Where the Heart Meets the Mind

[The Narrator]

Greetings,


I do not consider myself a poet, but there are times when the mood strikes me and I write poems. I noticed that this website seems to enjoy poetry, and so I thought I would post poems when I write them in this thread. I haven't written anything in several years, but I look forward to getting more practice and learning.


Thank you and God bless.

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The Gallery (second version)

​

I remember the day that I saw you,

It’s sculpted within my memory.

The way you stood, so still and lovely,

The way you stood in the gallery.

I remember the way that you smiled,

In the gallery, your face agleam.

Inviting me to your blank canvas,

Inviting me to dream.

I remember how you lacked perspective,

So I drew in lines and gave you form.

I directed you and gave you life,

I directed you and gave you more.

I remember how you lacked dimension,

So I gave you depth and proportion.

I harmonized your composition,

I harmonized my vision.

I remember how you needed color,

So I brushed you with shades, tones, and hues.

I painted you the way I saw you,

I painted you with value.

I remember how you needed mixture,

An additive to complete the view.

So I prepared for us to combine,

So I prepared to combine with you.

I remember that you were mine,

I remember that you were art.

Then you moved,

Then you moved.

__________________________________________

​

The Gallery


I remember the day that I saw you,


The way you stood in the gallery.


I remember the way that I saw you,


So still and lovely, so mysterious,


Sculpted in my memory.


I remember the day that you smiled,


In the gallery, your face agleam.


I remember the way that you smiled,


Inviting me to your blank canvas,


Inviting me to dream.


I remember how you lacked perspective,


So I drew in lines and direction.


I remember how you lacked dimension,


So I gave you depth, breadth, proportion,


My finest composition.


I remember how you needed color,


So I brushed on blush of brilliant hues.


I remember how you needed mixture,


So I prepared to combine as one,


Prepared to combine with you.


I remember that you were mine,


I remember that you were art.


Then you moved,


Then you moved.

 

[Grey]

Ooh, that's got potential.


Could benefit from a bit more discipline in terms of consistent structure and word choice, but those trip us all up.


One of these pieces that'll really shine around the third pass of editing.


Looking forward to seeing more.

 

[The Narrator]

I went with a rhyme scheme that followed ABACB for the first two stanzas. However, I treated the next two stanzas with a different scheme ABCDB. I wanted to use the elements of art in the poem, but I did consider following the same pattern of ABACD for all the stanzas and repeating the first and third lines of each stanza. That would lengthen the poem to seven stanzas from five stanzas. I may rewrite it and see if I like it better.


Thanks for the compliment and suggestion. It has given me something to mull over and consider.

 

[Grey]

I think the metre might be the problem, then, because that's a fairly solid rhyme.


Also, if you're in the mood for it, I always value feedback from people who know what they're doing.

 

[Dusky]

I've nothing much to say Grey hasn't - but yes, definitely keep at this one.

 

[The Narrator]

I think the metre might be the problem, then, because that's a fairly solid rhyme.
Also, if you're in the mood for it, I always value feedback from people who know what they're doing.

I believe I had a little trouble with the metre in this poem due to the fact that I don't usually write formal poems, so a strict structure is something that I am trying to get used to. For example, the first line of each stanza has ten syllables, the next two lines have nine, and the last line is prose. It makes things difficult as opposed to writing prose poems, where I can simply focus on the theme and rhymes. I may work on refining this poem again some day, or perhaps rewrite it in prose. I worked on it today, and took out the line repetitions and added two more stanzas. I'm still trying to decide on where I want to go with it in the end.


Anyhow, thanks again and take care.

 

[Grey]

I like version two a lot more, I have to say.


Still a bit thematically discomforting, of course.