Opinion Need unbiased opinions!

[Ren_93]

Okay, I need help with a question I've been mulling over for quite some time now. Like, a few months...


So, my bf (23) and I (20) have been living together for a little over a year and been together a year this past May. We're both active duty Navy and I've received orders to Japan that'll last 3 years starting February in 2015. We haven't had any issues that we haven't been able to work through so far, and we're both thinking about our future together.


My question is that since we've both agreed we won't do anything serious until after my stint in Japan (unless he gets orders to there in 2016), would you say an engagement is too serious or not? We want to know how we'll fair with being separated at this distance and possibly with limited contact when I go out on deployment for months at a time. I'm just not sure how to bring this up to him without sounding like I'm begging for the engagement because I know marriage is a good 3 years AT LEAST off for us both. I'll be reenlisting in 2016 for another 4 years and he'll likely be reenlisting as well when he's up for it.

 

[Kaine]

I have a brother who just got done with 9 years in the military as of June and really it all depends on you guys. You have to both want each other and you have to want to be even when worlds apart. Its really that simple.


Long or short you have to act like your serious. Engagements will no more strengthen your relationship than a marriage or child's will. What makes it work is that both parties have a desire to be with each other and only each other. That's my opinion so unfortunately its bias.


To me. Promise rings for one another that you will remain true until you feel like your ready to get engaged would be far more important if your currently less serious. You need to both decide if waiting or moving on is what's best.


Also remember. Marriage and children are not what make a relationship serious. Time spent and memories shared are what makes a relationship serious. Wanting to be with that person. Help them in their times of need and be their to share their happiness. That's what it means to love someone.


But again my opinion. Hope it all works out for you. You have a long life to live. Just choose the pace that's right for you.

 

[ghoti115]

A few thoughts come to mind here, most of which were put into words above. However, I want to address a few other points dealing with the past, present, and future. Consider it some sage advise from someone who just celebrated 10 years of marriage and 18 years as a couple. These are things you should to think through. It is not necessary to reply to me.


You say you've been together for about a year and two months, which is great. Do you remember what it was that brought you together? Do you remember the first moment you knew you loved him? Do you still have that same sense of passion?


You say that you are living together, which is a good test of a relationship. I'm sure there is a list of things that he does that bother you (and vice versa), does the list amount to a page, a chapter, or a book? How severe are these annoyances? Have you ever talked about them? Has he tried to change his behavior for you? Think about these questions from his perspective as well. Will either of you miss those little things while you are in Japan? On the reverse side, think of the things he does that make you happy. Is this list longer than the bothering list (it should be)? Will you miss those things while you are away? And again, you should consider this from his perspective.


You talk about the future, but do you have a plan? Can you imagine what your life with him will be like in five years? Would you consider leaving active duty and starting a family? Will you both still be on active duty and starting a family? Do either/both of you want children? How about in seven to ten year?


With both of you on active duty you would also need to consider arrangements for a wedding. Yes, it's "a good 3 years AT LEAST off for us both", but you would be surprised at how quickly that time flies by. Has the topic of marriage come up in conversation at all? I am going to guess you haven't yet, but this would be a good litmus test for the subject in general.


Feel free to ask for advice, but in the end you need to talk to him. We can only offer so much, but it is the two of you who determine your future together. You should let him know what you are thinking and how you feel in plain words. Be open and honest, let him know that you aren't pressuring him to get engaged or married, but you are interested in what he thinks about the ideas.


These are based on my own experiences and how my wife and I have made our relationship work.