Lady Odyssey
Gone.
Don't mind me here. I'm just pissed and heartbroken and trying not to fall apart at this point.
(Basically me just ranting).
Trigger Warning: Heartbreak and Cheating
(Just in case; better safe than sorry, right?)
So. Where the hell do I even begin?
I met him last year. Let's just call him Todd. Todd found me one day, introduced himself, and we instantly clicked. It felt like we had known each other before we had met, if at all possible, and I felt like he understood me without me having to say anything. We became good friends over a few months, and I opened up to him. I told him everything. Like, everything. I told him my fears, my thoughts, and quirky things from my childhood. I told him things I have never told anyone else. We could laugh when sh*t hurts, and we could tell each other anything and everything. Now, you may ask, what happens next?
He asked me out about a year later. I, of course, said yes. We fell in love. Todd loved me. I loved Todd. I know, it's cheesy as sh*t, and I know most people look down upon a fourteen year old falling in love with a person two years older than them, but I said, f*ck it. I loved Todd. He understood me. He loved me for who I was, and he loved my flaws along with my strengths. He held me when I was falling apart from stress of life. Todd was a shoulder I could lean on. He was everything to me.
Fast forward to present day. Todd tells me he has something to tell me. I tell him he can tell me anything, and he says he knows. I of course know something is up, and sit down with him while fear blooms inside me.
Turns out Todd was cheating one me with a few girls this past week.
Three girls, to be exact.
At first, I thought he had to be joking, or pranking me. The Todd I knew and loved would never do that to me, no matter what. So, of course, I burst out laughing and tell him that he's a good actor. Todd stares at me, not moving a muscle. It was then I realized he wasn't kidding. He had cheated on me. He went into explanation of why he banged the three girls. Told me he'd never do that, blah blah blah.
I freaked out, and ran away from the house. This was yesterday, actually. For the longest time, I just numbed myself from all emotion. I refused to believe it. I didn't want to. So, naturally, I didn't feel anything for a long time. After an hour or so lying in bed, the affect hit me. Hard. I sobbed for God knows how long, and convinced myself I was fucking worthless. I told myself I was a piece of shit, and that it was MY fault. I told myself I wasn't good enough, otherwise he would have never gone to other girls. I actually fucking believed he loved me. I feel STUPID for believing he had.
Today, I woke up this morning. Told myself everything I told myself last night, and tried carrying on. My panic attack didn't exactly help, either. I felt like I was suffocating. The worst part is, no one noticed. No one noticed the fucking panic and guilt and heartbreak eating me alive. Why the fuck could nobody see me? I'm falling apart, and I feel alone. There's no one to pick me up anymore. Todd was the only one that could do that. Now I don't have Todd.
Love is a bitch.
How the hell can I trust anyone else anymore? I mean, I have a hard enough time opening up with friends, but now this shit happens? I feel unworthy. I feel naive, stupid. Maybe dating isn't meant for fourteen year olds. Maybe dating isn't meant for me.
./endrant
