Let me tell you a story

[zeroknight]

(The first verse is not mine, actually is the starter of a song but it lead to the rest. The song is Fly on the wall by thousand foot krutch)


The other night


I had a dream


We lived in a world filled with kings and queens


I hated this world, seeing as it had begun


There was no way we could have won


I tell you of a boy named Sebby


An abomination, not meant to be


In a world so torn


He was simply a boy lovelorn


Until that sinister day, his heart was torn


A power so thick and violent


Unleashed itself like a torrent


Upon the world that had forsaken him


A world that had never seen within


So let me tell you this story


A long story about our history


One of hatred and pain


One of a ginger haired boy, that was slain...

 

[DemonKitten]

Very well organized and some good slant rhymes. The second stanza seems to not flow but I can see it was probably difficult to have good transition, so it's that big issue.


The third stanza should be one line longer just to fit with the rest. The first stanza is an exception but that third one is odd balled

 

[Grey]

You've crippled yourself with that rhyme scheme.