Soprano
sax mom
I'm not too sure how long this is going to be, but that doesn't matter because I'm not writing this for anyone other than myself. I just have all this pressure and weight on my shoulders, and I can't keep building and remodeling houses on the Sims with the amount of money I have.
Where do I even start? Maybe from the root of "the problem"? Work. I just started working at an amusement park a couple of weeks ago to make some extra money so I don't always have to ask my parents, because nobody wants to do that. I don't drive (sadly), or even have any bills to pay, so I can use my money for any leisurely means. I met a boy while working there, but I'm not too sure if I want to go that direction yet. Maybe I will. I'll start with the boy and then work.
He caught my eye at the very first orientation. He was chatting it up with some girl next to him, so I took my mind elsewhere. He was loud and talkative, so it was hard not to notice him. We didn't talk at all in those four hours, and I doubt he noticed me (wow so cliché hahah ew). We worked in the same department so we ended up going to the same training. We officially met there because I came in out of breath (from running to the place because I was a bit late), and he reassured me that I was fine since there was already a line to clock in. We shook hands and he felt the need to correct me on my handshake. We sat at the same table, but didn't talk much.
A few days later we had been working where ever they had scheduled us working, and that wasn't together. I didn't expect anything to happen because I lower my expectations close enough to limbo that the devil can't hurt me
All jokes aside, we did end up working together for two days in a row at a grease covered BBQ place. It was stressful (I'll elaborate more on the stress since there's a bit more to it) since I was the only cashier most times, and he was a line server. Later that evening, I offered to do the dishes since he was the only one back there. One of the cooks told the manager to put him there to make him quit talking, but that didn't help much. He was still talking/singing while alone back there. Things got kind of flirty I guess you could say. I made some joke too long to explain, but I will anyways so the next part makes sense and doesn't sound too crazy or predatory. I had made some joke about using reverse psychology that if I were to say (something along the lines of) "Yeah, I can say, go ahead choke me. Jokes on you, I like it." This bitch reached over and wrapped his fingers around my neck. You'd think I would have pulled back or slapped him, but I accidentally said out loud in front of him and the cook, "It's been so long since I've experienced the touch of a male, that I just let it happen." They all laughed and so did I, but little did they know, it was true.
Anyways, fast forward to the next day. We did the dishes, flirted, the usual. He mentioned something about getting another girls number and said something about getting mine. I audibly said "that's a red flag for me", and somehow he didn't know what I meant. As if the first red flag weren't enough. Anyways, we texted some, went on out first date at the exact amusement park we work at and had the best time. It was perfect. He moved a bit quickly, like holding my hand, kissing, and slapping each other's asses (JOKINGLY), but I guess it's better than some middle school relationship where each kid is waiting to make a move or simply nervous. He knew what he wanted, and come to think of it, I like that. I was a little hesitant to follow through with the kisses at first because I didn't want to seem to forward, needy, or demanding. I eventually gave in, and it made the night that much better.
The thing is, I still have my doubts. I constantly worry, "Am I setting myself up to get hurt? Is he talking to other girls?" I know exactly how paranoid I sound. He's just so outgoing and talkative and he hardly texts me back. As a Gen Z, I value texting as a means of communication. I'm used to it too. Maybe he doesn't as much because he doesn't use social media. I'm not all too sure because he does play some video games.
But time for the real problems and how he will come into the story. Not that he did anything wrong, it's just the notions in my head.
Ever since I started working, I haven't eaten as much as I did when I was in school. I had to eat during school to keep my brain fueled more than anything. School was draining and made me hungry a lot, so I would eat a big lunch at some fast food place and a big dinner to suppress the hunger pangs. Now, if anything, I'm a lot more physical at the job, and I know I'm not using my brain nearly as much, but I just completely lost my appetite. I never finish my food during my lunch breaks and I don't have dinner if I come home late. Lately, I'll have this feeling like I need to gag when I eat. Sometimes just the thought of food or even work gives me that feeling. But I have to force the food or else I know I'll get tired at some point, especially if I'm closing (cleaning up). Today, it just got to a really bad point, and keep in mind, I've only been there for about two weeks now.
I worked 11 hours. I didn't eat for 12 (lunch break up until after I got home, and then did dishes there, and then finally ate). I didn't go to bed until 2:30am, and I kept waking up after 8am. I couldn't go back to sleep for 30 minutes to an hour, but my body couldn't go back into that repairing and resting stage. I finally got up around 11 and had to get up. My mind and body has that feeling like when you get so little sleep that you're wide awake.
Anyways, I didn't eat much today because I wasn't hungry. My body wasn't asking for anything, so I didnt give it a meal. I did have a protein shake and sausage and babyfood mixture, which was easy enough to get down. My bowel schedule is fucked. I shit maybe every two or three days. I was extremely agitated today. Anytime anyone asked me to do something I questioned them because what I should be doing is recovering and resting, but my body can't. I seriously get cold when I come out of my room. Keep in mind, it's nearly 100 degree in my state and the usual temperature in my house is anything over 77 degrees Fahrenheit.
Suprisingly, I haven't lost any weight. I do look a bit slimmer, but it's all the same. It could be from being active and on my feet all day, but who knows.
What fucks my mind even more is that he's hardly texted me. Yes, it sounds expremely petty, and I can see that from an outside view, but I don't know him enough to trust him. I don't know what he's doing or if he's talking to other girls or even taking them on dates (!). I'm super paranoid and anxious and angry and agitated. I want to spill my feelings to him to help him understand and reassure me, but I don't want to scare him off. A know a part of me knows he would take me in his arms and stroke my head and tell me everything is okay, but the other part says he'll stop texting me for good.
I asked him earlier if I could vent to him, and he didn't respond for two hours. By then I was already busy and didn't feel like saying anything. An hour later I told him nevermind, not because I was at peace, but because I didn't feel motivated and I felt it wasn't worth it. He said alrighty. Just "alrighty then". I'm super over analytical, so I saw that as a sign that he didn't care. He didn't ask what was wrong. Maybe he thought it was some teenage issue, and I can see that, but I feel like I have so much to say, and no one to tell.
I told him our next date for Wednesday was off because of parental issues. I didn't mention it was because of my parents. I'm afraid he took that as me ending things, but I feel so paranoid and trapped. Like I can't tell him too much or else I'll scare him off, because he's only seen me happy, and slightly stressed at the most. Even then, I was able to joke around. And that scared part of me sees he hasn't said anything in hours so I'm assuming he either is moving on, is hurt, or doesn't care because he can move on. I just don't know him well enough to know him. I don't know him enough to know his mindset or if I can trust him and that makes everything worse for me. I feel so happy with him in person, but over the phone and when I'm away from him, I feel like I can't trust him and like something is going to go wrong. I don't want to get hurt or have my time wasted, so I'm being very calculative about all of this and it's starting to get to me. He usually responds every few hours and it makes me feel like he's not interested. Or maybe he's just using me, and that's not what I want. I want to be loved and valued and reassured and have a balance and good understanding.
So, yeah. That's the tea on me obsessing over a guy and not eating or sleeping because of work.
Where do I even start? Maybe from the root of "the problem"? Work. I just started working at an amusement park a couple of weeks ago to make some extra money so I don't always have to ask my parents, because nobody wants to do that. I don't drive (sadly), or even have any bills to pay, so I can use my money for any leisurely means. I met a boy while working there, but I'm not too sure if I want to go that direction yet. Maybe I will. I'll start with the boy and then work.
He caught my eye at the very first orientation. He was chatting it up with some girl next to him, so I took my mind elsewhere. He was loud and talkative, so it was hard not to notice him. We didn't talk at all in those four hours, and I doubt he noticed me (wow so cliché hahah ew). We worked in the same department so we ended up going to the same training. We officially met there because I came in out of breath (from running to the place because I was a bit late), and he reassured me that I was fine since there was already a line to clock in. We shook hands and he felt the need to correct me on my handshake. We sat at the same table, but didn't talk much.
A few days later we had been working where ever they had scheduled us working, and that wasn't together. I didn't expect anything to happen because I lower my expectations close enough to limbo that the devil can't hurt me
All jokes aside, we did end up working together for two days in a row at a grease covered BBQ place. It was stressful (I'll elaborate more on the stress since there's a bit more to it) since I was the only cashier most times, and he was a line server. Later that evening, I offered to do the dishes since he was the only one back there. One of the cooks told the manager to put him there to make him quit talking, but that didn't help much. He was still talking/singing while alone back there. Things got kind of flirty I guess you could say. I made some joke too long to explain, but I will anyways so the next part makes sense and doesn't sound too crazy or predatory. I had made some joke about using reverse psychology that if I were to say (something along the lines of) "Yeah, I can say, go ahead choke me. Jokes on you, I like it." This bitch reached over and wrapped his fingers around my neck. You'd think I would have pulled back or slapped him, but I accidentally said out loud in front of him and the cook, "It's been so long since I've experienced the touch of a male, that I just let it happen." They all laughed and so did I, but little did they know, it was true.Anyways, fast forward to the next day. We did the dishes, flirted, the usual. He mentioned something about getting another girls number and said something about getting mine. I audibly said "that's a red flag for me", and somehow he didn't know what I meant. As if the first red flag weren't enough. Anyways, we texted some, went on out first date at the exact amusement park we work at and had the best time. It was perfect. He moved a bit quickly, like holding my hand, kissing, and slapping each other's asses (JOKINGLY), but I guess it's better than some middle school relationship where each kid is waiting to make a move or simply nervous. He knew what he wanted, and come to think of it, I like that. I was a little hesitant to follow through with the kisses at first because I didn't want to seem to forward, needy, or demanding. I eventually gave in, and it made the night that much better.
The thing is, I still have my doubts. I constantly worry, "Am I setting myself up to get hurt? Is he talking to other girls?" I know exactly how paranoid I sound. He's just so outgoing and talkative and he hardly texts me back. As a Gen Z, I value texting as a means of communication. I'm used to it too. Maybe he doesn't as much because he doesn't use social media. I'm not all too sure because he does play some video games.
But time for the real problems and how he will come into the story. Not that he did anything wrong, it's just the notions in my head.
Ever since I started working, I haven't eaten as much as I did when I was in school. I had to eat during school to keep my brain fueled more than anything. School was draining and made me hungry a lot, so I would eat a big lunch at some fast food place and a big dinner to suppress the hunger pangs. Now, if anything, I'm a lot more physical at the job, and I know I'm not using my brain nearly as much, but I just completely lost my appetite. I never finish my food during my lunch breaks and I don't have dinner if I come home late. Lately, I'll have this feeling like I need to gag when I eat. Sometimes just the thought of food or even work gives me that feeling. But I have to force the food or else I know I'll get tired at some point, especially if I'm closing (cleaning up). Today, it just got to a really bad point, and keep in mind, I've only been there for about two weeks now.
I worked 11 hours. I didn't eat for 12 (lunch break up until after I got home, and then did dishes there, and then finally ate). I didn't go to bed until 2:30am, and I kept waking up after 8am. I couldn't go back to sleep for 30 minutes to an hour, but my body couldn't go back into that repairing and resting stage. I finally got up around 11 and had to get up. My mind and body has that feeling like when you get so little sleep that you're wide awake.
Anyways, I didn't eat much today because I wasn't hungry. My body wasn't asking for anything, so I didnt give it a meal. I did have a protein shake and sausage and babyfood mixture, which was easy enough to get down. My bowel schedule is fucked. I shit maybe every two or three days. I was extremely agitated today. Anytime anyone asked me to do something I questioned them because what I should be doing is recovering and resting, but my body can't. I seriously get cold when I come out of my room. Keep in mind, it's nearly 100 degree in my state and the usual temperature in my house is anything over 77 degrees Fahrenheit.
Suprisingly, I haven't lost any weight. I do look a bit slimmer, but it's all the same. It could be from being active and on my feet all day, but who knows.
What fucks my mind even more is that he's hardly texted me. Yes, it sounds expremely petty, and I can see that from an outside view, but I don't know him enough to trust him. I don't know what he's doing or if he's talking to other girls or even taking them on dates (!). I'm super paranoid and anxious and angry and agitated. I want to spill my feelings to him to help him understand and reassure me, but I don't want to scare him off. A know a part of me knows he would take me in his arms and stroke my head and tell me everything is okay, but the other part says he'll stop texting me for good.
I asked him earlier if I could vent to him, and he didn't respond for two hours. By then I was already busy and didn't feel like saying anything. An hour later I told him nevermind, not because I was at peace, but because I didn't feel motivated and I felt it wasn't worth it. He said alrighty. Just "alrighty then". I'm super over analytical, so I saw that as a sign that he didn't care. He didn't ask what was wrong. Maybe he thought it was some teenage issue, and I can see that, but I feel like I have so much to say, and no one to tell.
I told him our next date for Wednesday was off because of parental issues. I didn't mention it was because of my parents. I'm afraid he took that as me ending things, but I feel so paranoid and trapped. Like I can't tell him too much or else I'll scare him off, because he's only seen me happy, and slightly stressed at the most. Even then, I was able to joke around. And that scared part of me sees he hasn't said anything in hours so I'm assuming he either is moving on, is hurt, or doesn't care because he can move on. I just don't know him well enough to know him. I don't know him enough to know his mindset or if I can trust him and that makes everything worse for me. I feel so happy with him in person, but over the phone and when I'm away from him, I feel like I can't trust him and like something is going to go wrong. I don't want to get hurt or have my time wasted, so I'm being very calculative about all of this and it's starting to get to me. He usually responds every few hours and it makes me feel like he's not interested. Or maybe he's just using me, and that's not what I want. I want to be loved and valued and reassured and have a balance and good understanding.
So, yeah. That's the tea on me obsessing over a guy and not eating or sleeping because of work.
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