Introduction to a Story

[Tom-Pen]

Hey guys! This is the first draft of the introduction of a story I am working on. I'd love to know what you guys think, I am experimenting with a different narration style than what I normally do. Feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Introduction
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The tall skyscrapers of the city, from the ground, seemed to disappear into the clouds above. They were absolutely magnificent, wonderful, but not many had the time to look up and appreciate them. It's a busy world out there after all, and it's full of busy people; you know how people get when their busy, things to do, places to be, no time for anything that is not productive to getting things done and what not. Even people who aren't busy, feel busy, it's the nature of things. Most everyone in this world today feels inherently busy. But, There are some people out there who, for some reason or another, don't feel busy at all. Those people are few and far between though, so don't expect to see too many. They're really more the sort you hear about, you know, those people everyone talks about at parties and such. "Did you hear about Bill?"


"No, what happen to Bill?"


"He just up and quit his job and left."


"Left? Where did he go?"


"Hell if I know." Hell if anyone knew, Bill, and others like him, seemed to just kind of disappear. Like I said though, those people are rare; another rare breed are those who feel so busy, they never have a moment of feeling, well, not busy. Not quite as rare, but still rare nonetheless. They're the sort you see in the office, or out picking up coffee (to go of course), an alarm on their watch beeping frantically as they rush off to do whatever it is they do.


It's funny actually, I once heard about two people, one of each extreme, crossing paths, it's a pretty good story actually. You wouldn't care to hear though I'm sure... Oh, you would? Okay, okay, settle down; now let me see... oh yes! It all started once upon a lunch break.

 

[ClaveVesari]

I like the hook and bait. I would enjoy to read more.


Also, to add, I like the narration. The approach was friendly, and comforting, yet intriguing as to the depth his conversation potentially holds. It also makes me feel as if we see each other, passing through the busy city and never stopped to speak until one rare day, when neither of us were too busy, ha. I like the style. Keep it up.

 

[Tom-Pen]

Oh stop it, you're making me blush... Haha, Thanks, I am going to edit the introduction so keep an eye out for that soon, then once I get that done I will start with some of the actual story.

 

[GatoTechno]

I'm really liking this narration too. It's playful, but still directs the seriousness of what the story may be about. It's a casual narration feeling like I'm being told this story by someone in a coffee shop. I can sit down and relax, take a sip of coffee, and enjoy where the story will go.


Though, at the same time it maybe too casual. Since this is only an introduction, I can't tell how this story will be. Like, if it's going to be a tragedy, thriller, crime or something else. If it's going to be anything but a comedy, I feel as though some may get too comfortable and miss out on important events or hints throughout the story.


This style is worth exploring more~

 

[Tom-Pen]

Very insightful, thank you!

 

[Grey]

It's definitely a chatty, friendly style. You see something similar employed by authors like King, Murakami, and Lundqvist - I'm actually getting faint Murakami vibes from this, like a poor translation.


The problem, to me, is the repetition and clumsy, inarticulate phrasing. Now, that can be entirely intentional - but if it is, one has to assume the narrator is a character. You need to characterize the narrator to justify certain choices in narration. In this instance, I get the feeling the narrator is falsely modest, and thinks of himself as more intelligent or insightful than he actually is. If that's who you want your narrator to be, good job, nail on the head. Might get wearying after a few chapters, but good luck to you.


If, on the other hand, this is meant to be your narration as an author, it comes across as self-indulgent. The textual equivalent of loving the sound of one's own voice. It behoves you to practice economy of language, unless you're aiming for intentionally flowery or meandering prose.