three, for example, I would personally write:
1. If there an idea we want to etablish moving forward, it must be discussed and agreed upon. If either one of us doesn't like the direction, or if the direction isn't correct for the roleplay, then it will be mutually discarded. If we both mutually dislike each other's ideas, then it is grounds for both of us to discontinue the roleplay with no hard feelings attached.

2. Unless the progression of the character changes during the course of the roleplay through the use of character development, original characters for both of us will not be changed or adapted. I do not expect you to change your characters for mine, and therefore expect you to give me the same courtesy.

3. If we both can agree on an overall plot, but not on a specific idea, then it warrants further discussion to better develop the concept into something we can mutually agree upon. If we can't come to an agreement on the idea, then the idea will be scrapped.

Basically, if you word it as more of a middle ground and meeting someone halfway, it'll come across a bit gentler and less combative. Wording it this way still sets your boundaries and expectations, but is easier received by individuals who perceive your initial rules as too harsh.

 

[nerdy tangents]

Honestly I don’t think they’re too harsh so much as too specific. A lot of them seem to be direct reaction to stuff a previous partner has done. Which just makes them confusing to read if you aren’t that person.

Example in number eight ::

8: I like to communicate about that happens next in the story. Let's decide together what's going to happen rather than spring it on each other. I check in frequently. Please do not try to schedule in things, this isn’t a dentist office.

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So the first half of the post is perfectly fine. The bolded part is a little confusing because scheduling posts really isn’t a thing. I have been doing 1x1s for going on 6 years now and the closest I have ever come to having a schedule is saying something to the effect of “Hey I’m busy right now so I will get a reply up next Tuesday.”

Now from reading your previous post I understand this is in reference to your partner wanting to do ERP (which isn’t allowed on this site).

But without that context I’m just like “Do you not want me to tell you when I can post?”

 

[ButterflyBlueLady]

You're very welcome!

I understand that, and I agree. I remember, back in the day, I worded rules as bluntly as possible to avoid people like who you have had to interact with. I enforced strict boundaries and basically didn't roleplay with anyone if they did anything that disrespected the rules I had established. More often than not, I dropped roleplays and would only give individuals a second chance on the grounds that they respected my limits. For me, this worked well as it established I wouldn't put up with anyone's nonsense and it also allowed me to see who was actually serious about wanting to roleplay with me and respect me as a person. This was also, however, on an entirely different website where it was a bit more of a free for all in terms of who would roleplay with you.

So, it kind of comes down to wording it gently. I'll provide a couple of examples for how I would word it, to ideally help a little bit better.

For rules one through three, for example, I would personally write:
1. If there an idea we want to etablish moving forward, it must be discussed and agreed upon. If either one of us doesn't like the direction, or if the direction isn't correct for the roleplay, then it will be mutually discarded. If we both mutually dislike each other's ideas, then it is grounds for both of us to discontinue the roleplay with no hard feelings attached.

2. Unless the progression of the character changes during the course of the roleplay through the use of character development, original characters for both of us will not be changed or adapted. I do not expect you to change your characters for mine, and therefore expect you to give me the same courtesy.

3. If we both can agree on an overall plot, but not on a specific idea, then it warrants further discussion to better develop the concept into something we can mutually agree upon. If we can't come to an agreement on the idea, then the idea will be scrapped.

Basically, if you word it as more of a middle ground and meeting someone halfway, it'll come across a bit gentler and less combative. Wording it this way still sets your boundaries and expectations, but is easier received by individuals who perceive your initial rules as too harsh.

The second rule, I am slightly hesitant to make changes because it's not just about personality. Both my last partners wanted to make changes to my character's appearances(I'm a digital artist) and abilities. My second partner was extremely insistent on changing my character's abilities because to him, they were over-powered, ironic since he made not one but four Gary Stu self inserts that have the ability to raise themselves from the dead. If I look at it from an outside perspective, really he just didn't want characters that were stronger than his and it became apparent that this also applied to characters from other fandoms.

Is it okay if I use your wording for the other two though?

 

[faerylunala]

Ah, gotcha! Thank you for clarifying that, I misunderstood the original message. So then, with this in mind, I would reword it to:
2. Aspects of our characters that are set in stone, such as appearances and abilities for example, are non-negotiable to be changed. I do not expect you to change these parts of your characters for me, and so I expect the same courtesy from you.

Of course! I put them there for you to take if you so chose and liked them, as well as give you an idea of how you could word the others yourself. If you need help wording the remaining rules, I don't mind helping out with that either.

 

[ButterflyBlueLady]

Ah, gotcha! Thank you for clarifying that, I misunderstood the original message. So then, with this in mind, I would reword it to:
2. Aspects of our characters that are set in stone, such as appearances and abilities for example, are non-negotiable to be changed. I do not expect you to change these parts of your characters for me, and so I expect the same courtesy from you.

Of course! I put them there for you to take if you so chose and liked them, as well as give you an idea of how you could word the others yourself. If you need help wording the remaining rules, I don't mind helping out with that either.

Revised rules

1: Please be open to discussing your idea. If there is an idea we want to establish moving forward, it must be discussed and agreed upon. If either one of us doesn't like the direction, or if the direction isn't correct for the roleplay, then it will be mutually discarded. If we both mutually dislike each other's ideas, then it is grounds for both of us to discontinue the roleplay with no hard feelings attached.

2: Oc’s: Aspects of our characters that are set in stone, such as appearances and abilities for example, are non-negotiable to be changed. I do not expect you to change these parts of your characters for me, and so I expect the same courtesy from you.

3: If we both can agree on an overall plot, but not on a specific idea, then it warrants further discussion to better develop the concept into something we can mutually agree upon. If we can't come to an agreement on the idea, then the idea will be scrapped.

4: Please do not be hesitant to speak up if you believe things are going in the wrong direction or if something makes you uncomfortable. I am communicative, therefore if I am not complaining, it is reasonable to believe that I am enjoying the roleplay. It's crucial to me that my writing partners feel comfortable talking to me about changes to the RP. If something suddenly confuses you, please ask. I am aware that my dyslexia frequently causes confusion.

5: Please keep all RP-related discussions on the server; I don't need them muddled up in my direct messages. Taco Tuesday and RP are not topics I want to discuss at the same time.

6: Please avoid auto-hitting, meta-gaming, or egregiously OOC behaviors.

I think they seem pretty good now?

 

[faerylunala]

Yes, those are a lot better! They come across much more gently, while still getting your point across.

 

[ButterflyBlueLady]

Yes, those are a lot better! They come across much more gently, while still getting your point across.

Thank you so much for the help!

 

[faerylunala]

You're so welcome! I hope they help you in finding a roleplay partner!