Fandom Homestuck: Pyrrhic Ascension

[GamerKitty205]

​

Four teens stand in their rooms. Today, March 19, 2024, is a day of no note. A chilly and quiet Tuesday with just the slightest hint of spring on the horizon. A perfectly pleasant, placid day of no consequence to anyone... but the young men and women keeping an eye on a three year old game and its new update.

Little do they know this game will decide the fate of their universe and the next. Meteors are falling, and that’s the least of the dangers they’re set to face. But first...

> Introduce Yourself​

 

[Noivian]

> Introduce Yourself​

Your name is LINK PATRICK. Currently, you are in your room, otherwise known as your SANCTUARY, and are currently sitting at your DESK. As much as you hate the clutter and filth of the DUMP you live in, your own DESK is also quite cluttered. On your desk are many MINIFIGURES of VARIOUS POKEMON, including your favorite, UMBREON. You have a DRAGON INCENSE HOLDER that turns the incense smoke into a waterfall down the dragon's many clawed hands into a pool below. In fact, you are quite fond of INCENSE, as it overpowers the stench of the rest of your house. EMPTY TAKEOUT CONTAINERS, WIRES, and VARIOUS COMPUTER ACCESSORIES cover the rest of the desk.

What will you do?

> Survey your Sanctuary​

You take a moment to admire the rest of your SANCTUARY. You have a simple MATTRESS, laid plainly on the floor, with DRAGON PRINT BEDSHEETS covering it. You have the PLUSHY PILE comprised of various plush creatures you've collected over the years, some animals, some Pokemon, many of them various forms of DRAGONS. There is a various assortment of FURRY and VIDEO GAME RELATED POSTERS plastered to the walls. Is it renter friendly? Not really, but who cares? Certainly not you. Along one wall is your COLLECTION OF REPLICA SWORDS, which, to be fair, is only a collection of two at the moment. One of the swords is a barbarian-themed sword you'd thought had a sick skull decal, but your true prized possession of the collection is a REPLICA MASTER SWORD from hit video game franchise 'the Legend of Zelda'... which, ironically, is also where you were inspired to pick up your name from.

In your closet is your FURSUIT, sadly only a partial suit for now, of your FURSONA, KYLE. KYLE is a MANED WOLF-DRAGON HYBRID, which means he's just a furry dragon with a mane, basically. Some combination of wolf and dragon that you thought was pretty neat and original. You take the best care you can of KYLE, as even a partial suit is a very expensive investment, and one you have not taken lightly. If worst were to ever pass, and you were forced to sell him, you'd hope you'd at least get a good portion back for how clean and odor-free he is.

You turn back to your computer screens at last, tabbing between PESTERCHUM and your web browser of choice, idly watching a YouTube video while you wait for your FRIENDS to come online. Your COMPUTER is your second pride and joy, just behind KYLE, and just before your REPLICA MASTER SWORD. You've poured almost every bit of disposable income into bettering your COMPUTER, from increasing the RAM to installing a new GRAPHICS CARD, you've even swapped out the CPU for a better one recently. You have your many VPN'S to hide your identity online, and all your HACKING SOFTWARE that you keep on your HACK DRIVE. The other drive, your GAME DRIVE, has a curious little case on it right now.

You tab over to Sburb, which you already preinstalled and have loaded up on your computer, ready to go when your FRIENDS get online. Curious that, after three years, this game you used to dunk on for having such terrible reviews suddenly got an update. And without any patch notes? Something here was fishy, and you quite liked fish. Especially when fishy on the internet could be weaponized against the institution... no, now you're just selling it too hard. Truth be told, you're just curious what's changed, and from what you've read, this isn't exactly a game you can play alone.

Hence how you're back to waiting for your FRIENDS.

> Introduce Someone Else​

 

[AnemoVictorious]

> Introduce Someone Else​

Your name is YUKI SUZUKI, and right now you are sitting at your COMPUTER in your room. Your pets SNOWBALL and COCOA and laying on their beds nearby. You aren't doing much of anything right now, just thinking.

Your room is fairly neat, but has many BOOKSHELVES and FIGURINES, mostly unmodified. Right by your computer is a NENDOROID DOLL you've customized to be your marriage candidate of choice from one of your favorite games. CUSTOMIZING THINGS is one of your many hobbies, after all, and putting two things you like together makes you happy.

So... what will you do?

> Examine Nendoroid Doll​

From the game STORY OF SEASONS, it's FRITZ! He's CLUMSY and a bit CHILDISH, but he has a good heart and you're glad you chose to marry him on your first playthrough. If anything happened to FRITZ, you would be devastated. You spent a lot of time and put your whole heart into CUSTOMIZING HIM - you even learned a little sculpting and 3D printing to get his hair just right!

> Remember About Sburb​

Sburb? That old game? It wasn't anything you were interested in at first, especially with how glitchy it was. SIS bought it for you when it came out, but you never bothered playing it. You installed it to make her think you played but… you didn't. You certainly feel guilty about it, though.

It had gotten a mystery patch though, and it seemed some of your FRIENDS wanted to play with you, since it's not a solo game. You log onto Pesterchum to see if they're online - if they want to play with you, they'll certainly reach out. For now, you decide to wait. Patience was a virtue after all.

> Introduce Another Someone Else​

 

[americanCaeser]

> Introduce Another Someone Else
​

Your name is RICHARD NIXON "DICK" RICHARD and you have just woken up. You start your morning, like you always do, by saluting the STARS AND STRIPES pinned up against the concrete wall of your room and holding back the urge to weep TEARS OF PRIDE at the fact you were born in the greatest country in the entire world. You do this until you finish humming the STAR SPANGLED BANNER (all FOUR stanzas), before finally ordering arms and relaxing. God, you love AMERICA.

> Look Around Your Room​

Why would you do that? You know your room perfectly inside and out, and you're 100% confident you could navigate it in the dark... but if you insist to yourself!

> Examine the Cot​

This is you MILITARY COT upon which you sleep! You have the option of comfier mattresses but if its good for the US ARMY it's good enough for you! One pillow, one pillowcase, and one cotton blanket is all that keeps you warm at night, which is fine because a real BADASS makes do with the bare minimum!

> Examine the PC​

In this corner is your STATE OF THE ART GOVERNMENT PC used by NASA to track their satellites. You asked the Sir about acquiring a good computer to talk with your BATTLE BUDDIES on the internet. You had been surprised the Sir had given the request the OK, but you were happy none the less. Of course you had to take a FIFTY-SIX HOUR ONLINE SAFETY COURSE to ensure you didn't leak any valuable data in your online escapades.

> Look at the Hanging Pictures​

After that you admire a few select photographs of US PRESIDENTS that you admire, such as ULYSSES S. GRANT, TEDDY ROOSEVELT, and GEORGE WASHINGTON. All of these were fine role models, true PATRIOTS that served their country. Perhaps one day you could hope to walk in their footsteps and SHAKE THE HISTORY BOOKS in some grand selfless act to serve the greater good! That is after all your number one purpose, being trained by the Sir and all to SAVE THE WORLD.

> Look at the Pile of Guns
​

How DARE you assume you, Dick Richard, would be casual enough to leave guns just lying around on the floor! Oh, wait, that's what you did. You must've left them out when you were cleaning them last night. Oh well, might as well start putting them into your SYLLADECK alongside your other piles of guns and piles of ammunition.

> Reflect on your Purpose[/font]
​

Purpose? Well, it's one of lifes great mysteries, isn't it? Why ARE you here? You mean, are you the product of some cosmic coincidence or is there really a God watching everything with a plan for you? You don't know... but it keeps you up at night.

> (==>)
​

Oh wait, you meant what was your purpose right here and now! Right, you're waiting for some of your online friends to get online and try out that new SBURB game you all got a few years ago. Oh, the Sir was mad at you after you downloaded that buggy thing onto your computer set up. It worked for all of three seconds before it fried the PC and the Sir kept going on about Virus' and malignant spy ware.

You forget who suggested it, but ever since the update came out you've been hankering to hop on and try out the new game and see what the hype was all about. You don't really care about the game, but your friends are all super cool and if they want to play this then you're all for it! You'll see if anyone is up to talk... right after you finish organizing your guns by caliber, that is.

> Introduce One Final Someone Else​

 

[canineCatharsis]

> Introduce One Final Someone Else​

Your name is LARK MORROW and you are SEETHING. Now, you are no stranger to EARLY MORNINGS– in fact, one could say you absolutely ADORE them!– but waking to the smell of BURNING TOAST is… deeply unpleasant, thanks.

You didn’t even plan to wake up this early today. This was supposed to be a rare DAY OF REST, one full of lounging around and doing nothing for the first time in a while. But of course, today just had to be the same day your DAD decides to try his hand at breakfast, and of course he leaves midway through to go do something. Whatever that “something” is escapes you, because you left the kitchen before he could even try to make up an excuse. Had the man been anyone but your DAD, you’re sure that you would’ve yelled, you were so flustered. I mean, what was he even thinking? You don’t leave something in the toaster for TEN MINUTES unless you want it to burn.

But that was then and this is now. Now, get to actually start your day! What should you do first?

> Examine Your Room​

… Are you sure? You could busy yourself with much more important things, like GARDENING. Your PEONIES are looking worse for wear, LARK, you can’t keep ignoring your flowers–

> EXAMINE YOUR ROOM.​

OKAY, OKAY. You examine your bedroom, taking in the familiar space with a sigh. It’s a cozy place. Remnants of your childhood linger in every corner, OLD FAMILY PHOTOS remain hung up on the wall above your neatly made bed, the pictures showcasing a much smaller you and your parents. You used to have a lot more furniture in here. On the left was a SHELF full of varying books, on the right had been the VANITY you inherited from your mom, and a lot more. Now though, all that junk was moved out and lived in your mom’s house. Supposedly set up in your new room. Not like you’d know, considering that you had yet to go visit.

Ignoring the occasional TAXIDERMIED BUG framed on your walls, your gaze falls to your desk.

> Approach Your Desk​

It’s a thrifted piece of furniture, your mind helpfully reminds you. You have no idea just when it was crafted but it still holds up, its drawers full of various little items, with the most notable ones being your WATERCOLOURS and HORTICULTURE JOURNALS and all that jazz. Hell, you’re pretty certain you have some old games lying around in there too, though trying to dig them out would be a pain. Speaking of games, your little internet friends– DAD’s words, not yours– had been all but buzzing about SBURB. You can’t remember who had reminded you all of it, not now. All you really remember is that it’d been updated.

You really shouldn’t log on and try playing it now. What about your PEONIES waiting out on the front lawn, neatly planted outside the house, sat in the most perfect piece of sunlight? They’re waiting for you. But at the same time, this little game surely can’t eat up too much of your time! It’s MULTIPLAYER. That means it’ll be quicker, right?

> Get Online​

The PEONIES can wait. Even if the game drags on longer than anticipated, it’s fine, you and the flowers will manage! You always do.

Taking a seat at your DESK, you turn on your LAPTOP, eyes lingering on the various decorations stuck to its hardware whilst it wakes up. A STICKY NOTE is taped to its screen, the little jot notes you’ve made about your ONLINE SCHOOLING reminding you of homework that’s already been completed. Some OLD STICKERS still cling to its keyboard, some scratched off, others just beginning to peel at the ends. It isn’t anything you haven’t seen before.

You should bother someone a bit. See what they’re up to. You know, as friends do.

> Pester Someone​

 

[Noivian]

> Pester Someone​

You'll do just that, thank you.

Tabbing over to Pesterchum, you mull over who to pester at the moment. Definitely not AC, you can hardly stand that guy. His patriotism knows no bounds, and you're not in the mood to deal with it today. EP probably wasn't online, you know they liked to spend a lot of time with their plants, so it was likely they were doing just that. That leaves one possible person left over...

sourcecodeSwordsman [SS] started pestering sereneFrostfall [SF]​

SS: hey
SS: are you up
SS: whatre you doing
SF: hi!
SF: i am up, yes!
SF: i was actually waiting for you!
SF: or well, you or one of the others...
SS: good.
SS: i was getting impatient waiting on everyone else
SS: are they even online?
SS: doesn't matter. you're here now, so we can start
SS: those idiots can catch up later
SS: side note- i can't find the patch notes.
SS: which is concerning, considering i'm the most tech savy of the group
SS: ugh i really don't wanna message AC
SS: hes gonna shove his propaganda down my throat
SS: (don't you dare read into that)
SS: can you do me a favor and message him for me? make sure he's not doing his billion daily pushups or whatever bs he does?
SF: i couldn't find anything either...
SF: but sure! i don't mind!
SF: i will get back to you once AC responds!

A loud cacophony of crashes behind you make you wince. Sounds like someone finally got home after a long night of drinking, if the wailing is anything to go by. You just hope they hadn't stumbled into something that'd hurt them. You turn in your chair, debating if you really want to deal with Cuz at the moment. You suppose you kind of have to, being that they're probably incoherent at the moment. A noise notification from your computer draws your attention back to it for a moment.

SF: heya! AC is all ready to go!
SF: i asked him to check on EP too!
SF: what do we do from here?
SS: gimme a sec
SS: i think cuz just came home

Slipping out of your chair, you first make your way to where your REPLICA MASTER SWORD hangs on the wall. Cuz has never been a violent drunk, never hit you, but you've heard enough horror stories about how irrational drunk people can be, so you never approach without required protection. Slipping your weapon of choice into your SWORDKIND STRIFE DECK, you open your door and carefully peek out. There on the floor of the living room is Cuz, sprawled out on the floor and crying, covered in old, dirty takeout containers and used plastic cups. Seems they'd tried to catch themselves, but tossed everything on the end table near the couch onto the floor instead. Speaking of end table, that too was overturned nearby. Maybe they tripped?

Approaching the drunk adult cautiously, you look down at them with pity and pain, internal conflicts raging within you. If only the damn institution had treated you two right. If only society weren't so hostile. If only Cuz didn't gamble all the time... You shake your head, chasing the dark thoughts from your mind. Instead, you bend over and help Cuz to their feet, scattering trash on the floor, which you vow to actually definitely pick up later this time for real. And by helping Cuz to their feet, you actually mean pulling them up by the arm and dragging them towards their room.

Cuz's room isn't nearly as messy as yours, or the rest of the house, really. It's amazing they manage to take such good care of it... rather, they don't really eat in their room like you do in yours. You pull the covers back and heft Cuz onto the bed, ignoring how their tears dampen your favorite dragon jacket. At this point it's become routine - you help remove their shoes, arrange the pillows to keep them propped up on their side while they sleep, tuck them in, and sit with them while they doze off, just to make sure they'll actually sleep and not reach for another bottle. It's an annoying, tedious, and time consuming endeavor, but one you'd gladly do over waking up to find they choked in their sleep. Sadly this time you forgot to bring your phone with you, so you'll have to wait until they're asleep before you can message your friends again.

==>​

 

[americanCaeser]

==>

(An animation of Dick jumping around and punching the air while next to his computer is interrupted when he has a thought relating to a potted plant.)

Oh shitaki mushrooms! You just remembered that its prime time to water those roses you got from EP! You let them know that you'll be right back while they have a freakout over your homes defenses. Seriously, what was with those guys always freaking out about things that weren't that big of a deal? SS flipped a lid when you told him about the time you broke your leg during his three week survival course, and SF kept bugging you about who the Sir really was. Did they not know the meaning of 'Need to Know'?

Actually that'd explain a lot. Your friends, not to degrade them, weren't too knowledgeable in matters of saving the world like you were. You'd have to get them up to speed if you enlisted them in helping fight evil and beating the bad guys, but your sure they all have hidden talents that you would help them discover like in those awesome animated shows you watch that just so happen to be created in Japan.

> Enter the Hallway

That sounds like a good idea! Those flowers ain't gonna water themselves.

You make your way into the hallway and take stock. One blast door that leads into your room, check. Four, check that, five surfaces of reinforced concrete, still there. One long hallway lit by fluorescent light, roger that. Nothing more to say here except this is your hallway. YOUR Hallway. Nice ring to it. You like your hallway. Most people have their own rooms, but an entire hallway to themselves? Eat your heart out, real estate developers.

> Exit the Hallway

Why would you do that? That'd just bring you right back into- OH! You meant exit the hallway at the other end, of course.

You make your way into the LIVING ROOM. You use LIVING ROOM in all caps because it is not an actual living room. A living room has pictures frames and boardgames and coffee tables from what you know from consumed media. Couches and comfy chairs as well, that were absent from this area. In fact, this large room which connected to several other hallways was bereft of almost any items or furniture... which was suspicious.

There was always some sort of stack of boxes or project the Sir was working on in this area he'd get help from Dick to make, but if this place were empty that'd mean-

> AMBUSH!

A shadow descends from the ceiling and Dick leaps out of the way, rolling like in those Dark Sails games or whatever one of your friends complained to you about ages ago. Probably SS. Anyways, you activate your Strife Deck by rolling an imaginary die. After rolling a 27 on a Strength Check, you withdraw a pair of submachine guns and land on one knee as your assailant rises from the smoke from the crater it made.



Oh shit! This was one of those Top-Secret Military Drones the Sir fought in his last report! He must have captured and rewired one for a surprise training session!

In fact, a flash of shadow in the corner of Dicks eye was all the confirmation he knew the Sir was watching him, assessing him, making sure he was almost field ready.

Grinning, Dick stood up and let out a belt of unhinged laughter as he leveled his sub machine guns and began firing. The bullets bounced off the drones body and it lunged at him, but Dick was no coward, he leapt into the air to meet it head on in an epic battle that would certainly take weeks to animate!

> Hey, I wonder what someone else is doing right now...​

 

[AnemoVictorious]

> Hey, I wonder what someone else is doing right now…​

Not quite right then, in fact a little bit in the past, 'someone else' had been given a mission by SS...

You don't really WANT to message AC, but you already agreed. You take a moment - or five - to prepare yourself for AC's very, very loud personality and patriotism. You look to Fritz and the other figurines for encouragement, and take a deep breath. No matter how good at encouraging and giving advice to others you are, it's always been a hassle to do similar things for yourself.

Once you've sufficiently prepared, you start pestering AC.

sereneFrostfall [SF] started pestering americanCaeser [AC]​

SF: hi!
SF: SS asked me to check on you!
SF: are you in the middle of some sort of workout routine?
AC: SF!
AC: BATTLE BUDDY!
AC: Glad to finally hear back from one of you guys
AC: Nah, I was just organizing my Sylladeck
AC: I was making room for some MORE GUNS!
AC: God damn I love the Second Amendment
AC: Since when does SS worry about me? He knows Im practically unkillable!
AC: Wait you were asking about the game
AC: Yeah I'm just about down to play, the Sir gave me the day off! Whats the SITREP at your end, OVER

You have to look that up, and spend a few more moments preparing yourself to respond. But you might as well send AC on a mission, make someone else deal with him for now.

SF: ahaha...
SF: well, he just wanted to know if you were free right now.
SF: things are fine over here!
SF: i'll go report back to SS, can you see if EP is ready?
AC: Dont worry, Ill make sure the Canuck is ready for the game
AC: Hey, speaking of workouts, you all get that ALL-AMERICAN WORKOUT PLAN I emailed you all?
AC: Less than half of what I do on a daily basis but give it a few weeks and youll all be ALL-AMERICAN HEROES in no time!

Tactfully, you decide to just… leave that alone. You feel a little bad, but that's a little too much for you right now. You haven't looked at it, not at all. You're not really a workout person. Or an athletic person. You prefer tranquility.

Naturally, after this, you message SS again.

SF: heya! AC is all ready to go!
SF: i asked him to check on EP too!
SF: what do we do from here?
SS: gimme a sec
SS: i think cuz just came home

You frown, but there isn't much you can do other than wait. You don't want to be the first to open the game because you're honestly a little nervous, especially in regards to the fact that the patch notes weren't published. You hope everything's okay and that you all can get to playing soon.

> Go Make Some Breakfast​

...Ah. They might be busy a while longer. EP has their plants to take care of, and you don't know how long the situation with Cuz will take SS. Sis will be home from the nightshift sooner or later too... But you don't want to take too long to cook something...

Regardless, you grab your phone, in case anyone needs you, and head down to the kitchen. You grab some eggs and start making Sis's favorite breakfast - tamagoyaki! It should be done in at most half an hour. You start making Sis's portion first, since you'll probably take yours up to your room and eat while you play. It will be cold before she returns anyways. You hum as you go, though you wonder how things are going for everyone else...

==>​