Tom-Pen
Mysterious Writer
Preface: This is the beginning, of the beginning, to a story I am working on. What do you think? Anything you didn't like? Anything you liked? Can you figure out what is going on sort of at this point? Are you totally lost? I don't expect you to completely know what is going on, but I hope you have a general sense of what is happening.
Starting Over...
"I remember when I was little I used to look up to the stars and dream about what it might be like to be out there, to be out beyond the grasp of reality."
"What do you mean by 'beyond the grasp of reality,' Gavin?
"I mean to be outside the realm of what we know. To be somewhere we don't understand, somewhere we haven't been before."
"And why do you want that?"
"I don't know."
"You don't know Gavin?"
"No, I don't."
"Come now, surly you know why you want that?"
"But I don't; I don't know why I want it, I just know I do."
"Okay, I think we have enough then. Thank you Gavin."
"Thank you."
Gavin left the room...
Back in the hall the other were still sitting where they had been when he had left; they were all in a row, uniformed, both in manner and dress, all awaiting their turn. He went to his seat among them, and, just as he sat another stood. Gavin watched the boy approach the door; he walked up to it without any hesitation, then he opened it and went into the room. The door closed behind him with a quiet click.
Gavin wished that he had done that, gone on right up to that door without hesitation, but he hadn't, he had paused halfway from his chair to the door. He had been nervous, so he hesitated; he felt like he was going to suffocate, so he had paused to take in a gasp of air. The rest of the boys had seen him do it. He was the only one, all the rest did like the last had just done. Gavin noticed the cameras over the door, and then he knew; they had seen him pause, they had seen him hesitate.
'I failed...'
After several minutes the boy returned, though he did not go back to his seat, Instead he stopped in the middle of the hall and turned toward the right, then in a loud hoarse sort of voice yelled to the boys seated,
"Line up!" All of the boys, Gavin included, obeyed. They all stood up and walked to the middle of the hall where they lined up behind the boy who had given the order; none of the boys broke from unison. Once they were all lined up, without looking back, the same boy called out again.
"Forward, march!" Once the order had been sounded, immediately, the line of boys began to march on down the hall, backs straight, shoulders wide, and steps tight.
End...
So, did you pick up on the basic idea here? Do you get that Gavin is at an interview for something? That he is competing for a spot, against the other boys? Do you get that he is worried about failing? If so, great! If not, how could I make it clearer, without simply stating it?
Starting Over...
"I remember when I was little I used to look up to the stars and dream about what it might be like to be out there, to be out beyond the grasp of reality."
"What do you mean by 'beyond the grasp of reality,' Gavin?
"I mean to be outside the realm of what we know. To be somewhere we don't understand, somewhere we haven't been before."
"And why do you want that?"
"I don't know."
"You don't know Gavin?"
"No, I don't."
"Come now, surly you know why you want that?"
"But I don't; I don't know why I want it, I just know I do."
"Okay, I think we have enough then. Thank you Gavin."
"Thank you."
Gavin left the room...
Back in the hall the other were still sitting where they had been when he had left; they were all in a row, uniformed, both in manner and dress, all awaiting their turn. He went to his seat among them, and, just as he sat another stood. Gavin watched the boy approach the door; he walked up to it without any hesitation, then he opened it and went into the room. The door closed behind him with a quiet click.
Gavin wished that he had done that, gone on right up to that door without hesitation, but he hadn't, he had paused halfway from his chair to the door. He had been nervous, so he hesitated; he felt like he was going to suffocate, so he had paused to take in a gasp of air. The rest of the boys had seen him do it. He was the only one, all the rest did like the last had just done. Gavin noticed the cameras over the door, and then he knew; they had seen him pause, they had seen him hesitate.
'I failed...'
After several minutes the boy returned, though he did not go back to his seat, Instead he stopped in the middle of the hall and turned toward the right, then in a loud hoarse sort of voice yelled to the boys seated,
"Line up!" All of the boys, Gavin included, obeyed. They all stood up and walked to the middle of the hall where they lined up behind the boy who had given the order; none of the boys broke from unison. Once they were all lined up, without looking back, the same boy called out again.
"Forward, march!" Once the order had been sounded, immediately, the line of boys began to march on down the hall, backs straight, shoulders wide, and steps tight.
End...
So, did you pick up on the basic idea here? Do you get that Gavin is at an interview for something? That he is competing for a spot, against the other boys? Do you get that he is worried about failing? If so, great! If not, how could I make it clearer, without simply stating it?
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