Zenith Sermon

devilaether

New Member
This is my first post on this forum. I thought I'd share a sermon that I've written that my Exalted character, a Zenith, will be giving in an upcoming game. Let me know what you think!


Sermon of Atlas, Solar Exalted of the Zenith Caste, to the people of Gethmane


I come to tell you that each of you, every man, woman and child in Creation, has the heart of a hero. Each of you has the potential to do great things, for yourself, your families, your community, your nation, and for all of Creation. Within each of you is a burning core of Virtue that can propel you to achieve your dreams. It is that hero's heart within all of you that inspired my god, The Unconquered Sun, to rise up in rebellion against the great darkness that reigned over Creation in the ancient past. It was the Virtue of humanity that gave Him the will and the strength to defy His creators and bring an end to the oppression and suffering they spread over all of Creation. He gathered to him the greatest of humanities heros and blessed them with his powers, and he rallied his heavenly sisters to do the same, and together they caused the very spirit of the land to turn against her peers and bestow her power into the blood of hero's all over Creation. And together, they threw off the darkness, banished it from the land and bound it so that it could not bring suffering to Creation or it's peoples. Through the Virtue of humanity and the hero's heart in all of us, the Impossible was accomplished.


The time has come for us to do our part once more, my brothers and sisters! We must awaken our heroes heart, we must each and every one of us strive for Virtue with all of our being! Darkness threatens to engulf us once again, and as before we must rise to face it! I have come to guide you, my heroes, to protect you when I can. The Unconquered Sun has sent me to you, to make you ready for the coming Darkness. I have fought and bled to keep you safe, and I will do so until the last breath leaves me. But I cannot do this alone. I need you, I need the hero inside of all of you. The Unconquered Sun needs you, needs your prayers and your dedication to Virtue to throw down the evil he faces and return His Light to the world. You must make your choice: remain as you are, or awaken the heart of the hero within. I will show you the way. I will give you the strength to make Creation the place we all know it could be. Together we will rise, rise into a glorious new day! Our heroes hearts will call to The Unconquered Sun as it did in the time before, and He will return in a new Dawn for all of Creation!


If you would walk with me down this path, if you will awaken your hero's heart, then there are four things you must know with all your being. First, you must know Compassion. You must recognize that you are all children of Creation, that what you do to your fellow man, you do to yourself. HEAR ME WELL! What you do to Another, you do to Yourself! If you feed a hungry child, it is your own soul you feed. If you steal from another, you steal from your own greatness. If you take a needy man into your house, it is your own heroic potential that you are fostering. If you strike a women, you are striking your own heart. If you help your community to prosper, it is yourself who will see gain. If you kill your fellow man, a part of you will die. If you protect the children of your neighbor with your very life, you will live on forever in their hearts. This is the lesson of Compassion. It was Compassion that moved the Unconquered Sun to rebellion, for as he passed over the skies of Creation, he saw the suffering and pain of the people, and could not deny it. Compassion was the seed of freedom, and so it must be the seed of the hero within all of us.


Second, you must know Conviction. The road ahead is not an easy one, my heroes! I will not lie to you. There will be hardship, there will be toil. Building a better Creation is a task that will demand the best of you, and if you wish to see your children live in that dream, you must be equal to it. You must never give up, though the road is hard and your burden great! There will be those who will try to stop you from being the hero I know you can be. They will be subtle and brutal, offering you ease and comfort, threatening you with violence and terror. I know these words are not comforting, my heroes. I know that doubt is coming upon you. But listen to me now! I give you two promises, two promises I will die before I see broken! First, through all the hard work, through all the weary days and nights of labor, I WILL BE WITH YOU. Upon my shoulders will be the heaviest of the loads. I will face down the darkest of the foes, and I will defeat them. I will never give up! I will never forsake you, or the burden we all must bear! Even when I leave this place, I will remain with you in spirit, ever present and ever ready to share the burden of unyielding Conviction. Second, the world I offer you is worth our struggle! The Glorious Dawn of the Unconquered Sun will be a place of plenty, of wisdom and rest. If you have the will to bring it about, the World of Light will be a dream that you cannot now imagine, but it is a place that your children will thank you for. This is the lesson of Conviction. It was Conviction that gave the Unconquered Sun the strength to persevere in the face of the impossible, for He knew that if he did not give up, if he stuck to his beliefs then a better world was possible for Himself, His Sisters and the Humanity they loved so dearly. Conviction was the tools that made freedom grow, and so it must be the tool of the hero within all of us.


Third, you must know Temperance. The road it a brighter Creation will be a long one, and we must muster the self-control to withstand the temptation to abandon it. There will be many distractions along the way, and we must have the strength of will to recognize them and be willing to set them aside while there is vital work to be done. I do not mean that there will be no time for rest and comfort: far from it, we must take our pleasures to renew our vigor for the hard task we take upon us, but we must have the willpower to only indulge when it is appropriate. We must be stern in our resolve to see through the pretty lies and pleasant illusions of those who would see the world remain dim and savage. We must let reason temper our passion so that we do not unknowingly do harm to what we are trying to achieve. We must be wary of the easy path, for though it may seem to be the better choice, it can easily lead us into ruin and decadence. This is the lesson of Temperance. Those that reigned with tyranny attempted to divert the Unconquered Suns holy crusade against them with temptation and clever lies, but He knew that for righteousness to win out, He would need to stand firm against the pleasures and indulgences that He could have taken. Temperance was the shield that kept freedom alive in the darkest of hours, and so it must be the shield we take it up to protect the hero within all of us.


Finally, you must know Valor. Of one thing you must be very clear. Creation and all it's people have enemies: creatures and beings that would twist, pervert and destroy this land and all who dwell in it. They must be confronted, they must be fought and their vile agendas must be thwarted. This is not an easy thing to do, nor will it be without cost. Our hearts must be ready to face that which would strike us down. We must be prepared to defend ourselves, our families, our neighbors, our cities, our nations and the whole of Creation itself. We must never back down from the threats that face us, we must never let fear of the darkness control us and prevent us from doing what must be done. We must be willing to pay the price so that the forces of death and corruption cannot gain a foothold in our land. WE MUST NEVER GIVE THEM AN INCH of our precious Creation. Even now, the dark ones work to turn old grudges into devastation and carnage. We must not allow hatred, not matter how justly earned it may be, to be turned and twisted against us and the future we work to bring about. Know that I speak not in metaphor or of some abstract battle: This trickery is occurring right here and now! Gethamane and White Wall are being used, the old enmity stoked and inflamed by the foul servants of Death to provoke a war that will leave this land, the whole of the North, a blackened wasteland where the living that remain serve the dead. We must have the bravery not only to fight the foes that must be defeated, but the courage and the strength to set aside our ire for our fellow man. There are much more dire villains to face, this I promise you, and face them we must! This is the lesson of Valor. The Unconquered Sun knew that in order to achieve victory, He would have to fight with all His might against the monstrosities that were most vile, and He used His shining power to mark them above all other lesser opponents. Valor was the light which struck down the enemies of freedom, and so it must be the light which guides the hero within all of us.


Now, I ask you to pray with me. "Sol Invictus, The Unconquered Sun, I offer you my prayer. I give to you the best of my heart, my most heroic deeds I dedicate to you. I ask that you shine your Light upon me so that I can see the best of what is inside me, that I might strive to make Creation a place worthy of your New Dawn. I offer to you the fruit of my Virtue, that you may raise me up to the Zenith of my potential as a hero. My greatest crafts and deepest wisdom I dedicate to you, for the Twilight gleaming of your Radiance guides me to the height of understanding and peace. Give me the strength to guard what is precious in the deepest Night, and with the sage guidance of the Heavenly Maidens, I will build Creation anew in your Divine Name. I swear on my heroes heart that I will spread this prayer across the whole of Creation, through Faith and Virtue raising up the nations of Humanity to be worthy of your gaze as You and Luna share the sky in sacred Eclipse. Accept my prayer, Ignis Dei. Sup of the wine of my faith, Sol Invictus. Hear the cry of my Heroes Heart, Unconquered Sun!"
 
Rich, but maybe too much.


I'd advise you advise using:


- "you": if you're talking to a crowd, use "we"... this way you include yourself to the mass.


- need, must, have to: everything that gives the idea of a constraint has nothing to do in a speech (especially that long) to motivates people.


- too many examples... you'll loose people talking about the four virtues (you lost me) with so much content


- the Unconquered Sun as an absent deity: he's there, he's watching, he's willing to help those who stand and fight for the greater good, and vae victis !


- yourself as the most important person in the speech: guiding/manipulating people is easier when they think you're like them. Once again, "we" is preferable to "you" as opposed to "I".


- prayer that are too long


On the "we / us" part you did quite a good job at the end of the text, but I think it comes too late... and you repeat "I" with the prayer instead of we (all of them should be praying as a group, and not everyone individually).


Reduce content, use less but more dramatic examples, identify the threat, the objective, the goal, the purpose, the target whatever... and repeat it over and over with its solution.


EX:


Compassion: we will protect each other from harm !


Conviction: we will prevail !


Temperance: we will use our reason for justice and hope !


Valor: we will stand and fight for good !
 
Apart from some grammar issues, it's quite a good sermon. Honestly something that should be preached in an actual church.


Oh, and welcome.
 

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