hadal
Member
This is a humor conspiracy theory that I originally wrote for the humor section of my college newspaper. References such as lost Hydro Flasks and lost JUULs are specific to my university. Since this was for a U.S. college publication, the conspiracy involved U.S. specific problems, such as crippling student debt and cutting federal programs (thanks Reagan!).
Please critique it! But don't try and argue with me about Reagan and the politics of it. We are all entitled to our own opinions, this is just supposed to be satirical and funny.
College students complain endlessly about poor test grades, lost JUULs and the crippling student debt that will surely crush them once they graduate. But few ask why is this is all happening and who is responsible. To find answers, we must take a hard look at those who control our institutions – the world’s wealthiest and most influential. We must investigate the elites.
These master puppeteers have divided the duties of world control amongst themselves. Some intervene in our political systems, while others manipulate banking, media and academia. For the purpose of brevity, although my research has been extensive, I will focus exclusively on academia and the elites who function as a sort of ... Academic Illuminati, for lack of a less incendiary term.
This academic aristocracy jacks up tuition to outrageous heights (far more costly than anywhere else in the world) and makes college students struggle and suffocate in student debt. But few understand how they have entered every crevice of our lives, cursing us with infinite amounts of homework, disappointing social lives and poor eating habits. Name any problem known to afflict college students and it can be blamed on these elites.
Did you lose your Hydro Flask? Or maybe your sense of self-confidence? These evil puppet masters are responsible.
Did your professor give you a bad grade on an essay? Well, that professor has clearly been brainwashed by the elites.
While I was unable to find many informants willing to speak with me, I met with one man who used to be one of their underlings: Ron Jones. Regretful of the ten years he spent serving them, he has since dedicated his life to exposing their wicked ways. But his work has made him paranoid. He built a secluded cabin in the woods (I got lost multiple times before finally reaching his humble home) and he will not leave his house without a tinfoil hat. At first, Jones greeted me with suspicion and a shotgun, but then hospitality.
It would be unfair to characterize Jones as crazy. His paranoia towards outsiders is not without reason. He explained that since he became a whistleblower, the academic elites have attempted to hunt him down.
“They wiretapped the phone at my old house. After I exposed them for raising tuition costs and even brainwashing people, I knew they’d be watching my every move," Jones said. "So I tore apart my house! The outlets, the light bulbs, the phones — I checked ‘em all for bugs. You see, I’m always thinkin’ ahead, so those wicked monsters can never gain the upper hand," he added with a sly smile. "They might know who I am, but they’re never gonna find out where I live and how I operate.”
Jones said the elites meet in person every other month, and the rest of their conferences take place using holographic technology. When they meet, it is at a long, rectangular, dark wooden table, nestled in a hidden room at the top floor of the Trump Towers in New York City. They range from middle aged to elderly, and are wealthy and white. Apparently Ronald Reagan, whose consciousness has been uploaded into a robot, not only attends these meetings but actively runs them. Jones said, even after his supposed death, he is still just as committed to cutting federal programs, like work study.
When I inquired about brainwashing tactics, Jones immediately tensed up and stared at me with such an intensity that his face turned red. I momentarily feared he would pull out his shotgun again, but he then took a deep breath and readjusted his tinfoil hat.
“Sorry… sorry,” he mumbled, shaking his head, “This just gets me so riled up!” his voice became loud and angry and his hands curled into fists. “I don’t know how they do the brainwashing, but I’ve heard them talk about it. They influence students’ everyday actions, leading ‘em to make bad decisions like not studying for a test. And they do that just for the giggles. But they also brainwash students into accepting a future where they’re chained to student debt. This isn’t how it has to be though. Look at universities in other countries — they don’t have this same problem, and they don’t have no Reagan Robot either!”
Jones immediately became extremely impassioned, rising out of his chair with such force and excitement that it toppled over. With a revolutionary fist in the air, he proclaimed: “Students, faculty, now is your time to rise up! The Reagan Robot cannot control you forever. Unite and revolt! You have nothing to lose but your chains!”
Please critique it! But don't try and argue with me about Reagan and the politics of it. We are all entitled to our own opinions, this is just supposed to be satirical and funny.
College students complain endlessly about poor test grades, lost JUULs and the crippling student debt that will surely crush them once they graduate. But few ask why is this is all happening and who is responsible. To find answers, we must take a hard look at those who control our institutions – the world’s wealthiest and most influential. We must investigate the elites.
These master puppeteers have divided the duties of world control amongst themselves. Some intervene in our political systems, while others manipulate banking, media and academia. For the purpose of brevity, although my research has been extensive, I will focus exclusively on academia and the elites who function as a sort of ... Academic Illuminati, for lack of a less incendiary term.
This academic aristocracy jacks up tuition to outrageous heights (far more costly than anywhere else in the world) and makes college students struggle and suffocate in student debt. But few understand how they have entered every crevice of our lives, cursing us with infinite amounts of homework, disappointing social lives and poor eating habits. Name any problem known to afflict college students and it can be blamed on these elites.
Did you lose your Hydro Flask? Or maybe your sense of self-confidence? These evil puppet masters are responsible.
Did your professor give you a bad grade on an essay? Well, that professor has clearly been brainwashed by the elites.
While I was unable to find many informants willing to speak with me, I met with one man who used to be one of their underlings: Ron Jones. Regretful of the ten years he spent serving them, he has since dedicated his life to exposing their wicked ways. But his work has made him paranoid. He built a secluded cabin in the woods (I got lost multiple times before finally reaching his humble home) and he will not leave his house without a tinfoil hat. At first, Jones greeted me with suspicion and a shotgun, but then hospitality.
It would be unfair to characterize Jones as crazy. His paranoia towards outsiders is not without reason. He explained that since he became a whistleblower, the academic elites have attempted to hunt him down.
“They wiretapped the phone at my old house. After I exposed them for raising tuition costs and even brainwashing people, I knew they’d be watching my every move," Jones said. "So I tore apart my house! The outlets, the light bulbs, the phones — I checked ‘em all for bugs. You see, I’m always thinkin’ ahead, so those wicked monsters can never gain the upper hand," he added with a sly smile. "They might know who I am, but they’re never gonna find out where I live and how I operate.”
Jones said the elites meet in person every other month, and the rest of their conferences take place using holographic technology. When they meet, it is at a long, rectangular, dark wooden table, nestled in a hidden room at the top floor of the Trump Towers in New York City. They range from middle aged to elderly, and are wealthy and white. Apparently Ronald Reagan, whose consciousness has been uploaded into a robot, not only attends these meetings but actively runs them. Jones said, even after his supposed death, he is still just as committed to cutting federal programs, like work study.
When I inquired about brainwashing tactics, Jones immediately tensed up and stared at me with such an intensity that his face turned red. I momentarily feared he would pull out his shotgun again, but he then took a deep breath and readjusted his tinfoil hat.
“Sorry… sorry,” he mumbled, shaking his head, “This just gets me so riled up!” his voice became loud and angry and his hands curled into fists. “I don’t know how they do the brainwashing, but I’ve heard them talk about it. They influence students’ everyday actions, leading ‘em to make bad decisions like not studying for a test. And they do that just for the giggles. But they also brainwash students into accepting a future where they’re chained to student debt. This isn’t how it has to be though. Look at universities in other countries — they don’t have this same problem, and they don’t have no Reagan Robot either!”
Jones immediately became extremely impassioned, rising out of his chair with such force and excitement that it toppled over. With a revolutionary fist in the air, he proclaimed: “Students, faculty, now is your time to rise up! The Reagan Robot cannot control you forever. Unite and revolt! You have nothing to lose but your chains!”
