Viewpoint Out of curiosity, what do people consider "Ghosting"? Is there a milestone, vibe, or time period after which not messaging back becomes ghosting?

[Eldritch_Cat_Creature]

Hi everyone

This might be a weird question, but I see a lot of posts about "ghosting" on here, and I was wondering what people consider "ghosting" VS simply not replying, if there's a difference at all, and how similar/different opinions on this topic are!

For instance, I don't always view leaving an RP or RP-related chat as ghosting, I feel like to be "ghosting", you need to spend a certain amount of time writing together, or to come to a certain agreement. Otherwise, it's just "not replying".

As an extreme example, one time somebody accused me of "ghosting" after not responding to their introductory message, even though I hadn't logged on to the site in a week. To me, not getting a reply after initially reaching out via DM is not "ghosting", because you and that person had absolutely no agreement. I also feel like leaving during the OOC/initial plotting phase isn't ghosting either, it's just.... not replying, which for me is different XD

For me personally, it begins to count as ghosting after you've made an official RP server (Discord), or set up separate OOC and RP threads in RPN. I feel like at that point, you've made a level of commitment that makes the situation more "official" in some capacity.

What is everyone's take on this?

 

[Onmyoji]

In my personal opinion, it's when there was already a definite agreement or the rp has already started , and then a person would not reply to you but you see them replying to other roleplays or looking for new partners.

So I agree with your definition, there has to be some level of commitment before the "not replying" starts.

 

[nerdy tangents]

Yeah I feel like most people when they say ghosting what they really mean is “someone is ignoring me when they’re online.”

Because like if you haven’t signed onto the website at all since the last contact then most people just say “oh well something came up IRL, they’ll catch up to me when they have access to the website.”

But people think if someone is online and not responding to their individual discussion/thread, etc. then they are ghosting.

Personally I don’t really care how long it takes someone to reply to me nor do I stalk my partners online status.

If you don’t reply for a week I do a wellness check then put the conversation on hiatus for a month. If you don’t reply by then I will delete it. (Unless you specify beforehand hey I might only reply once a month).

 

[Sorin]

I find any non-response to anything to be considered "ghosting", but I'm a very definition-based person. That said, ghosting doesn't really bother me regardless nor do I really seek out partners who aren't responding, but I think it would bother me more for Roleplays that are started, so I 100% see where folks are coming from when they consider that to be ghosting.

 

[Yunalescaa]

I consider a partner has ghosted when the roleplay has started, and they haven't spoken to me IC or OOC in at least 6 months. I agree with the above statements that "ghosting" had kind of gone from "You leave the RP with zero notice and I can't reach you" to "I saw you rt something on twitter but you haven't written anything for me in an hour". I think the difference you're looking for is simply "I cannot reach you". If someone is still talking to me OOC and just not replying, that's not really ghosting imo. People have different amounts of energy for different things.

As to where you consider the ghosting, it really all depends. You say "When I've made the server or thread and you don't say anything". I've had people add me on discord and then they haven't signed in to message me back since June of last year. I would consider that ghosting, even if all we talked about was what we wanted to RP. That's kind of why I prefer saying "if you haven't spoken to me in x amount of time".

Not that anyone asked but I'm completely unbothered by ghosting. I've done it, I have people I rp with on and off who have done it, I have friends I've never rp'ed with who have done. We all have at some point. I emphasize real life comes first. You don't owe me that if you don't want to tell me. Does it hurt? Sure! I've started some great RPs that have come to a very sudden stop after 2-3 posts. Life happens, and I respect that.

 

[Idea]

I would consider ghost the abrupt unannounced loss of communication and participation (in RP) that extends beyond a reasonable period while (still) under the agreement (to borrow a phrase) to be a member of that RP. To break that down a little....

--> abrupt: If there is a very clear and gradual decline in activity I don't consider that ghosting. I think you see this most in group RPs rather than 1x1s, where many enter a "zombie state" of low activity that gradually turns into no activity until one day someone decides "yeah this is clearly dead already".

--> unannounced: If someone tells you that they will not be able to be around to RP and/or talk, that isn't ghosting. Even one that is just a sudden "hey I won't be around for a while" isn't ghosting, though it's definitely better if someone can give you an actual justification of course.

--> communication and participation: If someone is still talking OOC or still replying to the RP, I wouldn't consider that ghosting, as they are still present there, just neglecting some aspect of it for one reason or another. Ghosting requires full absence.

--> reasonable period: This will vary wildly from group to group and partnership to partnership. For instance, my 1x1 RPs don't have time requirements for posts because I want length and quality and I understand that comes at the price of pace. I often state that I'm fine waiting for months if need be for those kinds of posts I love. As such, my period of time until I consider I've been ghosted is extremely long (several weeks at minimum depending on the stage of the RP) and largely based on my ability to get an OOC response from the other person. People in RPs with replies every day would likely have much shorter times for when it would be reasonable to consider they've been ghosted.

--> (still) under the agreement to be a member of that RP: If you're expressed interest in an RP, or you're in the planning stages of an RP, then you can already be ghosting someone, IC posts existing is not a requirement. On the other hand, it's also not ghosting if you stop replying after informing people you will no longer be a member of that RP. It's only when a reasonable person would still expect you to be a member of that RP that it is ghosting.

 

[Punkie]

I'm someone who has been writing with folks for about 13 years, and I'll be honest. My definition of what "ghosting" means has probably changed a lot.

First off, I'll start with some of these scenarios coming down to semantics.

Situations that I might not consider "Ghosting" but something else:

No response to a comment and/or private message YOU initiate, and the person hasn't been visibly online or active: Could just be a case of someone who doesn't come here regularly, posted a thread of some kind, and forgot to come back here to check. I've had this instance happen once or twice in the past where I'd posted a search thread on a site/platform I don't use often in desperation of finding a partner, and forgot to come back and check the messages after posting. I'd not call this ghosting, as they never saw the messages in the first place.

Someone initiates (comments on your post or pms you), you respond, and then they don't respond back: I've seen this happen too, and I believe once again sometimes people just forget to respond. Alternatively, they changed their mind and/or lost interest in the concept too fast, so they just abandoned before it began. I'd consider this to be kinda rude, as they could have just said they changed their mind so you won't be waiting up on them, but I wouldn't exactly call it ghosting either.

In essence, I think there is a spectrum that includes "forgot to respond", "they ignored you", and "they ghosted you". I feel like where you are in the planning and writing process will determine where you're at. If you never got a response to begin with, maybe they forgot. If they didn't respond and are actively still posting, they may have just ignored you. If you're in the middle of an rp, or even if you're in the middle of the planning process before the rp, and they disappear, this might be considered ghosting.

So what IS considered ghosting?

The easy answer I think is just to assume if they've stopped responding for a long period of time, they may have ghosted.

I think the real answer is, whether someone "ghosted" or not is dependent on the the specific situation between those participating, how well things were communicated, and what each individual persons preference is for how quickly they expect a response. Really, the communication aspect is most important.

For example: You've been writing with someone for a week now. Normally they respond once a day, suddenly they stop responding. A month goes by with no response to the RP, or any ooc messages with friendly bumps. You can see they're actively looking for new partners and responding to others. This, I might consider ghosting.

Another example: You've been role playing with someone for a week. You typically expect at least one response a day, but they're a bit too busy and can only respond every few days. Perhaps a few days go by without a response, and you might assume they've ghosted as you have a particular expectation for how often you'd like to get responses.

On the flip side of this, I have a few personal examples of how communication can change this view entirely:

Myself and my partner have been writing a story for probably a couple of years now, but we respond in bursts of replies and then disappear sometimes. We'd both consistently reply, then I'd get busy with school and not reply... Neither of us would contact the other for this period of a month or two, until I'd come back around and say "Hey, I was at school but I'm back. Still interested in this RP?" and then we'd get back into consistent responses for awhile. They've done this to me as well, where they'll disappear for a month or two and come back to check that I'm still interested in the plot before we start consistently responding again. At the moment, it's been their turn to respond for a few months now... but I don't really think they've ghosted me, since we've done this back and forth for some time now, are both okay with it, and always end up coming back to it when we're ready.

Another current partner and me have a similar situation. I started getting into writing again recently and started two rps with someone, then found myself having a full plate with real life more often than I'd thought I would. So, I'll go into bursts where we respond to each other multiple times a day... but then sometimes I'll disappear for a few days or a week without a response because I got way too busy to actually write something back. In this case, I either communicate beforehand "Hey, I might not respond for awhile because I've got stuff going on" and they're okay with that. If I end up being too busy to communicate that to them ahead of time, they always send me a friendly "hey, hope you're doing okay!" in ooc every few days to check in, in which I then remember to respond and let them know I'm good, just busy.

Now some folks aren't going to be okay with long periods of time like that in between responses, and that's okay! You're allowed to have that preference and set a boundary. I just think that despite what a preference might be, someone not responding might not be "ghosting" as much as it could be just getting busy for awhile and needing some time before responding.

Overall though, I think communication is key. As long as you're communicating with your partner things like how often you can respond, or if you need to go certain periods of time without responding in between the bursts... and they're okay with it... you can go even months worth without any response and still not be considered "ghosted."

Ah, it's 2am and I've written way more than I intended to when I started this. Hopefully my rambling makes some kind of sense, and answered the question in some kind of way.

 

[Daisie]

Yeah I agree that there are different levels. I'd define "ghosting" as: Intentionally and permanently ceasing contact towards someone with which you had a prior commitment, without warning.

I wouldn't qualify just any conversation as a commitment. If you send message to someone and they don't respond, there's a chance they're ignoring you, but I wouldn't call it ghosting.

If they've responded to you and agreed to any sort of commitment (RP, art trade, or whatever other responsibilities) and THAT'S when they leave, then yeah I think that qualifies as ghosting because of the level of commitment that's been established in your relationship.

 

[GojiBean]

I doubt I'm contributing much since basically everything's been said already. But eh, here we go.

In my personal opinion for anything to count as "ghosting" requires a definitive statement of intent to participate.

This could be anything from "Hey, I'd like to join! Where do I submit my CS?" to actually submitting one and being talkative OOC about what they'll do in the RP once it starts, or anything in between. Once there's a definitive and identifiable form of intent to participate demonstrated or shared, any disappearance thereafter counts as ghosting.

Without that intent to participate, anyone who leaves didn't ghost. They bailed. Which I consider a different form of behavior.

What I call "bailing" simply means they showed curiosity, but no commitment. They poked in, asked a few questions, found it wasn't their cup of tea and bailed.

Not really much different depending on your perspective. But I see them as different. And I tolerate bailing a lot better than I do ghosting.

It's hard for me to get upset at someone disappearing when they never gave me a definitive statement of intent to join in the first place.

Anyway, that's my two cents.

Cheers!

- GojiBean

 

[nerdy tangents]

GojiBean so I know you didn’t intent for it to come across this way but here is why I steer clear of using phrases like “any disappearance after X is ghosting”

Because it presumes someone must put IRL below an online hobby in terms of importance.

I have had multiple partners end up in the ER, suffer long term illnesses, deaths in their family, power outages, etc.

Hell the most extreme example I ever had was someone who was literally chatting with me up until I had to tell them to call an ambulance for freaking heat exhaustion.

Because they were still chatting with me up until they said something like “sorry I’m really dizzy and I think I might pass out.”

Now obviously I immediately freaked out because I don’t want anyone to ever feel like talking to me is worth putting their health at risk. But it also kinda illustrates this unrealistic burden ghosting puts on people.

Because there is a distinction between “hey IRL came up and I am not on the website” and “I just don’t want to talk to you any more so I’m going to ignore you.”

I do think most people mean the second when they talk about ghosting but that isn’t what they communicate. Which is where you get situations where someone feels like they have to put their IRL on hold to reassure a stranger that they haven’t disappeared from what is meant to be a fun hobby.

 

[GojiBean]

GojiBean so I know you didn’t intent for it to come across this way but here is why I steer clear of using phrases like “any disappearance after X is ghosting”

Because it presumes someone must put IRL below an online hobby in terms of importance.

I have had multiple partners end up in the ER, suffer long term illnesses, deaths in their family, power outages, etc.

Hell the most extreme example I ever had was someone who was literally chatting with me up until I had to tell them to call an ambulance for freaking heat exhaustion.

Because they were still chatting with me up until they said something like “sorry I’m really dizzy and I think I might pass out.”

Now obviously I immediately freaked out because I don’t want anyone to ever feel like talking to me is worth putting their health at risk. But it also kinda illustrates this unrealistic burden ghosting puts on people.

Because there is a distinction between “hey IRL came up and I am not on the website” and “I just don’t want to talk to you any more so I’m going to ignore you.”

I do think most people mean the second when they talk about ghosting but that isn’t what they communicate. Which is where you get situations where someone feels like they have to put their IRL on hold to reassure a stranger that they haven’t disappeared from what is meant to be a fun hobby.

That's a fair assessment.

I was presuming it to be understood, since it was brought up several times by others, when I say "any disappearance afterwards" included the idea that they're still active on site elsewhere and ignoring communication efforts with you, specifically.

You tag them in your IC posts, tag them OOC, and try a DM, but nothing. They're active on site, but no longer communicating with you or putting in an effort to participate after committing to joining and participating.

Should have been more clear and just stated that, I suppose.

Cheers.

- GojiBean

 

[Rohlan]

I mean depending on how often me and the other person usually interacted. I mean if we interacted every day and then the other person suddenly stops responding to any sort of contact then either something happened or that person ghosted me. I usually try and give my partners a reasonable time window to reply. Say a month or something of that sort.

Is it possible they're at the ER and haven't had the chance to reach me back for whatever reason? Sure. And I'm sure they'll have the chance to get back to me whenever they come back but after a month of no responses to any sort of contact method then I'm assuming I've been ghosted.

I usually don't block people who ghosted me, though. I simply close whatever RP we were working on and move on.

 

[Grim McGrath]

I discuss it beforehand. But typically if they just never respond period. That's 99.9% of my chats. 100% of them on here just go silent and never respond. I'd say 85% of them are still active here and just ignoring me completely.

 

[Briskie]

To me at least, ghosting is when you complete ignore a roleplay and OOC conversation. For example, I've had roleplay partners just stop talking to me all of a sudden but still be on their socials and replying to other people, but would just leave me on read purposely.
Time frame wise, I give it a solid 2 weeks before bumping conversations, cause life do get crazy, and sometimes we forget about stuff.

 

[ViperBite]

After we’ve decided on a plot, created a server/thread and posted characters and that person disappeared, I’d call that ghosting.