Story Spark of Hope (The Novel)

[Sir Fungus]

Authors note: Now, this is my first time writing something story related like a book or creepypasta etc. So I’d appreciate some constructive critisicm if possible on what I could do better. Without further ado, Let’s begin.

 

[Sir Fungus]

Prologue:​

when man-kind had finally developed the ability

to travel into different galaxies within the ever expanding universe, a small expedition group from the planet Kepler-22b (Or second earth to put it simply), took off into the edge of the universes center to hopefully find a habital world with other life on it. All the other star systems proved unsuccessful of habiting life other than humanity. But this group would be known to have discovered other organisms than themselves.​

A Bright red world with purple water, a blue sun, red grass and trees. An entirely habital world with bizarre colors. When they landed, they were Immediately swarmed by creatures ripped straight out of a fantasy book. Elves, this race itself was not on its own, but rather separated by different ‘Clans’ of elves, some colored light shades of violet, others a more yellow color and more with tan skin and black colored eyes. Dwarves, this alone was a strange race, they looked to be nothing more than mere men the size of children, The only other destinquished figure was their natural ability to be immune to one thing that can melt Entire cities. Lava, they were chugging the magma substance almost as if it was water, this proved to be extraordinary to the race of man as they continued their examinations. Goblins, not very many of these strange creatures were seen, for every goblin is blinded by one thing, Money, with their mastery of mechanics and pyrotechnics, goblins often charged for their services, such is the way of the greedy lifestyle of the goblins. Wolf like men and women are indeed a mysterious race, not much is known other than they’re fued with the goblin folk of the desert. This discovery was kept from the other human-Like colonies, for these humans as well as their offspring wanted to be the only Humans to be with other life than their own, what they didn’t realize until they interacted with the many different species...is that this world was strong in something that was believed only to be myth, but was very real.​

Magic, with the elves strong within the abilities of magic, the other species quickly learned from them, Making their own teachings of magic. Such as the natural elements of Earth and wind. Fire magic was an entirely different art, Created (But not perfected) by the secluded Shadow Elves to help light their underground tunnels. Water magic was a difficult form to master, for it was created by the peaceful and creative Wood Elves to help grow their wooded homeland of Zanthar. Shadow magic, Created by the race of man Meant for manipulation of ones mind, but for a Deadly price. Holy magic, Given to every race as a gift from the gods, Only a few select people from each race are given the ability of holy magic to heal and restore others in need. With these types of magic, the oldest and wisest of all the races but shadow elves, were chosen to represent one another on a council to govern the strange world. With knowledge of the Greek gods from the race of men, They named the red world Ares. They all lived for thousands of years together, no conflict and no danger’s, But that would soon end.​

 

[Bone2pick]

Prologue:​

100,000 years into the future, when man-kind had finally developed the ability

to travel into different galaxies within the ever expanding universe, a small expedition group from the planet Kepler-22b (Or second earth to put it simply), took off into the edge of the universes center to hopefully find a habital world with other life on it, all the other star systems proved unsuccessful of habiting life other than humanity, but this group would be known to have discovered other organisms than themselves.​

​

Your first paragraph is incredibly long-winded and has a comma splice. Imo you need to break it into at least three sentences.

I would also reconsider opening with anything resembling "X amount of years into the future...". That's almost as tired as "Once Upon A Time...".

A Bright red world with purple water, a blue sun, red grass and trees, an entirely Safe habital world with bizarre colors, It didn’t seem too dangerous.​

​

Another awkward sentence with lots of redundancy. You told us it's safe, then habitable, then you finished with "didn't seem too dangerous. Those are all the same concept.

When they landed, they were Immediately swarmed by creatures ripped straight out of a fantasy book, Elves, dwarves, goblins, Even wolf like men and women.

I would describe the races rather than list them off. This is an opportunity to draw your audience in, but you're going to need to stir up the imagination to do that.

This discovery was kept from the other human-Like colonies, for these humans as well as their offspring wanted to be the only Humans to be with other life than their own, what they didn’t realize until they interacted with the many different species...is that this world was strong in something that was believed only to be myth, but was very real.

Another wordy and cumbersome sentence as well as another comma splice. Also, your ellipses isn't working imo.

Magic, with the elves strong within the abilities of magic, thousands of years later, one was born with the ability to wield rare fire magic, Edlidain would soon be the chosen hero of this world and save the entire universe, from complete and utter annihilation.

There's nothing unique here. Fire magic, elves, and save the "entire universe" (you don't need the modifier 'entire' imo) are all unremarkable fantasy. It would be a huge plus to see something fresh at some point. And the name drop of Eclidain is meaningless, because we aren't invested in him or your world yet.

 

[Sir Fungus]

​

Your first paragraph is incredibly long-winded and has a comma splice. Imo you need to break it into at least three sentences.

I would also reconsider opening with anything resembling "X amount of years into the future...". That's almost as tired as "Once Upon A Time...".

​

Another awkward sentence with lots of redundancy. You told us it's safe, then habitable, then you finished with "didn't seem too dangerous. Those are all the same concept.

​

I would describe the races rather than list them off. This is an opportunity to draw your audience in, but you're going to need to stir up the imagination to do that.

​

Another wordy and cumbersome sentence as well as another comma splice. Also, your ellipses isn't working imo.

​

There's nothing unique here. Fire magic, elves, and save the "entire universe" (you don't need the modifier 'entire' imo) are all unremarkable fantasy. It would be a huge plus to see something fresh at some point. And the name drop of Eclidain is meaningless, because we aren't invested in him or your world yet.

Thanks for letting me know, I’ll get to editing as soon as I can, I appreciate the advice.

 

[Sir Fungus]

There, Edited. Hopefully I re-wrote the prologue with enough detail.