Other Novel trouble

[Tonstad39]

i am beginning a novel called "the criminal enchantress" and i've bern working on the first chapter for quite some time now. I want to know one thing: what do you think about the first paragraph (that I think is below par)


A second story bedroom, It’s like many others bedroom of the house, a young woman named Susanne lies on her bed in a mix of fatigue and reflection. Across from the bed, a hoarse yellow portable 8-track player is on and tuned to a music station that’s playing Diana Ross. Her hand gently caresses the side of her head thinking "A fresh start, but will people like me?" as she had gotten home from registering for classes at UCSC a couple hours earlier. She Just as she got into a sitting position on the bed there was a series of quiet knocks on the door “come in" the woman said.


the novel is supposed to be a supernatural thriller about a psychopathic witch maintaining a normal life as she starts school while hiding her psychotic tendancies. She uses technolagy to plan murders, like using a TV as a crystal ball to see what houses are unlocked and a portable 8-track player to hypnotizing her victim's loved ones into not calling the police.


(i was origionally going to make her psycopathy more of a suprise to the reader by first establishing location and time period, introducing her family and in chapter 2 actually introduce her psycopathy)

 

[AnimeGenork]

Ooooooh time to see if I can be helpful!


Hmm, okay. I guess before I give feedback, I should ask: What point of view are you going for? Is it omniscient or limited? The way you introduced Susanne makes me think it's omniscient, but the rest of the paragraph suggests limited. I only ask because usually when you introduce a character, saying "a young woman named" isn't usually used. Writers usually say something along the lines of, "Susanne (insert surname here) lay on her bed blah blah blah...." It may just be a matter of your writing style, but I just wanted to make sure.  


Most of what I would point out is grammar and punctuation, but I doubt you're here for that, so....

 

[Tonstad39]

thanks for the feedback, it's valiable. i didn't even know the difference between omniscient and limited narrating before your comment. I thought it was a matter of expediting the details so it doesn't drag on like my first draft.

 

[Borkus Lazorus]

Better than most stories I've seen. You've engaged the reader by having a character with a dilemma and introducing a problem. Some things i wanna point out though.

• Make sure to take care of your spelling and grammer. Get a beta-reader.
  
• Maybe, take time to build it up some more. Describe the locale. That's said, it depends on what tone or impression you wanna leave us with.
  

All I have for the moment. 

 

[Tonstad39]

I was actually disputing between having the first paragraph outside the house, describing its location before going into the bedroom scene or simply starting out in the bedroom and the location along with everything else comes when you read more into the chapter.

 

[Julian Spooner]

If you want a prose style that allows you to use both omniscient and limited as you need look into Free Indirect Discourse  (Jane Austen used it it must be good)

 

[Fafnir]

Too little content to judge.

 

[Tonstad39]

well, you wanted a larger sample, well here it is:


A second story bedroom. Susanne Hult lies on her bed in a mix of fatigue and reflection. The hands of an alarm clock next to the bed by the window read “7:04” as the sunset gives the bedroom a slight orange hue. Across from the bed, a hoarse yellow portable 8-track player sits on a very cluttered dresser turned on and tuned in to a radio station that’s playing Diana Ross. "A fresh start, but will people like me?" Susanne thought as she gently caressed her hand to the side if her head. She had registered for her first classes of freshman year at UCSC a few hours earlier.


Susanne had been lying down listening to the radio for the past 40 minutes after having dinner with the rest of her family. She needed rest for it had been a long day of disorientation, student orientation and student loans. Her rest had been meditative until the sound of light knocking was heard on the opposite side of Susanne’s door. “Go away!” Susanne said rudely before a familiar voice responded “I came to talk to you” the voice was her mother, Victoria “No mom, I want to be left alone” Susanne said in a snotty tone of voice as she got up into a sitting position on the side of her bed.


Victoria kindly said on the opposite side of her door “I understand how you feel, disoriented and mad at the world, that’s what I came up to talk about.” Susane got up and walked over to the eight track player and turned it off so she could listen to her Mother. Victoria said “Now can you please let me in?” Susanne thought for a moment before walking up to the door and opening it, allowing her mother to come in. Victoria is a fairly chubby woman with short brown hair and a matronly complexion.


So, what would be a better way to pull this scene off? The dialog to me seems very wooden and unnatural. also should I work in Susanne's description as well as Victoria's.

 

[punkinblackk]

Personally, the description for Victoria seems incredibly forced, and out of place. 


Dialogue typically goes in separate paragraphs, and it seems odd that the mother knows exactly what is going through the daughters mind. 

 

[Tonstad39]

@punkinblackk Thank you very much for the feedback 

 

[Tonstad39]

Where would be a better place to put descriptions?

 

[punkinblackk]

Descriptions aren't necessarily important. 


As long as the story is interesting, most readers won't stop long enough to question what the character looks like for a few pages, at which point you have space to work in a casual description. 


Basically having a character (either themselves, or another character) describe them. 


Other options: drop points about them through your narrative, but only when relevant. 


'She brushed a hand through her long blonde hair'

 

[Elephantom]

Hehe, I hijacked your story. Hehehe.


'Tis was second story bedroom, minimalist in design, and suited for an austere mind. Susanne Hult lied still on her bed, arms sprawled over her bed, and snoring loudly. She drifted in and out of sleep, mind clouded by fatigue. The hands of the alarm clock which rested near her bed, close to the window, read “7:04”. An odd number, it was. The setting sun, visible from the window, tinted the bedroom with a dull yellowish hue. Vivid, but in the end, still bland — a normal sight, though the colour varies often. Across  the bed, and towards the end of the room, a roughly coloured yellow portable 8-track player, a bit jarring to the eyes, sat on top of her cluttered dresser, which had clothing strewn about it. The player was turned on, and kept playing 'Diana Ross' in a loop. Most people might've been irritated by the trifling nature of it, but the dazed Susanne wasn't.


A fresh start, Susanne thought, but will people like me. Half fueled by doubt, half by the mere excitement of inquisition, Susanne pondered, gingerly caressing her hair and tugging it towards the side of her head. People often made it a point to remark about her brown flowing locks, and though it would be a folly to think of it as something markedly distinct, it's still quite pleasant to the eyes of a commoner. 


She had registered for her first classes of freshman year at UCSC, just a few hours ago. She could feel the increasing amount of expectations growing within her mind. She could do little but acknowledge. Better do it whole-heartedly while at it.


Susanne had been lying down and listening to the radio for the past 40 minutes, after having had a quaint dinner with the rest of her family. She fully required the rest, for the majority of her day had been addled with disorienting forms and student loans. Struggling with them, as she thought, proved to be a sisyphean task. Not so much at the end, she just discovered. Her rest had been more meditative, and was just now, before somebody made it a point to knock on her door.


Thud, thud. A dull knocking. Not necessarily a chorus of cacophony, but it held the potential to disturb anyone should it be continued for a moment longer. 


“Go away!” Susanne yelled, her twisting into a hybrid between a frown and a grimace as she waved her hand around in raw terror.


To her surprise, a familiar voice responded. An incomprehensible encounter, she supposed. “I came to talk to you.” The currently, and in Susanne's perception, disembodied voice belonged to her mother, Victoria Hult. She pondered upon whether to call her by her real name, or by the name mothers should generally be acknowledged with by their children. A decision had to be made, and quickly.


“No mom," Susanne whined, "I want to be left alone." She immediately shifted to a sitting position, albeit with difficulty orienting to it. Meditating was a better proposition than listening to her mother's ramblings.


The meagre moment of tranquility was broken by Victoria's kind voice. “I understand how you feel, disoriented and mad at the world, that’s what I came up to talk about.” Her mother said, reassuringly.


Susanne stood up in her bed, got off it, and then walked over to the eight track player, turning it off so she could listen to her Mother with more ease. Straining her ears was the greater of her worries right now. 


“Now can you please let me in?” Victoria continued. Susanne sought answers from her brain for a moment — and thinking that she was a very good mother, and few mothers could truly be good, she decided to take the right action. She strode up to the door, grabbed its knob, and opened it, allowing her mother to come in. 


Victoria was a fairly chubby woman with short brown hair and a matronly complexion. She had a very motherly feel about her, and Susanne often wondered why she acted so rude to her.


Nevertheless, it was a principle, and principles need to be followed.

 

[SilverSkyWolf]

well, you wanted a larger sample, well here it is:


A second story bedroom. Susanne Hult lies on her bed in a mix of fatigue and reflection. The hands of an alarm clock next to the bed by the window read “7:04” as the sunset gives the bedroom a slight orange hue. Across from the bed, a hoarse yellow portable 8-track player sits on a very cluttered dresser turned on and tuned in to a radio station that’s playing Diana Ross. "A fresh start, but will people like me?" Susanne thought as she gently caressed her hand to the side if her head. She had registered for her first classes of freshman year at UCSC a few hours earlier.


Susanne had been lying down listening to the radio for the past 40 minutes after having dinner with the rest of her family. She needed rest for it had been a long day of disorientation, student orientation and student loans. Her rest had been meditative until the sound of light knocking was heard on the opposite side of Susanne’s door. “Go away!” Susanne said rudely before a familiar voice responded “I came to talk to you” the voice was her mother, Victoria “No mom, I want to be left alone” Susanne said in a snotty tone of voice as she got up into a sitting position on the side of her bed.


Victoria kindly said on the opposite side of her door “I understand how you feel, disoriented and mad at the world, that’s what I came up to talk about.” Susane got up and walked over to the eight track player and turned it off so she could listen to her Mother. Victoria said “Now can you please let me in?” Susanne thought for a moment before walking up to the door and opening it, allowing her mother to come in. Victoria is a fairly chubby woman with short brown hair and a matronly complexion.


So, what would be a better way to pull this scene off? The dialog to me seems very wooden and unnatural. also should I work in Susanne's description as well as Victoria's.

You asked for constructive criticism, so here's constructive critism! XD


Firstly you need a consistent tence, you refer to things as being "said" and "read" which are past tence. However you also use words such as "lies" instead of "lay" and saying that "Victoria is" rather then "Victoria was" meaning that some of your words are present tence, meaning that you don't have one consistent tense throughout. I'd recommend past tence. (Also don't say "for the past 40 minutes" as this also comfused tences. Instead just say "for 40 minutes")


Secondly always read your writing aloud with the punctuation you have written. Some sentences such as: 


"Across from the bed, a hoarse yellow portable 8-track player sits on a very cluttered dresser turned on and tuned in to a radio station that’s playing Diana Ross."


don't sound well when spoken. Meaning that you should rethink your punctuation and order of words. It could be something like:


"Across from the bed, on a very cluttered dresser, sits a portable 8-track player. It's tuned into a radio station and is playing an artist's music: Diana Ross."


Thirdly, when doing speech use commas. When describing speech, before the speech use a comma. So instead of:


A familiar voice responded "I came to talk to you"


do:


A familiar voice responded, "I came to talk to you"


(notice the added comma)


And when the description of the speech comes after, use a comma inside the speech. (Only if no punctuation, e.g. Exclamation marks are used at the end of the speech)


Instead of:


"No mom, I want to be left alone" Sussane said


do:


"No mom, I want to be left alone," Sussane said


You could also consider using italics for thought to diffreciate it from speech (and don't introduce it)


So instead of:


"A fresh start, but will people like me?" Sussane thought


you could do


A fresh start, but will people like me?


If you could make some of these improments I'm sure your book will work out better! Sorry for being so critical 

 

[Tonstad39]

Hehe, I hijacked your story. Hehehe.


'Tis was second story bedroom, minimalist in design, and suited for an austere mind. Susanne Hult lied still on her bed, arms sprawled over her bed, and snoring loudly. She drifted in and out of sleep, mind clouded by fatigue. The hands of the alarm clock which rested near her bed, close to the window, read “7:04”. An odd number, it was. The setting sun, visible from the window, tinted the bedroom with a dull yellowish hue. Vivid, but in the end, still bland — a normal sight, though the colour varies often. Across  the bed, and towards the end of the room, a roughly coloured yellow portable 8-track player, a bit jarring to the eyes, sat on top of her cluttered dresser, which had clothing strewn about it. The player was turned on, and kept playing 'Diana Ross' in a loop. Most people might've been irritated by the trifling nature of it, but the dazed Susanne wasn't.


A fresh start, Susanne thought, but will people like me. Half fueled by doubt, half by the mere excitement of inquisition, Susanne pondered, gingerly caressing her hair and tugging it towards the side of her head. People often made it a point to remark about her brown flowing locks, and though it would be a folly to think of it as something markedly distinct, it's still quite pleasant to the eyes of a commoner. 


She had registered for her first classes of freshman year at UCSC, just a few hours ago. She could feel the increasing amount of expectations growing within her mind. She could do little but acknowledge. Better do it whole-heartedly while at it.


Susanne had been lying down and listening to the radio for the past 40 minutes, after having had a quaint dinner with the rest of her family. She fully required the rest, for the majority of her day had been addled with disorienting forms and student loans. Struggling with them, as she thought, proved to be a sisyphean task. Not so much at the end, she just discovered. Her rest had been more meditative, and was just now, before somebody made it a point to knock on her door.


Thud, thud. A dull knocking. Not necessarily a chorus of cacophony, but it held the potential to disturb anyone should it be continued for a moment longer. 


“Go away!” Susanne yelled, her twisting into a hybrid between a frown and a grimace as she waved her hand around in raw terror.


To her surprise, a familiar voice responded. An incomprehensible encounter, she supposed. “I came to talk to you.” The currently, and in Susanne's perception, disembodied voice belonged to her mother, Victoria Hult. She pondered upon whether to call her by her real name, or by the name mothers should generally be acknowledged with by their children. A decision had to be made, and quickly.


“No mom," Susanne whined, "I want to be left alone." She immediately shifted to a sitting position, albeit with difficulty orienting to it. Meditating was a better proposition than listening to her mother's ramblings.


The meagre moment of tranquility was broken by Victoria's kind voice. “I understand how you feel, disoriented and mad at the world, that’s what I came up to talk about.” Her mother said, reassuringly.


Susanne stood up in her bed, got off it, and then walked over to the eight track player, turning it off so she could listen to her Mother with more ease. Straining her ears was the greater of her worries right now. 


“Now can you please let me in?” Victoria continued. Susanne sought answers from her brain for a moment — and thinking that she was a very good mother, and few mothers could truly be good, she decided to take the right action. She strode up to the door, grabbed its knob, and opened it, allowing her mother to come in. 


Victoria was a fairly chubby woman with short brown hair and a matronly complexion. She had a very motherly feel about her, and Susanne often wondered why she acted so rude to her.


Nevertheless, it was a principle, and principles need to be followed.

This was a much better rendition than I would've dreamed myself doing (Your depiction of Susanne's room isn't how I imagined it being, but still). I never thought of such details like the exact sounds of doors knocking or even facial expressions. I'm also used to doing my stories in essay format (5 or so sentences, new paragraph, repeat) and before this thread It didn't occur to me that stories aren't like essays (I don't even read a lot of books myself either). Although to be fair when your typing program is Google docs, how else are you going to write out your stuff when it defaults to 8.5X11, a rare aspect ratio for books, but a unbiquitous one for schools (What I'm trying to say is I don't know how long the chapter will actually be so I assume that layout going on for two google docs pages is dragging on and on)

 

[punkinblackk]

This was a much better rendition than I would've dreamed myself doing (Your depiction of Susanne's room isn't how I imagined it being, but still). I never thought of such details like the exact sounds of doors knocking or even facial expressions. I'm also used to doing my stories in essay format (5 or so sentences, new paragraph, repeat) and before this thread It didn't occur to me that stories aren't like essays (I don't even read a lot of books myself either). Although to be fair when your typing program is Google docs, how else are you going to write out your stuff when it defaults to 8.5X11, a rare aspect ratio for books, but a unbiquitous one for schools (What I'm trying to say is I don't know how long the chapter will actually be so I assume that layout going on for two google docs pages is dragging on and on)

Detail is everything, alongside flow. 


Paragraphs in books can range from a sentence or two (dialogue or heavy tension) to pages long (detailing a new landscape/area or drawing attention to surroundings.)


8.5 x 11 is fine for page size, if it seems to be too much space try increasing your spacing, and upping font size to 14 or so. (1.5 spacing will allow space to edit if you print out your drafts to edit.) 

 

[Tonstad39]

Thank you