Other Vent thread (mostly me rambling about depression)

[Kurotsuki]

*deep breath* *sigh* I'm going to try to be calm about this...

So, my parents decided it would be a good idea to shut off the internet every night around like 11 pm. I typically wake up between 3-5 AM, but these lazy idiots sleep until like 9. I have friends in other time zones and with different schedules that I like to/can only talk to in the mornings.
They did it because I was on the internet in the early hours of the morning. Okay, fine, I can understand that if I slept for 8-9 hours like normal people. But I don't. I'm an insomniac and short sleeper, I do not sleep for nearly as long as the rest of my family. 4 in the morning is a perfectly reasonable time for me to be online if I go to sleep at 10 or 11. And now I have to wait for these fools, who stay up until 12 or 1 AM, to drag themselves out of bed HOURS after I've naturally woken up.
I asked my mom to turn the internet back on around 5 today and she got mad that I woke up at my normal time. THIS IS WHEN I WAKE UP FOR SCHOOL, mind you. I'm not getting up super early just because I can, it's a habit that I'm not going to put the effort into breaking. I get up, I have coffee, I eat breakfast, and then I go onto youtube or STC/RPN. I have a routine. This stupid new rule destroyed my routine. And I'm autistic/ADHD, so when I get into a routine I get upset REALLY easily if that routine is broken.
Also, who cares if I'm online in the middle of the night anyway? They have access to my search history, seriously they could just read all of my STC/RPN posts if they wanted to. I'm not getting into trouble online. All of my conversations and rps remain PG, PG-13. And I'm not stupid enough to go meet some stranger irl or go offsite to talk to them, just no, why would I do that? My parents take me for an idiot.

I use STC/RPN as a way to relieve stress and fill up the literal hours of free time I have every day. It's my creative outlet. It's my break from reality. My parents are fortunate enough to not be depressed/suicidal, but that also means they have NO idea how it works. Yes, I'm online all the time. No, that does not mean I'm okay with taking long breaks for no reason. Yes, I seem irritable and antisocial when I'm around my family. No, that does NOT mean the internet is the problem. I'm less happy when I'm forced to 'socialize' with people I've lived with for 14 years and I'm honestly sick of, how is that so hard to understand? My reality SUCKS, my everyday life is a literal hell. I'd much rather disappear into one of my fantasy worlds with people I actually like and things I can control than live in this purgatory of day after day of pointless suffering.
The people I talk to online are my friends. Tamriel is a great example of that. I feel like the people I know irl just don't give a crap about how much I'm struggling. At least some people on RPN are willing to listen to what I have to say. There are genuinely good people on this site, and talking to them has been good for me. Having somebody there to reassure me that I'm not a useless piece of trash has at least slightly improved my confidence. And for god's sake, I'm athazagoraphobic! I have the specific fear of being forgotten or ignored, so WHY the actual hell would you force me to spend extended periods of time being unable to reply to people?! I know others are more patient than I am but it still terrifies me to think that someone might be waiting for my response, or getting annoyed that I haven't replied, or even getting depressed because they think I ghosted them or some crap like that. I already have anxiety, just go ahead and make it worse, why don't ya?

Another one of my specific coping mechanisms is music. WELL, it's impossible to download every single song I listen to onto an mp3 player, and with the internet being shut off, I can't access youtube. I COULD write to relieve stress, but I prefer writing with someone/role-playing so I get serious writer's block while trying to write on my own. Writing takes an incredible amount of focus that I just don't have. I have the attention span of a freakin' goldfish. I could attempt to do art, but guess where I'll want to share said art when I'm done? Yep, THE INTERNET. I could talk to someone- INTERNET. I could watch netflix- nope, INTERNET. Hey, I could write some music! But I need to google something about this instrument- OH, WAIT.

When I'm talking to my family irl, you can bet I'm internally screaming obscenities and making sassy comments about whatever they say. I am SO sick of them acting like they can control me. Like excuse me woman, you do know I'm dangerously depressed and all of my coping mechanisms involve the internet, right? Yep, she knows, my mom just really doesn't give a crap. At this point I'm starting to think my mom WANTS me to commit suicide because of how she's been acting towards me. My younger siblings are much less difficult to deal with, after all.

And I'm sick of people acting like they understand depression. If you've never actually hated your life and wanted to die, IDGAC. No, Jimmy, just because your mommy took away your playstation for the weekend doesn't mean you're sooooo depressed. If your playstation was the ONLY thing that made you happy you didn't truly appreciate your life. At least you have a playstation, suck it up you privileged baby. Oh, somebody disliked your idiotic Facebook post? NOBODY CARES, KAREN. Just because one bad thing happened you do not have the right to say you're depressed. Depression often lingers for weeks, months, even years with no explaination. You don't know why, you just feel sad and useless all the time. You might be lonely, but also have zero confidence to go make new friends. You might want to die, but deep down you're too afraid to, so you just keep on living with the pain every. single. day. That's what depression is. It's not crying because your boyfriend broke up with you, it's breaking down randomly over little things because of all the pent-up stress, then not even having the energy to cry. You might feel good one day just to fall back into despair the next. It's a constant struggle.

*sigh* That's all for now.
If anyone actually read that, feel free to reply or PM me, idc.

 

[Kurotsuki]

I want to rp but none of my rp partners are online. I'm bored out of my mind. I've been stuck in my house for 4 months.

I'm just sitting here doing nothing or idly watching youtube/netflix ALL. DAY. while filled with anxious energy. I do have other hobbies but I have no motivation to do literally anything. I don't have the patience to do some of the stuff I want to do, even though I have plenty of time.
I also don't really exercise or move around that much. I'm a foot tapper etc. but I just don't move around a lot. I don't have the energy to because my sleep schedule is nonexistent.

Ugh I need to start some more rps or find something else to do

 

[Kurotsuki]

I've started rps with a few friends in different time zones. Now that my parents decided to disconnect the internet every night, I can't be online until like 7 AM my time. Around 2-6 AM is when most of my partners are usually online. I've got friends in Canada, Europe and all over the place and there's so. many. time differences. to keep track of.
I just want to be able to be online at the same time as my friendos and do some fast-paced rp ;-;

 

[Kurotsuki]

I'm starting to lose my concept of time at this point. How long have we been in quarantine? 4 MONTHS?! Jeez... I'd rather take my chances with the virus than be stuck in my house any longer. I've barely left my room for 4 months. My birthday is coming up soon, is that going to be spent all alone, locked up in my house as well? I want to see my friends...

 

[Kurotsuki]

Welp, time to buy a bunch of food and fandom merch to temporarily distract from the ever-approaching threat of death...

As soon as I get any money, I find something to spend it on. I can't save up. Long-term commitment and effort is the one thing I can't do. I want that t-shirt, that jewelry, that cosplay prop... I guess I'm a bit of a hoarder, I just collect things that make me happy. Or that remind me of happy times. More often than not, those memories turn sad. The happiness of long ago I can never reach again.. I have this feeling my story is a tragedy. A tragedy-comedy, perhaps? It's pretty funny, isn't it? One person suffering for seemingly no reason.

I think people like me are the gods' way to relieve stress. We all have something we do when we're stressed out, after all. We're just voodoo dolls, aren't we? We were made to be fatally flawed, so they could play with us for as long as they wanted. And then? They'll just throw us away, we'll die like everybody else. The extent of our patience is our limiter, it shows how much we can take before we snap. I must have an incredible amount of patience, then. I've been living with myself for years. And my stupid forgiving nature doesn't allow me to be mad when I have to be patient. That's why I can wait hours or days for somebody who might not even come back. I don't have any other choice. That's what the gods planned for me.

 

[Kurotsuki]

I know this is stupid and selfish, but honestly, every time I log on and see 0 notifications I die a little inside. The people online are my friends, my confidants, and my main source of joy and entertainment. After spending hours doing nothing and just waiting for something to happen, seeing someone reply to an rp actually makes me happy.

I kind of want to cry while writing this. I just logged on after hours of being away and saw absolutely no notifications on either of 2 rp sites. With me being extremely athazagoraphobic, it really hurts to come back to nothing. Is everyone busy? Do they hate me? Do they just not care? I try so hard to be patient but at times like these I really need to rp. I keep seeing my rp partners online for hours at a time, but they won't respond to me. And then I start to get depressed again, asking myself the aforementioned questions and watching for notifications.

I don't know what else to say. I just don't know what to do. There comes a point where you're too.. broken to cry. That's where I'm at now.

 

[Kurotsuki]

When someone just straight up says they don't want to rp... I know it's not my fault but I can't help feeling bad. I understand that people are busy or just not in the mood but.. I dunno. It's just so difficult to accept. When depression hits, it hits hard (slightly crying as I'm writing this).

Other people will tell you to suck it up. They're busy, who cares? But I'm desperate for a rp partner right now and being athazagoraphobic I hate people saying they don't have time for me. I don't know what I expect, but even one quick reply helps. And it's getting harder to find new partners, since hardly anybody rps Soul Eater anymore, and apparently no one likes my original plots.

I'm going to ask one of my offsite partners to rp. If they won't/can't I have no idea what I'm going to do now.

 

[Kurotsuki]

This is why I'm afraid of messaging people first. DM'd one of my partners and they just bluntly said no, they don't want to rp. Right after I told them I wasn't in a good place mentally and used the rp as a coping method. How much more heartless can you get? That's so insensitive. Could have at least said sorry or been more gentle about it. Some people are really fragile emotionally, and that just about shattered me.