The Alchemist and The Bandit King

[Uncle ShortyB]

"You know, for someone who claims to know the dark secrets in the hearts of men, you're really easy to trick." The first of the men said happily, finishing up an apple and tossing the core at the head of the other. The second man sighed and batted the core out of the air. "I fail to see how your opinion of my gullibility has anything to do with the fact that we're currently stuck together in the depths of this dungeon without any means of escape and hardly enough food for the rest of the day." The second man replied, scratching his chin with one hand and staring glumly at the stone wall ahead of him. "You're not much of an alchemist, yeah? You've got all this stuff around you, and you're just staring at the wall and moping. Come on, there's got to be something you can think of man! I'm not gettin' any younger just sitting around with you." The first man replied, gesturing grandly around the cramped cell. The second man sighed again and glared at the wall ahead of him. "I don't know why I'm surprised the king of all bandits is such an unpleasant person. You'd think I'd be more than steeled against your quirks but I'm still finding myself growing increasingly annoyed just looking at you. Now you think, "man", there's got to be something you could do to help. Kill yourself, maybe. I could always eat your corpse and see if that'd keep me around enough to get out of here." The alchemist droned, still glaring at the wall as if it was going to do something.


The Bandit King sighed and leaned against a different wall. "He's not all that perceptive, for a wise man. You'd think he'd have at least looked around him a little bit but apparently you'd be wrong. Eh, he'll figure it out eventually." The alchemist resumed staring glumly at the wall, and the bandit king continued to pester him. After some time the bandit king yawned loudly and declared he was going to take a nap, not that the alchemist listened to his rambling. The king scrabbled his hand against the wall for a knob, found it, and stepped out into the rest of his castle, sliding the hidden door shut behind him. One of his employees, a short man named Jephery that the king affectionately called Mike, bustled up to him. "Any progress, sir? Has he figured it out at all? He's bound to have gotten out. You were just cleaning up the cell to test the next applicant, right?" Jephery said in a hushed voice, gesturing towards the elaborately decorated freestanding cell in the middle of the bandit king's great hall. "No, Mike, he hasn't figured it out. I don't think we'll need to interview anyone else. Go get me two steins of ale and some steaks. I think it's high time my new accountant and I had some dinner." Jephery scrambled off towards the kitchens while the bandit king snuck back back into the false cell.


"If you're still interested in the job, you've got it." The bandit king said cheerfully, leaning against the door to the outside. The alchemist laughed loudly and turned to face the bandit king for the first time since they entered the cell together. "We're both in here, facing inevitable death by means of neglect and starvation, and you're offering me a job as your accountant?! I thought you were just a little slow before, but now I'm convinced you're a complete and utter moron. What's next, you'll tell me there's food waiting for us when we get out of here? There's some sort of secret door I don't know about? Gods you're dense. I can't believe I'm stuck in here with you." The alchemist snapped, slowly rising to his feet. The bandit king laughed loudly and nodded enthusiastically. "You got it! You have such a weird amount of focus on what you're currently doing that I knew you'd be perfect for the position. Now, come on, we've got some steaks waiting for us while we discuss your salary." The bandit king laughed again and opened the door to the rest of his castle, stepping out into the great hall with a sputtering alchemist following behind.

 

[Grey]

Sounds like a larf. Bit, hrm... clumsy, in places? First man/second man stuff always bugs me, though - you could use descriptors based on their appearance, give them a little more character. It can also make the dialogue less ponderous.


The Jephery (fantasy Geoffrey?) being called Mike thing is a bit too silly, for me.


Oh hang on, you didn't ask for feedback. I'll stop there. Sorry.

 

[Uncle ShortyB]

No, it's cool. Thanks for the feedback man! I was just dicking around and came up with that, figured I'd post it and so on.

 

[Tom-Pen]

If you're interested in feedback, as some are, not all of course, I would say that maybe you should avoid describing the whole situation or scene in one sentence. Reference: "I fail to see how your opinion of my gullibility has anything to do with the fact that we're currently stuck together in the depths of this dungeon without any means of escape and hardly enough food for the rest of the day."


I would recommend letting the description of the situation or scene come out in pieces, a little bit here and there if you follow my meaning. The ending is also a little disappointing, though I can't really explain why so I won't say more on that.


All in all I think your writing itself is pretty good, but your story on the other hand, well lets just say it could use a little work. This is all just my opinion though, so take what you will from it and I wish you the best of luck on your future writing endeavors.