Journal silently screaming

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

(very sorry if this is the wrong prefix)

let me start with screaming.


AHHHIQU23JAWF80YH[IOT3PJ4GER-W[3IPOEGP5HOIW4;5EROI;LKRTG


ok now that that's out of the way
you know what's next?

a suicidal episode
yay!
ulgh I'm sick of these things
like I'm about to give in
at least i'm going to be hanging out with my friend and her annoying brother for the week.
so it will hopefully be postponed until after.

welp that's it i may rant more here

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

oh and you know on top of that?
I have to deal with some homophobic padlet I can't back out of because I'm the vice president of it.
great.

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

Screaming into the rain



Like she doesn't fucking care. She's going on with her merry little life. And where am I? fucking trust issues and deppression masked by fake smiles and lies. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'M SO NOT FUCKING FINE. But she doesn't give a shit. she's hanging out with fucking fake Tiana. I don't know who to trust anymore. I don't know what to do. I don't know why I care so much. I want it all to end. I want so bad to tell anyone, but who would understand? who could i tell without them getting mad at my 'emotional' self? FUCKING ASS.

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

Cloudy days spent contemplating
it’s me, back again with another rant!
this time it may be an essay but we’ll see.
So there’s this girl in my class, we’ll call her G, and she has so much shit going on in her life, I feel bad. Until she makes me feel like an ass for having problems as well.

okay wait- I’m going to copy and paste this from messages real quick.

okay so theres this girl, her name is G. she has told me on multiple accounts that she has a horrible home life, but doesn't specify exactly whats going on. she is using me as a therapist, pretty much against my will, but i wanted to be there for her, cuz we were friends and all.
oh she dont want to talk to anyone so shes using me
she doesn't want to talk to the school counselor, i guess for fear of it getting back to her family or smth- but anyways on Wednesday or whenever picture day was i was about to her i was about to have a mental breakdown cuz her problems were weighing on me, almost forcing me into suicide and i wasnt talking to anyone cuz i felt like i had to be there for her.
i asked her if i could tell her something if she would care and she said she wouldnt care
so i didnt tell her
that i was about to have a fucking mental breadown.
am i the problem?
and so i was like - pissed but was kinda hiding it with sadness (?)
and she asked me if i was okay, i wanted to tell her no, im not fucking okay, im about to have a mental breakdown,
but of course i didnt, because SHE WOULDNT CARE
and so i just told her 'yeah im fine'
and then she GOT MAD AT ME
ok so anyways later that day- like thirty or smth mins later, i was in gym
and i just started crying-
BECAUSE I NEEDED SOMEONE TO ASK IF I WAS OKAY
I NEEDED SOMEONE TO JUST CARE
BECAUSE OF THIS GIRL-
MAKING ME FEEL LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT FOR HAVING PROBLEMS
ok so anyways someone told the gym teacher or smth
but he came over to me and told me to guidance
i talked to the guidance councilor told her vaguely what was going on with Ash
And then the guidance counselor talked to Ash
and Ash GOT MAD AT ME
FOR TRYING TO GET HER HELP
BECAUSE I COULDNT HANDLE HER PROBLEMS ANYMORE
BUT ASH THOUGHT IT WAS ME
SO SHE THOUGHT IT WAS ME
AND THEN SHE KEPT RANTING TO ME
THAT ARE APPEARANTLY MORE IMPORTANT THEN EVERYONE ELSE
AND SHES THE ONLY ONE THAT MATTERS
I TOLD HER ON FRIDAY I COULDNT BE HER SUPPORT SYSTEM ANYMORE
AND SHE WAS LIKE 'WHY'
AND I SAID WELL CUZ IM NOT FORCING MYSELF INTO SUICIDE BECAUSE OF YOU
AND SO SHE WAS REALLY FREEKING MAD AT ME AT ENGLISH YESTURDAY
BUT PRETTY MUCH WE GOT INTO A FIGHT AND I TOLD MY MOM AND SHOWED HER IT CUZ IT WAS OVER TEXT
AND NOW MY MOM MIGHT FORCE ME INTO THERAPY EVEN THOUGH WE LIVE IN A VERY HOMOPHOBIC PLACE AND IM SCARED

 

[Shawdios]

*gives a virtual hug if you'd like*
I hate that this experience of being treated as the therapist is so common.
im sorry you can't cut off from it like I could with the person who had been my "ash".
Friendships aren't:
Person a: *rants about problems*
Person b: hey can I talk about my-
Person a: bro idfc

Friendships are two way streets,
and yea they can talk about their problems with you
and you can talk about your problems with them.
But that's not supposed to be the definition of the friendship.

Yes, friends are supposed to support each other,
but emphasis on EACHOTHER.
meaning, its mutual.
(me and my only best friend have to constantly reassure each other that we aren't being toxic if we talk about our issues)

You aren't each others therapist's.
ive learned that over the course of time, and through the experience you are having.
im really sorry you have to go through this.
But you have at least someone in your corner here who understands what it's like.

(if this is unwanted, I will delete it for you, just tell me if it is)

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

*gives a virtual hug if you'd like*
I hate that this experience of being treated as the therapist is so common.
im sorry you can't cut off from it like I could with the person who had been my "ash".
Friendships aren't:
Person a: *rants about problems*
Person b: hey can I talk about my-
Person a: bro idfc

Friendships are two way streets,
and yea they can talk about their problems with you
and you can talk about your problems with them.
But that's not supposed to be the definition of the friendship.

Yes, friends are supposed to support each other,
but emphasis on EACHOTHER.
meaning, its mutual.
(me and my only best friend have to constantly reassure each other that we aren't being toxic if we talk about our issues)

You aren't each others therapist's.
ive learned that over the course of time, and through the experience you are having.
im really sorry you have to go through this.
But you have at least someone in your corner here who understands what it's like.

(if this is unwanted, I will delete it for you, just tell me if it is)

ty! and no, you can keep it.

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

my friend got mad at me because I needed him to realize that I wasn't fucking okay.

at this point I feel like I'm the problem.

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

Okay. I need help.

it's one am, I'm sitting here listening to Sara on repeat, on the brink of crying. someone, anyone, please, ask me if I'm okay. I'm sick of being there for other people. I can't keep this mask up. I need someone to talk to, but I can't. Who would care? What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I so damn weird? I need to cry, but am too scared to. I want to smile, but what if someone saw behind the mask? What if the mask I've been keeping up since fifth grade suddenly falters and they all realize that I'm not the happy little girl everyone thought I was. They would see the struggling boy trying to find their place in the world. what the hell is wrong with me? I can't take this anymore, but there is nothing I can do. I need someone to ask me if I'm okay, but what if I lie again, tell them "Yeah, I'm fine" like I have been so often it was just the automatic response. I can't fucking take this anymore.

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

I can't shake the feeling of being an imposter.
outside.
looking in.
spectating.
this life,
this body
doesn't feel like mine anymore.
I don't know what to do.
Not anymore.

the world feels too cold.
I'm not in control.
I don't know if I ever was.
I can't remember.
everything feels like a blur.

I'm not okay.
Was I ever?

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

This is going to be short, I don’t have much time.

Welp, here we are. I’ve been sent to the guidance counselor multiple times today for suicide allegations. they’re calling my dad and I may be getting a therapist. Why is this bad, you ask? Well, I don’t want to talk about my feelings, although that’s exactly what I’m doing here. What would I say? “Oh yeah, I comptemplate suicide on occasion. so what?
gtg now

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

At this point, I can’t respond to someone asking me if I’m okay honestly. Like- Physically unable. Not knowing wouldn’t be honest, because I do, at least a bit. Saying I’m not okay wouldn’t be right because I can’t say that, it seems so .. wrong, and I have no reason not to be okay. Saying I’m okay would be a complete lie, I’m not.

and the last reason: no one fucking asks me if I’m okay. I ask so many people if they’re okay, but I haven’t been asked in so long, not physically.

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

People sometimes ask me ‘if you’re so sad, why are you laughing? Why are you smiling at the little things?’
What don’t you understand?
I laugh, even on the tough subjects, especially on the tough subjects, because 1) my humor is fucked up, 2) It’s rarely real, and 3) because It’s how I cope.
I smile, it’s fake. It’s a mask of the girl i was.
The little things? A butterfly flying across the path is a reminder that not everything in this destroyed world is horrible.
I smile at little kids, enjoying their life? That’s because they deserve to. it’s so nice to see little children being so happy. I want to tell them the cherish it. it’s only going down from here. Love living life, because you may hate it soon.

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

A Letter to Pasta
(not his real name, just a nickname)

When I asked that, I didn’t have any on me. Not then. Even though you didn’t tell me, I have so many alternatives. Like- I’ve been thinking about this. You can’t stop me from doing this, no one at the sun shop gives a damn. They don’t know the kid who goes in every month or so. I mean, maybe Twig, but they don’t know me. No one would know it happened, not from there.
Friends? They know about this, and they all have other friends. Yer for example, we used to be friends, but we don’t talk anymore. Only if he randomly shows up in the group chat.
Evan? He’s done this before, the exact same way. He didn’t tell us.
Now, about the teacher things. Why the fuck would they care? They have so many other classes. Most of them don’t even know my name. And they would just tell me to go to guidance. None of them even know me that well.
Yeah, that’s it. I know you will never read this. I’m not sending it to you, and you aren’t on RPN.

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

Another Letter to Pasta

The calls we have where we just go on mute and don't talk to each other for ten minutes, those mean so much more to me than you think. I try not to ask you if we can very often, but damn I need those. I don't know what your reasons are for responding to them, but it feels so good to know that there's someone there. You know I'm debating. You know I ask The Question every day. I'm fucking sorry, Pasta. We barely know each other and I'm here venting to you. I'm putting so much of my problems onto you, and you don't even know me. We've seen each other around seven times, but here I am, telling you things I can't even tell my parents. So, this is a sorry. This is a sorry for ranting to you, when you probably don't care. I'm sorry I can't keep promises. Thank you for grounding me with calling and going on mute automatically. You don't fucking know how much that means to me.

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

Every time I think it’s going a bit better, they spring on me with another “[deadname], come here!”. It doesn’t help that the teachers will be like “She did this, but then did that. She … She… her…” Like damn, are you trying to hit me? I get deadnamed more with my parents than my teachers, like geez. Can you remember your own child’s name? It’s been months. I know I shouldn’t be this hard on them, but they are hard on me.

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

am I an asshole for not wanting my parents in my room while I change?
am I stupid for not packing much lunch because I know I won't eat it?
am I selfish for not wanting to take care of someone's mental health and be their therapist because of the effect it takes on my mental health?
am I self-centered for being suicidal without having much reason besides depression ?

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

Alright, well..
A lot has been happening.


one, someone found out my deadname and now only calls me by it. She apparently lives in or around my neighborhood, and started chasing me, taking pictures of me, deadnaming me, and acting like an animal (not like a furry- she was legit getting on all fours and hissing at me). There was also the threatening in multiple languages thing, but we don't have to talk about it.
Well, she goes to my school. She's in my gym class. She is the FUCKING PRINCIPALS DAUGHTER. the girl is just a stuck up bitch.
She told me, "[deadname], I'm going to get more laps than you on the pacer test(a test our school has to test pacing in gym)" Yeah, girl made a mistake. My closest friends were with me, and she only got seventeen laps. (I got thirty laps.) See, those friends are ones of few who know my chosen name and pronouns. That said, we all scoffed at her and told her she got the wrong person.


next thing, G (formally known as Ash but I'm taking a page out of @pansexualbread's book.). Yup, this fucking bitch.
A few things happened with her.
one, T, a boy in our class, pushed me into a desk. Nothing painful, but that isn't the point. G decided to highfive him for it. Later when g was asked she responded with 'well, it was a good push. could you blame me?'

two, we're friends.
uh, yeah. I don't know how this happened but she sits with other people i'm friends with (A, Al, and I.), and we all hang out. Two, our teacher assigned us seats next to each other.

three, she misgenders me. Not surprising, but it's to her 'boyfriend', and she's one of the few who know. Like geez girl, I try to support you best I can. all I get back is a misgender?

that's it. bye.

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

It's weird
some people call you by your deadname for malice reasons
but some don't know better
some of them
have known you as your deadname their entire life
and haven't known your chosen name for long enough
but here we are
entertaining people (family of three)
with my deadname.

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

the principal's daughter (bitch, deadname girl, whatever you want to call her) doesn't deadname whenever she sees me, so that's good. I rarely see her, but we (me, A, Al, and I) were sitting inside for lunch because it was raining and she was sitting near us. A few side-eyes were passed through that.

on a little bit of a better note, but a mysterious one, my english teacher somehow knows I go by they/them??? i didn't tell her and i don't think she heard it from one of the students. but it was a cool surprise anyways.

last thing, why do i feel so damn invisible? like i'll hang out with people but- i'll be dead silent while they're talking. and this is with people i'm normally quite talkitive with. they barely acknowledge my presence-

 

[Shawdios]

last thing, why do i feel so damn invisible? like i'll hang out with people but- i'll be dead silent while they're talking. and this is with people i'm normally quite talkitive with. they barely acknowledge my presence-

Dunno if you were being rhetorical, but I just wanted to say you’re not alone in that feeling.

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

Dunno if you were being rhetorical, but I just wanted to say you’re not alone in that feeling.

thanks

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

alright, my english teacher picked up on it from my mom.

now for a quirky little rant about how i am never myself. I mean, I'm a a different person around different people. I just don't want to be annoying and want people to actually enjoy my presence and not walk away from me when I come up to them.
the problems with this are groups, not knowing how to act around people, along with other things.
groups, i have to act along with how everyone expects me to, which won't work out.
not knowing how to act around people when i first meet them. Mostly, I'm just silent.
this goes for in person and online.
I think i have a problem, someone please help me.

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

i'm pretty sure i have adhd, okay.
so, i asked my mom if i could get tested and she told me that i couldn't because it isn't affecting my schoolwork ( a's and b's) and so if i got pills all they would do was affect my 'personality' (*scoff* like i had one). but no, i just want my stupid brain to do it's stupid job and WORK. like please, i just want to be normal. i don't care that i get good grades, my brain is all over the place.

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

Spoiler: gender/sexuality rant

I want to give up.
i want to be done.
i want to not care.
but damn i hate being called a girl
but is that just because i have gotten used to being called by they?
do i actually care?

i don't know anymore
i want to forfeit
i want to surrender
i just want to be done

with everything

why do i have to make this stupid little thing a big part of my stupid little life

all my friends, everyone i know, seem to know.
exactly who they are
while i'm just here floating
wondering

am i aroace?
i fucking want a relationship but i don't want kissing/ other things
s3x is scary
kissing is scary
but i hate physical touch soo

i just want to know
if i could just surrender to genderqueer i would
but i don't even know my own damn pronouns

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

"stand up straight"
"be proper"
"speak louder"
"talk to people"
"come on to this place where you know no one and you're going to be uncomfortable. but you don't have a choice."
"smile"

i physically can't stand up straight. I've been slouching for so much of my life that I'm always doing that, or leaning on something.

how do you expect me to be proper, when I can't even keep myself together?

no. I am soft-spoken and I'm not changing that just so you can show off your social little kid to a bunch of people.

NO. I'm fucking antisocial and overthink everything. don't expect me to be super nice and talk to everyone smoothly. that's just not who I am.

do I even have to explain this one? I told you multiple times I didn't want to come here, but you didn't listen.

I'm trying. I'm trying so damn hard to be presentable that I'm forgetting about everything else. we're the only ones here that aren't the person's family, I'm fucking uncomfortable, I know NOBODY, and im about to cry.

save me.