Tasteless
Boink Bean
My Husband I met my husband three years ago, at quite the unusual get together. My brother had been stabbed eight times the prior week, and his neighbors had thankfully opened their door to 2am to let my bleeding sibling inside. With previous military training they were able to apply pressure and ultimately save my older brothers life, no thanks to the paramedics that took nearly ten minutes to arrive on scene.
Long story short the man who attacked my brother, who had also been a family friend, was sentenced to forty years in prison.
Once my brother was healed enough to come home, his neighbors held a "Congratulations on Living" party to celebrate my brothers recovery. I attended, not knowing anyone very well since I had just moved to the state and had only known this side of my family for less than a year. Little did I know, my life was going to be turned around in a miraculous manner.
Once I was introduced to the Marble family, (one ones who saved my brother)they introduced me to their only son, Logan. He was shy and clearly an introverted, yet for some reason he decided to open up to me. We got into the subject of videogames and he seemed shocked, yet intrigued. His pick up line, I quote ; "Want to see my set up?" Thus began a relationship that at first was rocky, and we suffered a downfall once or twice, yet could never seem to be able to be apart from one another for very long.
We got married on March 11th, 2017. We didn't have a huge, fancy, million dollar wedding. It was small, it was beautiful, and it was all I could have ever asked for. We were overjoyed to spend our lives together, and to this day that joy has never died for either of us.
My husband left for the military on May 1st, 2017. Much to our joy, that day we also discovered something that should have changed our lives forever.
My Pregnancy On May 1st, 2017 I learned that I was almost five weeks pregnant. We were ecstatic, the family was overjoyed that we would be introducing a new member to the Marble family. I did everything I was told to, I stopped smoking, I stopped drinking, I began to eat healthier than I had in my entire life. My BMI was perfect, and I was walking to prevent myself from becoming terribly overweight during my pregnancy. I had my first doctor appointment scheduled for May 10th, and everything seemed to be going smooth. I was craving, having nausea, occasionally dizzy. Surprisingly all of these symptoms were incredibly mild and that never struck me as odd, every woman is different do perhaps I was one of the lucky few. Until all of my symptoms suddenly stopped, I wasn't feeling any nausea and my food aversion was diminishing. Again, this never struck me as odd. I was experiencing an uncomfortable feeling in my lower abdominal region, once again, this mild uncomfortable feeling never worried me.
May 7th, I was talking to my mother in law about how May 8th was the day my period would be due if I hadn't gotten pregnant, we then went on to looking online at baby names and other items I would eventually need. Once I go to bed, I noticed my pain wasn't as mild as it had been, and felt as if it was progressively getting worse. I researched and everyone said it was common with a growing uterus.
My miscarriage May 8th, I wake up early in the morning to terrible pain, and blood soaked sheets. I pull myself together and attempt to clean up, until my mother in law comes upstairs. I'm guessing she was able to hear my sobbing, my frantic attempt to fix something I couldn't control. Once she sees my situation, she immediately rushes me to the er. After several hours, they inform me that I miscarried my unborn child. I was already dreading the news, and despite the numbness, I broke down.
Have you seen the eyes of people who have lost their homes to tornados, or maybe the eyes of those who cannot find their loved ones after the floods, perhaps you are one of those people. Those eyes surrounded me, as my family was informed of our tragedy. I was surrounded by dead eyes and sunken hearts, as if the world around me crashed down. I felt as if my world was like a machine missing a bolt, or a brick house built on uneven ground. Everything around me fell and I had no way to stop the process, despite my pleas and cries. Have you ever attempted to glue together glass that has been shattered? That was my life, and I was desperately trying to bring back what was lost.
My husband is still in the military, and won't be home until twenty five weeks. I am alone at night, with my thoughts and darkness. I know I couldn't have saved my unborn child, but the sadness is like a coil around my organs, tightening with every breath I take and my child never will.
The image at the beginning of this post was not my child, I never got to see him, or hear his beautiful heart beat. That flutter in the hemisphere center of the image is the heart, I know you can see it because it's impossible not to. My child never got they flutter, and never will.
Moral This is for me to explain how I feel, to vent in a way I can express without having to choke the words out of my burning throat. I don't expect you to read this, or to understand in the slightest.
This subject is rarely mentioned in our world, unless mentioned in a success story. So many women suffer the loss, some even farther along than I was. This issue deserves to be addressed, explained, and understood. No one deserves to feel the emptiness that a loss brings, no one deserves to lose a child or a loved one.
If my story seemed offensive or abrasive, I apologize now because I won't if you mention it.
If you suffered from similar, I can relate to your agony on many levels.
I can only hope that one day, this subject won't be so frowned upon.
