Realistic or Modern redux + redox

[candygore]

r e d u x .+. r e d o x

solarsaphia .x. candygore ​

 

[candygore]

C

filler! ignore

C

filler! ignore

• aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
• aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

• 
  
  
  

  
  
  
  

  celino

  
  
  
  

  running all the red lights down

  
  
  

  
  
  
  
• 
  
  
  

  
  
  

  
  
  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  

  
  
  
  

  
  

  mood

  
  

  uneasy

  
  

  
  
  
  
  

  
  

  location

  
  

  house > lake

  
  

  
  
  
  
  

  
  

  tags

  
  

  solarsaphia

  
  

  
  
  
  

  
  
  
  

  
  
  
  
  

  There was a certain level of serenity he found in the dark.
  
  His eyes flicker to the curtains drifted apart, exposing the moon’s soft ache in his room.
  
  Lino hums quietly, a low sound in his throat, before reverting his attention back to the console screen on his chest, hoisted up with the support of both his hands, and admittedly, sitting a bit too close to his eyes.
  
  Perhaps, it’s not the dark he finds comforting: his gaze wanders to the tapered sepia seeping through the crack at door’s feet.
  
  Maybe it’s the silence accompanied by these dark hours that he enjoys, the blond muses, his attention no longer completely enamoured by the rhythmic beat pounding in his headphones, but by the AC swooshing cool air into the contracted room.
  
  He’s vaguely aware of the throb blooming at the crest of his spine, so he changes his posture from lying to sitting upright, dislodging his headphones in the process. It’s only after the bed sheets have settled once more, the shuffling no longer uncomfortably loud within these four walls, that he becomes aware: of a hushed noise electrocuted with excitement.
  
  Lino recognises it as the kind of whispers he used to share with Mireya—his older sister—whenever they’d sneak into their uncles’ rooms to steal money. Those were whispers they tried to hide, containing a thrill they wanted to, but didn’t know how to conceal.
  
  His theory bears fruit when he hears a voice he doesn’t recognise: “Let me help you clean up.”
  
  Then, one he does: “It’s okay Elena-” Lino sighs whenever that name is brought up in conversation. “-It’s getting late anyway.”
  
  10:44… Damn right it’s getting late. The time jerks him to another train of thought as he throws his legs off the side and lunges out of bed. He recalls asking for a shy favour earlier this morning: a request for midnight company, because between the vestiges of light in his room and the imprisoned echoes of noise, he’s decided it’s not the dark or the silence he’s fond of. Not the peace either, if the knots in his arms are anything to judge by.
  
  There’s an unfamiliar lull in the air, hanging like humidity from his pores, sticking like sweat to his skin. It’s been there for days, everyone’s aware of it in lethargy of the neighbourhood dogs, the swelter of the afternoon sun. It’s something that’s weighing everyone down, and Lino has had enough of making underwhelming excuses to pass the discomfort off a sensory itch. It’s less that, and more psychological, he huffs, tugging a simple white sleeveless top to cover his half-naked form.
  
  He contemplates using the front door for a second, but the foreign voice still persists outside (like a shadow), so he removes his last-minute hand on the door handle and turns right back around.
  
  He’s done it quite a few times; after the first, years ago, his father had locked up his window for good, but was quick to grasp the fact that a dedicated child is a dangerous child, and even quicker to understand it was best to let said child do as he pleases than have him returning at dusk with impact bruises on his joints.
  
  There’s no wind that greets him when he slides the window open. The unease prickles in his chest, but doesn’t deter him from leaping (it's less than a storey's jump). He lands upright on his feet with a muffled thud that barely strains his ankles.
  
  While the ground below him had quaked with aftershocks before, it barely supports his weight now when he’s making his way down the street. He feels a bounce in his step, like the earth isn’t tethered to his centre of gravity… Something’s definitely off. Or maybe it’s just the weather.
  
  During his walk to the outlying bogs, he ponders on the request he made at the ice cream shop, whether Jay—his best friend and one of the only people he truly trusts with secrets—even remembers. Mainly however, he ruminates on how he’d spoken when bringing up the topic, “Are you free tonight?” They do this often, just the two of them: Lino will steal the cigarettes and marijuana his unsuspecting neighbours hide in the shed, and Jay and him will take their business to the creeks, the club outside town sometimes when there’s a gig playing, or the municipal locations when they have a bigger crowd.
  
  The only difference this time is that Lino doesn’t have any of the goods on him, he just wants a night away to cool himself down with someone but without everyone else. It’s just a little embarrassing that he wants Jay there with him when he could’ve easily (read: conveniently) approached Melissa—his… girlfriend? Prom date? Not entirely sure where they stand.
  
  He’s arrived at the periphery of the woods before he has time to second-guess his decision, warm grass hugging the soles of his feet as a welcome. Lino loves this part of town most. It’s a good walk away from civilisation but the tranquility that’s crystalised this place in its own bubble can’t be found anywhere else. As he walks deeper in, the air gets thicker with moisture, and the soft twinkling of water becoming clearer in his ears. Jay hasn’t arrived yet, he observes, and while a part of him does expect the boy to show up, (another doesn’t,) he’s not going to be waiting on the happening.
  
  Without wasting anymore time, Lino tucks his fingers under the hem of his tank top and twists it off his body before tossing the garment beside him on the oddly-cut tree stump. It doesn’t get that much easier to breathe now that the restrictive clothing isn’t continuously pressing on his chest, but it’s still a lot more comfortable not having that extra layer of heat adding to the unusually-warm night.
  
  Next, he sheds his jeans, and engages in a staring contest with his boxers with petulant wrinkles on his forehead. Sighing, he deems it best to keep them on for now, and steps into the chilly water without paying a heartbeat more of his time.

  
  
  

  
  
  
  

♡ design by dreamglow, coded by uxie ♡

 

[solarsaphia]

• .
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• .
• .

• filler
• 
  
  
  

  
  
  
  

  on edge + excited

  
  
  
• 
  
  
  

  
  
  
  

  sunrise diner > the lake

  
  
  
• 
  
  
  

  
  
  
  

  candygore

  
  
  

Blue’s chest rumbled with a whine, circling Ajay’s ankles as he folded his too-big dress shirt, stuffing it absentmindedly into his backpack. 9:00 PM, read the neon red of Sunrise Diner’s clock. It was time to head out. His usual shift was a few hours past, part of why the cat was so impatient, but the call of overtime pay had been too good to ignore. He was almost an adult now, after all. Countering his night down by the lake with work made him feel a bit less guilty about what was to come.

Jay had always known he would leave. This town was little more than a ghost, plagued by its past and subject to rumors of the present, but his mother was nothing if not an optimistic woman. She wanted him to stay. She didn’t want to be left alone.

Hot guilt crawled up his throat, choking in its intensity, and Jay shoved the rest of his work uniform in his bag before it could go tumbling to the floor. His hands were unsteady enough without useless agonization about the future. He exhaled, the breath bordering on steady, and crouched down so Blue could climb up. She nuzzled his cheek, as if she too knew the unwelcome thoughts racing through his mind, before settling down in her usual feather-boa curl around his neck, purring contentedly. Jay didn’t fight the smile that tugged at his lips. She’d been with him for years now, but her odd-but-endearing behavior never failed to bring some light to his day.

With Blue settled on his shoulders and a backpack slung across his chest, Jay left Sunrise Diner. In his hands was his check for the day— nothing much, but he had to be grateful for it. His boss Petunia, a fourty-something white woman with a penchant for fruity liquor, gave him an absent-minded wave goodbye. No one else seemed to take notice.

Above him, the sky was set in dull warmth. Pink faded into orange and then back again, only broken up by the suspended shadows of the telephone lines and traffic lights, and he could still hear the sound of music coming from a few streets back. Kids— younger than him, usually in middle school— liked to get speakers from who-knows-where and blast their favorite songs this time of year. It was as though the looming authority of school and parents and adults had snapped, like a rubber band pulled too tight.

“Like birds flown south,” He mumbled, glad for the lack of response the empty streets allowed him. “Too caught up in the journey.”

Whether he was talking about his generation or their priors, he barely knew. Ajay’s thoughts were somewhere up on the dusty ceiling of his home’s basement, frayed by spiders and webs entangling fruit flies, and he couldn’t find the energy to grab at them.

His sneakers scuffed over a rough surface— the trail. Jay looked up, rubbing tiredly at his cheek, and strained his eyes to see if Lino was there already. Joining on a late-night escapade to the lake’s edge wasn’t what he had in his plans for the night, exactly, but it was a welcome change. He missed doing stupid shit like this. Everyone had grown busy lately, weighted with responsibility or too high and/or drunk to care, but years of knowing Lino had made them close. His mom had just smiled when he told her he’d be back late. “Be safe,” She had said, the gentle familiarity of Hindi rolling off her tongue, and he had kissed her on the cheek and swallowed the usual pang of guilt.

Eventually, he caught a glimpse of a shadow. That had to be Lino, but no, that was a smaller silhouette, almost childlike in how their scrawny limbs stood out against the medium-dark sky of evening. They were leaning up against a tree on the peak of a hill across the lake, feet swallowed in what looked like an old-fashioned dress. He swallowed. Who else could be there?

Shrugging off his backpack, he kept his eye on the figure, only looking away when Blue suddenly jumped off his shoulders. She was hissing, her ears pressed against her head. “What’s wrong?” He frowned, looking up— only to see the figure was gone. A chill coated his body in a matter of moments, goosebumps raising on the flesh of his arm, and he resisted the urge to immediately back up. “Just one of those Williams kids, probably,” He said, more to himself than anything. “They like to run around in the forest sometimes.” The oddity of the hour went unsaid. Jay couldn’t let himself chicken out when he’d been looking forward to the meet-up all day.

He continued down the trail. Around him, the woods were silent, absent of the usual hum of the town or the sound of birds chirping, and he couldn’t shake the way it put him on edge. He unconsciously quickened his pace, only skidding to a halt when he reached the clearing. Behind him, Blue gave an annoyed meow. Keeping up with long-legged humans was difficult.

Lino was already there, submerged in what had to be frigid water with most of his clothes discarded by the lakebed. “Hey.” Jay smiled. It was easier to shake off the feeling from earlier when he was grounded in the present.

Ajay dropped his backpack next to the tree trunk and pulled his shirt over his head. Beside him, Blue padded up to the edge of the lake, her white fur and small body making her look ghost-like in the light of evening. She poked the water with a paw before diving in, drawing a startled snort out of Jay. “I guess she doesn’t mind swimming.” Blue had been in the wild before he adopted her— so he guessed she must have learned it as a kitten. “Is the water cold?”

ajay khatri

these polaroid days

♡coded by uxie♡

 

[candygore]

C

filler! ignore

C

filler! ignore

• aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
• aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

• 
  
  
  

  
  
  
  

  celino

  
  
  
  

  running all the red lights down

  
  
  

  
  
  
  
• 
  
  
  

  
  
  

  
  
  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  

  
  
  
  

  
  

  location

  
  

  lake

  
  

  
  
  
  
  

  
  

  tags

  
  

  solarsaphia

  
  

  
  
  
  

  
  
  
  

  
  
  
  
  

  His heart lurches in his chest when the water breaks as a familiar voice across the threshold, a fit silhouette painting the dark tree bark even darker. Lino submerges himself deeper in the murky water, only the his eyes and the top of his head protruding from the surface. He’s aware of the goofy smile he’s trying to hide, but can you really blame him? Seeing Jay always puts him in a better mood. The only thing that confuses him right now is how his best friend’s supposed shadow pauses right there, not taking a step further to reveal himself in the opening. Lino knows he’s there, can feel a neon stare on him through the thicket, and he still hears a hushed voice
  
  That appears… from his left. His body jerks towards the east, easily lifting him from the water to follow Jay’s figure as he approaches the lake. Wh-What? His mind sputters, and in the spark’s second it takes for him to return his gaze to the previous spot he’d been keenly observing, he finds the shadow gone, replaced with cracks of withering wood his fingers itch to peal off. Huh, he frowns, What was that about? Logic assures him it must be one of William’s notorious kids or one of those sickening couples who sneak into the forest because it gives them the privacy they’ve lost in their parents home; these groves, as much as Lino wishes they did, don’t belong to their group only.
  
  His psyche however, slices a blade down the edge of an iron sword, and Lino hears its sparkle circle all around them, rushing past the trees.
  
  “Oh, hm?” He comes back, the sound of Jay speaking reminding him the reason why they decided to take this trip tonight in the first place: Because I’m mentally fucked, and so is everyone else in this shitty town. Not that he was going to be sticking around that much longer: there’s multiple dates circled on his calendar, two readily driving closer, but Lino… doesn’t want to think of that. Not yet, at least. And that’s another thing he loves about his dark-haired friend: he won’t bring this subject up without reading consent on Lino’s face first. He loves his other friends too, but sometimes, he wishes they would read the mood before speaking.
  
  Lino clears his throat. “It’s not that cold, kind of nice actually.” Ajay should probably be sceptical of that statement because Lino is a cold-blooded freak who barely ever flinches when his friends shove chilling popsicles down the back of his shirt. He doesn’t feel cold that easily. And he isn’t easy to fluster as well, but there’s a reason why he intentionally avoids letting his eyes linger on Ajay’s stripping, and instead, keeps himself engrossed with the funny view of Blue snapping her little paws in the water. “Your cat’s so weird,” he snorts but scratches her head nonetheless, earning himself an irritated Meow! in response. “Okay, tough guy,” he raises his hands in surrender, wading backwards to the deeper parts of the lake.
  
  “Hey, Jay-bird,” Lino hoots, “Think fast.” He balls a piece of red fabric in his hand and tosses it over the ripples the sudden movement makes. There’s a shit-eating grin on his face, tongue swiping over his canine like he’s hot shit, when his boxers land perfectly on the curve of Jay’s forearm. “Just take it all off, be one with nature and all,” he tips his head, eyes glazing the other boy’s toned calves. “I’ll give you three bucks later if you run down our street naked as birth too.” There’s a challenge in there somewhere, but maybe not so much, because bets like these always end up with both of them embarrassing themselves.
  
  In the moment he notices Jay’s backpack slumped against the ground, his entire demeanour changes, eyes now reflecting a childish innocence rather than the teenage flurry they did before. “Did you bring a treat for me?” He works for the only diner in town, and God knows how many times Lino’s barged in after hours to munch on leftover fries he’s way too generous to let go to waste. It probably annoys Jay how he sits on the counter while the brunet cleans the place up, but what can he say, the old woman, Petunia, loves him (debatable with how she always swats his arm and scolds him for being a distraction, but she still lets him loiter so… truly, who’s the winner here).
  
  “I kinda… blew my check over Mary Jane last week- which, you’re welcome, by the way.” He meant to buy enough just for the two of them, but then the others found out and threw a hissy fit about how he was purposely excluding them, and had him buy a load more in compensation. Not to mention how he was also trying to save some extra cash up on the side. “I think I had cigarettes in my drawer but ah, I forgot to bring them.” And his lighter was out of fuel, he sighs, shrugging, “Shit’s not good for you anyway, I’m trying to quit the habit.” Eighteen and dead from lung cancer—how lame—was not how he planned to go.

  
  
  

  
  
  
  

♡ design by dreamglow, coded by uxie ♡

 

[solarsaphia]

• .
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• filler
• 
  
  
  

  
  
  
  

  a lil worried

  
  
  
• 
  
  
  

  
  
  
  

  the lake

  
  
  
• 
  
  
  

  
  
  
  

  candygore

  
  
  

There’s a flash of something in Lino’s eyes— what, he can’t tell— but in a moment, it’s gone, and Ajay snaps back to the present. He’s not the type to pry, anyhow. It makes him feel sick to his stomach, that idea of prying out information or tough conversation, and tonight is meant to be light-hearted. A release from the present. He breathes in the smell of nature-brushed water and the rustle of wind in the trees and lets his head tilt towards the lake.

“Not cold for you, I’m sure,” Jay snorts, glancing back at the form of his friend floating easily in the water. Goosebumps have already erupted along his arms, not unpleasant but indicative of the temperature, and he’s sure the rest of his body will follow when he gets into the water.

The sight of Blue and Lino playing around makes his chest erupt with unexpected joy. He fights to keep what he’s sure would be a stupidly-dopey grin off his face, settling for half-smiling as he sits down by the lake’s edge, feet dangling above the water’s surface.

His eyes widen. “Huh?” The boxers smack him in the arm, and he groans, all but rolling his eyes as he tosses the red fabric aside. Heat’s gathering on his cheeks— he’s always been more modest, dragging his feet with poorly-concealed fondness as the rest of their friend group drags him into dares and challenges. “Fine. No running down the streets, though.” Ajay jumps into the lake, smirking as the water splashes Lino’s hair. “We’ve scarred my mom enough for one lifetime.”

Once he’s waded into appropriately-deep waters, Jay throws off his boxers as well, wincing as they hit the tree with a thump. “Once we’re done swimming, yeah. I know you love those jam-filled cookies.” He shivers, feeling the icy cold seep into his skin.

Petunia’s not the easiest to convince, but Ajay knows she has a soft spot for their ragtag gang. Better her than some of those not-so-subtly prejudiced older folks around town. All he has to do is stay a little late, making sure not to drop any dishes or burn someone’s eggs (both feats in and of themselves), and she’ll turn a blind eye as he stuffs some of his friends’ favorite goodies in his backpack. Sometimes it pays to be that one kid who works the diner, and Jay’s determined to milk it for all it’s worth.

Not to mention Lino always returns the favor. “No shit,” Jay returns, tone dry. He, too, wasn’t keen on dying from lung cancer at an early age, but that feeling of lighting up with a friend by his side was irreplaceable. “We probably won’t have the money for it, anyways, after we— ”

He pauses, swallowing. “Leave. I guess.” Tension is creeping back into his spine, rolling in the recesses of his mind and stiffening his bloodstream. They hadn’t talked about it much, and for good reason. Ajay wasn’t the only one in their friend group to be caught between a rock and a hard place, be it family or the nerve-wracking uncertainty of the outside world, and Lino was never one for dragging on serious conversations.

A splash of water catches Jay’s attention, and he reaches out with a tired smile so he can pet Blue. She’s paddling towards him, looking like little more than a drowned rat with her matted fur, and he’s grateful for the distraction.

“Anyways,” He laughs, voice quick-pitched in the way it is when he’s nervous. “It’s cool we get to talk. There’s kinda, uh— ” He cuts himself off. “Something.” His words are stilted, a step beyond his usual thoughtfulness. Something is creeping within his heart, the restless beat of his pulse, and he can’t quite blame the dull heat in his cheeks from the embarrassment from earlier. He’s been thinking about that for a while now. His thing about boys. Jay’s not the type to make assumptions, especially when he knows being straight is the norm, but he keeps flashing back to their trip to that riverside town. It had just been the two of them, wandering the markets, and Lino had been— well, not obvious, but clear enough to see through to the other side.

ajay khatri

these polaroid days

♡coded by uxie♡

 

[candygore]

C

filler! ignore

C

filler! ignore

• aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
• aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

• 
  
  
  

  
  
  
  

  celino

  
  
  
  

  running all the red lights down

  
  
  

  
  
  
  
• 
  
  
  

  
  
  

  
  
  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  

  
  
  
  

  
  

  location

  
  

  lake

  
  

  
  
  
  
  

  
  

  tags

  
  

  solarsaphia

  
  

  
  
  
  

  
  
  
  

  
  
  
  
  

  There’s something in Ajay’s tone that immediately alerts Lino and has him dropping his usual flippant persona in an instant. He’s picked up on a lot of his friend’s quirks over the past few years and this is the most blatant one yet: his clipped speech whenever he has to talk about something unnerving, something that should best remain secret. What better day to spill secrets than tonight: they’ll all drown in the lake, and the two of them will walk away as if nothing’s changed (except the subtle understanding between them).
  
  Lino is more than ready to listen, with his front turned to Jay entirely, but a shaky laugh escapes his lips at the silence that settles in the forest after Jay’s initial claim: there’s something. “Sorry, I uh-” It’s reminiscent of all the pep-talks and awkward self-stares he’s had in front of the mirror as preparation for the day he wanted to be truthful to everyone. The time hasn’t come yet, but he might as well, right? The moon had already darkened behind its blanket of twilight-cloud before Jay had mentioned the topic of them leaving.
  
  He lifts a wet hand from the water–droplets beckoning it back where it’s safe, the comfortable territory–and rakes it through his dry mop of hair. “Actually, I have something to tell you too,” he confesses, not quite meeting the other boy’s eyes anymore but keeping his hazelnut gaze on his distorted reflection nonetheless. “I should go first-” -You might not want to associate with me afterwards, he leaves it unsaid. He doesn’t understand why he’s so nervous, Jay probably already knows: he’s always been the most observant, the cooling embers in his eyes that ignite every time they’re out and he leans into Lino saying “We should head back” and it turns out, that’s exactly what most people wanted.
  
  Lino is… more carefree, not nearly as caring for others when they find themselves opportunities to let loose. Like, the last time they attended the riverside rave, and the two of them had broken apart from the rest to go buy snacks; Lino had been pleasantly buzzed on illegal beer, leaning his weight too far onto the stalls, his hands too adventurous and coiling strands of short hair around them. Jay had to drag them both back in the end with the food in his hands. Lino had apologised, and then some more the next day when he remembered, but he also spent that week studying the dark-skinned boy a little closer than usual. Does he know?
  
  “Do you know?” It’s the wind that carries the words out from within him, he doesn’t even realise they’re sticking to the humidity around them until he feels his Adam’s apple vibrate in his throat. “Oh, uh-” He shouldn’t stall. There’s nothing he has to lose anymore when they aren’t going to stay in contact after this summer anyway. But his heart is convulsing, chest concaving with anxiety. “I…” His lips remain locked around the word, heat from his core raising to his cheeks. Lino groans, agitatedly rubbing the heels of his palms into his eye sockets. “Fuck sake, I like blokes,” he blurts, frustration gritting his teeth.
  
  There’s a comfortable space separating their naked bodies. In hindsight, if they were going to have this conversation in the first place, he shouldn’t have boldly suggested they strip everything. Lino takes a step back, all emotion on his face now concentrated in the crinkles between his brows and the deepening of the corners of his lips. “And girls,” he hastily tacks on as damage control, “I do like Melissa, please don’t get me wrong. I haven’t ever cheated on her, I swear.” They aren’t dating exclusively but that sure as hell is the impression they have on everyone who isn’t part of their circle of friends.
  
  “If you want me to leave…” He starts, his stomach unable to handle the dooming quiet of the creek anymore, the tranquility no longer tranquil because now, he can feel the hints of foreboding augury holding the environment penned within its fences. There’s a fire clawing at his back despite the chill of the lake, and it has him wanting to stay doused while his thoughts want him to leave, Give the man his space, Lino. “I can leave, but I’m taking the cookies with me.” His nervous attempt at a joke falls flat on its face. He doesn't want to go, not really. So his voice goes brittle, and his hair falls over his eyes, "...Say something please?"

  
  
  

  
  
  
  

♡ design by dreamglow, coded by uxie ♡

 

[solarsaphia]

• .
• .
• .
• .

• filler
• 
  
  
  

  
  
  
  

  relieved

  
  
  
• 
  
  
  

  
  
  
  

  the lake

  
  
  
• 
  
  
  

  
  
  
  

  candygore

  
  
  

The catch in Lino’s voice draws Jay from his worry-wrought thoughts. It’s just so rare for him to hear his friend nervous, his laugh settling roughly in the air like it doesn’t quite belong, and concern immediately bubbles up. Had something happened? Lino had seemed fine earlier, bubbling with that same nonchalant charisma he brought to each hour they spent by each other.

And yet, he wouldn’t dare match a winning smile with a happy life. He’s grown familiar with that sort of mask. Tension keeps his shoulders stiff, half apprehension and half surprise, but he forces his gaze to shift from Blue. Looking Lino in the eyes proves futile, so Jay settles for watching him bob in the lake in what's hopefully a non-creepy way. “Go ahead.” He smiles, the expression tugging almost painfully at his lips. Maybe Soleil’s right about those brightly-colored lip balms she carries around 24-7.

The problem is, Jay is not a combative person. He plans, he smooths things over, he watches from afar and figures out a lot more than others think he does, but there’s something helplessly terrifying to him in having nothing but hope's support. A situation can go sideways in an instant, a friendship broken with one wrong word spilled from his lips. It’s why he hates waiting like this, breath bated as he watches Lino’s fair skin glint under the moonlight, even as his gut tells him that he does know. His mind’s far too jaded to accept a jumbled heap of coincidences and observations as cold-hard fact.

Like an orchestra, quivering as the coda draws to a close, the tension reaches its peak and then snaps in an instant. The air lightens, shifting off its suffocating weight from his lungs. Lino’s still talking, but he barely hears it, his head buzzing with this odd sort of relief that only comes from a high-stakes situation like this.

But still, there’s the pain he can see written into Lino’s features, frustration bleeding into fear into an emotion he can’t quite name, and Ajay’s chest tightens painfully. He needs to know. Not tomorrow, when the light of day makes all those worst-case scenarios seem far too real. Not later, because Jay doesn’t even know if they’ll get a later, with the way they both seemed destined to leave their town behind.

“I—” He has to stifle an inappropriately-timed snort as Lino’s offer of leaving strikes some melancholic chord of humor. His friend’s voice is fragile, now, and the plea to reply fuels some reserve of courage Jay didn’t know he had. He steps (well, wades) forward, reaching out and grabbing Lino by his unfairly-muscular shoulder. “Lino.” His voice is lower, now. More confident. “It’s ok.”

Without any script to go off, with nowhere to run, he manages to find the words. “Seriously. You stole what I was gonna say.” He smiles, albeit still a bit nervously. “I like guys too.” It feels freeing to say it aloud, that which he had only dared to think when the rest of the town lay fast asleep. He takes in an empathetic breath, not realizing how lightheaded he had gotten waiting in his statuesque silence for Lino to speak. “And yeah, I think I sort of knew.” The reply lilts into a higher pitch, almost questioning. “I mean, it wasn’t anything that obvious. Just sort of a… feeling? I guess?”

Jay lets Lino’s shoulder go, his burst of determination dwindling. “Yeah,” He says, his voice tapering off into the cold night air, and soon finds that his gaze returns to the lake. There should be awkwardness in how they’ve gotten closer, but all Jay can focus on is oh god he doesn’t hate me and it feels like he's lifted an anvil from his chest.

Around them, the wind is whistling. It’s quiet and low, not entirely unexpected considering the temperature of the season, but the accompanying chill is enough to make him shiver. He’d forgotten all about how damn cold the lake was. Jay tucks one of his arms into the other, hunching in an attempt to ward off the chill, and stares at the way the water ripples with subtle movement as he waits for Lino’s response. He doesn’t want to look up. There’s no way he’s risking seeing that look again in his friend’s eyes, fragile and anxious, and some ultra-paranoid part of him is whispering that the shadow from before might still be watching.

ajay khatri

these polaroid days

♡coded by uxie♡