In Between the Characters

[Life.]

I need to calm down.


I need to breathe.


I need some ice cream.


I need some sleep.


I try and try and try but...I can't. This horrifying knot straining my back continues to grow despite my naps and positive thoughts. I don't know what to do. I want to climb out of this turmoil. I desire a challenge but the challenge is destroying me. Should I stay or should I flee?


I-I-I just can't. I want to be positive! I want to succeed! I-I-I...I don't know. But the challenge isn't the only thing stressing me. The many creatures of change are looming around me. Independency is clawing my back turning into something horrid, pride. Yet pride is convulsing before me. It withers as it attempts to grow up shrivels up before the challenge. I can't see any of this but I can feel it upon my spine. Many prickles and stings crawl down my back, torturing the nerves of my brain and soul.


All throughout this conflict lies resignation. This monster ever lies dormant but from time to time it's eyes flutter open wondering if its time will ever come. This beast is the internal fear I carry. I fear that if awakened and holds enough power...it can kill me.


Externally I smile, laugh, and scoff at all the people around me. But my eyes reveal the internal darkness. The litter critters of doubt tend to escape my mouth at times, receiving the questioning looks from others around me. I dismiss the pest and radiate a false smile or wait...not even a smile just the word, "Fine."


Oh how deceiving that word can be. As soon as one says it, many eyes turn away to look towards their happiness and stability. Never once looking back onto the other person who was "fine". Many times have I sincerely used this word but now I understand the underlying meaning beneath it.


It is a signal for help, attention, guidance, something.


For me I seek reassurance.


-TBC-

 

[Life.]

I don't understand why. These emotions inside of me are different than what I have experienced. I feel confusion, jealousy, and mostly frustration. I want to understand...understand why I cannot get this person out of my head. It is not someone who I knew for a long time but rather got to know them in a short interval. Plus they have gone their own way over a year ago now. Things have changed, time has developed us differently yet why am I partly stuck in the past with these insignificant memories. One being of a cheesy joke and another a moment of chance. I-I-I just want to stop all this turmoil that's running through my head.


The thing is this emotion doesn't affect me all the time...it mostly comes when I'm alone or watching moments of intimacy and romance or when I happen to meet up with some specific friends whom they were acquainted with as well. But somehow this person is still clinging onto me...and not the physical person but rather my image of them.


I want to understand why it is still with me and why it won't leave...why I cannot get rid of this...why I want to get rid of it...maybe it is because of rejection, the idea that I have been forgotten or simply that person is ignoring me.


Few instances I have tried to reach out to this person which ends up in silence...no response...just my lips frowning and my heart slightly aching...


But then I try to revitalize myself by trying to forget this someone


...


But then I end up making a scenario where I see this person


...


They sometimes even show up in my dreams.


I need help. To understand. And to stop. But how? And who? I...just...want...this...to...end.

 

[Life.]

There is so much that a single human mind cannot encompass. Yet why are we pressured to be “smart”? What does it truly mean to be “smart”? That you can solve a “high-level” calculus problem? That you discovered a new method of attacking cancer? That you get a 98 on a European History test? The anger inside of me perfuses throughout my system when dissecting this single word. It is a label, a class system, an insult, a compliment, an adjective, a statement, a classification, a distinction, a characteristic, etc. But the method in which this word is applied to students causes tensions, competition, and stress. The application of this label begins at an early age especially, in grade school, when we should really be focusing on establishing our creative sides, the parts of us that see the worlds in its true colors and when we still shine brightly through happy smiles. Yet the words of “gifted and talented” then come into play. What makes one “gifted”? They can accomplish a feat in a shorter amount of time than someone else? If anything I would simply call that quick. But by using such a word it establishes a statute in the mindset of the young generation that these “gifted” people are great, above the rest, and special. A child should not feel such negative feelings of jealousy, envy, or disappointment, but this is distinction causes the beginnings of these feelings. And it does not get any better.


Yes, there are ways to fight against such thoughts but inevitable we will always meet our lowest point where we question our own mindset, experiences, skills, thoughts, and abilities compared to others. This experience especially intensifies in high school when all students are against each other to place on a number. Simply a number, because rank defines a comparison of highs and lows against each individual. Although this “rank” is covered by a number to lessen its demeanor when really it is still a comparison of “smartness”.


Why can’t the world simply think through the pace at which we grasp subjects, concepts, and lessons? There then will the word “smart” be refined in its true definition, intelligence. We are all intelligent, we just don’t know it or either don’t embrace the thought. At some point in our life our minds will open wide to the world around it fully accept the moment, ideas, concepts, and images that are appearing. But some people simply take a while to accomplish this since there are tangible obstacles in our life as well as intangible.


The largest intangible obstacle for ourselves is self-loathing. If we continue to hate ourselves and the capability in which we grasp information, it will simply destroy us, obliterate all that we know to be human, because as a human we need to think and grasp concepts in order to comprehend life. Currently this is what is harming my self-esteem in that my mind is comparing the numbers of others to mine, a mistake in that I am blinding myself from my true qualities. I constantly tell myself that it does not matter, should not matter because I am smart…yet the very definition of “smart” that has been drilled in our brains since grade school comes corrupting my optimism, furthermore throwing my conscience down a depressed abyss.


The only coping mechanism for me is to constantly think through this word “smart” but as I do that I think of how quick-witted other people are. My classmates, cousins, co-workers, my mother, etc. My heart begins to ache and my head begins to hurt. I should get away from these thoughts, go somewhere, actually embrace moments where I do not have to think but simply need to feel, but when you return to the required junction of education it is simply impossible to avoid the very thought of “smart”. The grades, lessons, and peers around constantly remind me of this horrendous word and it continues to further bury itself in my mind of self-loathing.

Spoiler

Please do understand that these are just my personal thoughts. I do not mean to take any form of offense nor discrimination against any person. If you feel any personal offense from my writings please PM me although I do not wish to take these down. These are my thoughts that I want to keep and look over them at a later time. But if you are just reading them for pleasure then Thank You for taking your time to read these.


I never really saw this as something that would catch other people's eyes but rather a place to jot down my thoughts.

 

[Life.]

I don't understand why. These emotions inside of me are different than what I have experienced. I feel confusion, jealousy, and mostly frustration. I want to understand...understand why I cannot get this person out of my head. It is not someone who I knew for a long time but rather got to know them in a short interval. Plus they have gone their own way over a year ago now. Things have changed, time has developed us differently yet why am I partly stuck in the past with these insignificant memories. One being of a cheesy joke and another a moment of chance. I-I-I just want to stop all this turmoil that's running through my head.
The thing is this emotion doesn't affect me all the time...it mostly comes when I'm alone or watching moments of intimacy and romance or when I happen to meet up with some specific friends whom they were acquainted with as well. But somehow this person is still clinging onto me...and not the physical person but rather my image of them.


I want to understand why it is still with me and why it won't leave...why I cannot get rid of this...why I want to get rid of it...maybe it is because of rejection, the idea that I have been forgotten or simply that person is ignoring me.


Few instances I have tried to reach out to this person which ends up in silence...no response...just my lips frowning and my heart slightly aching...


But then I try to revitalize myself by trying to forget this someone


...


But then I end up making a scenario where I see this person


...


They sometimes even show up in my dreams.


I need help. To understand. And to stop. But how? And who? I...just...want...this...to...end.

(A continuation post)


Rejection. The most feared feeling for majority of humans. We have all experienced though at some point in our current lives whether it be from a stern no from a parental figure or from an audition, but the type of rejection from romance is one that hurts the most. We all want to feel accepted some way or another, the last thing we want to is to appear out of place or end up with an awkward encounter with another individual.


While it may sound pathetic but somehow my subconscious emotionally and mentally created a moment of the one I love rejecting me, telling me, "No. You need to stop." (I will admit that last part may have been an exaggeration on my brain's part but altogether it was said.) As I woke up I could feel a slight tightening in my heart and a curious state of mind wondering what just happened and what was this feeling I was experiencing.


Although my heart did not want to accept it, my mind immediately knew what it was, rejection. A slight fear rose inside my body as thoughts of potential sadness began clouding my conscious, but instead a strong feeling of acceptance related the rejection to my head. I was rejected, even though it was created by my own thoughts from the continuous actions that were taken upon the person onto me has somehow connected a message to my mind, and I simply accepted it. Right after pondering through the rejection I felt my heart and mind feeling revitalized from it, not backing down from the denial. Instead my mind began conjuring up thoughts of perhaps meeting this person again and somehow making them realize that I am worthy, I am more than what they left, and that I love them more than I should. An odd sense of determination surged through my mind, but the only obstacle in my way was...that they were already living a life of their own. One half of my mind keeps trying to tell me to give up on this hopeless dream, but somehow I cannot fully convince the entirety of my mind to fully dispose the love I have for this person. It is something that is fabricated in my mind alright but I know that it can become a blossoming change to my life if only I can share it with this person...


If fate is by my hands, then hopefully in the future I shall encounter this person once more, if not then I shall forever cherish this warped memory and share my love with someone else...someone who is willing to accept my love.


[Not my best writing and thought-process but I wanted to get this down.]