ProTip: Show, Don't Tell.

[DividesByZer0]

Show, Don't Tell. Yeah, that sounds easy, but what, exactly, does show mean?


Let's look at an example: John ate breakfast, then he took a shower and went to the store. At the store he met a girl and they talked for a long time. John liked her but she blew him off. Then he went home.


Tells you a lot about John, huh? Okay -- so this example is really exaggerated, but it hits home the necessity of showing and not telling. What can we do to fix it? We need more detail, especially dialogue and action.


Consider:


John studied the frozen dinners. He'd had turkey and dressing for the last four days, so Salisbury steak would be good for a change. But did he want the Big Man's or the regular?


A scent teased his nose. Not the overwhelming smell of fish and frostbite, but a fresh smell, like the smell of skin just out of the shower. He glanced sideways and saw the most perfect arm he'd ever seen in his life. Long, slender, graceful, full of sinewy muscle and smooth skin. His eyes followed the arm to the shoulder and then the head. Her head. A head covered with long blond hair and containing a face that made his heart stop.


"Hi," she said, her voice rich and melodious.


John's mouth didn't work. He tried to return her greeting, but only a grunt came out. He tried to smile politely, but his face erupted with a grin as large and toothy and goofy as a cartoon character's . . .


So now you have the idea. We need details. We need to know thoughts, feelings; we need to smell the perfume, taste the wine, feel the cashmere. Anything less cheats the reader from experiencing our imaginary world.

 

[DividesByZer0]

Part 2:


We also get into the "show, don't tell" problem in less apparent ways. For example, in description. Mary was a pretty girl, with blue eyes and blond hair. That is telling. Consider: Mary's blue eyes glistened with joy, her blond hair bouncing with each step. That is showing.


Instead of saying Molly is a wonderful person, say Molly is always there when anyone needs her. She's the first to arrive with a casserole when someone is sick, the first to send a note of encouragement to those who are troubled, the first to offer a hug to anyone -- man, woman or child -- at anytime.


Instead of saying Sam is a talented musician, let us hear the crowds cheer, let us feel his passion. Take us into his head as he strokes the piano keys:


Consummation of the soul. That's what Sam called the gratification he received from music. When his passion became so intense it begged to be satisfied, pleaded to be released, and he was helpless to resist its urges. When his fingers assumed a life of their own, titillating the ivory keys with the complex music of Bach and Mozart and Beethoven, and he became one with the cadence, breathing with the crescendos, his fingers caressing the melody, until everything else faded, everything else disappeared, and only the music existed.


Instead of saying Marci is a spoiled child, let us hear that whine. Let us -- never mind. Just offer her some cheese to go with her whine and forget it. I really don't want to hear it.


Dialogue is another area where we have the opportunity to show or to tell. "I love you," she crooned. "I love you, too," he sputtered. And I cringe.


First, using creative dialogue tags (crooned, sputtered) is one of my pet peeves, but we're all guilty of it (including myself). Second, not every one understands these words and it is cheap. It is telling, not showing. Ideally the power of your dialogue and the accompanying action show your reader the tone of voice and the emotion, so you don't have to tell them. Consider: "I love you," she said, her voice smooth as her fingers massaged his Rolex. "Love you, too," he said. His glassy eyes roved over her body, his mouth too wet and limp to form words properly.


Your writing doesn't need to be overwhelmed with other words "expressing" how they spoke. Said can do the trick as well.


Lastly, you don't want add too much detail. Bombarding your reader with too much detail can cause them to lose focus. It can confuse them and the very world you set up can be lost. Sometimes less is better. Tell -- or show rather -- the most you can with the least amount of words.


You can't tell us someone is a wonderful person, a talented musician or a spoiled child. We won't believe you. You must show us. Throughout your post, look for any opportunity to show us in real time, to act out, to let us feel. The difference will amaze you.

 

[DividesByZer0]

I'm thinking of writing another tip. If this was helpful, and people show interest, I might do so. Does anyone have any suggestions or interests in particular things?

 

[Andry Djawija]

So the essence of it is to describe more.. but i guess, we don't make it so that it exaggerate too much, right?

 

[DividesByZer0]

Correct, I try to say more with less.

 

[Aru]

This is really useful! Thank you for writing this~

 

[Vasey105]

A lot of people struggle getting their descriptions to be good enough, so this is nice and helpful. Good job.

 

[Chiberz]

I like the way you've described things here - kudos!

 

[Stormlight]

here[/URL]<<). Problematic is, you don't want to overdo it either. Why do you want to show instead of tell? Engross the Reader in the World and make the scenes more vivid and alive, the problem is, if you do it constantly there's no highlighting and what should be special is now just normal. These vivids scene don't have the same effect as before and in due time your readers will get exhausted by bombarding them with detail over detail, over detail.


That is probably a huge factor that differentiates you from other role-players and writers alike. Writing is about balancing the showing and the telling, by carefully using pace and other factors. You can actually say telling is summarizing and showing is the action, the meat of the story or your post.


Great Tutorial, you can easily post more examples but i think it demonstrates more than enough, the point of why showing more will improve your writing tremendously.

 

[DarkSideOfTheMoon]

Such a great point! Although I do struggle when it comes to when is enough. enough? I mean to go into farther detail every sentence can't be "Jason arose from his restless night of sleep to awaken to a glistening white blanket frozen on the earth. He dashed across the threshold of his door into the hall where he thrust open the door to use the lavatory. Once he had received himself he then began to wash his hands in the brisk ice cold water. Lathering the soap round and round Jason then rince D off his hands and with bright eyes he looked out the window to see the joy and happiness that was sprinkled apon the untrodden ground. It was an artists dream the world, a jiant palette free from burden or footsteps." Now I can go on and on and on and pack it full of detail but truly when is there a good time to relax? And stop to say is it good enough, I don't want it to sound boring. What do we get out of this? I can summarize this in one sentence "Jason wakes up its a brisk snow day and he goes to the bathroom and while he washes his hands he gets captivated by the fresh world outside am I wrong?

 

[DividesByZer0]

Such a great point! Although I do struggle when it comes to when is enough. enough? I mean to go into farther detail every sentence can't be "Jason arose from his restless night of sleep to awaken to a glistening white blanket frozen on the earth. He dashed across the threshold of his door into the hall where he thrust open the door to use the lavatory. Once he had received himself he then began to wash his hands in the brisk ice cold water. Lathering the soap round and round Jason then rince D off his hands and with bright eyes he looked out the window to see the joy and happiness that was sprinkled apon the untrodden ground. It was an artists dream the world, a jiant palette free from burden or footsteps." Now I can go on and on and on and pack it full of detail but truly when is there a good time to relax? And stop to say is it good enough, I don't want it to sound boring. What do we get out of this? I can summarize this in one sentence "Jason wakes up its a brisk snow day and he goes to the bathroom and while he washes his hands he gets captivated by the fresh world outside am I wrong?

Ok the trick here is called "Killing your darlings". If it is not a vital detail that reveals some thing necessary to the plot or character, cut it out of your post. The setting is nice to have a detail or two, but don't go over board. Trust your reader, in that they have an imagination to see what you intend. Don't force every little detail on them, it takes the fun out of it. If you would like maybe I can expand on this in another post about this subject. I've been debating what if anything else I should cover.


UPDATE: More information on Killing your darlings here: Roleplay - Pro Tip: Kill your darlings

 

[TheCreepyMotnahp]

extremely useful for roleplaying! thx!

 

[thespacekid]

Hey, I have a question related to this. My characters rely heavily on internal monologue to figure out things, and I think that happens because as a person I do that too. But I realise how it kills RP so easily. Is there a better way of ensuring that there's no internal monologue, and at the same time making it obvious what the character is thinking?

 

[DividesByZer0]

Hey, I have a question related to this. My characters rely heavily on internal monologue to figure out things, and I think that happens because as a person I do that too. But I realise how it kills RP so easily. Is there a better way of ensuring that there's no internal monologue, and at the same time making it obvious what the character is thinking?

Yes it's called "killing your darlings". The phrase basically tells us to cut elements from our work that doesn't serve to further the work as a whole (move the plot forward etc), even if those elements are ones that we love.


It may seem like erasing the things you love will make the story less passionate, and hey under some circumstances, that might be the case. However, upon doing this we actually enhance our story, and create the best possible version of our work.


Is the monologue absolutely necessary for us to understand him? If so, then make him act on the thought. Maybe your character thinks Jenny is a total ho-bag or her breath smells like week old dirty laundry. So if he can think it, he can say it! Better yet even act on it and give her a tic-tac. Now there is something for us to work with. If he keeps to himself there is no tension, no drama, no interest.


Each of our character's words and actions needs to serve a purpose. To ensure that they do, consider why you've included each one. Do they help readers better understand the main plot line, or present a seemingly inconsequential event that will make a major impact later? Do they foreshadow future events or reveal new information about our main characters? If not, cut it from your post.


(More shameless self-promotion: Roleplay - Pro Tip: Kill Your Darlings and Finish Your Stuff!)


Hope this helps.

 

[Ozmic]

I'm angry at myself for not seeing this tip earlier! Brilliant tip that ALL roleplayers should follow, in my opinion, and something that goes almost criminally underutilized in some detailed posts.


Anyone can tell you what's happening in a scene. Some may even be able to tell you ever detail. But to paint a picture of a scene in someone's mind? That leads to something that sticks in the brain of the reader.


Yes, facts are great, but feeling is what makes or breaks a post for me.

 

[DividesByZer0]

[QUOTE="Mr. Grin]I'm angry at myself for not seeing this tip earlier! Brilliant tip that ALL roleplayers should follow, in my opinion, and something that goes almost criminally underutilized in some detailed posts.
Anyone can tell you what's happening in a scene. Some may even be able to tell you ever detail. But to paint a picture of a scene in someone's mind? That leads to something that sticks in the brain of the reader.


Yes, facts are great, but feeling is what makes or breaks a post for me.

[/QUOTE]
Thanks a lot for the kind words. I'm glad you enjoyed it. =)