Seven

[Rawrasaur]

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<div style="text-align:center;"><p> Your body grows life, How can you not love yourself? Born from the best kind Green eyes they wander. Searching to be the best ones, Wandering they go. Sans rest you wither, Repose is what you must seek, Even at calm times. The man and woman, Adam and Eve copulate. Harlots seem quite close. Food and Drink welcome, How else one enjoy surplus? Ichors and Nectars Mammon oh wise one. Aid me plan many days time. Everlasting toys. Wrath the core of us. As spark to revolution, For better or worse.</p></div>


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[Dusky]

You requested a critique, and I am here to deliver! Firstly, haiku! Very brave of you, and it's nice to see people work with it. Are all of these meant to be stanzas of one poem, or each a poem unto themselves? If the former, they are very disjointed and don't connect to each other substantially.


One critique I have is that there are some major breaches in grammar that detract from the reading experience. Even though you need to work within a certain number of syllables, you should still use proper grammar.


Unless I am mistaken, haikus are supposed to invoke natural imagery, and most of your stanzas do not.


I think the best thing you could do for this poem is cut it down a lot and really get at the heart of what you are trying to say.


Having typed all that, actually our resident haiku expert is @simj22. He may well have some valuable insight I know nothing about!

 

[Rawrasaur]

You requested a critique, and I am here to deliver! Firstly, haiku! Very brave of you, and it's nice to see people work with it. Are all of these meant to be stanzas of one poem, or each a poem unto themselves? If the former, they are very disjointed and don't connect to each other substantially.

This is all supposed to be one poem. There's a reason why the title is what it is, and there is a common theme behind each stanza. However I know that it may not be the best, it was from years ago. X3

 

[simj26]

If i'm not reading this wrong, this is supposed to be a poem that's supposed to be built out of haikus. Personally, i dont mind. It was a good read.


Professionally, however, it really detracts from the actual beauty of haiku. The true form of haiku is supposed to deliver a strong message, or a hilarious joke, with seventeen syllables. It is minimalistic in nature, and that's just how it is.


Again, i have to reiterate, as a reader, i have nothing AGAINST your writing, since I am but casul scum in anything other than haiku, and I enjoy just how you are able to deliver all seven sins with seventeen syllables, the haiku freak within me just wants to say that this would have been much better if each separate stanza was given specific focus, instead of being put together like this. They are all well-written individually too.


Just my two cents. Now, I exit!