Poem That I just wrote rate it?

[Twitch]

Wheres god?


From the ground,


he is no where to be found.


I have been crying out,


Does he not hear my pleas?


I've prayed for forgiveness,


I've paid my fee's.


I ask for one thing,


but i get nothing.


I wore my heart on my sleeve,


I tried to beleive...


Now im laying here, lifeless,


I cannot breathe.


The one I trully love, is gone,


to places high above.


I tried to be good enough,


i tried so hard.


Now My heart lays in shards,


He says to forget.


But how can I forget his touch,


his warm embrace.


It took me to a better place.


His promises, our dreams,


swirl around my head.


Inside and out, I am now dead.


I remember his kiss,


his touch, his love.


It's gone,


the thought hits me like a wall of bricks,


I thought it was somthing only divinty,


could have sent me.


But now I see


it was the devils tricks.

 

[Lulabell]

This is interesting. It's a little rough around the edges, in my opinion, but the content flows nicely and the last line is very dynamic. Bravo!

 

[Grey]

Grammatically inconsistent in a way that adds nothing.


Rhyme scheme is all over the place, making it feel clunky and flow poorly.


Barely any use of metaphor which makes it flat, and the word choice isn't very dynamic. It doesn't have much emotional punch, and therefore goes on for a bit too long.


Not terribly coherent, either - at first it seems like mourning a death, but then it becomes clear it's about a failed relationship; you could do something interesting with that, however.


I don't mean to deride the intensity of the emotion behind it - you're obviously pained by the experience, and I think most of us have been there at least once - but the way its conveyed is just unappealing.


Maybe consider making it shorter, picking a poetic structure other than blank verse, and being far more careful in your choice of words? More sensual language?

 

[IrridesentBlaze]

Very nice I think you have potential and talent.