Musings by Fae

[Faenwen]

COLD HANDS


Sometimes I get very intense feelings of discontent. Not sadness. More like...irritation with how things are. Especially after I listen to a beautiful song, or finish an amazing story. Because I start comparing them to real life, and see how it fails to sparkle. Or I see how I could live life like a fantasy, but feel trapped by social convention. I get intense wanderlust, to the point where it hurts to be home. I want to go and have adventures, but no one wants to come with me. I want to just leave, start driving in one direction. Then stop driving for a while, stick around a place for a little while. Set up a camp and just be. Break into some abandoned places and check 'em out. Hide treasure all over the place. I don't know! None of that sounds exactly right, either. I just want to...go be!


I've literally had dreams that were so wonderful, so beautiful and full of adventure that I cried when I woke up from them. And then for the next couple of weeks to a month, I would feel so sad. So sad that it hadn't been real, that I was left with it's memory. Ah!



Listened to it on repeat and wrote this thing. Because it all got so big in my heart. I had to get it out, so here. It ain't much. It's just what came to mind as I felt it all. I feel it now, because I'm listenin to that song right now...and my heart's all achy...The words don't do it, though, unless you feel it too! Go ahead, wish for some adventure first. Get your heart all stuck in wanderlust. Then read and listen!

Spoiler

A warm embrace,


Cold hands holding your face,


Never leave you, never leave.


See the world with me.


My heart is broken for adventure


My heart is broken for the beauty of it


I want the sun to open me up


and pour its brilliance into my head.


My mind creates such beautiful things I can't share


My heart feels them and tells me about them quietly


I want the sky to swallow me up


and pour its infinity into my soul


The music breaks my heart, singing dreams


Dreams that leave me in tears, fantasies lost


I want the river to take me


and pour the world into my heart.


I feel them dripping like water against my skin


tiny visions of brilliant things


Things I can't share


Words have fled from them


Sunlight, but with more fire


Fire unlike ours, fire like the stars


And I see home, home is hiding


I feel the warmth of it


Warmth unlike ours, warmth like the depths


I see life, life like trees and flowers


But more...


They sing and whisper, but songs and whispers unlike ours


Songs and whispers like wind...


I want to touch my dreams


But they would become less


It breaks my heart


The sorrow of it is so beautiful


I can feel their tears,


Hear their quiet tears,


Feel my cold hands on their cheeks,


Feel their warm embrace.


My heart breaks, it bursts.


All of it pours into me


The sun and the sky and the river.


And my ears ring with the songs


And my soul rings with the dreams.

 

[Faenwen]

A Dream Journal Entry


I dreamt that I was on a bridge, high above some cliffs. The bridge connected two stone ledges, the left ledge with a hut on it. On the bridge lay a dead monster, one I'd watched others slay. I felt very happy, because I'd recently been accepted into a small group of friends. My initiation had been in a beautiful part of a park. Little had I known, they were heroes. Saving the world all over the place. And so I was on a mission with some random guy, who I knew was going to try to kill me. But I didn't try to get away. I acted like it was a normal mission.


We were crossing the bridge, and we got near the monster. It woke up, but was powerless. He asked me to let him consume a part of me, so that he could be renewed. I said no, and finished it off. My partner got very upset, and I knew I'd triggered his murderous intention. I tried fighting him at first but it was helpless. So I stepped to the ledge, watched him freeze. I said, "I know I can't beat you. So please, just finish it. Push me over the ledge." But he didn't, so I jumped. I sensed other things falling with me, but I wasn't sure what. When I hit the water, I didn't feel impact. I was just concerned with drowning. I've always feared drowning. It's the last way I want to go, the last thing I want to experience.


I walked myself through it. I told myself, don't swim up. Don't save yourself, even though it's in your power. He'll see that you're still alive, and finish the job himself. So I forced myself to stay under water, to lose my breath, to breathe in some water, and cough and try to replace the water with air, but it was only more and more water, until I was sure I was dead.


The dream fades a little, at least in memory. The next thing I can remember is being in my apartment. But it isn't safe. Outside, the sky is dark. Red streaks cross the stars. My apartment is destroyed, I think by fire. He is back, and he has started the End.


The thing my friends were trying to prevent. And now we're doing our best to fight back.


We met in some sort of fortress, I think. I only remember black walls, and a place where we ate. I don't remember leaving, but at some point we departed and went separate ways.


Some died, I think. Earlier than they should have.


There was something we had...a tool or power...


It became useless. And after a long struggle back at my apartment complex, the details of which I can't remember, there were two of us left. We hid in his apartment, which was close to mine. I remember....something kept happening to the people in my dream. They were turned...changed in some way. I remember barely escaping each time. There was red, not blood. But the dream was slowly turning red. More of it kept showing up, and the edges of the dream were stained by it.


I can feel so many missing details, things that held my heart. But...I can't bring them back, no matter how much I meditate on the dream...


The person I was hiding with, we were eventually found by my old partner. My friend told me to run, and I think he was changed or killed. And I ran to the back, slipping out a window. My old partner was still lurking, I could feel him everywhere. I looked behind me, saw people who were changed all around my apartment. There were tears, maybe. But by now the vividness was fading, my dream slowly slipped away from me. And I woke up.


This entry seems completely wrong. So many missing things....and the things I mention have been blunted. They aren't completely accurate, I feel. It's hard to capture something that was so....mystical. It wasn't a dream that took my breath away or made me feel sad for waking from it, but it was...heavy.

 

[Seelenlos]

I like it