Story Of Fate, Foxes and Foot Traps (critique welcome!)

[MrMopp]

Greycoat was out hunting in the woods. He was hunkered down low in the ferns, ready to pounce on an unsuspecting squirrel, when something launched out of the nearby bushes and bounced around In the air like a rubber ball in a glass cup.

With the squirrel scared off, Grey cursed his luck and walked over to investigate the disturbance. There he found sizable rabbit, struggling, upside down in a spring snare.

He had to chuckle. It seamed he had human ingenuity to thank for an easy hunt. Like most Kitsune, he viewed humans as fragile, pathetic accidents of nature, but he had to admire how they let the environment hunt for them. The trap was simple in design. Just a long, thin rope, one end tied into a noose and laid upon the ground while the other was bending a tree branch downward. Keeping it taut was pair of notched stakes, barely hanging onto a stick tied close to the noose, making what looked a tiny door frame with the complementary carrot on top. The mechanism was tall enough that the rabbit had to put its paws on top of the frame to reach the bait, which would push it loose, which would then make the branch snap upwards, which would then pull the noose around the rabbits legs and yank it into air before you could say "rabbit stew".

Grey clicked his tongue. "Fate is a cruel comedian, isn't she?" He mused. " Led to believe you have a free meal, then in a blink, you find yourself on the platter instead"

Fate apparently had a sense of irony, too. Because as Grey contemplated how he was going to reach his hapless Piñata, he neglected to notice the secondary trap before setting his tail down upon it
...
Naturally, The local woodsman who came by to check the traps was pleasantly surprised to a beautiful, silver pelted fox hanging pretty like a Christmas stocking. And then just PLAIN surprised when it said in a business like tone, "Sooo. Three wishes? Or will you settle for the usual pot of gold?"

 

[Le Foxe]

Greetings, mon ami! That is a fine piece of text there. But it is very short. I understand the point and appeal of the short story genre, but if only it were a little longer. On Greycoat's part, to be exact. And I am not simply saying that because I am a fox! Oh, no! But I would have liked to have learned a bit more about Greycoat before his encounter with the oh so very unfortunate rabbit took place. You see, he struck me as an interesting character even in such a short time on stage. As soon as I read the last line, at once learning that he could speak the language of the fragile, pathetic humans, I immediately wished that I knew more about him. How had he come to be? What was his (recent) life like?

Pacing is otherwise fine for a short story. The stupidity of the rabbit is oh so believable. The carelessness of the fox, however, is not! Oh no, mon ami! But, I suppose anyone can make a mistake. Even a fox. Very well.

The moment I read Greycoat's oh so very ironic musing I had the unmistakable feeling of what was about to happen. Ha-ha! I am not saying that it was predictable, though it might have, but it was well said and made me smile. Silly Greycoat! Was he saved by grace of his business offer? I truly hope so.

 

[MrMopp]

I wish I could like that more! Greycoat Is actually old favorite character of mine. Like literally, "old". I usually have him as a 923 year old, powerful, Gandalf the Grey sort of character (considerably younger right here) but I figured the audience wouldn't care about that for this scene. It's flattering that you got a sense of that.

So according to you, I ought to:

1. Make it longer

2. Give the main character a little more background without overdoing it. (particularly in the first paragraph)

3. Make sure the reader isn't too surprised by his capacity for speech. Maybe hint that there's more to him than their appears.

4. Try not to make the twist so obvious.

Sound right?

 

[Le Foxe]

Oui, exactly! My review made into points oh so very sharply.

Though I should point out... The number four, it is not so much a problem. While an improvement is always magnifique, be mindful that an attempt at this one does not 'twist' (ha-ha!) the surrounding story in a knot unfavorable.

I will be glad to read the revised version, oh yes.

 

[MrMopp]

Thank you . I shall see that you get chance very soon this week, madam or monsieur.

 

[MrMopp]

Still working on the second draft. Should be done in about three days.

Btw, Grey is supposed to be a Kitsune from Japanese myth (or my interpretation of it, anyway) , but since most readers would expect a Kitsune to be a little more godly- or to at least take a human form- I sense it best to avoid directly calling him that in the next draft. As long as I establish that he has magic and many imply that there are other creatures like him, I think I can leave the readers to their imagination.

 

[MrMopp]

I take that last sentence back. I think I need to establish him as a special, magical kind of fox. I mean, no brainer, right? But maybe I ought to find something for him to refer to his kind by, even just something colloquial.

 

[MrMopp]

Or maybe I think to much.

 

[Le Foxe]

I see no need to drop the use of kitsune to refer to Greycoat. It means simply fox. Do not let the possible opinions of people deter you, mon ami. If they are worthy of your story, they will note how you have described the things therein and understand accordingly.

I am staying tuned, but please do not rush solely on my account.