JokerValentine
We Out
Today marks two years on RPN, and is my tradition, I want to give thanks and reflect on my year. I know I wrote a lot, but I beg you all to read the whole thing. I know that some of the sections might be more palatable than others, but if the goal of this post is to recount my last year in its entirety, then so be it. I spent a long time thinking about how to summarize the year, and this seemed to be the best way. So without a further adieu, let's begin.
In conclusion, the year was a mixed bag, but I have more to say about the great times and people than the bad times. I’m honored to be able to dedicate my time to recount the great memories of so many. I'm hopeful you can tell me what you think below. Here's to moving on to year three!
- Introduction
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Two years ago to the day, I made a decision to join RPN. Most of you know the story by this point, but for those that don’t, I was in role-play retirement prior. I didn’t have any passion to create, any confidence, just bad associations with it. Two years ago I posted in the Introductions forum, not really sure if I was going to stay or not. Hell, maybe just for a week or so. I got a handful of replies to it, nothing really out of the ordinary. My first RP was a one-paragraph zombie survival one. My first character was Jack Valentine, a shifty dude without a personality. It was in that first character I started to grow, and I find myself here, two years later, in a better spot than I was before.
And here I am, writing another one of these long thank-you’s. I saw a few more of these recently, written just as kind-hearted as I’d ever want mine to be. I didn’t invent this, nor do I think I caused people to want to write these. It makes me mighty glad, however, to see others reaching out to their friends, and thanking them truthfully and honestly. I’ve found, however, that with these posts, I ought to add a bit more than thanks. I want to chronicle my growth, so I can look back on it all and say “that person helped me through the years” or “look at how I grew as a writer and as a friend!” It’s the equivalent of notching lines in the wall to track growth. I know I’m not a good writer, but I’m getting better every time I write one of these down for all to see, and every time I can think of more and more people who have touched my life. That’s all that matters.
- How The Year Went
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I want to talk about my year as a whole, both on-site and off. I’ve had a generally great year. I graduated high-school, and am now attending college out of state. It’s been hard to say goodbye to some of my old friends, but it’s been a blast to make new ones here. It’s a change of scenery too, and boy am I refreshed! I’m more free, yet more responsible. That much is a blessing. I’m going to be a triple major in two fields of archaeology (Mediterranean and Environmental), as well as mathematics, and will probably officially declare in a month or so. I know it sounds like a lot, and trust me it is, but I love it all so very much. I know everyone hates on math, and that's fine, I just love it. I guess I just have such a passion for learning, and too much free time. While at college, and it’s fairly recent, I met a girl that I’ve grown to sorta like. She doesn’t attend my college, but she’s someone I’m slowly getting to love more and more. I just hope she reads this and knows I’m talking about her. She’ll have to, honestly, she’s already tagged. I'm not very good with Valentines Day gifts, so hopefully she'll appreciate it!
I am now going to discuss how life's been for me in general on-site. Before I begin, I have this feeling i need to get off my chest. What I have to say about certain things here, it's honest sentiment. I feel that the people who read this have a right to know how I actually feel, and if it puts me in some sort of bad standing with others, those would prefer I only speak of happy things, I am not entirely regretful. On-site, and I’ll be painfully honest, it’s been up and down for me this past year. Those who have the pleasure of knowing me, talking to me, or listening to me, know that I’ll get routinely frustrated. I see a lot of people sad, down on themselves, lacking the confidence to try new things or to leave shitty situations. Maybe they’re helpless and can’t, I don’t know. it honestly takes a toll on me to see people who have a chronic sense of not being good enough, or not wanting to try. I had an outpouring of frustration put into a post in the creativity section as a result. I know that for every failure I’ve had- rejected characters, site applications, or role-plays I’ve attended failing- it’s affected me. I talk a lot about getting the positives out of it, but even then there’s always going to be that nagging soreness I feel. A bruised ego, to say the least. That’s the hard part about growth, however. You fail, but you survive.
This is not addressed to anyone in particular, but the concept of writing a post filled with nothing but positives, nothing but “I have nothing but the happiest of feelings here, I love everything,” it's just not who I am. Positivity is so infectious, and I love it to death, but as I said before, I want to give you the fullest picture of my year as I can, and that includes the negatives. I love the site, and I love being here. Sometimes it can be hard to have an entire and fulfilling sense of passion.
I think the biggest negative I learned about myself this year that I can really supply, is that the spark I had when I first joined isn't the same as it originally was. That's not always a bad thing, though. I think it can demonstrate growth or acclimitiuzation, but also there's a lack of blind passion. You get used to things, you get tired of things, and you change as a person over time. I can’t say every happening here sat well with me with a straight face. I can’t, because it’s a lie if i said so. I will avoid saying what specifically, as I consider it unprofessional. There have been some rough patches this year, moments where I was beyond frustrated and upset, and thankfully I’m getting through them thanks to you guys. I’m always cognizant to remind myself that it’s because of the support of my friends I have. I’m very thankful. To interact with great people every day, to have fun, to create, you are the reason I wrote this, you are the reason I've made it this far, you're the reason I'm me.
- The Highlight Reel
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I think, on that note, that I realize that I’ve had so many wonderful experiences. I have a ton of happy experiences that have made this year absolutely fantastic for me. Red Hood Society, a role-play I was in, was the first RP in which I truly enjoyed most of the people in it, as well as their characters. I got a few great friends out of it too, and that enough means the world to me. With another project I’d like to mention, Rivercrest, I had an absolute blast. I wish it lasted longer than it did, but I’ve never seen such a beautiful chat, filled with people who cared so much about their characters and craft. That sparked in me what role-play was all about. It wasn’t some award you win, some comments that tell you how great of a writer you are. It’s about having fun, being someone other than yourself, and making people feel something.
I joined another role-play some time ago, and it’s been an absolute staple of mine. Natural Selection is a sort of DND-like campaign I’ve been in for nearly a year, I feel. It was something I never truly tried, but I’m glad I did. Doing so helped me grow to try new things. I mean, I never thought playing as a calm priest, then a brutal tyrant, and in the near future a neutral wizard could EVER be as fun as it has been! I got to make a few great friends out of it as well, people I respect as great conversationalists, banter enthusiasts, and kind souls who’ve done their part to help me grow. I’m very happy to have been named a co-GM on the project recently, and I truly hope it lasts long! Lastly, I want to talk about a project I co-owned known as Versipolis. I don’t want to talk too much about my co-GM, though not just because she smells, but because I’ll have more to say a bit later. The project was a mild success. I’ve had a lot of passion and using what I’ve learned to better my skills as a GM and as a creator. I’ve contemplated introducing dice, having it be truly difficult with an HP system, and a few other things. It’s been over a year since my last project. I’m very glad to say that this one, at least, was entirely original thing that my co-GM and I came up with over a few long nights of voice chat. Unfortunately, it came to a close recently due to a myriad of schoolwork and scheduling issues, but I can brag in saying that our cast, from top to bottom, is the type of squad you see on an All-Star roster. You had writing challenge winners, veteran roleplayers, and even a person who managed to complete an entire campaign! Unheard of.
- What I've Learned
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I want to use what little interest everyone might have in reading this to reflect on a thing or two I learned this year. I see people who feel they lack the skill they have, and I see people who will feel themselves to be the best out there. Sometimes, by design or not, the latter come off as elitist, intangible, and rather skilled. I learned that, although it’s totally fine to dismiss someone’s idea, plot, character, whatever, it’s not the best thing you can do for them. I’ve learned to appreciate those who don’t agree with me, and they tell me what they feel. I’ve been appreciative of the people who don’t just outright reject my idea or character, they tell me how they feel it could be improved. We improve by welcoming feedback, and seeing things from a different perspective. But then again, never be ashamed to even try. Trying and failing is better than never trying at all. I learned to never feel pressured to turn the opportunity too create down, or hand it off to someone else to do, because what matters is heart and soul in the end.
I talked a little bit earlier about being frustrated. As some people can attest, my frustrations can sometimes take the forms of incoherent rants, much to the dismay and shame of others. It's not something I'm proud of, in all honesty. I'm learning to conduct myself better. I think my posts in Creativity were a good reflection of that. For one, when I lost a friend of sorts recently, I took to writing. When I saw someone doing something that was so upsetting, I wrote it down. When a few people on another site were implementing a system I found repulsive, I took to writing. Of course, writing took the form of things that were not bashful, were not cruel or mean, but they were uplifting and constructive. I feel that's what I need to do, to not burden others so vehemently and so often, but instead give myself some pause and write it out. Maybe even making characters the very manifestation of my sentiment could be of help too! Grow your wheat in the field, and not raze it to the earth.
- Thank-you's (part I)
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The one thing that’s never changed for me is my appreciation of friends and supporters of my projects. They’ve been there for me on bad days, and have been there to celebrate the good ones. They’ve gotten to know me in the way that I get to know them. I’d be nothing without them to write with me, cheer me up, voice chat, tell me about their day, or laugh at some of the dumb jokes I’ve made (or sometimes be the only ones to get them at all). They’re the greatest things I can ever achieve, friendships with them. I’ll never get anything more fulfilling than that. I have a few things to say to a couple of the special people. Some will have more length than others, but please don’t take it personally. I would rather give few honest words than many empty ones.
To
Zer0
ONI
CrimsonEclipse
Raku
StoneWolf18
Cheshire Grin
spectro
FireFlare
@commodore 64: I’m very thankful for each of you for bearing with Versipolis. I’m glad to have had dedicated and talented writers to interact and write posts with. I’m grateful for the advice you’ve given, things you’ve taught me, the witty banter we’ve had, and although our time was short, it was fun to me. I’m hoping you all have a great year, and here’s to killing those dang dolmen (or humans, whichever you prefer).
To
Anaxileah
Alstromeria
Crumbli
Luckz
Javax
Federoff
Melanin-Gxdess
: Being a part of Natural Selection has been a total joy. It’s made me very happy to interact or to have interacted with each and every one of you. I enjoyed the good times, and mulled the bad times. I want to say I enjoy the creative writers you all are, and keep getting better.
To
Axeykins
Moolock
Error404RealityFailed
: A thank you has long been overdue for both of you. I’m very happy to have had the opportunity to do role-plays with both of you, and I honestly hope there are more in the future in store. Hell, by the time I put this up, maybe we will be!
To:
Arael
Bellz
Rhaine
: I can’t stress it enough how much fun Rivercrest was. I was so happy about having banter on the daily, and feeling like I was my character. It’s just… wow. I have never even done a romance subplot either, and it was working out quite well for me. I actually felt for Addison when I wrote. I sure hope that wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, you’re all doing quite well.
To
norway
Dibbydoo
@Chili
Nap
MarinesThePsychoticReaper
@flowiestfire
Quillicious
Cinder_Rabbit
Comet
aergie
soular
Kestrel
Meredith
PanOtterPus
ekoutrakos
: I didn’t get to roleplay in any group projects with you in the past year. I want to say thanks for being great people and friends. I’ve been more than happy to get to know you all much better, have fun or deep conversations. Whether it’s been calling you ”egg,” being there for the art, not knowing who the Winter Soldier was, getting in heated rap battles, reading fanfiction, or anything in-between, those small moments mean so much to me. I’m glad to have shared great individual moments with you this year.
To everyone I forgot to mention: I’m sorry. I have trouble remembering good things sometimes. Please don’t take it as an offense or a sleight. I’m glad to everyone who’s been there for me this year, and even if it were just a word or two, and even if I can’t remember it, in that moment you made me happy. To quote someone close to me, you made me do a happy dance. Thank you.
- Thank-you's (part II)
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This is the part in the program where I thank a few people in particular and personally.
To @meraki: You’re as kind as can be. You’ve been there in so many projects, and that enough shows that we’re cut from the same cloth. I don’t want you to cry, please don’t. If anyone was going to cry, it was going to be me that time you ABANDONED me ;-;. No, but for real, the way you’re always happily greeting me, and the way you’re honest about you feel is truly something irreplaceable. I love the way in which you’re so often hyper, but when it comes to seriousness, you’re unmatched at being honest. Every project or writing I’ve done, you’ve supported me. Every time you find a RP you might like, you send it to me. Every time I felt the need to talk to you, you answered. Even the way you offer to give me BBCode as a thank you, even if I’ll probably fuck it up so bad that I create a wormhole and send us back in time, to even give me anything is amazing. As I neared the posting of this long tale, I had one more thing to say to you. You winning the Member of the Month was one of the happiest moments of the year, easily. You deserve it wholeheartedly, and I mean it. I'm proud of you for who you are, and I'm honored to be able to write this about you, not just because you're a Member of the Month winner, but the fact that you're one of the best coders and creators I know. Don’t change, Meraki/Crucialstar.
To
Morgrim
: It’s not often to be a part of a role-play I never had any understanding of. I totally walked into NS without a clue, as I’ve never done this before. Well, I sorta did it once via VC, and it didn’t go well. The point is, I’ve grown to love this project. I’m very happy to have been named as a co-GM by the two of you. I’ve learned how to play characters I’ve never quite learned to play before, and I’m genuine in my thanks. It’s opened up a whole new realm of possibilities for me to RP. Riglov too has grown on me a bit, even though he was hardly my creation. I sorta just stepped into his shoes. I’m not quite sure if it’s a good thing to be interested in a psycho tyrant, but nonetheless, the fun times we’ve had up until this point, whether in chat or on VC, are memorable to me. Getting to know you has been rad, so long as it was in that family-friendly way. But either way, thanks for letting me into the RP, and making me your co-GM. It means a lot to me.
To
McMajestic
: We haven’t talked as much as we once did, but we are no further apart I PROMISE! I am so impressed to hear of every little victory you’ve achieved in your personal life. Every little thing you told me about your successes about debate, it made me feel proud for you. Every moment I got to spend with you on a role-play was cherished. I’m so sorry school had to get in the way of your time on RPN, but we all need to make sacrifices. You’re making the right one, and you’ll never warrant my anger for not talking to me. You’re a smart kid, Mcmajestic, and you’re always impressive to me. Keep up with the schoolwork, and I hope you return to a normal sort of schedule soon. Or else I might have to get Addison/Zach to go and get you. But for real, Mc, you’ve always been a close friend of mine since the first role-play I joined here. You’re someone special. For me to not post about you would be like me ignoring you forever. You've been such a positive influence on me, and you're always a joy to talk to and hang out with digitally. We ought to get back into the swing of things very soon, roleplay-wise. But for now, thank you for being awesome.
To
Malice Queen
: I can’t think of a single positive thing that wouldn’t apply to one of the greatest of people to affect my life in recent memory. Kind, compassionate, understanding, funny, intelligent, advocative, so many things. You were there for me in RHS, you were there for me on Amino, you were there for me in my lightest and darkest of hours for the entire year. You were there when I was happy, you were there when I was disappointed in others, and you were there when I was disappointed in myself. You’ve been my shrink, my lawyer, my counselor, and above all, dare I say it, you’ve been my best friend. Whether it’s pulling common threads of frustration, chatting the night away about games and plans and dreams and essays, I’ve had very few people I can do that with. You’re a golden sun that fills the void of loneliness in my life the way only a best friend can. I can’t think of many who I would be so privileged to claim to be worthy of an RPN Member of the Month nod, if it were up to me.
But what I have to best recount you for is Versipolis. I’ve never have had a project that I was so proud of, and I didn’t even do all of the work. Hell, it didn't even last more than three pages, but I judge its success based on the following. When you weren’t writing, your were giving ideas. We had a special chemistry on this project that I say rivals anything out there. It seems that whatever you’re interested in roleplay-wise, I am, and vice-versa. Not entirely, however, and our differences are nothing but uniquenesses. When Versipolis neared the end, I nearly made an awful decision. I thought about asking for another GM to run things, and had the ere premonition of questioning your ability as a leader. That was by far the lowest I ever sank, for many reasons. It was a terrible thought, and I am so glad I got to my senses and never asked.
There was this video game I saw recently, by the people who made To The Moon, Finding Paradise. In the end, there was a profound quote I wanted to share with you. In the end of the game, the protagonist talks about if he has any regrets. He simply says "They made way for all that I do have, and I what I do have… I wouldn’t trade for anything else in the world.” I have regrets that Versipolis didn’t last as long as I wanted, but if this game taught me anything, it’s that to have things have any meaning, you have to accept that they’re dead. To paraphrase the game further, there was this scene where one character had this to say: "good things come to an end, so that the memories they leave behind are god things to reflect on." You realize how much you loved them and love the people you worked with them on when they fail. I realize now that for Versipolis to close isn’t a failure, it’s a success. It’s a success in seeing how much you truly matter to me. It’s a testament firmly cemented that you and I did great things together, and that for me to have felt something about it all is a beautiful thing. It goes down as a project we did, and we had fun with, and we succeeded. I got to know you, as a creator as a friend. Nunali, you’ve been the one to keep me going in my toughest days. Thank you.
To
MermaidShireen
: To end this entire speech, I have to address one last person. I spent a good moment to pause and think about what I was going to say. It’s hard to be speechless, because the way you’ve affected me isn’t seen so clearly by everyone. Getting to know you has opened up a new path in my life. You’re a shining star now in the heavens, something I look up to and feel ever so thankful for. A beautiful face and soul, and someone who, for the first time, I can’t talk about in great detail. It’s not because you have me spellbound, but the feelings I’ve gained for you in the past few weeks are best kept between us. For what I can allow the public to bear witness to, your grace, artistry, and interests compel me in the greatest of ways. Your giggle rings in my ears too, the way a church bell lulls a town to sleep. I am getting to know you more and more, Shireen, and it’s been beautiful. The way you make my heart skip a beat, just thinking about what could be, it’s exciting. I’m glad to call you something special to me, my special mermaid. I can only hope that for us, the only way is up, and we may never look down as we climb. Thanks for a great year, Shireen. I love you.
In conclusion, the year was a mixed bag, but I have more to say about the great times and people than the bad times. I’m honored to be able to dedicate my time to recount the great memories of so many. I'm hopeful you can tell me what you think below. Here's to moving on to year three!
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