Story | S t r u g g l i n g | TRIGGER WARNINGS

[Mentallynot]

s t r u g g l i n g


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disclaimer:
contains mentions of depression, suicide, self harm. Also contains gore, violence and the use of explicit language (cussing) .
Just so you know that isn't the point of this story and I do not condone nor support self harm or suicide nor violence in any way shape or form
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Listen to this song while reading for the full experience.
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genre:
angst/drama
no romance
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cast:
Nolan Powell
&
Kane Mclaine
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[Mentallynot]

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"Get something to eat, will you?" The green eyed male, Kane, spoke as he went to gather the dirty dishes that were scattered along the table before placing them down into the rusty sink. It was rather clear that the other had stopped paying attention towards the condition of his crappy apartment for quite a while now judging from how trashed the place was and how most of the furniture there were covered with a thick layer of dust. Even the air was oversaturated with it, causing the feats of dry coughs that the owner had. Checking the fridge, there was barely anything inside it apart from the unlabeled bottles filled with what smelled like old beer or something of the sort. This made him click his tongue, followed with a sigh as he shut the door close.

At this point, he was just questioning how his friend could live in that very apartment. The neighborhood sucked, the people also sucked, and to top it off with that, a damn cheap crappy apartment that probably had seen better days. Despite this, it definitely didn't draw much thought from the other male who decided to just sit there at the empty table, staring at nothing. Probably he was off wandering in his own mind again. Kane could only take a deep breath as he stared at the somewhat bored to death friend of his. Looking at the time on the wooden clock that was set on the wall across both the sink and the table, Kane figured it would be nice to get the man out of town. Maybe that would cheer him up a bit? Probably not... Heck, every each sets of choices were like a guessing game, none of it seemed to really get Nolan out of that "downer" state.

If given the time, the man would just sit there and drown in his own thoughts until he couldn't even think anymore, until his soul would slip before his very own eyes. The thought of this angered Kane, he was getting fed up of having to reason with him, hoping to be able to pull the other out of his own hole. It was like the other was never there, like he didn't hear any of Kane's words and concerns that he had spat out every time.

"Why don't you ever get up on your own feet, huh?" Kane confronted as he slammed his palm down onto the table causing a loud bang that almost scared the life out of himself but still, no response from the other man, Nolan. "Listen to me!" Kane shouted, getting even louder as he went to call him by his name, accompanied with another loud bang as he slammed his palms onto it like a drum. But as there was not a response that came back from the older male, Kane eventually had enough and when to shove the table over as he went to let out a yell. There was a brief minute of silence as he balled his open palms into fists. Nolan only sat there on his chair with his head hung low, his hands placed down on his lap.

Then, it just happened. A punch landed straight for the other's head as he toppled over his seat and fell hard onto the cold floor. "You want to die? Well so fucking be it!" Kane yelled at the top of his lungs as his voice cracked. His eyes were wide and his breath were just rushed as his blood boiled with rage. He walked over the other male and went to throw a couple of punches to the eye and his cheekbones. The more the punches landed, the more panic managed to overcome the other's body as he was pinned to the ground, having his face beaten up by the male that he considered as a "friend". There were muffled cries and screams that escaped from Nolan's lips as he continued to endure the pain that struck him. But as fear crept over him, he began to cover his head with his fore arms, shielding his face from the punches that Kane had thrown at him.

This went on for a few more long minutes as Kane just shut his mouth and continued to throw punches over at his face. When he eventually stopped, he got off from the other male and went to sit down on the chair that the other was sitting on previously. There was tears in the other man's eyes as he writhed in pain with his back on the tiles that was stained by the blood that seeped from his lips. "Go on! Blame yourself again! See if I care this time!" Kane muttered as he went to wipe the blood off his hands with some tissues before storming out of the apartment with his hoodie on. He was just pissed off and he didn't want to see the other's face at that time, it was just pissing him off even more. He got into his own car that he parked beside Nolan's rusty car before driving down the crappy neighborhood. Along the road, his mind kept on throwing things that devalued Nolan in his eyes. At that time for him, Nolan was a waste, a lost cause, and worthless.

But as the cold breeze pierced through his skin while he kept the windows rolled down, there was another train of thoughts that appeared into his angry mind. It made him bit down hard on his bottom lip as he slammed his palm onto the steering wheel before throwing a couple of kicks into the floor near the pedals. He was just letting out a couple of grunts and low hisses while he started to debate with his own choices. He started regretting what he had done to the other. He hated the feeling of remorse. Why should he even feel that way? The man deserved it, Nolan deserved it. He was beyond frustrated and his eyes were just tearing up as he grew obviously bitter at everything and himself.

It had always been like that, a constant battle between having to help others in need and himself. He hated people, he hated them for making him having to fix their problem but then again, he couldn't seem to fix his own small problems and let it all out on the ones that meant no harm. It was mostly his fault and he would admit it but his soul would always speak otherwise. His head was telling him on what to feel and do. And as for his heart, it was gone, long gone. He put it into the trash and had reclaimed his throne without it.

But he had enough of giving a damn about it. He turned the car over, back to the neighborhood where the other belonged and parked the car back before entering the building. Upon his way back up to Nolan's room, Kane kept his best to stay calm as he climbed the stairs with a rather straight face. He walked over to the door and went to enter the apartment. Upon entering, he found the kitchen empty without a sign of the other man that he had just fought with early on. He took this as nothing of suspicion and walked past it. When he reached the living room however, he heard the sound of water running down the tap or something. He looked over to the bathroom and found the door unlocked. There, he saw the tap on the bathtub running and the water was just overflowing to the walls of it.

He approached it and there his mind just shut down. To his horror, he found the male under the water, pale and not a single bubble left his lips. Before another second could pass, Kan just hovered over the tub and grabbed a hold of the man by his shoulder before dragging him up onto the surface. He panicked in an instant and went to shake the man while calling his name out, only to no avail. Kane went to hover his fingers over the other's nostrils before checking his pulse. it was too late even if the green eyed male didn't want to believe that ever. Then it hit him, the sudden realization as his expression changed. There wasn't a feeling left in his eyes.

He just left the body leaning out of the tub as he went to lie down on the cold tiles with his eyes staring up the white ceiling. There wasn't a train of thought that manage to exist in his mind at the time. Everything just went silent at that very moment. With the tap still running and the water starting to crept under his back, still nothing came to mind as he lied still on the floor. From the back of his head, he knew what he had done. "You know... I've always wondered..." Kane muttered as he turned his head towards the body that stuck out of the bathtub. He flashed a small smile as his eyes gazed over the lifeless body that he left submerged in the running water. "But... I guess I wouldn't be able to share that with you now, huh?" there was a sense of emotion in his voice that caused it to be more and more unstable as he continued to speak while trying to repress those emotions away. "Sometimes-" the male stumbled upon his word when a sudden surge emotions caused him to take a deep breath before letting out a shaky breath. Gently, he tried to bring his palms up to his face but instead his hands just continued to tremble along with his sudden uncontrollable brief gasps of air. His own body just started to become overwhelmed by the stress that he felt and tried to hide. He quickly went to cover his face with his palms and the silence broke in once again.

There was not a single movement from Kane as he continued to bury his face into his palms. A couple of minutes passed and all of a sudden, a loud piercing scream echoed throughout the few rooms in that apartment. It was then followed with another couple of the mid toned screams and cries that would surely alarm neighbors. The screams were raspy and almost as if it's voice was cracking from how loud and harsh it was. Those screams came from the very person who had kept his mouth shut, the only living person in that apartment. Despite the possibility of alarming the whole complex, not a single soul came to the door. It was expected from this very neighborhood. Kane only took this as one of the many things he despised from staying there. Instead of calling the authorities, Kane went to pull the corpse out of the tub and went to clean the place up along with the other's body. Kane didn't bury the body and left it dressed and placed on the bed before covering half of the body with the blanket.

The rest of the night, Kane just sat there on the couch and went to watch the TV like as if nothing happened, but never once did he smile nor spoke as he continued to sit there on the couch. When morning came, he went to cook some breakfast. Again, there was not a single emotion prompted on his face. Some scrambled eggs and mashed potatoes, Nolan's favorites. He made two portions and went to bring those over to the bedroom where he found the other still stuck in bed, never moving a muscle. Kane went to place the plates down and sat on the side of the bed while he grabbed a plate and ate the food on it while he sat there, never did he once made eye contact with the body that once was his friend. When he was finished, he went to grab both plates and head out of the bedroom before emptying the other plate into the trash bin and cleaned up the rest. After that, he went to walk over to the bedroom and carried the corpse out of the bed before moving it into the bathroom where he went to wash his friend's hair and most parts of the body as he left the other in his underwear before letting it sit in the warm water for a couple of minutes as Kane sat over at the edge of the bathtub while staring at his own arms that were soaked wet from the water. While he idly waited, he stared at nothing and scratched his head once in a while before letting out a yawn.

Judging from the dark circles under his eyes, it was rather clear that he didn't really get any sleep last night. To be fair, there was a frown that seemed to grow more prominent as time went on. When the time was up, He went to grab a dry towel and dried the other as best as he possibly could. There wasn't a smell or any noticeable sign from the body. The body didn't seem to be rotting at the time being as Kane proceeded to dress the other up with a fresh set before placing him back onto the bed with the blanket on. The rest of the day, Kane spent his time just watching the shows that were on T.V, though nothing seemed to entertain him. Perhaps, he was just doing it to kill time. He wouldn't leave the couch unless if it was time to do some chores or to take care of his friend.

The only time Kane would go out was when he had to get groceries, other than that he would spend most of his time staring dully at the T.V. This went on for a couple of weeks, long weeks. It was long but quite a blur for Kane's memory. But things just started to go downhill as he started to stopped doing his daily routine. He began to mess up and forget, causing him to wash the body more than once in the morning or night, or perhaps he forget that he had already made breakfast or lunch, so on so forth.

He was getting confused for no reason, and distracted. The latter weeks, Kane began to stop doing it altogether as he spent more time staring at the T.V. Despite this, the body inside the bedroom continued to stay the same, like he was just in a deep slumber. Kane didn't give any thought to this and eventually forgotten that the other existed because he just kept watching the T.V on and on, he would only take breaks to go to the bathroom or if he was desperately starving since he stopped cooking and eating. His stomach would hurt and he would feel sick but the more it hurt, the more he gave no attention towards it. He was losing weight since he would eat a bit here and there but drink a lot of water since being thirsty was the only thing that he couldn't bother to have. He obviously didn't care about his own hygiene either, even grew a beard. He wouldn't let it grow more than stubble. He hated how it would look on him which made him shaved it clean. But he only did that once he hated the look on him. His hair was a different story, he never seemed to be bothered by it growing itchy nor getting very sticky from the oil. He did wash it from time to time since he would shower only but it was always a quick one so he would just soak his hair with the water and nothing else.

One day however, he had enough of watching the damn T.V and so he turned it off. For once, he finally heard the silence again. To his surprise, he couldn't think, there wasn't a thing that he wanted to really think about. It was just the silence and himself. Peaceful... nothing that he would hate. But this left him numb, even the world outside meant nothing to him. Sometimes, he would check his phone and would see countless of new texts from his friends and family along with the missed calls that he wouldn't ever pick up. He would just let it ring but he didn't want the police to get involved in this and went to send a long text that he was trying to figure out some things on his own. He even told them that he wasn't going back to college until he got everything sorted out which angered his parents but again Kane couldn't care what their thoughts were.

When nighttime came, he started to regain his ability to think again as he sat down at the table in the kitchen. He began to think about what had went down. He couldn't believe how he would become so disconnected and bitter. Several years ago, he didn't understand what it meant to hate life, especially hating one self. If he remembered correctly, he did realize that most of his friends were either unstable or they needed help to fix their problems when society decided that they weren't worthy in a way. He was fine with it but it seemed rather weird how hejust let everything slip under his nose. He didn't realize the damage until he felt it coming back to drag him down. It was as if he had it all along but he ignored it. Though it was the reason he was stuck talking to this friend of his, Nolan. He started off rough and well he seemed to be able to get through with it but things just went downhill as he grew older. Kane was more lucky, his parents took care of him, and he didn't lose any friends to anything unlike Nolan who had to become independent early on and lost his closest friend to cancer.

Nolan seemed grateful at the least bit and yet the one who complained the most was Kane. Unfair, Kane would say. He would dare to just blame it on the higher ups. Be it beliefs or not, Kane was done hearing all of it. All he could care at that time was nothing. The next few days, he would just cry every hour and then stop. But his head was empty, he just cried over the feeling but there wasn't a reason that he could say. He was alarmed by this and his eyes would just stare with a rather shocked expression before and after the cries. When he stopped answering the messages since he was too preoccupied with the extreme mood swings he would have. As much as he would like to deny that the apartment was one of the things that made him insane, it was getting to him and he just couldn't stand it. He didn't want to be stuck in that cycle, it would scare him to death just from the thought of it.

And so, one day he called his parents and told them where he was staying and that they needed to call 911 about it. He wouldn't say why and hung up before they could pry more answers from him. In such a state, he sat there on the couch like he always did the past many weeks. Even though time had passed and the deed was done, guilt finally managed to break through his walls. Kane cowered away on the couch as he went to wrap his arms around himself. At any minute the police would arrive and he knew he wouldn't be able to keep it together. It wasn't that he was scared of what would happen next. Rather, he just couldn't really accept the fact that it was over. His so called world was just never there to begin with. He wasn't the person that he thought he was, he was just cold, bitter, and just plain awful. He was the one who didn't deserve anything nice, the one who kept on breaking things and kept convincing himself that he was capable of helping others. He was manipulative, and a damn liar. He was full of crap, not once did he ever really tell the truth, did he?

Despite what Kane thought about the next thing that would happen, everything seemed to happen in a blur. It was safe to say that he was out of it when the officers arrived. He couldn't remember what he said towards the officer who questioned him. He would only come back into reality once it was over, once he was in the car, heading home. His parents seemed to be shocked about the whole event. Maybe they were considering to send him to the hospital to get him admitted to the psychiatry ward. To be fair, they wouldn't if they could help it but they couldn't risk the whole family of going to the same hole. And that day, his mother packed his clothes along with other things that Kane hold dear. As for his father, he would be busy trying to cover this from Kane's sister and only sibling. Like Nolan, Kane would just stare into nothing and do nothing but he tried to be there. He tried to move on, but he felt that he was stuck in time. He did try to get some sleep but he would just wake up in the middle of the night. He was too bothered by reality to even sleep.

His fear would worsen when he was sent to stay inside a room without any familiar faces. The psychiatrist who handled his case was rather adamant that he was to be left alone. Perhaps the fact that he was manipulative could endanger the others into walking on the same path that he was taking. This situation force him to become restless and highly aware of his surroundings. But, it also made him even more isolated and defensive. He wouldn't say a thing that the therapist could use to help him get better. Well that wasn't what bothered the staff the most. The worst was that he refused any kind of pill or drugs that would affect his mood or so. He didn't want it. He was scared that it would affect how he would think even when his doctor assured him that it was only to make his emotion less overwhelming. Perhaps the thought of feeling empty again scared him more than anything.

But as the staff grew more impatient when handling him, he felt no longer safe around them. His sense of trust just simply disappeared without a trace and was left to become hostile at every soul until they eventually left him alone since he was only getting worse. He calmed down when that happened but it didn't make him less paranoid than he was. It was as if he was getting far more stuck in that cycle of despair. This eventually lead to one of the longest night he ever had. He was already weary but more than that he was just very much upset. His head blamed everything, his parents, the staff, the doctor, the world, his dead friend and himself. He was building up a rage that he had for years and that very night was where he would let it all out. He trashed the whole place, shoved everything down onto the floor. He even pulled the damn lamps down except the one on the ceiling. There wasn't any sharp object that would cause him harm and he didn't need any of it. All he needed was to just stop this.

He didn't want to accept this life that he had took upon himself. It wasn't alright, it was never alright. He would do anything to turn back time if he could. It was like a bad dream and he really wanted to wake up. And then something just knocked him out and everything went black. The next thing that he saw when he opened his eyes was the familiar starry sky. This time, he felt tired like he had just cried himself to sleep or something. Though, he did realize that everything seemed to spin around him. What happened? He thought to himself. He didn't hear anything, he only felt heavy on all of his limbs like there was something pinning him down onto the ground. His vision would become blurry from time to time. Everything felt so out of touch. Like he was having sleep paralysis or something of the sort but he couldn't tell since he could barely figure out if he was dreaming or not. Though, he did regain his senses once he heard a siren from a far. By the time he could see someone, his eyes just gave up and closed themselves. He felt nothing and there was nothing that crossed his mind also until something did cross his mind.

Upon that sudden thought, he pushed himself to wake up even when he felt immense pain from every part of his body. He managed to pry his eyes open and found himself inside an ambulance with one of the paramedics on his side. He tried to open his mouth but nothing came out. He pushed things further and tried to catch the paramedic's attention. He managed to only let out a few grunts which did took their attention. With every strength he had at that time, he murmured something to the paramedic. It wasn't his name nor was it a question. Rather, it was a demand. Regarding someone, someone that was about to take the fall. After he made sure that the paramedic got his words right, he let everything go and left the rest to his body, meaning that he let himself gone under again.

The black void lasted for a few more minutes that felt like hours. He couldn't get himself to endure more than he already wanted to and just waited. Kane still couldn't figure out what was going on but he knew he would know soon enough. Upon waking up, he saw a white ceiling that seemed pretty familiar but there was pain on every inch of his body. He tried moving his head but couldn't and instead moved his eyes and found out that he was strapped to various machines. It didn't explain much but he figured something happened. And to his surprise, he was right. The doctor came in and told him that his car crashed onto a truck. Surely enough the trauma caused him to dream more than he wished to. But it didn't explain how he managed to go through that dream without waking up once. And heck he felt like he just had gone back in time or something. He could remember each detail clearly which was odd to him as he would forget as soon as he woke up and would only remember a fraction of it for like ten minutes or less. Maybe he did go back in time? Whatever, he thought.

Though, the next news that the doctor broke to him almost gave him heart attack. Apparently even when he had gone under, the paramedics listened to him talking through the whole ride. He was explaining that his friend was in danger and that this friend of his was going to end his life and so on. The staff eventually did take in his request since he wouldn't just shut up until they did. This struck Kane as odd since he didn't recall doing that. It sounded more like his subconscious part of him. Maybe it was. Nonetheless, they got a call back and was told that the authorities found Nolan in the act of drowning himself in the bathtub and managed to intervene before he was able to take his life. This left Kane to freeze in place as he recalled every single detail when he found the other dead in the tub. The feeling of relief washed over him. By the time the doctor was done explaining, he was able to move his limbs despite the pain. "Is he okay? Can I see him?" Apparently, his friend was still in need of further medical assistance and the doctor wasn't about to let Kane out of his bed just yet. And so he patiently waited until he got better which took a couple days and even to a week just to let him out of the bed. Well, during the wait, his family had visited him and as usual was worried sick about him but he just didn't have the time to care yet.

Most of the days, he was just off thinking about what had happened before, he remembered how it felt when he lost his sanity. He just wondered why he felt in such a way. Perhaps he had to once again acknowledge the problems and accept it? Perhaps. At least he could be at peace and get some rest, he did know that he had hurt this friend of his and he would like to apologize but until then he was left to sort himself out. There was a plenty time for him to think. A plenty of time to realize the errors he made and even the fact that he needed to fix things. Maybe then things would look up? Maybe.

Despite what he had requested earlier, the doctor seemed pretty satisfied with his recovery and let him go home. Sure he wasn't able to go do any physical activities just yet but he figured it was okay for him to visit Nolan. His parents drove him there and they did express their concerns to him but Kane wasn't worried about it as much. He knew that deep down he wouldn't be able to accept the fact if the other did die but at least he made sure that he would be able to let go. Upon arriving, he knocked the door and heard some footsteps coming up to the door. As soon as the door was opened, a big grin was displayed on Kane's face. "Hey." Kane greeted as he waved his hand over to the other. He seemed a bit surprised but his eyes did lit up. Though despite the silence between the two, the atmosphere seemed rather peaceful and cozy. The apartment seemed to be taken care of and the other didn't smell like a pack of cigarettes either. Kane took this as a good sign. A good start to get their lives back on track.

Despite that, Kane was still haunted by the so called "dream". He knew that it wasn't but who was he supposed to share it with? He didn't want to cross things to far but it killed him to keep it on the back of his mind. Instead of feeling grateful, he felt betrayed and hurt. Something that he wouldn't be able to erase even if he wanted to. It was like someone traumatized him for nothing kind of. Like he didn't think it was going to help him become a better person. If any, it was only taking most of the ground that he could stand on. He had to live in the fact that someday he would screw up and he would have to go through that again. He just simply couldn't trust any thing anymore. Not even himself. It was too much, just the though of it made him feel really depressed. He really wanted to forget the emotions that scarred him from that dream. He wanted to just forget about it and act as if he was looking forward to his future. But no, he couldn't. He had to pretend and Nolan would ask but again he was too scared of the mere possibilities even when the both of them were doing fine. It just wouldn't stop hurting, it would never. Just like every single thing that happened in his life. When it comes to pain and fear, it never goes away. Ever.

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FIN




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Ending Song
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A/N
Wrote this in the heat of the moment so pardon the grammar and spelling okay?
You're welcome to give any kind of feedback. Also, tell me how it made you feel or tell me your experience when reading this story.

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Thanks for giving this story a shot!​