Chitchat How do you deal with anxiety?

[Nooduls]

It's almost 5 AM as I write this. I got off of work 4 hours ago and the only thing I could think about was how lonely I am. I have horrible anxiety, which causes me to overthink certain situations. I also misinterpret people's intentions. They could honestly like me and I could mess it up by shutting myself off because I think they're trying to secretly humiliate me. In the moment I feel entirely justified because I'm saving myself from hurt. When I get home though, and I open social media to see everyone else hanging out, I just get angry with myself. How does one become so cynical and scared? People are people.


I know I am not the only person dealing with it but my problem is I don't know how. For those of you who have it, how do you convince yourself that people aren't out to get you? How do you teach yourself to trust that you're wanted when you're invited somewhere? How do you carry a conversation without twisting the words around in your head, tailoring your responses to what you think will make them like you? I feel kind of weird posting this, as I honestly haven't opened up about this for a while, but it helps a little bit just writing it out. And maybe I don't even have to post it but it may help someone else? At least that's what we tell ourselves when we're vulnerable.

 

[Dusky]

Creative pursuits help to bring me some clarity. I don't have anxiety quite as badly, but I definitely sympathize with a lot of what you're talking about!


The best thing you can do for yourself is talk to people about what you're going through. Friends and family and online strangers such as us are a good start, but they aren't trained to navigate the many traps and pitfalls of mental illness and over-relying on them can put undue pressure on them. It doesn't mean you shouldn't ever vent to them; it means that you can't use them as crutches and a therapist or other professional will probably do you good.


7cupsoftea.com is a great resource when you feel like there's nobody who will listen.

 

[Archie]

I used to have so many anxieties. I was afraid of snails once, like deathly afraid, I'm sure I mentioned that before on this forum. I couldn't watch horror movies and I put up pillows around me in bed so the aliens wouldn't see me through my window. Talking to people when I was in middle school was like a no no too. I grew up in a rough neighborhood and didn't really get tall or big until high school so if I attracted any attention that was a bad thing.


I came up with some different ways of thinking about it to break out. I can't say I'm a psychologist or anything but these worked for me and have for a lot of my friends too. For some background, I'm now a salesman and have started a couple businesses, going to China in 2 days to start another. When I was 14 this would have been literally unthinkable, talking to people for a living? I'd die!


Which gets to the first one.


1. It's never as bad as you think it is


Remind yourself of this all the time. We have parts of our brain just dedicated to worrying. Has anything you've been afraid of really turned out how you thought it might? Maybe once or twice, but 98% of the time it's worked out fine, hasn't it? Our brains exaggerate harms and only focus on them if we let them. Know that 98% of your fears will never happen.


2. It could turn out really well


When you get more comfortable, try approaching strangers. Those parts of the brain that deal with fear also deal with predicting things, and there's a reason. It's more useful for our "survival" to think about what could go wrong than what could go right. This means we overlook things that could be good and only focus on what could be bad. You said you misinterpreted people's intentions all the time and thought that they were out to humiliate you. This might be because someone did in the past, or because you haven't had someone do something nice. Bad things happen sometimes, but good things happen most of the time you take a risk.


Have you ever climbed a tree, gone on an adventure as a kid, or had a snowball fight? Do you drive? All these things are risks but they generally turn out really well.


3. Let go of control and get comfortable with uncertainty


We always think that we should be in control or at least try to be. If someone was really out to humiliate you, however, do you think you'd be able to stop them based on what you did in the conversation?


Let go of control and let things be. I'm no psychologist so I don't know an official term name for this, but most people have what I call "fate anxiety" and think if they just let things be, it will be terrible.


But is it? Most times we jump into something it turns out well, fate is on our side usually, not against us. This helps especially for sleeping: I used to be up till 4 worrying when I started working, but I just decided "if something bad happens, at this point it's out of my control. I've done what I can, and it probably will turn out well"


4. Snap into a new thought


This one's useful for avoiding fear and pain both. It might be hard to get out of bed. But if you hear someone knocking on your door, you spring out of bed right away. It might be hard to get your mind off fear, but if you hear dinner's ready, you might think about that instead. You can do this artificially. When you're feeling anxious, decide to suddenly think of something else. You can't consciously suppress a thought, but you can quickly "jolt" your mind into thinking about a new topic. If you start thinking about what someone you talk to might want to do to you, look at their necklace, start thinking quick about all the necklaces you saw like it, maybe start a conversation about it.


5. Risk is good, and everywhere


We never know where we're going. Maybe in 10 years you'll be an actor or someone who has to deal with people all the time, who knows. We have almost no control over anything. Commit yourself to getting comfortable with uncertainty because that's something that boosts your esteem every day and really opens doors.


6. Do things without thinking and let chips fall where they may


Start a day off by just doing things that come to mind. No, you won't be that productive, but just try it. At the end of the day, ask yourself if you made any big mistakes, and as long as you stay in the house most of the day, you probably didn't. A lot of people overthink things.


7. Decide to stop thinking after 10 seconds about most things


It's called "analysis paralysis" when we look at too many options and get overwhelmed by them. We feel like we have to make the "right" choice but because of all the options get scared. If you think too long about something, you come up with things you could have done differently or things you're afraid of, and it makes it seem a lot more intimidating. Why are really confident people stereotyped as dumb? Because the less you think, the less you get overwhelmed by all that could go wrong or all the things you could have done differently. Now I'm not saying become less intelligent (there are lots of things like math problems that you should think about a lot), but just decide not to think about everyday things for more than 10 seconds.


8. Know that you'll rebound


So if someone doesn't end up liking you... make new friends? There are billions of people out there and with the internet you can reach like half of them. On this site you probably RP with people who share interests. In your town there are probably people who you can connect with. We're way more adaptable than we think we are. Did you know paralyzed people are just as happy on average as people who are perfectly well? People adapt all the time, and know that you will too.


8a. Things just get better naturally


I've gotten 30% insane in thinking there's some divine force that makes things better, but if you have faith things will get better, they almost always do. Even if you don't, they do. This is because "good" and "bad" are irrational relative concepts the brain comes up with to begin with, but the brain wants to be happy, so it'll make do. Risks can be bad, or they can be good, but really in the end you'll think it's always alright. Why? Because even if you have the worst luck in the world, your brain doesn't want to put up with the thought that "everything is terrible" and will just get used to your new circumstances and come up with reasons it's okay. This is why people say "it's never a problem until you make it one" - if you focus on it, you torment yourself. If you ignore it and snap your thoughts to a new topic, it just floats into the distance and in the end everything turns out alright.


This is especially true for you. You're in high school... people are awful in high school, superficial, terrible, but even if nothing works out with you and other people, you'll find better people after.


9. Do something that scares you every day


I'm gonna sound insane. When I started out in high school and wanted to break out of where I lived but knew I'd have to take huge risks, I would go up on top of garages (used to be afraid of heights and lived in a big city) and hang my phone over the top. My family definitely wouldn't be able to afford a new one and I'd get shouted at for hours if I told them what I did and how dumb it was. I wouldn't let myself take it back until I didn't feel afraid anymore, like at all, not even one feeling. Then I'd do it again, and again, and again. Then I'd do it with 2 fingers, then I'd do it with my pinky and my ring finger.


Here's the real crazy part. About an hour later, I started hanging off the edge of the garage myself. If my hand slipped or couldn't climb back up, I'd die. Like, die. If someone saw me, they'd take me to an asylum and my mom would never believe me if I told her why I was really doing it. She'd probably think I was suicidal and pull me out of school.


Now, I'm not saying do something that extreme, but face your fears 1 step at a time and start to love it. Once you start taking risks, you'll start feeling rewarded when they turn out okay. It'll be like "breaking through". Now I love doing anything risky (even stupid things). To tell the truth by the time I hung off the garage, I wasn't thinking about all the things that could go wrong anymore but all the things that could go right. What if I fell? I'd catch onto something, parkour, and that would be totally cool! Oh, and if I survived, I'd get to tell this story, and nobody would believe me, and so I'd do it in front of them and that would make me a total badass! (I was 14 if that explains)


But once you start regularly breaking through anxiety and fear, you start thinking about all the good things that can happen even over stupid things like hanging off the sides of buildings. This sounds awful, but yesterday when I woke up and heard a drilling noise in my wall, I wasn't like "ghosts!" or "what if someone's breaking into my house!" like I'd used to when I was a kid. I was like "what if someone left a drill there and I got to take it, and cause it's on my property it's mine, so I wouldn't have to buy a new drill". It's dumb thinking, but 99% of our thoughts are half-subconscious and dumb if we type them up and give them to a logic Nazi. Think: are irrational fears any smarter? So would you rather have far fetched thoughts about what could go right or far fetched thoughts about what could go wrong?


**** DO NOT DO THE GARAGE THING. SERIOUSLY. It worked for me but I'm not at all suggesting it's something that's required or that everyone should do.


10. Take a long, deep breath. No, seriously


When your lungs expand, some chemical or something emits that calms you down. This is definitely the simplest easiest one to do. Breathe for 10 seconds, hold for 10 seconds, release. I'm not smart enough to know the process behind this, but it works (they teach it to marines)


Bottom line for all of these is we have to deal with uncertainty. Maybe people who we talk to are out to humiliate us, but we can't do anything about that. It's not worth it thinking about how to make things perfect when we can't see everything with our minds.


The single biggest thing for all 10 is have faith it will get better 1) because you will make it right AND 2) because it will be set right by itself. This takes some faith, in god, in destiny, in whatever, and it's never rational, but neither is the belief that everything will go wrong. To counteract an irrational, subconscious belief that everything will go wrong, you need to have an irrational, subconscious belief that everything will go right in the end. I'm not very religious, so this wasn't easy for me, but there's a lot of proof for it around you. Things are always better than you think.


Finally...


Who cares?


Aka downplay your fears. Sometimes we want something so bad we're afraid of going after it because we'll do something wrong. It seems like you want to be included in all the groups in your school, but that you want it so bad is actually making you more afraid. There's a point where you can be totally ambitious and unafraid (if you do all the other 10 things for a couple weeks, I guarantee you you will be). For most people, having big goals they care so much about actually makes them afraid to pursue them.


So ask yourself, do you really want the approval of those people so much or is it just something kind of nice to have but that you don't need? Downplay it by downplaying them. Does their opinion really matter? Are you going to know most of them the rest of your life? Where will they be in 10 years? Most of these people spend half their time hanging out instead of doing anything useful, and can't live without other people's approval. That means that if they get cut off they'll be 9 times more devastated than you. Is it really that important to be like them?


Downplay how important it is and you won't have as much to lose. This means you'll want to go after what you want more.


Things you could do, like now, to practice "breaking through"


1. Make bad jokes all over the site, just so you get the feeling that it'll turn out alright/people will ignore them instead of calling you out.


2. Make some RP posts without proofreading them and with a strict time limit.


3. Send some messages. Don't proofread.


4. Write a wall of text and just throw out there whatever you're thinking.


----


Alright now a big part of social anxiety is also fear that you might not know how to get along with people. That's a much bigger topic, but a quick book I'd recommend that pretty much goes through all of it is "Improve your social skills" by Daniel Wendler. It's really cheap, covers everything, and is written by a guy with aspbergers who got through it and now lives a healthy social life, so it's not more of the "be nice, be a good person" nonsense you get from a lot of blogs. This guy literally started at zero and is now at 150%, and the whole thing reads as a system.


---


Anyway, I hope at least a couple of these helped. Definitely not required to do all of them, but every one of them is a different way to overcome anxiety that I've found. It used to be a huge issue for me and doing these things made me into someone who loves risk in all forms.

 

[call me rae]

As someone who suffered from severe anxiety as a child and still has minor insecurities to this day I feel your pain. A lot of what @Archie said was very helpful so I will do my best not to restate their advice.

Opinions Ahead As @Archie stated these are just my opinions based on my own personal experiences. This advice might not work as well for you as it did for me. Further I am not a mental health professional so nothing below should constitute medical advice. I'm just a librarian on the internet that likes to talk about herself given the chance.

The first thing I will state is something that is kind of controversial but that I found to be immensely helpful.


1. Consider Professional Help

I took medication for both social anxiety and ADD as a child and I found it for the most part to be very helpful to helping evening out the worst of my symptoms so that I could attempt some of the other bits of advice I'll go into below.


Therapy was also helpful as it gave me an outlet to talk about whatever was bothering me without having to worry about how I was coming across or potentially hurting someone's feeling. This of course in those bygone dinosaur days before the internet was a huge thing and you couldn't talk to people on the internet anonymously.


But even still I recommend at least putting it in the back of your mind. It might not be something for you but it never hurts to try.


2. Just Breathe , It's All Going to Be Okay

So @Archie went over this a bit in their post so I'll try to keep my advice brief. As I said I had severe social anxiety as a child - to the point where I would get panic attacks or crying gags and one of the things recommended to me was breathing exercises.


As a lot of my symptoms where physical it was suggested that by focusing on my breathing i would be able to halt panic attacks quicker or at least keep them from escalating. ( spoiler : it didn't always work when things got too severe but it does generally proof helpful )


So what I do is when I feel my mind starting to spiral around - those thoughts racing in your head about all the bad ways this or that situation could go down. Or even when you feel your stomach starting to act up and your palms starting to sweat. Whatever your experience with the beginning stage of anxiety is.


Just take a deep breathe. In through your nose. Out through your mouth. In through your nose. Out through your mouth.


Keep repeating this as much as you can.


While you breathe just tell yourself - "I'm okay. Nothing is hurting me. I can do this. It's all fine." or you know variations of that suitable to the situation.


And yeah just keep going until you feel yourself start calming down. Whether that's your breathe starts slowing or your mind stops racing.


2b. Take A Break

If your already in such a tizzy that the breathing isn't working on it's own. Just take a break. If at all possible physically walk away. Go out side, take a walk. Maybe watch some TV, or read a book. Whatever kind of activity soothes you and makes you feel happy.


Heck if you can't get up or leave try looking at cute animal photos or maybe a funny video online. Anything that is going to help you calm down and get your equilibrium back.


3. Know Your Limits

Now this is important. I grew up with parents that where very well-meaning and would often shove me into situations I wasn't comfortable in on the idea that exposure would help me get over my fear. Well maybe in the long run it did or maybe it was just a contributing factor.


All I know is that in the short term it left me miserable. I would be in tears, sobbing and begging to come home. Miserable as anything.


And so an important thing I think to figure out is where are your limits. I don't mean things that make you feel a little anxious or unsure. I mean at what point do you get so upset that you can't function. That your crying or legitimately sick.


If you have such a limit recognize it and don't be afraid to communicate it to other people. If something is truly outrageously out of your comfort zone don't feel you must force yourself to do it just to "fit in" or "be a good friend."


Because if the people your with are your real friends they won't want you miserable. And if they aren't well it's no great loss anyway.


4. Take it One Day At A Time

Anxiety is not something that you overcome in day or a week or even a year. I am nearing the big 3 - 0 and there are still things that make me anxious. To use a somewhat embarrassing example - making calls.


Sounds simple right ? - calling someone on the phone. Especially for my job. It's hardly the most arderous task you could be asked to do.


But it makes me anxious to have to leave messages for people. So what I do is I actually write out little notecards with a pre-canned messaged before I make a call and just read it for the message. If someone answers I do my best to stick to the script so I can get through the call without stumbling or getting too nervous.


So I guess what I'm saying is don't be discouraged if you have some struggles. Even if it doesn't seem to be doing much good right now everytime you push yourself that little bit out of your comfort zone is just one more step to learning to live with your anxiety.

 

[Nooduls]

Thank you guys so much. I was actually a little afraid to come back to the site in fear of the responses. Yes, it's that bad lol. I'm happy to have come back to such understanding and good advice! I'm going to take in everyone's words and try my best to remember that people are just people! When I look back, I was honestly just having a really bad night, but I know that I'll need this in order to snap out of this behavior.


Like, I arrived at a popular club to meet my friend and saw everyone standing in line. It was going around the entire club. I had an anxiety attack and told my uber driver to take me back home. Anything I do to help myself will be better than that.

 

[Fifty40]

Everything everyone said.


Also, drink water when you're about to go off the deep end. Trust me, it works. The act of drinking water placates you, fools your brain into thinking everything's alright.

 

[determinator]

Talk to people, focus on your breathing (not just deep breathing, but focusing on it and how it moves), drink some Tension Tamer (or other type of tea), find a distraction in more pressing things or those that I enjoy, and grounding techniques.


I also second the bit about drinking water and really recommend grounding techniques if you have problems with attacks or dissociation or anything. When your mind spirals out of control, if you just focus on the moment, how your body feels, what is around you, etc., it pulls you back down to earth and helps take off the edge.


There's also getting at the source of the anxiety, but that's more involved than these short-term resolutions we have.