vanilla hurt & other fun

[Sunbather]

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<div style="text-align:center;"><p><span style="font-size:12px;">hey. i kinda like to write every now and then. i'll post that here. mostly prose, song lyrics, poems, haikus and stuff like that. all feedback is welcome.</span></p></div>


<p> XVII - She Came From The Sewers Eros is a verb. That's what she had said. Over and over again. Eros is a verb. Over and over and over again. The eternal longing of the liquid gold, chaining matriarchal thoughts to cinnover brimstone. With malevolent purity, rhynestone covered eyelashes dream of small shadows. And they become predators... Sedating the closeness to a gently sleeping arrival. There is no dream. There is no life. Forever squirming inside the fire of what could've been. Kaleidoscopic eyes dampening at the glance of the mosaic scenery where treasures filled with promises and memories are buried in the dune's future. The trees are howling in grief, so souls be soothed into content, but reminders of the barren land are everywhere. They are inside the roaring flesh, occupying picture frames intended to be filled with their twin. Oh, knife-toting orchids, what can I bring? The dress and the shoes, covered underneath a layer of everything? Who knows if the soil comes alive again. "I miss his babyteeth..." she admitted, her voice trailing off.


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[Sunbather]

White Gloves


Time is broken and moves slow


'cause I don't have a sense of it


nor enemies nor friends to show


Jesus Christ and stained white gloves


I'm trying to medicate in solitude


they're missin' out on billion dollar institutes


in the middle of my evening one of


the twin suns is salivating all across horizon


Dissolve into the furniture my mother left behind


if she knew what they were carrying she'd be


so ashamed to see we're the same kind


right swipes, recalling memories and dreams


funny how all of us did the same things


at Coachella, just a little less pathetic


sedation is my drug and my dealer's in the cellar


motivated people seem to me like heretics

 

[Sunbather]

Baie de Douarnenez


I've laid my eyes on vast scenery


so green and so plush that my eyes cried its eternity


buried inside their ensemble, like


Friedrichshain's magic poured all visitors wine


deep, deep beneath the thicket where they cry


the birches hollow their bones and fill it with shine


Life buries itself in the middle of empty space


nothingness with harsh gusts fiddle around


in absence of prase-like green but plenty dust, only brown


and it roars through the core, where heat lingers forevermore


with nobody around we shed our clothes, gift it to thee


become one with the ground and lift our bravery, praises be


Resurrection with sheer beauty hidden deep


inside the seas, unclear and aloof, denying to be seen


and we yearn for our footsteps to imprint next to


the remains of old sailors in the wet earth's vow


so let us go, seize the sweetness and form a row


'round the belfry below where our slumber lies and dimly glows


Dreams so brittle, like sawdust in hardened cement


a city lacking repent, repels all our world represents


it is of no relevance, born in the white staircase or


a block of grey, as a miner of ore, no a doctor with a deathly incision


lacking all vision, the machines pipe away endlessly


the city claims all, the city claimed you and the city claimed me


But when we birth in reverse we return to our roots


become one with the gravel and fuel what children


will loot, flow like Nile and Havel


tie my boots for one last journey, because I've laid my eyes


on life burying itself and resurrect with sheer beauty


drawing me towards dreams oh so brittle and all that is holy

 

[Sunbather]

Southern Photography


Wandering in the marshes, I find your beautiful soul


there is so much room to grow, especially for you


like a light flickering, hoping to be seen by the passersby.


as you roam you feel lost in desire to ignite


cannot touch you, waiting, 'til I, too, know how to burn


but wherever I turn, permission for nothing but to yearn


I seek you even in the harshest of forms


so that your warmth I can forever adore


now I can't work 'cause my hands are forever bruised


the irony is, I lost things to loose


and I watch the imprints of your assurance


it is stained in the ceiling


what wondrous occurance, love


I hate these feelings


*drowns in pity and cheese*

 

[SkyGinge]

Time to put some of my newly acquired poetic knowledge into use!


So the first thing to remember in poetry is that you're still writing sentences, for the most part, just sentences arrange across lines in a different way for poetic affect. The majority of this does not read in coherent sentences bur rather snatches of poetic-sounding phrases, which makes it generally disjointed - it's a common mistake for budding poets, but completely decimates any flow you might be going for, alongside any underlining meaning as it's hard to piece things together. Grammatically too, you need to decide whether you're capitalising the starts of sentences or not - that's what the old poets always used to do, but I got told off by my creative writing tutor for doing so as apparently everybody who wrote like that is dead (which prompted the guy next to me to lean over and say 'You're next! ') and now your capital letters should just follow sentence grammar like usual.


At the moment, my advise generally would be this: read over your poetry very hard and discern why exactly you've chosen to do everything you've chosen to do. The collection of three rhymes in the middle, for example - were they there just because they sounded nice? Or do you know what narrative affect they're actually achieving? For me at the moment, this has some nice ideas, but everything is being marred by attempting to sound poetic without understanding of what actually makes poetry poetic.

 

[Sunbather]

attempting to sound poetic without understanding of what actually makes poetry poetic.

While I appreciate the feedback overall, I'd love to hear what objectively makes poetry poetic.


Also I actually genuinely don't know why I fuck up the capitalization. I know it's either or, but yeah. *shrugs in confusion*

 

[Dusky]

While I appreciate the feedback overall, I'd love to hear what objectively makes poetry poetic.

Depends on what exactly one thinks poetry is.


I am of the opinion that poetry is the practice of condensation. You're taking a concept, some message you want to convey, and trying to force it, with all of its nuance, all of its implications, all of its beauty, into a few lines. Poetry isn't about the words themselves, not really, so interesting words and phrases that look great together, or aren't seen very often, or rhyme, or what-have-you, can be commendable, but they don't add substance unless there's a strong and genuine reason to say those exact words and not any others. So a poem that is poetic is a poem whose words, from start to finish, (with the exceptions of "the" and "a" and other such grammatical necessities) are chosen deliberately, always conscious of why that is the best word that could be used for any given poem.


But these are only my thoughts, and they should be taken as such, not as fact. Even though it's pretty cringey when people say "Your criticism is invalid because art is subjective!"


EDIT: I'd like to add that as with anything, there's no such thing as a perfect product and obviously most poems, even great poems, aren't going to adhere to this 100%.

 

[Sunbather]

Depends on what exactly one thinks poetry is.
I am of the opinion that poetry is the practice of condensation. You're taking a concept, some message you want to convey, and trying to force it, with all of its nuance, all of its implications, all of its beauty, into a few lines. Poetry isn't about the words themselves, not really, so interesting words and phrases that look great together, or aren't seen very often, or rhyme, or what-have-you, can be commendable, but they don't add substance unless there's a strong and genuine reason to say those exact words and not any others. So a poem that is poetic is a poem whose words, from start to finish, (with the exceptions of "the" and "a" and other such grammatical necessities) are chosen deliberately, always conscious of why that is the best word that could be used for any given poem.


But these are only my thoughts, and they should be taken as such, not as fact. Even though it's pretty cringey when people say "Your criticism is invalid because art is subjective!"

That's pretty well explained. Wether that is true or not, I can use that for sure. Thanks.

 

[SkyGinge]

Grey and Dusk would probably have better ways of putting it, but to my understanding, poetry is basically the art of encapsulating a moment (or a story, in the case of longer works) within a form where you more actively manipulate some stuff you don't often do in prose, for example, such as white space, the 'shape' of the poem through line sizes and flows, the 'breaths'/pauses of each line ending, rhythm and sound (though these do come into prose, they find their more natural home in poetry). Metaphor often plays a part in poetry, though it's not essential; other than that, Dusky ninja'd me in that poetry is normally seen as the art of brevity, of expressing what you want to in as brief way as possible (and I endorse everything else she's said too )

 

[Sunbather]

Grey and Dusk would probably have better ways of putting it, but to my understanding, poetry is basically the art of encapsulating a moment (or a story, in the case of longer works) within a form where you more actively manipulate some stuff you don't often do in prose, for example, such as white space, the 'shape' of the poem through line sizes and flows, the 'breaths'/pauses of each line ending, rhythm and sound (though these do come into prose, they find their more natural home in poetry). Metaphor often plays a part in poetry, though it's not essential; other than that, Dusky ninja'd me in that poetry is normally seen as the art of brevity, of expressing what you want to in as brief way as possible (and I endorse everything else she's said too )

Well, but see, with the brief argument, I can live, because that's a rather specific attribute (though there are terribly long poems, just saying. ) but encapsulating a moment or manipulating prose with certain things... That is really just so terribly subjective, it's not something I feel you will find in everything I find to be successful at doing that, you know? And vice versa, of course. 'cause like, when I write poetry, I do look out for these things, but you won't necessarily see these things the way I do. Just like metaphors. I'm a terribly flowery writer, and I don't even want to be, but I am, and I use metaphors probably way too much.


Anyways, I appreciate the response. Communication is key in broadening one's horizon. I would, however, like to say that this isn't strictly a poetry thread. It does say prose. White Gloves and Baie de Douarnenez, I wrote wanting to write poetry in the sense of... well, abiding by the rules of what constitues a poem. The other (and future stuff may as well) two are as much open mic night's spoken word musings or song lyrics or whatever. Just for future reference.

 

[SkyGinge]

When I was discussing the features stuff, I was merely highlighting that they are a part of what distinguishes poetry from prose - that doesn't mean that they become a focal point necessarily, but something else to consider alongside the stuff you usually pay especial heed to in standard prose. Hence it's not really a matter of subjectivity at all as I was only pointing out these distinguishing formal differences. What poetry is not is words written with occasionally unusual grammar and order, long words, needless ambiguities and forced rhyme. I'm not saying that this is what you're doing per say, but I'm just talking generally about the misconceptions I (subjectively) find people to have when poetry is brought up (and just to clarify, my response was purely in reaction to the most recent submission). Then again, I'm a terrible poet so I don't feel particularly well equipped to lecture on it, mind xD And don't worry about the metaphors - at the very least, you'll find an audience with me, a guy who also perhaps overindulges in them :')

 

[Sunbather]

When I was discussing the features stuff, I was merely highlighting that they are a part of what distinguishes poetry from prose - that doesn't mean that they become a focal point necessarily, but something else to consider alongside the stuff you usually pay especial heed to in standard prose. Hence it's not really a matter of subjectivity at all as I was only pointing out these distinguishing formal differences. What poetry is not is words written with occasionally unusual grammar and order, long words, needless ambiguities and forced rhyme. I'm not saying that this is what you're doing per say, but I'm just talking generally about the misconceptions I (subjectively) find people to have when poetry is brought up (and just to clarify, my response was purely in reaction to the most recent submission). Then again, I'm a terrible poet so I don't feel particularly well equipped to lecture on it, mind xD And don't worry about the metaphors - at the very least, you'll find an audience with me, a guy who also perhaps overindulges in them :')

Ah, I misunderstood that then. Yes, of course they aren't necessarily the focal point rather than a part of the whole. Though I have to disagree with you on certain things. For example, needless ambiguities and forced rhymes. Of course something isn't poetry just because someone strings forced rhymes together and is very vague. But poetry is not NOT poetry because it is opaque or rhymes. Since you explicitly speak about the latest one (which by no means I'm trying to make out as the greatest thing ever, don't worry. But I also don't want to say "yeah right" when it's... well, not right. Or at least I do not see how it is right at the moment.) it is not needlessly unclear, but exactly as clear as I wanted it to be. And I assure you most people I have read it to or simply shown them have gotten almost exactly as much of what's going as I wanted to articulate. And forced rhymes... I kind of have an issue with that. How is it a forced rhyme when I get to say what I wished to say? Sure, I could word it differently. But if it carries the same content and rhymes, why not choose that? That's something I hear often, and I don't even mean in regards to my work but in general, and I find it a little ignorant because, ultimately, when the message is said how is it a forced rhyme, you know what I mean?

 

[Sunbather]

Dreams of a Fair Sun (Just a shitty little song I wrote a bit ago for a one time gig thing)


i starved myself till I could feed off your suffering


now I need to fall on someone who's not real to me


another future goner I can cycle through next


who talks me out of takin mom off my contacts


the taste of stale coffee and encouragment


the compliments never consider what's real


"don't make scary faces" is all I can recall


"even he has his merit" that's what you said


and I cannot help


but doubt it is true


i hope when you're turning on your TV


your reflection hates you too


and I hope that you feel the lack of warmth


like it trickles through the screen


i wanna see you sit in silence


holding onto yourself


and I hope that you weep and that you wilt


and that nothing ever changes


and that nothing ever changes


and that nothing ever changes


till you take yourself away from me too