Defender Of Stories
petals drip like blood.
hi it's me again being cringe and crying on the internet because i don't have anywhere else
i was going to make a throwaway mule account for this because it's embarrassing lmao but honestly who cares at this point. everything about me is embarrassing.
my whole adult life, i've just felt so, so, so utterly alone. like no one needs me, like i don't really matter to anyone. i'd only had one really significant relationship in my life, and it took up pretty much my entire life—we met when we were kids, were best friends for years and years, dated as teenagers and into young adulthood, etc. i never really experienced dating or branched out much as far as meeting people or anything because i always had her. except things ended up turning toxic, and we cut ties by the time i was in my early-mid 20s. ever since then, i'd been alone. i watched all my friends find their people and i just never found anyone. i was and am grateful for my friends, but they all had partners, best friends they were closer with than me, etc. i honestly couldn't say i was a priority in anyone's life. when i'd see people talk about their best friend they could go to for anything, i felt so alienated and alone and lost. i had people i liked and people who liked me, but i was always liking people more than they liked me. people were always more important to me than i was to them, and i got so tired of feeling like i didn't really, truly matter to anyone.
i thought that finally changed. i met someone wonderful. we were friends for a while, and then we started dating. we opened up to each other, we were vulnerable with each other. she lived about an hour away from me, so i would drive up and down every weekend to see her because she didn't have a working car. she opened up about her ex and some of the terrible things he'd done to her, and i told her she didn't deserve any of that and that i wanted to help her heal. i wanted to be there for her and make her happy. we made plans together. we were going to get a place together. we actually applied for several places together but kept getting denied because she had bad credit, but i told her that didn't matter, it was okay, we would keep trying. we planned to get a cat together. we were talking about things we wanted to do together, trips we wanted to take. plans for the far-off future. she told me i was a wonderful person and she was happy to have met me.
here's the part where i guess it's super cringe and embarrassing: i absolutely adore writing, specifically roleplaying with original characters. like, it's so so so important to me. i absolutely can't say that enough. it's to the point where if someone doesn't know my OCs, i feel like they don't know me, or at least that they're missing a huge part of me. for a lot of my adult life, i've struggled with this. like, i feel like i need a partner who understands and appreciates that part of me and can engage in it with me. it really is that important to me. but at the same time, i know that's so... specific and niche and unrealistic. like, i've struggled again and again with thinking that maybe i really do just need to let it go and grow out of it. but this person, she got it. she was maybe the only other person i've met who got it as much as i did. i didn't even need to explain it to her. writing and original characters were just as important to her as they were to me. i couldn't even begin to explain how lucky i felt. i was ready to build a life with her, and i thought she was, too. as recently as last weekend, we spent the day together and talked about plans for future trips and our future home together. i literally had no idea anything was wrong.
and then this week she asked if we could talk on the phone after work. of course i said yes. stupid me, i thought we were just going to have a fun conversation since we only got to see each other on weekends. and then she broke up with me. completely out of nowhere. i was beyond blindsided. i didn't understand, and i still don't. she said she didn't want to trap us in a relationship where we would both be miserable, and all i could do is just... where? literally where was this coming from? because i thought she was happy. she had told me she was happy. she had told me she was excited for our future together. but suddenly, over the course of less than a week, she didn't want a future with me anymore. worse than that, she only saw misery in a future with me. i don't understand what i did. i don't understand what changed.
i'm extremely introverted and shy. i have really bad depression and anxiety. it's hard for me to put myself out there and meet people, but i did, and this happened. i got everything i thought i wanted only to have it completely ripped out from under me. i thought i found a person who cared about me and thought i mattered. i thought i found a way to escape from the situation i'm living in. because, lol here comes more embarrassing stuff, i'm 27 and still live at home. rent is stupidly expensive in my state, and the job i've been at for three years is run by cheapskates who don't believe in raises so even though i'm in a supervisor position, i barely make above minimum wage and every apartment i've applied to on my own, i've been denied on income. i know that i'm extremely fortunate to have a place to live and parents who are willing to put a roof over my head, but my mom is a narcissist who has completely wrecked me and my siblings and i just. want to get away from her. so badly. and not only did i find someone i thought could be my Person, someone i could have a happy life with and heal and finally live for myself, i thought i could finally get away from my poisonous mother. but now all of that has been ripped away.
and i just don't know what to do or where to go from here. what are the chances of me ever finding someone like that again? someone who's kind and creative and warm? someone who doesn't see my lack of experience in relationships as something off-putting or something to be scoffed at? someone who doesn't see that i'm still living at home and laugh at me for it? someone who doesn't think i'm a weird loser for being super attached to roleplaying and characters and actually understands it?
my birthday is in a month, and we had plans to spend it together. last year on my birthday, literally every single one of my friends forgot. i told her about that and how much it hurt and how much it would mean to feel like i actually mattered on my birthday. i thought this year was going to be different. i guess not.
i've felt so alone for so long, and if nothing else, i thought, "at least things can only get better from here." but i was wrong. because i thought i finally found what i wanted, and then i lost it before i even knew what was happening. and it's worse. it's so, so much worse. i wish i'd never met her. i wish i'd never experienced that happiness of thinking i mattered to someone, because having it ripped away is so so so much worse than not having had it at all.
i was going to make a throwaway mule account for this because it's embarrassing lmao but honestly who cares at this point. everything about me is embarrassing.
my whole adult life, i've just felt so, so, so utterly alone. like no one needs me, like i don't really matter to anyone. i'd only had one really significant relationship in my life, and it took up pretty much my entire life—we met when we were kids, were best friends for years and years, dated as teenagers and into young adulthood, etc. i never really experienced dating or branched out much as far as meeting people or anything because i always had her. except things ended up turning toxic, and we cut ties by the time i was in my early-mid 20s. ever since then, i'd been alone. i watched all my friends find their people and i just never found anyone. i was and am grateful for my friends, but they all had partners, best friends they were closer with than me, etc. i honestly couldn't say i was a priority in anyone's life. when i'd see people talk about their best friend they could go to for anything, i felt so alienated and alone and lost. i had people i liked and people who liked me, but i was always liking people more than they liked me. people were always more important to me than i was to them, and i got so tired of feeling like i didn't really, truly matter to anyone.
i thought that finally changed. i met someone wonderful. we were friends for a while, and then we started dating. we opened up to each other, we were vulnerable with each other. she lived about an hour away from me, so i would drive up and down every weekend to see her because she didn't have a working car. she opened up about her ex and some of the terrible things he'd done to her, and i told her she didn't deserve any of that and that i wanted to help her heal. i wanted to be there for her and make her happy. we made plans together. we were going to get a place together. we actually applied for several places together but kept getting denied because she had bad credit, but i told her that didn't matter, it was okay, we would keep trying. we planned to get a cat together. we were talking about things we wanted to do together, trips we wanted to take. plans for the far-off future. she told me i was a wonderful person and she was happy to have met me.
here's the part where i guess it's super cringe and embarrassing: i absolutely adore writing, specifically roleplaying with original characters. like, it's so so so important to me. i absolutely can't say that enough. it's to the point where if someone doesn't know my OCs, i feel like they don't know me, or at least that they're missing a huge part of me. for a lot of my adult life, i've struggled with this. like, i feel like i need a partner who understands and appreciates that part of me and can engage in it with me. it really is that important to me. but at the same time, i know that's so... specific and niche and unrealistic. like, i've struggled again and again with thinking that maybe i really do just need to let it go and grow out of it. but this person, she got it. she was maybe the only other person i've met who got it as much as i did. i didn't even need to explain it to her. writing and original characters were just as important to her as they were to me. i couldn't even begin to explain how lucky i felt. i was ready to build a life with her, and i thought she was, too. as recently as last weekend, we spent the day together and talked about plans for future trips and our future home together. i literally had no idea anything was wrong.
and then this week she asked if we could talk on the phone after work. of course i said yes. stupid me, i thought we were just going to have a fun conversation since we only got to see each other on weekends. and then she broke up with me. completely out of nowhere. i was beyond blindsided. i didn't understand, and i still don't. she said she didn't want to trap us in a relationship where we would both be miserable, and all i could do is just... where? literally where was this coming from? because i thought she was happy. she had told me she was happy. she had told me she was excited for our future together. but suddenly, over the course of less than a week, she didn't want a future with me anymore. worse than that, she only saw misery in a future with me. i don't understand what i did. i don't understand what changed.
i'm extremely introverted and shy. i have really bad depression and anxiety. it's hard for me to put myself out there and meet people, but i did, and this happened. i got everything i thought i wanted only to have it completely ripped out from under me. i thought i found a person who cared about me and thought i mattered. i thought i found a way to escape from the situation i'm living in. because, lol here comes more embarrassing stuff, i'm 27 and still live at home. rent is stupidly expensive in my state, and the job i've been at for three years is run by cheapskates who don't believe in raises so even though i'm in a supervisor position, i barely make above minimum wage and every apartment i've applied to on my own, i've been denied on income. i know that i'm extremely fortunate to have a place to live and parents who are willing to put a roof over my head, but my mom is a narcissist who has completely wrecked me and my siblings and i just. want to get away from her. so badly. and not only did i find someone i thought could be my Person, someone i could have a happy life with and heal and finally live for myself, i thought i could finally get away from my poisonous mother. but now all of that has been ripped away.
and i just don't know what to do or where to go from here. what are the chances of me ever finding someone like that again? someone who's kind and creative and warm? someone who doesn't see my lack of experience in relationships as something off-putting or something to be scoffed at? someone who doesn't see that i'm still living at home and laugh at me for it? someone who doesn't think i'm a weird loser for being super attached to roleplaying and characters and actually understands it?
my birthday is in a month, and we had plans to spend it together. last year on my birthday, literally every single one of my friends forgot. i told her about that and how much it hurt and how much it would mean to feel like i actually mattered on my birthday. i thought this year was going to be different. i guess not.
i've felt so alone for so long, and if nothing else, i thought, "at least things can only get better from here." but i was wrong. because i thought i finally found what i wanted, and then i lost it before i even knew what was happening. and it's worse. it's so, so much worse. i wish i'd never met her. i wish i'd never experienced that happiness of thinking i mattered to someone, because having it ripped away is so so so much worse than not having had it at all.
