Advice/Help How to deal with character misgendering?

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

Someone I'm roleplaying with has been misgendering my character. At first, I thought it was their character perceiving my character (nonbinary) as a male. This, however, was proven wrong when said person called them a boy ooc. Is this actually a big deal, and how should I address it?

 

[Coca-Cola]

I wish I could help maybe try to exsplain to them

 

[chokecherry]

I think it's perfectly reasonable to politely bring up the fact that they're misgendering your character. It's worth it to perhaps explain a little bit about how your character identifies and their pronouns specifically, because it might be a case of not understanding the nuance of your character's gender identity and presentation.
Something along the lines of,
"Hey, I've noticed you've referred to "insert character name here" a few times as the incorrect gender. They're actually nonbinary and this is how they identify, these are some words you can use in place of boy/girl ect, and their pronouns. If you could use these going forward, I'd really appreciate it."

 

[Daisie]

I agree with the above, communication is key.

If it makes you feel any better, this doesn't necessarily mean it's personal. Pronouns are something that slip out into the way we speak with very little regard - if someone perceives a person as masculine or feminine, that gendered pronoun will almost always come out at some point, even with people who are genuinely trying.

 

[Jannah]

I agree with the above, communication is key.

If it makes you feel any better, this doesn't necessarily mean it's personal. Pronouns are something that slip out into the way we speak with very little regard - if someone perceives a person as masculine or feminine, that gendered pronoun will almost always come out at some point, even with people who are genuinely trying.

This. Definitely this. I'm in a RP on another site right now where I'm writing my male character against someone else's non-binary character. Because I'm simply so used to either using feminine or masculine pronouns I've been mistakenly referring to this character as a "she". I've actually had to go back and correct myself a few times before hitting send on the post as the character in question uses they/them. It's an honest mistake on my part and I think for most people it is.

 

[ManicMuse]

I can speak about what not to do. This is just a story to give context. I adore all my true allies and rainbow crew members.

Recently, I participated in a DnD role-playing session with someone who portrayed a character as very busty, lots of focus on the bust, clad only in a metal bikini encrusted with gems character. The entire four-hour session devolved into jokes about items or other characters getting stuck in their chest area and them performing rear cavity checks on fallen enemies. It was very distasteful in general. Furthermore, they made a point of loudly correcting us whenever we accidentally misgendered the character, emphasizing that they identified as nonbinary and any slip-up was a significant offense. It was exacerbated by their tendency to lash out at anyone who made a mistake but backed by their own failure to follow any basic RP etiquette, such as muting themselves when screaming across the house to someone or not speaking over everyone all the time, god modding, and so on.

While I want to stress that this isolated incident does not reflect my overall perception of nonbinary individuals, it did highlight my limited experience in dealing with such matters. Despite being a longstanding member of the LGBTQIA+ community, encounters with nonbinary individuals have been infrequent for me. It is also important to note, all of that and they are still in our group. We put a firm PG-13 rule in place and we have all moved on.

Given that nonbinary individuals and various pronouns are still relatively uncommon in some spaces, I believe it would be beneficial to gently address this in an out-of-character (OOC) conversation. One approach could be to subtly remind everyone about the importance of using correct pronouns and consider bolding your own pronouns for a period to encourage awareness. It's crucial to acknowledge that some individuals may misuse their titles for attention-seeking purposes, and while this behavior is unrelated to the majority, it may require a gentle educational approach to foster understanding among those who may not be familiar with these concepts. Ultimately, my aim is to contribute to a more inclusive and respectful gaming environment for everyone involved.

 

[GojiBean]

Hoyo!

I agree with much of what's been stated already. Context and communication are key. And since I don't know the context in full I can't say whether or not this was intentional or not on your RP partner's end. But I doubt it.

Either way, the best thing to do is make an effort to openly and consistently communicate with your partner and be clear about who your character is and what you'd like your partner to know and respect about them. If your character has some trait which may be touchy or controversial, then let your partner know about it. One of the worst things anyone can do for their RP partner is leave them in the dark about things which are important to you about your character, and about your roleplay style and preferences.

Not being open and communicative runs the risk of letting potential incompatibilities be discovered down the road when you're already in the middle of the roleplay. And few things are more frustrating or disheartening than making such a discovery, getting into a debate/argument about the differences between yourselves, and then the RP comes to an abrupt and unsatisfying end because either you or your partner decided enough was enough and ghosted.

Cheers!

- GojiBean

 

[MxKit]

I am mostly agreeing with everyone else that it's good to bring it up OOC and explain things, especially the way chokecherry suggests! Speaking as a nonbinary person, yeah, our identities are still less than understood by a lot of people and a lot of people may have never met or even heard of us... Mistakes and misunderstandings do happen.

That said, I will make a note as a nonbinary person who plays trans and nonbinary characters a lot: Most of the time when I've had RP partners straight-up ignoring the pronouns I'm using for my posts in their own replies, much less referring to my character as the wrong gender OOCly, they have just not corrected themselves at all when I've corrected them, or they've done so for a reply or two and then gone right back to it.

It might have just been bad luck on my part, and it definitely doesn't always happen! I do not want to say it's likely, much less inevitable; I don't want to be too pessimistic or doomsay. But I've noticed that in written roleplay specifically, pronouns tend to be kind of like names, eye color, hair color, etc.: When someone is consistently -- not occasionally, even I slip up occasionally, sometimes even for my own characters, but consistently -- getting the details that are in the actual post they are replying to completely wrong, that often means they are not putting effort in and will not put effort in in the future either.

Like, there's a difference between someone occasionally (or even often, at first!) going "James-- oh oops I meant John there" and someone replying to a post that says John about eight times talking about James and then commenting to you OOCly that they love your character James he's so funny.

That said, again, yes. Nonbinary identities are still a lot less known! It may even be your RP partner has never heard of nonbinary identities or seen singular they/them pronouns at all. Unlike with the John-and-James thing, that's a definite possibility, so it's still worth bringing up for sure! But I guess what I'm saying is that even if it's not a transphobia issue it might be an issue that makes RPing with this person hard or frustrating.

 

[StrixDesmodus]

As someone who is nonbinary, and who tries to keep a diverse cast of characters in my rp repertoire, I try my best to avoid misgendering people's characters and having my own characters misgendered, but it still happens now and then. Sometimes I'm the one to do it, but here's some stuff that helps keep it to a minimum.

• Establishing your character's pronouns and gender from the beginning. I always include a slot for pronouns in the character sheets of rps I host for this reason. Most people include a slot for gender too, which is also a good idea.
• Demonstrating the character's pronouns in the rp- I actually started writing in the third person instead of the first person for this reason. When the character's pronouns are practiced and demonstrated, it's easier to get them right.
• Politely correcting people when they get things wrong.
• Curating your experience- If the other roleplayer doesn't respond to correction or is rude when told that they've misgendered you or your character, then it's ok to stop rping with them. I feel like a lot of people, myself included, can be anxious about cutting off an rp partner, and it needs to be said that if someone's being persistently rude, then you're under no obligation to keep up the connection.

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

Thank you everyone for your support!

I want to end the roleplay with this person. The roleplay is nice, but the person is just.. idk.

I told them about my character being nonbinary, not male, and they said yeah okay.

They used they/them pronouns for my character before going back to he/him.

At this point, I don't know if this person is trying to do this and I don't know if I am overreacting.

 

[Steve Jobs]

I'm a three strikes type of person so I would give them another reminder of what pronouns to use, suggested phrases, and perhaps explain why it's important to correctly gender your character. Everyone slips up and that's okay, but if a person isn't willing to apologize or double check their writing then it makes me question how much effort/respect they are putting in. If they repeat the same pattern, dismiss your concerns or act defensive, then you can offer them an ultimatum or just cut things off entirely.

 

[Perpetual Zen]

I think it's safe to just tap out of this one. Huge differences and it doesn't look like their flexible to learning. Most people are pretty understanding.

 

[Sylvio]

Kill the bastard

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

Kill the bastard

will do /j

 

[Perpetual Zen]

will do /j

I totally get this is a joke but I just wanted to say. Let's keep the the argument realistic. Violence does exist when it comes to misgendering.
Please, be mindful, violence is never the answer even if it's a joke