Inside

[Skelo10]

You walked on by

Like a crashing wave

Unstoppable

Your despair and I collided

Knocking me out cold and hard

Sucked in

I was caught in its undertow

Alone and wounded

You were a puzzle missing a piece

Unable to be put together

Incomplete

Dark shadows distorted your pale face

Pain radiated from your skin

Your eyes shot out hurt

Different separated you from the world

Loss echoed in your footsteps

Your outside came easy

It was your inside

I wanted to know​

 

[Dusky]

Hm. I am going to critique this harshly later, which means it has potential. I wouldn't bother pointing out places of improvement if I didn't genuinely want to see it improved.

 

[Poe]

I think you touch on a lot of potential images but use a lot of unnecessarily heavy wording. The greatest piece of advice I ever got from a creative writing professor was to chop down my ideas and to stop trying to "sound poetic." I think there's something very particular that you want to say here and, by cycling through from the water image to the bit about puzzle pieces, you kind of lose the reason for your poem. Break it down, find what you're trying to say and then hone in on it.


That being said, I agree wholeheartedly with @Dusky. There is a lot of potential and after some revision you really could have something wonderful here.