Cavil
idgaf honestly
This is just a rant. If you don't have anything constructive to say, then please don't say it.
I was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder and PTSD. For some reason this diagnosis has really been screwing with my head (probably the 'diagnosis effect') and I've been really stressing out about my erratic behavior. It doesn't make any sense. I'm thinking my bipolar diagnosis is having something to do with my self-reliance and I'm not sure what to do.
It probably doesn't help that I'm not medicated, but this is because I don't like the options that are available to me. I've told my psychiatrist that I don't like the options (partly due to the fact that I get addicted to substances VERY quickly) and she's suggested several alternative paths for me to follow. Unfortunately, I haven't had a lot of time to explore any constructive areas of said alternative paths, so for the meantime I'm an unmedicated bipolar wreck walking around and feeling everything at once and absolutely nothing at the same time. This is reflected heavily in my personality and mood as you can imagine. Most of the time I'm apathetic and I lack empathy for people. I don't feel close to anyone, not even my girlfriend.
But what bothers me the most is that my family, namely my parents, act like my diagnosis doesn't exist. Even though I've repeatedly told them that the reason I have crazy mood swings (because I have bipolar disorder wow so surprising) and they dismiss my mental illness as an excuse to act however I want. I know I know they're old, close-minded jerks and I don't even live with them but it still hurts when your own parents can't accept something about you that you can't change (I'm feeling extra really sorry for closeted people with rigid family right now). My mom and I have always been close but this is making a rift.
I'm very alone in my own world. I feel as though I can't tell anyone, not even my therapist my true feelings about other people. I don't know where to begin to fix myself.
Another red flag about my personality is that I really don't care about myself lately. I put my safety at risk almost daily and I feel no fear or anxiety in potentially dangerous situations. On the FFM test I scored very high on neuroticness and very high in openness but low in conscientiousness. I suppose this goes along with my lack of care but it kind of... scares me. It's like I don't care whether I live or die. I might be subconsciously suicidal and I think that there would be a high chance of me accidently killing myself.
Okay I think that's it for now.
I was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder and PTSD. For some reason this diagnosis has really been screwing with my head (probably the 'diagnosis effect') and I've been really stressing out about my erratic behavior. It doesn't make any sense. I'm thinking my bipolar diagnosis is having something to do with my self-reliance and I'm not sure what to do.
It probably doesn't help that I'm not medicated, but this is because I don't like the options that are available to me. I've told my psychiatrist that I don't like the options (partly due to the fact that I get addicted to substances VERY quickly) and she's suggested several alternative paths for me to follow. Unfortunately, I haven't had a lot of time to explore any constructive areas of said alternative paths, so for the meantime I'm an unmedicated bipolar wreck walking around and feeling everything at once and absolutely nothing at the same time. This is reflected heavily in my personality and mood as you can imagine. Most of the time I'm apathetic and I lack empathy for people. I don't feel close to anyone, not even my girlfriend.
But what bothers me the most is that my family, namely my parents, act like my diagnosis doesn't exist. Even though I've repeatedly told them that the reason I have crazy mood swings (because I have bipolar disorder wow so surprising) and they dismiss my mental illness as an excuse to act however I want. I know I know they're old, close-minded jerks and I don't even live with them but it still hurts when your own parents can't accept something about you that you can't change (I'm feeling extra really sorry for closeted people with rigid family right now). My mom and I have always been close but this is making a rift.
I'm very alone in my own world. I feel as though I can't tell anyone, not even my therapist my true feelings about other people. I don't know where to begin to fix myself.
Another red flag about my personality is that I really don't care about myself lately. I put my safety at risk almost daily and I feel no fear or anxiety in potentially dangerous situations. On the FFM test I scored very high on neuroticness and very high in openness but low in conscientiousness. I suppose this goes along with my lack of care but it kind of... scares me. It's like I don't care whether I live or die. I might be subconsciously suicidal and I think that there would be a high chance of me accidently killing myself.
Okay I think that's it for now.
