Fantasy Heroes of Generica (an rpg video game spoof) IC

[Saint_John446]

Todd shoved himself to his feet and poked the Goblin nearest to him. Perfectly paused, thank whatever Gods were out there that Derrick offhandedly had such a useful hack.

"I'm not even going to bother with that," Todd commented, walking back over toward the others. He stepped between Gwen and the Goblins, sheathing his sword. "I'll act as best I can as a shield," he told her, "and take your place in the front row. Sound agreeable?" He looked between the others and thought for a moment.

"Yeah I got nothing in terms of actual strategy though."

BackSet snowy raven SP3CT3R KAmber Birdsie

 

[BackSet]

The robot was right. They needed a strategy. When Gwen chimed in with covering blind spots Artemis agreed. "But where are our blindspots?" He asked. "I think the penguin lord over there has done the most damage so we only need to worry about us."

snowy raven SP3CT3R Saint_John446 KAmber

 

[KAmber]

"I can flank them with a little battalion of penguin warriors. Also, how long does that PB last for anyways?"

 

[BackSet]

"Uh..." Artemis said. "Isn't it a bad thing to senselessly throw your penguins at the enemy without a second thought as to wether or not they due?" Artemis asked.

 

[KAmber]

"Oh theyre mostly just mindless wandering penguin souls i guide and bring into the world and use as cannon fodder. Also the reason i can scarcely say a sentence without saying penguins is because of my penguin rage ability it lasts 4 hours twice the penguins twice the numbeer of times i say penguins and my penguinness modifier is boosted by .6 times.

 

[KAmber]

"Oh theyre mostly just mindless wandering penguin souls i guide and bring into the world and use as cannon fodder. Also the reason i can scarcely say a sentence without saying penguins is because of my penguin rage ability it lasts 4 hours twice the penguins twice the numbeer of times i say penguins and my penguinness modifier is boosted by .6 times.

 

[KAmber]

"Oh theyre mostly just mindless wandering penguin souls i guide and bring into the world and use as cannon fodder. Also the reason i can scarcely say a sentence without saying penguins is because of my penguin rage ability it lasts 4 hours twice the penguins twice the numbeer of times i say penguins and my penguinness modifier is boosted by .6 times."

Then he spontaneously shouts out "PENGUINS" for no apparent reason.

 

[KAmber]

"Oh theyre mostly just mindless wandering penguin souls i guide and bring into the world and use as cannon fodder. Also the reason i can scarcely say a sentence without saying penguins is because of my penguin rage ability it lasts 4 hours twice the penguins twice the numbeer of times i say penguins and my penguinness modifier is boosted by .6 times."

Then he spontaneously shouts out "PENGUINS" for no apparent reason.

 

[KAmber]

"Oh theyre mostly just mindless wandering penguin souls i guide and bring into the world and use as cannon fodder. Also the reason i can scarcely say a sentence without saying penguins is because of my penguin rage ability it lasts 4 hours twice the penguins twice the numbeer of times i say penguins and my penguinness modifier is boosted by .6 times."

Then he spontaneously shouts out "PENGUINS" for no apparent reason.

 

[BackSet]

"Gonna act as if you didn't just say that 6 times." Artemis said. "I'm sure it's all KAmber's fault anyway." Artemis Spontaniously pulled a Nintendo power magazine from thin air. "According to this the ogre is an idiotic monster and is weak to logic bombs. So why don't we try that."

 

[SP3CT3R]

"RPN does that when your connection isn't working properly. It's kind of embarrassing, but wow. I've never seen it happen five times like that." Derrick chuckled, and then snapped his fingers a second later. "Alright, unpausing in 3...
2...
1...
It's go time."
The ogre and goblins re-animated, slightly startled at the sudden changes of their opponents' positions. "Hey, Shrek 2!" Derrick shouted, to get the beast's attention. It turned towards him, and he cupped his hands around an approximation of where his mouth would be if he were organic. "This world exists simultaneously in a forum thread and an MMORPG! Explain that!"
The ogre put its hands to its head as it tried to process what it was hearing, losing 1/6 of its health in the process. Suddenly, its eyes lit up red and it charged Derrick without telegrahing its attack, launching him across the room.

BackSet Birdsie Saint_John446 KAmber snowy raven

 

[BackSet]

Impressive. Artemis thought. Time for some of his own logic. "Yo ugly!" He yelled at the ogre. "Here's your new mission! Refuse this mission!" Artemis thought for a second before adding "Oh! And does a set of all sets contain itself!?" For good measure. At that the ogre lost another 2/6 of its health and charged Artemis. "A little help here!" He yelled.

 

[KAmber]

"Ogre! If a penguin travels ten miles per hour but doubles that speed every time it doubles its speed, when its speed is doubled how fast does it go?" The ogre charges in a similar fashion after losing 1/6 of its health.

 

[Saint_John446]

Todd thought to himself as he watched the ogre change course toward Derrick, grinning for once with satisfaction.
"Oi!" He shouted, banging his sword against his shield. "You want something to think about? How does a Mystic Knight have a skill that requires more mysticism than the Knight himself, when the Knight is meant to be a bloody Mystic and the literal epiphany of mysticism? Wow I confused myself because the writer just kinda had a spastic fit." Todd watched as the ogre collapsed at Allard's feet, dead or unconscious he didn't know or care. He looked down at it, blocking a swing from a nearby Goblin, throwing it back toward the rest of its party.

"Okay I get that there's literally no logical thought to my character but that should not have worked."

BackSet snowy raven KAmber SP3CT3R Birdsie

 

[SP3CT3R]

Derrick pulled himself out of the dent in the wall that perfectly matched his body shape, and then sighed at Todd. "You were only supposed to take 1/6 of his health so that each of us gets to say something. But this works." He walked over to the ogre's body, and it disappeared into a pile of gold and a loincloth. The gold was split evenly among the inventories of the group as soon as Derrick touched it. As for the loincloth, he held it as far away from himself as possible to examine its stats. "It's got lots of bonuses, but the only problem is that it doesn't match my current aesthetic. Or any aesthetic. Going once, going twice?"

BackSet Birdsie Saint_John446 KAmber snowy raven

 

[BackSet]

Yeah that loincloth was not happening. "Can we focus on beating the goblins that are still alive first?" Artemis yelled. "We can deal with loot later." As he was saying this he was blocking a strike from a goblin and managed to cut another ones head off.

 

[KAmber]

"I've got some nice pants to go in the cosmetic slot. I can put the loincloth in my actual armor slot and nobody'll notice."
Allard bashes in the head of a goblin with his Penguin Quarterstaff, dealing 2d4+1 damage, or 5. Wow that was a very sucky roll. It was in the middle of the damage range but three was the lowest making him, therefore get a sucky roll.
He dashes away as his movement action.

 

[BackSet]

"Wait!" Artemis yelled. "Did we just switch mediums?! I could have sworn we were just in a dungeon crawling rpg video game in the vein of final fantasy or legend of Zelda but Allard just rolled a die for damage as if we were playing a tabletop rpg!" As he said this Artemis blocked another goblin and chopped another's head off.

 

[KAmber]

"Oh sorry i have the wrong calculation system It's 1.5 right? I think i was runnning 1.3. Give me a second."
Allard stands in one place and updates his game.
In this time a goblin smacked him on the knee, doing 4 damage.
"There i'm back" he said, then throwing the nearest penguin at said goblin, whose head he bashed earlier and the push succeeded, even with just one penguin. "It's just so... boring. 5.6 damage rather than 2d4+1 is so weird. I'd rather have 1.3 but whatever"
He ducked as he completely missed the timing of another goblin swinging at him and got up just in time to be hit. Great.

 

[SP3CT3R]

Derrick lost 1/6 of his health trying to understand what Artemis was getting at, despite having said something similar a few minutes ago. While he was having an existential crisis, an opportunate goblin bashed its club into his groin. Derrick's health bar was reduced to 1/3, and he exclaimed as he writhed in agony, "Headshots get no bonuses, but groin shots take half my health! And I don't even have a groin!"
Derrick stood up, and realized his leg armor was fully depleted by the blow. Sighing, he equipped the loincloth, just for the sake of not dying from another dirty hit.

BackSet Birdsie Saint_John446 KAmber snowy raven