Dreamtique
Here Be Dragons
I remember I would rather suffer through long hours with my maths and physics assignments rather than discussing with my course mates in uni, now that anxiety is coming back to bite me. It felt so scary to muster up the courage to talk to someone and communicate with supervisor and postdocs in my post graduate studies. A lack of communication and being closed off like I am now is extremely unhealthy for a research student, it is harming my progress a lot. I worry this might cause me to fail my postgraduate studies, and those worries just worsen the anxiety. So I am stuck in this unfortunate positive feedback loop of anxiety so to speak.
I have unfortunately gone to a pretty dark place, and I am just glad the toughest moments for me is already over, because I already mentally prepared myself to face whateve outcome, ending my postgraduate studies wouldn't be the end of the world.
I have already accepted the worse case scenario, so the anxiety gets better, but my progress is hindered severely because of my growing apathy towards my research. Now I just hope I can find my motivation back, overcome the fear that have been piling up inside me and causes severe procrastination problem.
Phew... I hope I can grow just a bit more comfortable and make my brain realize doing things are not as scary as they seem, but yeah, things are hard sometimes, and fuck, it's okay. I allowed myself to rant a bit, so that I don't feel like a 'fraud' all the time...I am kind of 'outing' myself now so to speak. I think that irrational 'fraud' mentality stops me from talking with my current supervisor and mentors, and my family, my past mentors, past friends as well. (There seems to be a flavor of 'imposter syndrome' at play here, I don't know yet, but well......)
(I didn't realize it was a mentally 'very' unhealthy journey I have been through until I read back this ranting I half mindedly typed out . But yeah, I pray this doesn't just read as a negativity dump, I just wish to journal for a bit what have been troubling me for the year of 2024 more openly. I hope I can get better and better, and I feel like I am already on my way to growth. Many things in life are extremely scary in your head, yes...and yeah, I do believe there are ways we can find to live with those fears...Best of luck all...)
I have unfortunately gone to a pretty dark place, and I am just glad the toughest moments for me is already over, because I already mentally prepared myself to face whateve outcome, ending my postgraduate studies wouldn't be the end of the world.
I have already accepted the worse case scenario, so the anxiety gets better, but my progress is hindered severely because of my growing apathy towards my research. Now I just hope I can find my motivation back, overcome the fear that have been piling up inside me and causes severe procrastination problem.
Phew... I hope I can grow just a bit more comfortable and make my brain realize doing things are not as scary as they seem, but yeah, things are hard sometimes, and fuck, it's okay. I allowed myself to rant a bit, so that I don't feel like a 'fraud' all the time...I am kind of 'outing' myself now so to speak. I think that irrational 'fraud' mentality stops me from talking with my current supervisor and mentors, and my family, my past mentors, past friends as well. (There seems to be a flavor of 'imposter syndrome' at play here, I don't know yet, but well......)
(I didn't realize it was a mentally 'very' unhealthy journey I have been through until I read back this ranting I half mindedly typed out . But yeah, I pray this doesn't just read as a negativity dump, I just wish to journal for a bit what have been troubling me for the year of 2024 more openly. I hope I can get better and better, and I feel like I am already on my way to growth. Many things in life are extremely scary in your head, yes...and yeah, I do believe there are ways we can find to live with those fears...Best of luck all...)
Last edited:
