Story Short Story Workshop: Starless Kingdom

[Nymian]

I'm working on a short story. Theme is royals. Can be any genre, just has to be about royals in some form or fashion. Max word count is 5000.

I'm going to post what I have so far - I feel like I'm off to a somewhat strong start, but the dialog portion I'm not sure I'm on the right track. I'm having a hard time finding the right path forward. I'll highlight what I'm mostly happy with to differentiate where I feel I'm struggling.

I welcome any critiques or advice!

I generated a random plot so I had something to work with. For some reason, it gave me Stardust vibes (if you haven't seen this movie I HIGHLY recommend you stop what you're doing and watch it right meow. Robert de Niero as a gay pirate. Truly one of my favorite movies.) I'm working with it very loosely, so ignore the paranormal/humans living in harmony. I'm not sure I'm including that bit lol.

Plot: A spoiled young prince is the only rightful heir in a kingdom where paranormal beings live in harmony with humans. Power gained at such an early age is corruptive, and the prince is no exception. The story follows the dark coming-of-age of a spoiled child who acts out his twisted fantasies of darkest evil on those beneath him. The ancient gods bless the young boy who will turn out to be the hero in the once forsaken land.

 

[Nymian]

Starless Kingdom

✧˚·̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥·̩̩̥͙✧·̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥˚·̩̩̥͙✧*✧˚·̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥·̩̩̥͙✧·̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥˚·̩̩̥͙✧

If you find yourself alone in the dark, beware - for you might just find yourself in Starless Kingdom. A place where the lost find themselves, and where suffering finds the lost. The kingdom earned its name when Galixi, God of the Stars, took back their only light source when his own had extinguished. The light in his life, a star called Lumses, had vanished. Lumses was rumored to glow so brightly her energy soaked into those in her presence, lending great benefits. Though the powers one would possess were just whispers, it was said that they could do great things. Angry, Galixi punished Starlight Kingdom - for he knew that the king, Icas, had stolen her.

You have taken my light, so I shall take yours.

 The stars began to flicker brilliantly before disappearing. Soon the last one fluttered out, letting darkness spill across the land.

“Where are you taking me?” Lumses cried out, as Icas dragged her along behind him, latched onto her wrist.

“Somewhere you’ll be safe.” Icas replied, trudging futher along. “Somewhere Galixi will never find you.”

“You realize that he will destroy your kingdom.” Icas stopped and turned to face the star.

“That doesn’t matter. The one that possesses you yields great power, or so it is told. As long as I have you, I can do anything. I can destroy Galixi.”

“You fool. You can’t stop Galixi, and he will not stop until he gets what he wants. He is a god. You are but a king. A mere mortal.”

“But with you, to my people I will be a god. I will hold unimaginable power, and no one will be able to stop me.”

Lumses tried to come up with a rebutal. She wanted to stall him to try to get away, because she feared what was to come. Her power in the wrong hands could corrupt the wielder.​