Journal Have unrelenting anxiety around wearing headphones

[corbo]

Basically thread title.

Last year I stayed with my parents as my mum entered the final stages of pancreatic cancer. I was desperate to put together a music composition portfolio to begin applying at different studios/productions to get a foot in the door, as well as show my mum where my true passions were.

I spent an unhealthy amount of time working, and listening. Not to my own music, but to reference tracks. I started developing very strange associations with the music I was listening to - the timbre of the music and the sound samples used began to take on a visual/visceral quality that is incredibly hard to put into words.

Beyond that, late last year I stumbled upon some truly gruesome pieces of music by total accident. I was wearing headphones at the time, and they triggered a massive panic attack that landed me in a mental hospital.

I have developed a disquieting fear of wearing headphones, composing, and listening to certain music. I'm not sure how to reduce my anxiety levels as far as making music goes - I'm not sure whether to just give up and consider it an unfortunate casualty with the rather traumatic events of the past year. A lot of what I've already made is unfinished, as well as being connected to painful parts of my life.

It sucks feeling like I've lost one of the few creative outlets that allowed me to express my emotions...

 

[Chordling]

You should reach out to a professional therapist if it is something you are hoping to resolve.

 

[Daisie]

I agree with Muse here.
And... Let's put music/headphones aside for a moment. Cancer is a traumatic thing. I went through it, myself. It's traumatic to the person going through it, but I've also seen that it can also have horrible effects on the surrounding people, too.

You have all this trauma in the back of your head. It being triggered by music is a symptom - an unfortunate and scary symptom, but a symptom. Even if you avoid music for the rest of your life, your brain still has all that trauma floating around, and since the brain isn't fond of holding onto that, it's probably going to start cropping up in new and exciting ways.

You have your own illness you're dealing with now, and professional help is the only way to treat it. Sure, things here and there may help ease the symptoms, but fighting it alone isn't the way to go. Please do seek help, for your own good, and maybe those around you, too.