Venom Adhamm

In gym class, we had to do some weight-lifting. The coach said to continue doing sets until failure, so I didn't lift any weights because I'm already a failure.

I hope a girl gives me a chance one day, so that I can finally disappoint someone besides my parents.

I don't date black girls. It's not because I'm a racist, it's because I don't have any positive qualities that would make girls of any race interested in me.

I think when the zombie apocalypse happens, it's going to be important to have stuff you can put between you and the zombies to prevent them from getting too close to you. I just plan to use my personality since it works so well on warding off girls that I like.

You dare lay eyes upon the Demon King and not present an offering?

I think I'm a fairly simple person with simple hobbies, you know? I'm just like anyone else: I like to curl up under the blankets, put on some comforting music, grab a good book, and try to forget about the agonizing inevitability of death.

People tell me I should be more brave and confident, and I should step out of my comfort zone and just ask people to hang out with me. But I feel most people are scared to stay around me for too long since they end up trapped in this inescapably awkward zone of cognitive dissonance where they wonder "Man, should I laugh at that joke he made about hating himself, or should I give him the number of my therapist?"

I don't mean to brag, but this one time I asked a girl out on a date, and that very same night


i cried myself to sleep

I don't really buy into that "nofap" thing. It's just weird to me. Like, these communities of people online who go and commit themselves to not slapping their meat around is just really bizarre. There's nothing wrong with it in theory, but I just sort of have a problem with people who do this and say "Oh, not masturbating has made me more successful and attractive and my dad came back. You know, from the grave." And then there are the people who go and post about how sad they are that they "relapsed." Relapsed? Really? Is that the word you wanna use? It's masturbation not heroin, and I can tell the difference between the two because I don't cry after doing heroin.

Still searching for people to do this for me: 

Sometimes people get offended by some of my more macabre human. You know, they'll say "Oh, I think that was just a little too dark, I didn't like that." And then I'll call them a racist.

I don't like when stand-up comedians say the lead-in to their joke, then say the joke, then repeat the lead-in again, then say another joke related to the topic of the previous joke, then say the lead-in again five times. I'll give you an example:


"I don't understand cars, you know? Like, they have wheels instead of legs. [canned laughter]. Yeah, so, I don't understand cars. I just don't get them. I don't understand. Why do most cars have at least two seats even though I'm always alone? I don't understand cars, I just don't understand."


I think it's annoying when comedians do that. Like, you made the joke, please move on. I understand you need to pad out your hour-long show, but I'd prefer watching you take a minute to drink from your water bottle than taking a minute to repeat the joke until I stop liking it. 


Anyway, I made up that example and it will appear in my new comedy special, "Fear and Self-Loathing on Planet Earth."